welp i got my flowers and i just finished getting them planted. heh now its gonna rain later today soooo they should get plenty of water. i got daisies *dances* shasta daisies and a silver princess dwarf daisy...*just liked that name* theres not much difference i dont think. well not in the pictures on the seed packages anyway. but we'll find out. and i got some columbine flower. i think im just gonna turn the balcony into a whole flower garden. maybe i should wait and see if these start growing first lol. all the plants i try to have inside die =/ but i did ok with those last flowers sooooo *hopes they dont die*

spyware
weeeee my puter is all cleaned up and organized. no more spyware at all! it took three programs to clean it but even that nasty one that took away my view toolbars in ie is gone! im soooooo happy. i even defragged. course i havent made it to buy my flowers yet but maybe i can do that today or this weekend.

monday again... its gonna be gorgeous outside again too. aside from having an earache and headache it was a pretty nice weekend. i watched a really good girly movie which i loved. i think im gonna go buy it now so i can watch it whenever im not feeling good. ahhh i wanna sit and make avs and make a new layout and make some wallpapers and play all day! but i have laundry to do *wrinkles nose* and i wanna go get some more flowers to grow on the balcony again. that was such fun. i loved watching them. and they brighten the balcony up so much.

well its summer again. technically spring but eh. everything's changed so much since last year. i can't believe how fast time goes. yet it seems like its creeping by. i still feel like im waiting for something to happen. maybe im still waiting for apoc to come waltzing in. i think switch is. someone came over a few weeks ago. i never ever thought id see her again. ive had so much hate for her for years. i didnt even go downstairs while she was here. i was in such shock that she was even here. i didnt know how to react so i just stayed in my room with the lights out as if i was already in bed. she was my best friend for a long time then she betrayed me in the worst way. but at the same time it helped me to see things clearly. the strange thing was that when i first realized who it was when she got here. the first thing i felt was all the anger and hate. but then it just subsided and i didnt feel anything. literal indifference. i didnt feel anything towards her. not as the friend she used to be. not as the enemy i thought she was. just as someone i dont even know. and i guess i dont after all this time. everything that happened then. everything i went thru. its all finally in my past. i dont relive it at all anymore. maybe ive finally forgiven myself. or maybe im feeling the forgiveness i needed. ive been sorting it out since she was here. i just don't hate her anymore heh. it really feels strange. a good strange tho :)

heh well here i havent written in awhile again. thats no big surprise tho. im horrible about it. things have been going ok tho. ive just been realizing how quickly time goes. josh is gonna be twelve in a week. and i guess im realizing how old i feel. he's almost as tall as me and sometimes i look at him and see how big he is. but at the same time im still seeing him as five years old. i know how quickly the next few years are gonna go for him and thats really scary for me. remembering all the dumb things i did and the stupid choices i made. i keep praying that he's not gonna go thru all the things i went thru. that he's gonna be smarter. im so terrified of those things tho. of what he's gonna do. the choices he'll make. i know he'll have to have his learning period just as i did. i did so many dumb things and i went thru so much. i know in the end...now ... that im in a good place in my life. not where i want to be...where i want to be is better. and i know that fear is what holds me back too. but at the same time that fear is what keeps me from making the dumb choices again. josh doesnt have that fear yet. he's at that invincible stage. stubborn just like me. theres a dark cloud hovering outside but right past it i see a bright blue sky with puffy white clouds. it looks as if its a lil storm. its all windy and the skinny lil pine trees are almost bending over so far they could touch the ground. somehow tho i doubt its gonna rain even a lil bit. *sigh* sooooo many things i wanna do and i dont have all the time do them. i have a thousand alias pictures now. and theres things i wanna do with them heh. if i ever take the time. i still havent found the promo clip i want. i dont think i will either. it just doesnt seem to be out there. pleh i cant stall any longer time to go watch a movie.

