My Darling Daughter
Mood:  special
Topic: Memories
My Darling Bailey,

I know that it has been a long time since you have seen me, but I have been very busy.

I know you are too little to know that Mommy is not with you everyday and does not live with you, but maybe when you are old enough to read this site you will understand. I know that it is a lot for you to understand right now but I feel I need to explain some things to you now before I don't know what to say.

Life is a compicated thing and sometimes things happen that don't seem fair at the time but in the end you know that you did all you can. That is how I feel. I have done things in my life that I am now not very proud of. And I have made some bad choices and have made a lot of mistakes. And I think that it is time for me to be honest with you about it all, as you will not read this nor understand it until you are older.

I'll start with the little things about me in general and personal things ok. First you should know my full name "Laura Selina Deon Lidstone" I was named after people in my family. Every name in my name stands for someone in my family. Second you should know that I am 21 years old. I had you when I was 20 years old. I was born May 20, 1984. You were born October 2, 2004.

When I was 14 years old I started my "BAD" years so they call it. My grandfather, your great grandfather, passed away that year and when he passed away I felt like my world had fallen apart. He was the father that I never had and he was the light in my life, much like you are right now. I started to make friends with the "wrong" people and started to do drugs and drink. My mother, your grand mother, moved us to Windsor, NS, and I started my new life, (or so I thought). My life there was not the best either. I started to make friends yet again with the wrong people and then decided to run away from homw to a guy that I thought loved me. When that didn't work I fell in love with another guy that swore he loved me. Turned out that he was not what he seemed to be.

When I finaly left him we moved here to Ontario. I started and really tried to get along with Nanny. But for what ever reason Nanny could not get passed Mommies past life and I decided to leave and move to the city of Toronto. That was fun for a while and then I met this guy. He is your father. He was the guy that I thought I could have spent my life with, but things were not so. Mommy got pregnent and things just went to hell. He decided he would rather do nothing for us and then I left him. Mommy moved back with Nanny and you were born in October in Collingwood Ontario.

The minute you were in my arms my life seemed to be worth something. I felt like I could do anything in this world as long as you were here. You gave me the strength to try to be a better person. You did all of that the moment you were born and you looked at me the first time. You brightened even the darkest parts of my soul.

There are things in my life that I really regret, but I want you to know that you are not one of them. I treasure you as you are a gift from someone that I thought didn't exist. I never believed in GOD, but from the moment you were born I knew that there had to be someone, something out there that gave us all the gifts we recieve and you are one of the most important gifts of all.

Now as you know mommy does not live with you anymore and I know that you may be angry with me for that. And you have every right to be. I do not blame you for feeling that way. I will not blame Nanny for all of this either. I know that I could have made things easier for her maybe, but the problem that I do have is that she could never let my past go. I mean I know that I did some things I shouldn't have done, but that is in the past and those things can not be changed. That is my only problem with Nanny. I love your Nanny, but I wish she could let go of some of the past.

I wanted to do this page for you as I want you to know that I have loved you from the moment you were born and have always loved you and will always love you, no matter what you do nor if you should hate me.

I want you to know that no matter what happens in my life or your life, I will always be here for you no matter what. If you ever need to talk or want to know what happened I will always be here for you to talk to or ask anything. I can't promise I will always have the answer but I can promise I will always be here and willing to help you.

There has been one thing I have learned from all of this though, and that is that life hands you some pretty shity hands but then there are the times when life hands you a gift and you have a choice to love that gift and cherrish it or you can make that choice to hate it and not love it. I made the choice to love my gift and give it everything I have in life and I feel that I have. I have given you life and all the love I have to give. You are my angel. You brighten up my days no matter how bad I feel.

Bailey I love you.

Love Mommy,
Laura