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Before I begin telling my story.  I would like to take this time to thank you for visiting my page and reading my story.  I need to warn you.  This might be hard for some to read or even understand.  This is not to hurt anyone.  This is to help people like myself that have been through what I have indorsed in the past as a child. I was sexually abused.  I want to help those that might be going through the same things that I have gone through and still are going through.  We need to put an end to sexual abuse!  Making this page has been therapy for me.  I have not yet told my family about the abuse.  I have been able to tell only my husband and one friend. The reason it took so long to talk about it with my husband is the fears  what would he think of me?   Would he believe me? Would he look at me different?  Would he still love me?   Would he blame me for what had happened?  I also found myself not telling him for fear of hurting him.  I couldn’t bear the thought of hurting him with the details of my abuse.  He knew a little, and knew something bad had happened to me.   But not as much as what really took place.  Lucky he is a very understanding and  a caring man.  He loves me no matter what has happened in the past.  He has been a big help in my healing and I have been able to be very honest with him on my feelings and the past.

I have yet to get help from a therapist.  I have only recently been able to talk about this.  I am 38 years old now.  I thought I had put this all be hind me.  And I thought I was able to deal with it.  But I was WRONG!  It wasn’t till after I started having children of my own did I see the innocents of a child.  That is when it became all too real to me of what happen.  I started feeling guilty for what had happened and SO a shamed.  I began having nightmares around the age of 26 years old.   Dreaming that someone was in my room standing over me.   There were times I woke up not knowing where I was and the worse part and the saddest, was I didn't know whom the man lying next to me in my bed was.  It was my husband, (of course) sleeping, and he didn't have a clue as to why I would wake up from a sound sleep and start screaming, or at times start hitting on him to get him out of MY bed! Screaming at him, "Who are you?” Then I would begin to cry and shake.

The earliest I can remember, when all the sexual abuse started for me.  I was about 3  or 4 years old.  By an Uncle.  The hardest part about this; is  His age: He is only a few years older then me, when the touching started.  He always controlled what we did.  At first I would say it was kids being curious.  But as time went on it progressed.  He would make me do things to him that I know I didn’t like.  And was very uncomfortable with.  But because abuse is something you get use to happening to you, and is a way of life.  You attend to expect that it is going to happen when you see each other.  This went on for years.  This is very hard for me to write about.   But I feel it has to be said.

I can remember him making me pro form oral sex on him.  I can remember him masturbating in front of me.  And making me watch as he did this.   He would want me to masturbate in front of him.  Or have us do this together at the same time.  There were many times he would rub his self against me.  But never penetrated me.  That came later as he got older and his selfish needs grew!    I can remember the first time he ever inflicted pain to me was, the first time he tried to penetrate a finger inside of my vagina.  I was about 7 at the time.   I can remember screaming out and him laughing.  The pain was so strong I felt as though a knife had just stabbed me.

And then the day finally came.  When he took it farther.  I was about 13, when he tried to penetrate me with his penis.  I can remember the fear and the pain I felt.  I can remember feeling so sick to my stomach!  I felt so gross!   I never told, because I always felt I was to blame just as much as he was.  I thought I would get into trouble.

The sad part was he wasn’t the only one who abused me along the way. There were others.  That preyed on me.  Because I had been abused I was an easy target.  There was a friend's grandfather.  I was about 8 years old at this time.  I can remember going to her home and waiting out side on the porch with him.   He was in a lawn chair and had asked me to sit down next to him.  So I did.   He took my hand in his and started telling me how pretty I was.  And what a nice tan I had.  Before I knew it he had my hand on his penis on the outside of his pants.  I now know looking back he had an erection.  I can remember knowing this was bad.  So I quickly removed my hand and got up and left.  I did tell my stepsister what happened and she then told my mom.  I can remember talking to the cops and telling them what happened.  I can remember going to court, but I don’t remember ever having to testify.  I do not know what happened to him.  I really don’t think anything became of this.

