Strength for Life
Something to hold on to
Something to keep me grounded
Don't let me lose my head
Life pulses through me
To the beat I live by
Strong and steady
Fast-paced and smooth
And as much as I want tommorrow
"I can't"
"I can't"
Oh yes I can
This is me
This is what I do
I hold on
I am grounded
I am strong

The Source of My Pain
I'm so tired of this
You've disappointed me
Again
And it HURTS
I'm upset
But I'm not mad
B/c I can't be mad at you
I'm sad and these tears
These hot rivers slipping down my cheeks
These sobbing breaths
This endless wail 'Why?'
This is b/c of you
You've caused me this pain
You've hurt me
So deeply
Not all cuts heal
I still love you
That will never change
But right now -
You are despised

Robots and Bill
Right now I am in the middle of a meeting for the webpage design team for Robotics. BORING! Mr. V is going on and on about many things that I don't understand and since all I do is the calendar, it really doesn't matter anyway. But I think I should know it. So I'm going to try to pay attention

. . .

. . .

. . .

Not working. Kae. So I am crazy busy with Scholastic Bowl and our Christmas concert and I, like everyone else, need money to pay for Christmas gifts! I had better get at least $20 in cash for Christmas b/c I have some serious debts to pay off.

BTW, an update on Bill: He is acting like he doesn't know I'm alive. He's acting like he doesn't care at all. I have tried twice to see him and he keeps forgetting. And I also didn't call him, b/c I was tired of calling and never getting to talk to him, so I hoped he would call me instead and we could have a conversation, just about anything I want to talk to him so bad, but for two weeks I didn't talk to him at all. He's made me cry and I'm sad and upset but the reason I know this is still worth something is b/c I can't be mad at him. I'm not mad at all even though I should be and I have every right to be but I can't get mad. I don't know why. I love him, as a friend, and I want to talk to him and have him here for me, but he isn't and it just makes me sad. I want to tell him that I need him to be with me as a friend and a friend only, I don't want anything else right now, but he is one of the only people with enough brains to get me and to appreciate everything that I am. I need friends like that. And he's not here. The next time I cry about this I am going to call him and tell him it's his fault. And he's not getting his Christmas present until I'm happy w/ him again. What do you think? What should I do?

Know This
There are reasons
For everything I do
Sometimes it's not the right one
But I'm trying all the same
So when I say "I love you"
I mean it
And when I push you away
It's only because you've got to go
And when I hold you close
It's because I can't imagine life without you
And when I can't speak
It's because I can't go on
But then you wrap your arms around me
And tell me I'm okay
That is when I know
I can face another day
I need you in my life
I need here beside me
I need you for all those times
I just can't do it alone
And I need you to know
That I will always be there
And if you need me to just call
Because I will make it okay
I only want your friendship,
Your shining light in the darkness
I only want to make you happy
To be the one you turn to
I only want you to know
Just what you mean to me-
And never to forget:
You are loved, you are cherised
You are needed and you are worth it
You are smart, you are strong
You are wanted and you are believed in
You are an angel,
Made for more than this life could give you
But if nothing else,
I love you.
And I mean it, that will never change.

You Don't See Me
I can't breathe
I can't see
I can't speak
I can't move
I'm locked into this body and I can't get past this
I want to keep going
I want out
There's a scream bottled up inside me
That can't get out
I want to run
I want to fly
I want you to know
That I am
I want you to see this -
This amazement that is me
And I want you to admit it
ANd I want you to open up
And I want you to be there for me
But you always seem beyond me
And so far out of reach
I'm losing hope
And I can't do this forever
So please see me
As I am inside

Leave Me
I've gone too far
I've screwed up
I hate myslef for letting go like that
I hate that I couldn't hold it in
Just a little longer
Instead I blew up and said things not true
Or were they?
I don't know
All I know is that I need this to go away
I need sunshine
Happy and easy
Where has my life gone?

