Dear Bailey
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Sarah MacLaughlin - Blackbird
Hi,

My name is Nick Andre and your mommy and I have been together since Jan 2005 although we've known eachother since Oct 2004. There are so many things that I want to write to you but basically I just wanted to write you a short letter to say that your mommy really loves you and thinks about you all the time. She wants you to grow up to be happy and she loves you and is proud of you. You mean the world to her.

I only saw you a few times and the few times I did see you, all you did was smile at the stranger in your house. Your mother and I love eachother very much and there are a million things we want to say to you about relationships and life and all that mushy stuff, lol.

I guess what I want to say to you is that you can be whoever you want to be in life. Don't let anyone tell you how you should live your life; you have to figure that out on your own. You are a smart little girl and you obviously get that from your mother.

Don't ever be afraid to express your feelings or say whats on your mind. People who bottle things up and don't share how they feel grow up to be sad people and thats not what you want to be.

School is a good thing, and don't ever be afraid to ask for help if you're stuck on something. The most important thing you can do in school is to learn everything and make friends with the right people. Stay away from people (guys especially) who don't have anything going for themselves. All I can say about that is to try your best, even if you end up with bad grades, at least you tried. I used to be a straight A student that eventually got failing grades because I gave up and didn't try.

Your mother and I don't really have very much in common but what we do have is unconditional love and understanding and compassion. I love music and hope you grow up to appreciate music, maybe you'll be in a rock band and play some wild shows (can I come?) Maybe you'll get into art and photography and grow up to travel the world and see the wonders of the world. Maybe you'll get into philosophy and the meaning of life and go on to university to study psychology. Whatever you decide to do in life, your mother and I will be proud of you. But Bailey please try your best and don't give up. Please don't drop out of school because you won't have very many options other than asking people if they want fries with that, lol. Your mother and I never finished school but we wish we would have. If anything, we miss prom. :)

Your going to grow up and meet all kinds of people in your life, but theres one thing you have to learn and that is, you have to learn intuition. What that means hunny is you have to learn how to tell whoes good and whoes bad. And stay away from the bad. Your mother and I have experienced some very, very bad people and we've made mistakes that will haunt us for the rest of our lives. When you learn intuition, you will be able to tell within minutes if someone is being honest with you or if they're a liar. And if your gut feeling tells you that something isn't right, listen to your gut feeling because its usually right.

It is my only hope that you'll grow up to be happy and successful and not harbor a lot of resentment towards your mother because she made certain decisions in life. Its okay to be angry with your mother and its okay to tell her how you feel. Please don't ever hide how you feel about your mom because she thinks the world of you and only wants you to be a happy little girl who has the whole world ahead of her. Its your world and we're just living in it. :)

When you get older, you're going to be told in life that the only way to fit in is to party and do things that aren't healthy, like drinking and drugs. Please listen to your heart and understand that you have to be you, and not what other people tell you you should be. Don't pay attention to people or books or tv or magazines that tell you that the only way to be popular is to be thin, good looking and the life of a party. You have to figure out who you are and when you live your life based on what makes you happy, you've got it made and nothing stands in your way. If you do decide to "experiment", your mom and I understand and have been there before. Please talk to us if anything ever bothers you or you have questions about anything like that. We won't be angry with you if you try certain things, so long as you're honest and don't try to hide anything. You have nothing to hide with us and we love you unconditionally. We just want you to be a happy little girl who will grow up to be a successful woman who has the world by the tail and lets nothing stand in her way.

Anyways you're probably a busy little girl who doesn't have time to read my rantings, but just remember that I think you're special and you don't have to call me dad or anything. You don't even have to like me if you don't want to. I completely understand. You will go through certain phases and emotions and its okay to feel how you feel. And yes eventually you'll think that parents aren't cool and you just want to stay in your room and be by yourself. We completely understand and we've both been there. You just have to be honest with how you feel and please talk with your mother about anything that bothers you or you have questions about.

I don't know what I'll be doing when you're old enough to read this, but if things go my way, your mom and I will be building a life together and have a big house and a pool in the backyard and a big barbeque and two cars in the driveway and of course, most importantly, your own bedroom. If for some reason your mom and I are not together, you are more than welcome to track me down and talk, and talk about anything. Your mom and I are working very hard to have a life together and do things right. We are trying to build a life that one day you can be a part of, permanently, but thats something for your mom to talk to you about when you're old enough to understand. I can never be your father but I can be a dad, and if thats not cool with you, I can at least be someone in the house you can talk to.

Olivia just remember that you are in my thoughts always and your mother loves you so much its impossible to explain in a blog or website.

*Nick*

Bailey Baby
Mood:  hug me
Topic: Mommy Loves You
My Darling Daughter,

Mommy wanted to write you another entry today to finish what mommy started talking about yesterday.

Yesterday mommy was talkng about the reason why mommy doesn't live with you anymore and where she is. Well it seems to me that I did explainas to why I am not living with you but I have not told you where I am. Mommy is still living in town very close to you. I live at Cranberry Resort. It is really pretty here. Mommy lives in a condo, with someone that is very special to her.

Now before I go into who I live with and why they mean so very much to me I should explain some other things to you so that you may understand a little more. Mommy has spent her whole life searching for someone to love her for who she is and someone who would care about her for everything she is and has to give. Mind you I don't have much to give exceot all the love in my heart and soul. I do my best and sometimes things don't always work out the way I plan but I know in my heart I have done my best and there is nothing more I can do.

