today's started too early. last night was hectic. we had company over and i wasnt feeling so great. but i was in a good mood. the kids even behaved so it was kinda weird heh. they were messing with my flowers tho pleh. i had to go out there this morning and fix them. i really just wanna go back to sleep maybe later i can get a nap in. i noticed last night when i was getting ready for bed that my right knee is swollen up huge! i couldnt believe i hadnt noticed it. but it isnt hurting or anything cept when i bend down i feel a lil pull in it. so i havent thought anything about it. just thought it was a lil sore and tired. but it was actually swollen. my mom said to wait and see if it goes down today tho. if not i should go get it xrayed. then she started talking about water on the knee and how they get rid of it. *cringes* it better go down today! i just dont get it tho. i cant recall hurting my knee at all. course i hurt things alot and not know how i did it. but considering i apparently did something for it to be swollen you'd think id remember. oh well. one of those wait and see things. ive gotten freeze mainly done now too. theres a few more things i wanna fix up on it tho when i have time. but its just lil things so it wont be a major change. i suppose its time to get started on the day too. *sigh* i wanna sleep!

pleh its hot today. i turned the a/c on and switch is sniffing around the vents. he likes to sit and with his face over the vent by my bed. he's a weird cat. the stupid dogs came in this morning and took his food bowl alllllll the way outside with them *grumbles* it was that lil white dog! hooch wouldnt do that. he just likes to come in and visit.

i just checked on my flowers again. they're growing slowly now *sigh* those columbine flowers are finally sprouting too. theres only 3 so far. i wish they'd hurry up ! im too anxious heh.

i got alot of sleep last night finally. but i think im gonna still try to have a short nap today. they're starting to work on my lil house again. they put the electrical box in it so now they can do the wiring and plumbing. maybe itll go faster once summer really gets here.

i'm still deciding on a new look for freeze. im ready to kick myself for not deciding on something already.course i did have to take a break and get my computer all cleaned up again too. most of it turned out to just be my mouse dying tho.

well i was gonna write yesterday but i kept getting interrupted sooo i gave up. so im gonna try again today. yesterday really sucked. the clouds ended up disappearing and going around us so we got nothin! heard some thunder in the distance but that quickly went away too. i think whats coming next is gonna go over us too. so i just give up on any good storms heh. i woke up early today so ive already gotten a shower and got the dishes done and the laundry going. i enjoyed being online the other night. i finally took some time so i could be. but now im realizing i just dont think i have a place here anymore. maybe if i had more time and could be online as much as everyone else. but now im just a visitor. my daisies are really growing tho heh. i can't believe how fast they are growing. theres lillies in the front yard too. they're not there one day and bloom out suddenly the next. my mom told me about them yesterday. looking out now tho the one i noticed first seems to be dying. maybe its just cuz of all the rain tho. that would suck if they only bloom for a few days. i still have soooo many ideas i wanna work on so i think i might try a few things out for a lil while. then ill finish cleaning and do my girly things. ive already hit my thumb on the kitchen cabinets putting dishes away.

welp i got my flowers and i just finished getting them planted. heh now its gonna rain later today soooo they should get plenty of water. i got daisies *dances* shasta daisies and a silver princess dwarf daisy...*just liked that name* theres not much difference i dont think. well not in the pictures on the seed packages anyway. but we'll find out. and i got some columbine flower. i think im just gonna turn the balcony into a whole flower garden. maybe i should wait and see if these start growing first lol. all the plants i try to have inside die =/ but i did ok with those last flowers sooooo *hopes they dont die*

spyware
weeeee my puter is all cleaned up and organized. no more spyware at all! it took three programs to clean it but even that nasty one that took away my view toolbars in ie is gone! im soooooo happy. i even defragged. course i havent made it to buy my flowers yet but maybe i can do that today or this weekend.

monday again... its gonna be gorgeous outside again too. aside from having an earache and headache it was a pretty nice weekend. i watched a really good girly movie which i loved. i think im gonna go buy it now so i can watch it whenever im not feeling good. ahhh i wanna sit and make avs and make a new layout and make some wallpapers and play all day! but i have laundry to do *wrinkles nose* and i wanna go get some more flowers to grow on the balcony again. that was such fun. i loved watching them. and they brighten the balcony up so much.

