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Yea... Poems... Yea, smooth flowing poems... yea... Alright. Lets enjoy the music, and get started... yea... smoooooth...
You can contact me to guess the Librarian too, though this one should be more obvious if you've seen her... hmm...
The Stupid, Moronic, and Very Ugly Teacher
Her hair was curly,
But she was not burly.
She loved her books,
For God had not endowed her with looks.
She had no brain,
For it went down the Drain.
She was indeed a moron,
Cause as a child she ate too much Boron.
She once ran into a beehive,
and if lucky she should have been skinned alive.
But too bad for the students,
She came back to say her do and donts.
Her students awaited her death,
Even her favorite student Beth.
Thank you. Thank you. By the way, if you would like to try and identify that teacher, contact me, and I'll tell you. >=)
The Big Nosed Librarian
Huge was the word for her nose,
It was as long as a hose.
She once was refused a ride,
Because her nose would stick out the side.
Her nose made her a tight assed bitch,
Because she had itches in her nose that no one could reach.
She got her self done up the nose,
Which her partner said was too gross,
But she was persistent,
And he was subservient.
She had a baby,
And boy, was it ugly!
She was not liked,
Not even by Dick van Dyke.
She became fat,
And that is a fact.
We all know why,
And it's not a lie,
That her baby's nose was what made her fat.
And that is a fact.
She had no friends,
And that will be true to the end,
For she is a moronic bitch,
With a chronic itch,
Deep up that big nose.
The Alphabet Cocaine Poem
A is for Abominable, cause that's what cocaine is. B is for Bad, cause that's what cocaine is. C is for Cocaine, cause that's what cocaine is. D is for Dopey, cause that's what cocaine is. E is for Encourage, cause that's what the drug dealers will do to sell you cocaine. F is for Fruit, cause that's what cocaine will turn you into. G is for Good, cause that's what cocaine isnt. H is for Hoochie Mama, cause that's the only kind of girls that will like you for your cocaine. I is for I, cause I am writing this poem. J is for Jack ass, cause that's what cocaine turns you into. K is for Kraptastic, cause that's how you'll feel after cocaine. L is for Lipstick, because some people that do cocaine wear lipstick. M is for Mama, cause Mama will feel sad after you die of cocaine overdose. N is for Negatory, because negatory is such a great non-existing word. O is for Opium, because Opium is a drug like cocaine. P is for Pornography, because Pornography is popular on the internet. Q is for Queer, because you may become a queer due to the cocaine's influence. R is for Rack, because a cocaine may be placed on a Rack. S is for Snake, because snakes are cool animals that do not do cocaine. T is for Trial, because you will go to trial after being caught for cocaine. U is for Uvula, because uvula sounds like a word that belongs to another body part. V is for Vexed, because MasterCow was Vexed by Viviana after using her name in a negative manner. W is for Wordy, because that's what this poem is. X is for Xylophone, because the xylophone is a beautiful musical insturment that does not get enough attention. Y is for Yo, because that's what your friends will say to call you when you may or may not be on cocaine. Z is for Zebra, because it is another cool animal that does not do cocaine.
An additional note on this poem, due to the severe influence of an anonymous person, I have created a version that contains a lot more vulgarity and such. I dont think it's that much funnier, if funnier at all, but to look at it, click HERE.
Oh you horrible beings of ultimate evil, You cause me so much woe. Oh you piece of fucking crap, You make me want to go. Oh, so you think you are literary masterpieces. I'll tell you what you're really pieces of! I consider you evil beings from a distant time, Times when all you lived for was love! Well money's what I'm after! And some honey wouldnt be bad either! Though my teacher holds you in high regards, I can only hold you in contempt. Why you ask, and plead for me to love you, But alas, I can only say it was a feeble attempt. So burn and burn some more, you foul beasts! And now I shall go to a feast!
The poems on top were written by Master Cow. The following poems however is an anonymous poem that has been forwarded through AOL. I personally have to say, I can only respect the "Pimp" poem.
Ahhh Women...