well it finally snowed. course it didnt stick or anything. but it was falling. which was just awesome. i stood on the balcony just watching it. i was so happy! today its all sunny and cold. my head feels sooo heavy but i managed to get things cleaned. now i just have some laundry to do. i still havent had a chance to work on all my ideas but i dunno if im going to anymore. i may just let it go. some things you just cant get back and i suppose thats one of them. im so happy the weekend is almost over. im prolly the only person who likes the weekdays more than the weekends.

hmm when i woke up today i was determined i was gonna accomplish something online today. i wanted to change freeze but i dunno if i can just yet. i decided to surf around tho and maybe get a lil more inspired. i havent really found much for inspiration yet but i tend to get sidetracked when i do that heh. sooo im gonna just dive in and try. who knows if anything will actually come of it. apoc still hasnt come home. its weird everything seems so normal. it feels like he's just outside playing. except for last night when it was so cold. i was so upset cuz i didnt want him to be cold. switch went out for a few minutes but then he came right back in. his lil paws were freezing so he laid on my back til they warmed up. even now he's curled up in my bed sleeping. i wish so much apoc would come home. id feel so much better knowing he was snuggled in my bed sleeping safe and warm. im trying not to give up on him yet tho. i just wanna cry when i think about him. its been a really long time since i let myself cry. thats where being so busy with things helps. and here i am wasting more time again i should get started with psp if im gonna get anything accomplished.

well school has finally started back and i have a lil time to myself.ive been cleaning my room today. i normally concentrate on cleaning downstairs so much i neglect my room except for straightening it and making the bed. mmm@flannel sheets and pjs i slept so good last. not that it was cold. the heater seems to be working great this year. yesterday i kept thinking about my trip to idaho. i dunno why but it was on my mind alot. my first trip by plane. and only trip by plane heh. i was so terrified. i wanted to just run off the plane before it even took off. then i kept watching the couple sitting next to me. they were young and didnt look afraid at all so i thought why should i be worried their apparently not. course they prolly did it alot. so that helped absorb my thoughts til take off. and then meeting juni and storm was awesome. even tho we lost storm at the airport. i was so worried about her. i just knew we would never find her. but we did and it all turned out great. and juni tellin the man in the elevator we didnt have elevators in ms. he thought that was so cute and patted my shoulder as if to tell me it was ok. they took me up on the mountains too to where the snow was. rick stopped the truck and we all got out.. i stepped knee deep in snow. was the most snow id ever seen. *looks out the window* and that ill never see here. well i suppose i should get back to all this cleaning i was doing.

haha reading over my last post eesh i didnt even finish some of my thoughts and i repeat myself alot =/ josh has gone over to morgan's for a lil while so im sneaking in another few mintues to myself. i slept so much better last night since it cooled off. its really really cold outside today. i just stepped outside on the porch in my shorts ...bad idea! switch doesnt seem to mind tho i found him wandering around on the balcony this morning. apoc was sitting inside the door watching him. i think he was snickering too cuz he was inside warm. now apoc's napping and switch is back outside doing whatever it is he does out there. hmm definitely gonna have to work on complete thoughts with complete sentences.

wow i take a long time to write. i still dont have much time to tho. i really dont have it today but im making a lil time. its way too hot and im not feeling like doing much cuz i didnt sleep well. i can't believe im sitting here watching wasps fly around outside. its supposed to rain sometime today and then its gonna be cold again. im feeling a bit happier lately but i still want the cold. i got an email from storm the other day. it was wonderful to hear from her after almost a year. of course i could have called her too. i didnt have to wait this long and im not sure why i didnt just call her. we used to talk on the phone alot heh i would leave her lil messages on her answering machine when she wasnt home. that makes me think of val too. she would call me at least once every week.
*sigh* my cd burner has died too. it might just be throwing one of its fits and start working again in a few days but for now its just dead. oh well i dont really need to burn anything right now anyway. i just realized im sitting here watching a knife infomercial. not that im really watching it...its just on. i suppose i should get start getting ready. maybe i can sneak in a nice hot bubble bath too while im getting ready. i can listen to my michelle branch cd. i still need to get her newest cd too. hmm or maybe sugar ray's new cd. decisions are evil!