Southern Jokes & Sayings

SOUTHERN COMMENTS


Exclamations:

"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"
Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."
"Ahm fixin ta do that"


Threats:

"I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style."
(Ummm....they already are! LOL!!)
"This'll jar your preserves."
"Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"


Good Things/Compliments:

"Cute as a sack full of puppies."
"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
"Gooder than grits."


The Weather:

"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
Wintery roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."


Descriptions:

A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."
When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."
If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."
"He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin."
A hectic schedule keeps you
"Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."


Insults:

"She's uglier than homemade soap."
"Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed,
it said 'To be continued'."
"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."
"The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"
Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart."
She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart



Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the
road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.
The passenger, Bubba, said "lookey thar up ahead, Earl,
it's a police roadblock!!
We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"
"Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over
and finish drinkin' these beers,
throw the bottles under the seat, and peel
off the label and stick it on our foreheads".
"What fer?", asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?", said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers,
threw the empty bottles under the seat,
and each put a label on their forehead.
When they reached the roadblock,
the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"
"No, sir", said Earl. "We're on the patch".



A man and a woman are driving along when
they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road.
They stop, the woman gets out,
picks it up, and brings it into the car.
She says, "Look, it's shivering...it must be cold.
What should I do?"
He says, "Put it between your legs."
She says, "What about the smell?"
He says, "Hold its nose."



A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says,
"Wanna hear a "redneck" joke?"

The guy next to him replies, "Before you tell that joke you
should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs. and a redneck.
The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", 225 lbs. and a redneck.
The fella next to him is 6'5", 250 lbs. And a redneck.
Do you still want to tell that joke?"

The first guy says, "Nah. I don't want to have to explain it three times."




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