Everyday I give thanks to the Goddess
I have two mounds upon my bodice
I shave my legs, I sit down to pee
I can justify any shopping spree
Not to a barber, but a beauty salon
Can get a massage without a hard on
Can balance the checkbook, pump my own gas
Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass
I always save money by using coupons
Can admit to others when I am wrong
Don't drive in circles at any cost
So I don't have to admit when I am lost
Don't act like I'm in a timed marathon
Every time I go to the john
Let me tell you men
Listen to me boys
Those things in your pants
That you treat as toys
You love them more then we ever will
We would rather suck on a cold pickled dill
I spend two hours preparing for a date
Only to find you're two hours late
I don't watch movies with lots of gore
Don't need instant replay to remember the score
I won't lose my hair
I don't get jock itch
And just cause I'm assertive
Don't call me a bitch
I don't wear the same underwear everyday
The food in my fridge has no sign of decay
I don't go to Sears
To look at the tools
I don't cheat at poker
I follow the rules
I don't smoke cigars
Don't pay for drinks at bars
I don't punch my friends just to say "Hi"
And it's o.k. for me to cry
I know all you men
Think that you're "IT"
But compared to a woman
You just ain't SHIT!
This poem "The Pimp" was written in response (possibly by a male) to "The Bitch" poem.
Ahhh Men...
Everyday I give thanks to my God
that I've got a Dick and a tight ass bod.
I like to play sports, I love to get naked,
Is it our fault that you girls can't take it?
I own lots of tools and don't mind putting on weight,
when I get ready for a party, my ass is never late.
I can actually drive a car and even change a tire,
my ability to produce children will never expire.
When a male is born, it is clearly heaven-sent,
that's probably why a woman has never been president.
I can pee without squatting, I've slept in a tent,
women's fatal flaw is that they are subservient.
First and foremost, my looks don't govern my life,
When I gain a few pounds, I don't go under the knife.
I don't read the nutrition labels, I like to eat meat,
if any women objects, she can just take a seat.
I don't own a hairdryer,I brush my hair with my hands,
I am considered the better gender in the majority of lands.
I masturbate openly, I secretly desire a mirror on my ceiling,
I don't go cry when someone hurts my feelings.
Listen to me girls, I need to tell you something right quick,
it pertains to lovemaking and my almighty Dick
That thing in your pants that you guard like treasure,
Men don't respect you for it, we just see it as pleasure.
I like it squeezed, jacked, licked and sucked,
I am capable of having sex and saying "we fucked."
I like to have sex and finish with a roar,
I hope to remain a promiscuous bachelor.
Bitches think that they're "all that,"
But we don't care about every ounce of fat.
Just cuz your thighs cause mass amounts of friction,
Doesn't mean you belong outside of the kitchen!!
Any girl that objects, just respond please,
But on one condition, first get off your knees...
I have a little advice to my fellow men, and I'm afraid I can't lie,
NEVER trust anything that can bleed for four days and then not DIE!
Right at home is where women should stay,
Cuz men are the ones that make the pay.
At least our Dick doesn't sag when we get older,
I've seen better looking bitches by the name of Rover.
At least my body doesn't bleed that certain week,
Bitch you're just jealous, don't sweat the technique.
You constantly get played like childrens games,
Guys just fuck you and forget your names!!!!!!!
Bitches all be hanging from my large nutsack,
Now what the fuck are you going to say after this counter attack...
The following are now made by Master Cow, and are original works. (new)
What be that funky smell?
O, what be that funky smell?
I asked my self this.
It smelled like crap for all I could tell,
But at the same time, it seemed to bring some strange sense of bliss.
I looked around,
To see if I could follow the trail.
But it was not to be found
For my nose had no choice but to fail.
The smell had suddenly gone weak,
I wondered why this had occurred.
Yet the sensation in the room was bleak.
If I had asked a pal of mine, he would have concurred.
"Oh well." I thought to myself,
"At least the smell is gone.
I guess it was bound to leave by itself."
Then I saw that the garbage collection had now been done.
"How stupid of me!"
Those smelly men had been the answer!
Their departure had set me free!
How glad I was that it was not a gift from that dog they call Rover!