the parts of my site
Here Are Some Blonde jokes
Funny Blonde Jokes
Dumb Blonde Jokes
*Did you hear about the blonde who tried to kill the fish by drowning it?
*Two blondes were going bear hunting. After driving for awhile they see a sign along the road that
says "BEARS LEFT", so they went home.
*A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said
"DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and turned
around and drove home. On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said
"CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43
restrooms.
*A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at
the dead birdie". The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"
*A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: Do you know where you were going? Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all
the people were leaving.
*Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house is on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves.
*A blonde goes for a job interview. The first question she gets is "What's your name?". She starts to
wiggle her head and after 5 seconds she answers: "Anita". The boss asks her : why did you wiggle
your head like that? Blonde answers: Everytime anyone is asks my name, I sing inside: "happy
birthday to you, etc.", and then I remember again.
*There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette
looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced,
"I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out
ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. The second one, the
redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland
than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than
the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired
to go on, so she drowned. So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd
better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from
the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.
*Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the
deer tracks." The other blonde looks and says "Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No.
Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguing, and one half hour later they were both
killed by a train.
*Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat
hanger.
Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!
*How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
"What's a lightbulb?"
One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"
*Why do blondes have more fun?
Answer: Because they don't know any better.
*Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street
when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
Answer: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a
smart blonde.
*Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
Answer: To see what was on the other side.
*What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
Answer: Pull the pin and throw it back.
*What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
Answer: Bigfoot has been spotted.
*How do you drown a dumb blonde?
Answer: Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.
*What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
Answer: Proofreading.
*Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
Answer: For throwing out the W's.
*What's the Blonde's cheer?
Answer: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea
yea..."
*Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
Answer: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
*What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
Answer: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"
*Why do blondes drive VW's
Answer: Because they can't spell PORSCHE!!
*How do you make a blond laugh on Monday mornings ?
Answer: Tell them a joke on Friday night!
*How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
Answer: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
*If a blonde and a brunette were standing on the roof of a tall building and they both jumped off at
the same time, which one would hit the ground first?
Answer: The brunette would hit the ground first because the blonde would have to stop and ask for
directions.
*Why did the blonde quit stoping at red lights?
Answer: Once you've seen one you've seen them all.
*What's blonde and intelligent?
Answer: A Golden Retreiver.
*How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
Answer: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
*How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
Answer: There's white-out on the screen.
*Why don't blondes eat Jello?
Answer: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.
*Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
Answer: Toes go in first.
Student
Excuses
These are actual excuse notes from parents (including spelling):
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it
was Sunday.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore
throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around,
her father even got hot last night.
Natural Highs, Natural Lows
Life's filled with ups 'n downs...
Natural High: falling in love
Natural low: falling off a cliff
Natural High: having your 2:00 class cancelled on a beautiful day
Natural Low: having your 2:00 class cancelled because it's the Apocalypse.
High: watching a child do something for the first time.
Low: watching a child flick you off for the first time.
High: A great idea.
Low: a great idea that someone stole from you.
H: a hot shower on a cold morning.
L: a hot shower if you're a lobster.
H: a hug.
L: a sharp stick in the eye.
H: tailgating on a warm Sun. afternoon.
L: getting pulled over for tailgating.
H: clean sheets.
L: puking in your clean sheets.
H: Hershey Kisses
L: Hershey squirts
H: walking your dog.
L: walking your dead dog.
H: finishing your laundery.
L: finishing having your laundery for dinner.
H: falling asleep in the sun on a cool spring day.
L: falling asleep in the sun in Downtown Detroit.
H: taking a drive down a pretty road.
L: being dragged behind a car down a pretty road.
H: hugging a big teddy bear.
L: hugging a big, sweaty sumo wrestler.
H: playing miniature golf.
L: playing miniature pool.
H: catching your favorite TV show.
L: realizing you've wasted your time watching your favorite TV show.
H: sleeping for more than 8 hours.
L: sleeping for more than 10 years and growing a long beard and really long nails and having everyone call you "Rip".