Chapter One
24. The atom is made up of a) protons, neutrons, and electrons.
Soleil scrawled her name across the top of her paper and slipped it into her folder. Glancing at the clock, she gathered her books and set off for the daycare. Leaves drifted down from the autumn trees of orange red and golden brown. A soft breeze flowed through the town, perfecting the October day. 4:00, and the sun was settling down in the west. She had to get Kira and Brent home before dark. Soleil hated to leave them at the daycare longer than necessary, but she had to get her homework done before going home. Kira had protested at the beginning of the year -,?There?s nobody but a bunch of babies there!? - but since discovering her best friend from Mrs. Holt?s second grade class also went to the daycare after school, she hated to leave. But Soleil wouldn?t let her stay longer. She didn?t like those people, always acting as if they knew everything about kids. She wondered how many of them had sat up all night so the monsters wouldn?t get Brent, or if they had ever prepared three plates of spaghetti so Kira could have just the right amount of sauce on her noodles. As far as she could tell, all they did was tell the kids when to eat, when to nap, and when to use the bathroom. Yesterday, there wasn?t even anyone in the playroom when she got there.
Squinting against the sun, she opened the white door of the front entrance.
?Solly!?
Just returning from the bathroom, Brent broke free of the single ? file line and ran to his big sister. His four-year-old tongue couldn?t quite say her name, but Soleil understood him all the same.
?Hey kid! Were you a good boy today??
Brent smiled just a little, a mischievous glow coming into his bright blue eyes.
?I switched juice boxes with Katie and she never even noticed!? he announced proudly.
The teacher came over and said, ?Now Brent ??
Soleil cut her off, ?I?ll take care of it.? Turning to Brent, she said, ?You have to ask next time, okay? It?s not nice to take people?s things. Go apologize to Katie.?
Looking somewhat flat, Brent went over and tugged Katie?s sweater.
?I?m sorry?, he said sorrowfully, ?Your juice was yummy though?, he added, looking up hopefully. Katie giggled and gave him a hug just as Kira appeared from the playground.
?Do we have to go already??
?What, not even a ?hi?? Yes, we have to go. Say good bye to Elizabeth and get your bookbag.? Soleil bent over the blue notebook and signed them out. She looked up at the laminated rainbows and teddy bears and sighed. Despite the white washed walls and fresh blue trim, the place always seemed so dreary. Maybe it was the worn down old ladies, always ready to snap at a kid who did one little thing wrong. Her own memories of daycare were not fond ones. She had hated daycare and lived for going home with Mommy. Soleil was sure Kira and Brent hated it too, but there were no alternatives. Mom worked all day, and wouldn?t be home until 5:30.
Hopefully this time there would be groceries in that brown paper bag she always brought home. Soleil wasn?t sure what they would eat tonight. Taking Brent?s hand, she guided him down the steps and they set off for home, a simple white house near the vet?s, right at the edge of town. They had lived there since Brent was born and Michael had left. Soleil knew why he left, but she never said so. Sally Keenan wasn?t the domestic type, not one to settle down and marry. Before he left, Michael had turned to Soleil and sail, ?I?m counting on you, you know. Make sure Kira and Brent are taken care.?
Mom had always held a job, always been able to put food on the table, but after Thomas Windsor had walked out on her and their six-month-old baby girl, Sally had become a free spirit, afraid of being hurt again. She had reverted to her maiden name, Keenan, and never looked back. Soleil was sure she would marry Michael when Kira arrived, and then again three years later when Brent came. ?But Mom turned him down both times?, she though bitterly. The second time he announced that he wasn?t going to wait around forever and packed his bags. Without Michael?s income, they had had to leave their two-story farmhouse. He went back to the city to finish his degree. A check had come every month for years, but in the last couple of months Soleil hadn?t seen one. ?We sure could use the money?, she thought as they made their way up to the door, once a cheery red, but now chipped and peeling. The shutters were in the same condition, and stained linen curtains hung in the dirty windows. Soleil fished her key out of the bottom of her bag and opened the door. She flipped the light, and the almost dark house was illuminated. Outside, the sun had begun to fade behind the trees and the air had grown colder.
?Kira, put on a sweater. Brent, leave your sweatshirt on, honey.?
It?d be better to wait a few more weeks before turning on the heater. The less the bills were, the happier Mom was. Glancing at the digital clock on the microwave, she saw that Sally wouldn?t be home for another 45 minutes, if she was on time.
?Kira, do you have homework??
The next hour slipped by as Soleil tried to explain subtraction and Brent played with his Legos. It wasn?t until Kira said, ?I?m hungry. When?s dinner?? that Soleil realized it was almost 6:00. They were usually done eating by 6:30 so that they could watch ?The Magic Show? together before Brent went to bed. Kira helped with the dishes and then was tucked in herself. By 8:00, the house was quiet and Mom would watch TV or pay bills while Soleil did any homework she had left and read until 9:30.
Sally went to work at 6:00 and Soleil usually dropped the kids off at daycare around 7:00. Then she went to the school and read in the library until class started. Occasionally she would help the librarian shelve books, but mostly she read the girly magazines that she couldn?t get at home. Soleil had really wanted a subscription to Seventeen for her 16th birthday, but Sally had said there wasn?t enough money and instead they all went to the movies and then out to Joe?s Cafe for a birthday dinner, complete with cake. She did get new shampoo and conditioner that made her hair so soft and shiny, and school clothes from the JCPenney. Soleil knew Mom must have really saved for the two skirts and pretty tops, even a pair of khakis. Her jacket, with it?s fleecy lining and bright blue color, had come in the mail from Michael, along with a card that said, ?Hope your birthday is a special as you. Happy sweet 16. Michael.? The card was propped up on her dresser, along with Brent?s messy hand-drawn one and Kira?s computerized artwork. Soleil wished they had a computer, Kira would really love it. But right now, Kira would really love . . . dinner. And she had no idea where Mom was. ?There has to be something to eat?, she thought as she glanced through the bare cupboard and empty refrigerator. Finally she cut up some apple and spread them with the last of the peanut butter. She dug out some Ritz crackers and grape juice. It wasn?t a real dinner, but it would have to do.
?Mom will bring home some more food?, she assured Kira and Brent as they munched on the snack food they would never repress their active appetites.
?Where is Momma?? asked Brent, carefully and systematically spreading peanut butter all over his cherub face.
?Stop that!? scolded Soleil, laughing as he smeared his forehead with the brown goo. ?She?ll be home soon.?
But she wasn?t. Soleil sighed as she looked at the clock. 9:42.
?Where is she??
Sally had always come home. In fact, it was only in the last couple of months that this would have seemed unusual rather than extremely worrisome. Sally had become unreliable, always late and forgetting things like groceries and bills. She seemed out of it, as is she didn?t even realize Soleil was there. And always, always she had the brown paper bag, though Soleil never saw what was in it. Certainly not food. It was lucky that Sally prepaid there lunches at school, or sometimes they might go hungry. Breakfast was served at the daycare, and Soleil usually had an apple on the way to school.
?If Mom doesn?t get some food, I?ll have to get some?, she thought. She really hated to use her church money, but it wasn?t the first time she had had to. They paid her $20.00 a week to run the nursery for all the Sunday services and the Wednesday night vigil. 8:30 to noon on Sundays and 8:00 to 10:00 Wednesday night, but it was worth it. The church ladies paid in cash, and sometimes tipped extra is she kept the kids quiet and didn?t interrupt the service with a crier. Soleil had opened a bank account at Green?s Westchester Bank over a year ago. They had a little branch in town where she could deposit and withdraw money, but she had to make a special trip to the big bank in Westchester, the next town over, to open her account. Right now, Soleil had $17.00 in cash. ?Enough to get chicken nuggets and mac and cheese for dinner?, she thought, ?I?ll stop before I pick the kids up tomorrow.? Sighing, she checked the clock again. 10:02. Where was Sally? ?Oh well. I?m going to bed.?