There was another time.  I was about 8.  There was a man about 23 years or so.  He was helping my parents move from one home to the other.  He stayed with my two stepsisters and I in one house, and my mom and step dad stayed in the other.   That night we were all watching a movie.  It was very late.   Me being a little girl.  Lay on the couch with him under a blanket.  Not to long after did he start to fondle me; I didn’t think much of it.  After all this is what I was use too.  I can remember feeling his hands on my body.  This is the part that is so hard for me to tell!  (This is the part I start to feel so scared and almost start to panic.)  He tried to insert a finger inside of me.  I can remember the pain and I cried out.  The same pain I had felt from before.   Just like a knife stabbing in me.  He said he was sorry.  But at this point I was so scared and hurting from what he had done.  I just wanted to go to bed.   At that time one of my stepsisters had already gone to bed.  I went up in my room to go to sleep.   And this man came into the room where I was, and walked around to my side of the bed and started from my thighs up under my buttocks as if he were going to climb on top of me or take me in his arms.  I'm not sure what he was thinking.  The fear I had at that moment was so over whelming!  I can remember crying out and saying NO!

Remember I was only 8 years old and he was in his 20's.  What could he possibly see in an 8-year-old?  What could any of these men see in a child?!?!

I don’t know what really stopped him that night.  But he did leave the room and never laid another hand on me again.

I did go to my mom and step dad the next day, and I did tell them what happened.   But my mom got upset and started crying.  And nothing was ever done.  I was told to just stay away from him.

And sad to say they were not the only ones who abused me.

There was a neighbor of my grandmothers.  I always knew him growing up as being so kind.  But one day I was sitting on his front porch with him (like we always did in the past, and nothing ever happened.)  But this day he started touching me.   I was about 9 years old I guess.  He started out grabbing at my breast; I can remember it was playing to him.  Teasing me about how small they were.  (Of course they were small I was only 9 years old!)   Again, to an abused child this was the way it was.  You become so adapted to them coming on to you and touching you that you allow it to happen.  So I can remember going into his house and being taken up stares.  I can remember to this day the smell of alcohol and cigarette smoke coming from this mans body and breath.  I can remember him laying me down on his bed and fondling me.  Asking me if he could do things to me.  Asking me if I liked what he was doing.  I can remember him being an old discussing man!  To this day I get sick to my stomach every time I think of him.  I never told.  What's the use?  No one would ever do anything about it anyway.

Then when I was 14, I moved in with my dad.  I was new to the town and to the schools.  And VERY nyeve!  One day after getting off the school bus. Instead of going straight home, I went to a friend's house.  He and his brother were there.   I can remember his brother gave him money to go get beer.  His brother was 23years old.   Again I was only 14!

He took me buy surprise!  He grabbed me and took me down to the floor.    And he raped me.  And again, I was too scared to tell.  I was afraid of being blamed.  What was I doing there?  I must have asked for it.   I must have done something wrong!  Why else would this man do this to me?   Was it because I was wearing a dress that day?  Did I flirt in a way that made him think I wanted this?  I can remember telling him NO over and over again and again.  I can remember crying and feeling the pain!  But he didn’t seem to listen or care!  He took what he wanted.  And there was nothing I could do or say to stop him!  I can remember going home, climbing into my bed curling up in the fetal position and crying!  Asking WHY ME?!?!?

There were many men after this that would come on to me in some way or made me feel very uncomfortable.  But never again did a man ever put his hands on me or abuse me in anyway!

I have a very loving and caring husband!  I couldn’t imagine life without him.  He is the kindest and most gentlemen I know.  He has NEVER hurt me in any way!  Has never laid a hand on me in anger or ever called me bad names.   I'm just sorry it took me so long to come to him with all this.  Now that he knows.   I can move on and get the help I need.  And this is a start for me.  I have not yet told my mother or father about the abuse that has taken place.   I don’t feel as though I can.  I'm not even sure if I ever will be able to!   Right now I just need to concentrate on ME and getting the help I need for myself and move on with my life!

Thank you so much for reading my story.  This was very hard for me to write all this down.  I just hope it has helped someone that has been though what I have and so many others.  Help you see that you are NOT alone!  It was NOT your fault!   And It’s Ok to Tell Now!

 ~Written by Tammy~

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