Now to the best part.....the person mommy lives with is a person who is the one person who really loves me for who I am and is always here for me. His name is Dominic Jacob Andre. Everyone calls him Nick though for short. He is the most amazing person I have ever met in my life. He has this natural smart about him, he is a computer tech. Which means he spends his time working on computers....lol. But he also writes computer codes for call centres and such too. He is really into music and movies and computer things too.

He is handsom and he loves to live his life to the best that he can with no great big expectations. He works hard. He makes me very happy. He always knows how to make me smile no matter how bad I feel. When I am sick he is always here for me. When I am missing you he is always there to hold me close and never turns his back on me.

Now not to say that me and him do not have our moments where we disagree on things but there is one thing me and him will always have and that is the strength to try harder to make things work. No matter what happens me and him have one thing in common and that is the love we have for each other. We have had people try to come between us and have had people look at us like we should not be together but we are always there for each other and we always talk to each other about how we feel and it helps us get through anything that comes our way.

You know something though, your Nanny hates Nick. She has hated him since day one and nothing will ever change that. But you know he means more to me thanthat, and I don't care what your Nanny likes and what she doesn't like. I have spent my whole life trying to please her and not being with people that she didn't like that now is my time to be with who makes me happy and who loves me. And I know in my heart that Nick loves me more than anything in this world. As he shows it every day. I think that you would really like him. But then againyou have met him before when he was at Nanny's house fixing her computer. All you did was smile at him...He thinks you are just the cutest thing ever.

Me and Nick talk a lot about you all the time. Nick asked me the other day if I wanted you backand I told him that yes I did very much so want you back. I miss you so much. I asked him if he would be able to handle it as he is not your father and all and he said that yes he could. And said that if you called him "Daddy" that he would love that but we would tell you when you were older that he was not your father and who your father was.

Ok I think that is enough for now I will write some more a little later. I love you my darling. And I miss you like crazy.

Love Mommy,
Laura

My Darling Daughter
Mood:  special
Topic: Memories
My Darling Bailey,

I know that it has been a long time since you have seen me, but I have been very busy.

I know you are too little to know that Mommy is not with you everyday and does not live with you, but maybe when you are old enough to read this site you will understand. I know that it is a lot for you to understand right now but I feel I need to explain some things to you now before I don't know what to say.

Life is a compicated thing and sometimes things happen that don't seem fair at the time but in the end you know that you did all you can. That is how I feel. I have done things in my life that I am now not very proud of. And I have made some bad choices and have made a lot of mistakes. And I think that it is time for me to be honest with you about it all, as you will not read this nor understand it until you are older.

I'll start with the little things about me in general and personal things ok. First you should know my full name "Laura Selina Deon Lidstone" I was named after people in my family. Every name in my name stands for someone in my family. Second you should know that I am 21 years old. I had you when I was 20 years old. I was born May 20, 1984. You were born October 2, 2004.

When I was 14 years old I started my "BAD" years so they call it. My grandfather, your great grandfather, passed away that year and when he passed away I felt like my world had fallen apart. He was the father that I never had and he was the light in my life, much like you are right now. I started to make friends with the "wrong" people and started to do drugs and drink. My mother, your grand mother, moved us to Windsor, NS, and I started my new life, (or so I thought). My life there was not the best either. I started to make friends yet again with the wrong people and then decided to run away from homw to a guy that I thought loved me. When that didn't work I fell in love with another guy that swore he loved me. Turned out that he was not what he seemed to be.

When I finaly left him we moved here to Ontario. I started and really tried to get along with Nanny. But for what ever reason Nanny could not get passed Mommies past life and I decided to leave and move to the city of Toronto. That was fun for a while and then I met this guy. He is your father. He was the guy that I thought I could have spent my life with, but things were not so. Mommy got pregnent and things just went to hell. He decided he would rather do nothing for us and then I left him. Mommy moved back with Nanny and you were born in October in Collingwood Ontario.

The minute you were in my arms my life seemed to be worth something. I felt like I could do anything in this world as long as you were here. You gave me the strength to try to be a better person. You did all of that the moment you were born and you looked at me the first time. You brightened even the darkest parts of my soul.

There are things in my life that I really regret, but I want you to know that you are not one of them. I treasure you as you are a gift from someone that I thought didn't exist. I never believed in GOD, but from the moment you were born I knew that there had to be someone, something out there that gave us all the gifts we recieve and you are one of the most important gifts of all.

Now as you know mommy does not live with you anymore and I know that you may be angry with me for that. And you have every right to be. I do not blame you for feeling that way. I will not blame Nanny for all of this either. I know that I could have made things easier for her maybe, but the problem that I do have is that she could never let my past go. I mean I know that I did some things I shouldn't have done, but that is in the past and those things can not be changed. That is my only problem with Nanny. I love your Nanny, but I wish she could let go of some of the past.

I wanted to do this page for you as I want you to know that I have loved you from the moment you were born and have always loved you and will always love you, no matter what you do nor if you should hate me.

I want you to know that no matter what happens in my life or your life, I will always be here for you no matter what. If you ever need to talk or want to know what happened I will always be here for you to talk to or ask anything. I can't promise I will always have the answer but I can promise I will always be here and willing to help you.

There has been one thing I have learned from all of this though, and that is that life hands you some pretty shity hands but then there are the times when life hands you a gift and you have a choice to love that gift and cherrish it or you can make that choice to hate it and not love it. I made the choice to love my gift and give it everything I have in life and I feel that I have. I have given you life and all the love I have to give. You are my angel. You brighten up my days no matter how bad I feel.

Bailey I love you.

Love Mommy,
Laura