Stressed Out
Thank goodness we have tommorrow off. I am just about at the breaking point. This Sat. we cleaned out our camper that got flooded in Isabel. It was the first time we had been able to get in there, b/c a tree fell on the porch in front of it. Anyway, it was really hard to see this place that we had lived in practically all summer and all of our things just in such a mess. It was like, I know people whose houses have been flooded like this. Really sobering. On top of that, it's the end of the grading period and I've been cramming for tests but I'm not too optimistic about my grades. I have this huge story due Fri. for English that I'm enjoying but it's taking a lot to write. It's a really emotionally involved story, and some of these things I've never had to face myself and I'm struggling to put my heroine through the paces realistically. The time limit isn't helping. It's like I'm overflowing w/ ideas and I would love to do a really good job but I haven't got that much time. Plus, I've been doing the whole phone tag thing w/ Bill, he hates to call my house but whenever I call him he's busy w/ something, so this is not working out too well. I'm exhausted, physically and emotionally, and tommorrow I have to go to the dentist. This sucks.

Good G i r l Gone Bad
Well, not exactly. But I did sneak out of the house Fri. night to hang w/ one of my friends. No, I didn't get caught, and yes, I'm still a virgin. Seriously, you have no idea how many times I get asked that! Anyway, it was great. Said friend (from here on out refered to as Bill) is great to talk to, fun to be around, ect. ect. I had a crush on him all summer, if only b/c I never saw him, but then I kind of got everything back together when school started. Basically, I decided to be just friends, no benefits, b/c we did that before and I had a crush on him all summer. Not cool. But now I thought everything would be fine. Except I think he might be starting to fall for me. Why is this not good? Let's see . . .
A) Bill's 18
B) Bill is enlisted in the Navy and leaving for boot camp in May. After that, who knows?
C) I currently sneak around just to see him, it strains our friendship as it is, but a relationship???
D) I would fall head over heels in love w/ him and what if we broke up? I would be crushed. Really - emotionally I am so weak it would kill me.
So basically, although Bill is the ideal guy, not exactly an ideal situation. Plus, he's currently going out w/ a 21 yr old who really really likes him and he doesn't want to hurt her so he doesn't know how to break up w/ her. But the worst part is I don't think he knows how he feels - it's like he's just as confused as I am. Bill treats me like a princess - he respects me and is happy w/ me as I am. I would love to go out w/ him but . . .

Both Lost
Why do you do this too me?
I was fine, I was happy,
I was comfortable.
But now I'm confused.
Comforts me
That you may be too.
It's like you don't know what to do
But I'm not sure if that's right
Maybe it's all an act
Maybe you're faking it
But I don't think so
I think you're unsure
Maybe a little scared
And I am startled to have one so openly
Caring for me
Just set me straight
And hold me close
B/c you I cannot lose
I only wanted - no, I needed a friend
But you seem like so much more
And it scares me that
I might be wrong
But also
That I might be right
And that you
Are just as lost
As I