H: laughing so hard your face hurts.
L: laughing so hard your face contorts and is never the same again.
H: orange juice when you're really thirsty.
L: orange juice when you just brushed your teeth.
H: listening to classical music.
L: listening to "Polka, Polka, Polka".
H: walking out of your last final.
L: being carried out of your last final, catatonic.
H: finding out a sweater you like is half price.
L: finding out a sweater you like is ugly.
H: Birthday cakes.
L: Cow pies.
H: a walk in the rain.
L: a walk in the acid rain.
H: holding someone you love in front of a fireplace.
L: throwing someone you love into a fireplace.
H: catching snowflakes on your tongue.
L: catching a frozen metal pole on your tongue.
H: seeing a shooting star.
L: seeing a shooting.
H: Baked Alaska.
L: Baked Nebraska.
H: raw sienna, burnt umber and periwinkle.
L: raw flesh, burnt toast, and Perry Como.
Student History Bloopers
THE WORLD ACCORDING TO STUDENT BLOOPERS
Richard Lederer
St. Paul's School
PREFACE
One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an
essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers
throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college. Read carefully and you will learn a lot.
THE ANCIENT WORLD
The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the
Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians
built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cure. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple
tree. One of the children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma.
Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his bother's birthmark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his tweleve sons to be patriarchs, but the
did not take to it. One of Jacobs sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Mosses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened
bread, which is the bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten
commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived
in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns: Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They
also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he
became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad, by Homer. Homer also wrote "The Oddity." in which Penelope was the last
hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homes but by another main of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of
wedlock.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was the oral
wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because the people to the law into their own hands. There were no wars in
Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought
Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
Eventually, the Romans conquered the Geeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides
of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrant who would torture his subjects
by playing the fiddle to them.
MEDIEVAL HISTORY
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames. King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery. King Harold
mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings. Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw. The victims of the
Black Death grew boobs on their necks. The Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same
offense.
In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time as Chaucer, who wrote many poems and
verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his
son's head.
EARLY MODERN HISTORY
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the
church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the
painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and
discoveries. Gutenberg invited the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another
important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.
Queen Elizabeth was the Virgin Queen. As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all
shouted "hurrah." The her nave went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. Shakespeare never made much money and is famous only
because of what he wrote. He lived in Windsor with his merry vies, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of
Shakespeare's plays, Hamlet rations out his situations by relieving himself in a long soliloquy, In another, Lady Macbeth tries to
convince MacBeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the
same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote." The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote
"Paradise Lost." Then his wife died and we wrote "Paradise Regained."
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America cursing the
Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called the
Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their
war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their backs. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with
their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them.. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for he settlers. Many people died and many
babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all of this.
MODERN HISTORY
One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels
through the post without stamps. During the War, Read Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs
were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won and no longer had to pay for taxies.
Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin
were two signer of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf
of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot
stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the
United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest President. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which
he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "in onion there is strength."
Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He
also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-negroes citizenship. On the night of
April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theatre and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in the movie. The believed assinator was
John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the Enlightenment was a reasonalbe time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called
"Candy." Gravity was invented by Isaac Newton. It is chiefly notable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, as so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He
was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. His music was very loud.
France was in a very serious state. The French Revolutions was accomplished before it happened. During the Napoleonic Wars,
the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Napoleon became ill will bladder problems and was unrestrained.
He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.
The sun never set on the British Empire, because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria
was the longest queen. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of
rivers to spring up. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was
a naturalist who wrote "The Organ of the Species."
The first World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human
history.
Key Verses for chapter 1
A little bit about me
full christianity report
introduction
The Key Verse for chapter 2
jokes
christianity report
My guestbook
the first 16 chapters of Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austin
10 Word Stories:The Collection
links that I like
A Lot Of Games
Slieinad: the secret planet
sprenkfrentalia
CEO madness
Luke 17
My opinions on sex
Mike (this is not you pladdey... I hope)
a crazy quiz
A Christmas story
All of my pictures!
Email: crazysidewalk@email.com