well its summer again. technically spring but eh. everything's changed so much since last year. i can't believe how fast time goes. yet it seems like its creeping by. i still feel like im waiting for something to happen. maybe im still waiting for apoc to come waltzing in. i think switch is. someone came over a few weeks ago. i never ever thought id see her again. ive had so much hate for her for years. i didnt even go downstairs while she was here. i was in such shock that she was even here. i didnt know how to react so i just stayed in my room with the lights out as if i was already in bed. she was my best friend for a long time then she betrayed me in the worst way. but at the same time it helped me to see things clearly. the strange thing was that when i first realized who it was when she got here. the first thing i felt was all the anger and hate. but then it just subsided and i didnt feel anything. literal indifference. i didnt feel anything towards her. not as the friend she used to be. not as the enemy i thought she was. just as someone i dont even know. and i guess i dont after all this time. everything that happened then. everything i went thru. its all finally in my past. i dont relive it at all anymore. maybe ive finally forgiven myself. or maybe im feeling the forgiveness i needed. ive been sorting it out since she was here. i just don't hate her anymore heh. it really feels strange. a good strange tho :)

heh well here i havent written in awhile again. thats no big surprise tho. im horrible about it. things have been going ok tho. ive just been realizing how quickly time goes. josh is gonna be twelve in a week. and i guess im realizing how old i feel. he's almost as tall as me and sometimes i look at him and see how big he is. but at the same time im still seeing him as five years old. i know how quickly the next few years are gonna go for him and thats really scary for me. remembering all the dumb things i did and the stupid choices i made. i keep praying that he's not gonna go thru all the things i went thru. that he's gonna be smarter. im so terrified of those things tho. of what he's gonna do. the choices he'll make. i know he'll have to have his learning period just as i did. i did so many dumb things and i went thru so much. i know in the end...now ... that im in a good place in my life. not where i want to be...where i want to be is better. and i know that fear is what holds me back too. but at the same time that fear is what keeps me from making the dumb choices again. josh doesnt have that fear yet. he's at that invincible stage. stubborn just like me. theres a dark cloud hovering outside but right past it i see a bright blue sky with puffy white clouds. it looks as if its a lil storm. its all windy and the skinny lil pine trees are almost bending over so far they could touch the ground. somehow tho i doubt its gonna rain even a lil bit. *sigh* sooooo many things i wanna do and i dont have all the time do them. i have a thousand alias pictures now. and theres things i wanna do with them heh. if i ever take the time. i still havent found the promo clip i want. i dont think i will either. it just doesnt seem to be out there. pleh i cant stall any longer time to go watch a movie.

well it finally snowed. course it didnt stick or anything. but it was falling. which was just awesome. i stood on the balcony just watching it. i was so happy! today its all sunny and cold. my head feels sooo heavy but i managed to get things cleaned. now i just have some laundry to do. i still havent had a chance to work on all my ideas but i dunno if im going to anymore. i may just let it go. some things you just cant get back and i suppose thats one of them. im so happy the weekend is almost over. im prolly the only person who likes the weekdays more than the weekends.

hmm when i woke up today i was determined i was gonna accomplish something online today. i wanted to change freeze but i dunno if i can just yet. i decided to surf around tho and maybe get a lil more inspired. i havent really found much for inspiration yet but i tend to get sidetracked when i do that heh. sooo im gonna just dive in and try. who knows if anything will actually come of it. apoc still hasnt come home. its weird everything seems so normal. it feels like he's just outside playing. except for last night when it was so cold. i was so upset cuz i didnt want him to be cold. switch went out for a few minutes but then he came right back in. his lil paws were freezing so he laid on my back til they warmed up. even now he's curled up in my bed sleeping. i wish so much apoc would come home. id feel so much better knowing he was snuggled in my bed sleeping safe and warm. im trying not to give up on him yet tho. i just wanna cry when i think about him. its been a really long time since i let myself cry. thats where being so busy with things helps. and here i am wasting more time again i should get started with psp if im gonna get anything accomplished.