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Love Potion # 9 (1992)

Every time I try to play poker in peace, like God intended, Cherry Dilday starts screaming,
"I wanna go! I wanna go! I wanna go!" Why do women feel the need to do this?
I'm Joe Bob Briggs, and it's Voodoo Formula Night here on "MonsterVision." Our first movie is Love Potion No. 9, starring Sandra Bullock as a nerd in a lab coat, followed by the great Wes Craven flick "The Serpent and the Rainbow," based on the true story of some guy at Harvard who goes down to Haiti to try to find out the secret formula for turnin people into zombies. And the great rockabilly gospel singer Wanda Jackson, who's known for a song that's kinda related to "Love Potion No. 9" is gonna stop by. I'll explain later. You know, there's a reason why women have been banned from poker games since the beginning of time. Lemme splain it here for you. First of all, they don't REALLY wanna go. They SAY they wanna go. They ACT like they wanna watch a bunch of guys play poker. And sometimes, God forbid, they even say they wanna PLAY THE GAME THEMSELVES. But what happens when they get there? They wanna talk about the French onion dip. They wanna talk about the color of the tablecloth. They wanna say things like, "That's FUNNY the way you shuffle." In other words, they wanna concentrate on everything except THE GOLDURN POKER GAME.

Secondly, this really happened to me. I was showing two jacks up against Chubb Fricke's two queens in seven-card stud one night, and on the last card he checked. I pushed a hunnerd dollars in chips into the pot, KNOWING THAT HE HAD ME BEAT. And Chubb sat there for a LOOOOOOOONG time, trying to decide what to do. Meanwhile, Cherry is hovering around the table, bringing me drinks and stuff, and she asks to look at my hand. So I show it to her--and then she says, "I have to go to the ladies room." She LEAVES the dang table. She acts like she could CARE LESS what happens. Chubb grins at me, pushes $200 into the pot. He knew that, if I had a hand, Cherry would have stuck around to see us play it out. I had him bluffed, and she UNBLUFFED HIM.

The only thing worse than having women at the poker table is having women in the game. I played against a group of women one time, checked on three queens, held four of them in a pretty sizeable pot with weak hands. I checked on the showdown round, then raised the limit when the betting got back to me. The last two in both called me and I raked quite a pile, and then all these women ATTACKED ME, claiming it was against the rules to check on a good hand and then raise the limit. They didn't think it was "nice." Poker is NOT NICE. Whoever said poker was NICE? Poker is one guy trying to take away every OTHER guy's money. Poker is NASTY. There was only one woman I ever met who could play poker, and she was a 350-pound lesbian. Normally, it's just NOT IN THE GENES.

And speaking of estrogen overkill, you gals'll like our first flick, "Love Potion No. 9." It's the story of a buck-toothed, horn-rimmed scientist who sprays some magic Binaca in her mouth and becomes Sandra Bullock. And her geeky lab partner, Tate Donovan, uses the breath spray, too, and starts sleeping with entire sororities, even though he's still basically a geek. Let's do the drive-in totals and get it started. We have:

No dead bodies.
No breasts.
20 hot-to-trot cats.
One post-coital chimp.
One shamelessly wasted prostitute.
Right hook to the jaw.
Saliva to the hand.
Peacock feather to the, uh, well, I better not say it.
Nipple grabbing.
Gratuitous Anne Bancroft.
Farfegnugen Fu.

I give it . . . three and a half stars. I really like this little goofball of a movie. Check it out, and we'll be brewing a little love potion here ourselves. And singer Wanda Jackson will be comin by.

[fading] Listen, guys, I'm telling you. Do NOT relax the age-old rule on women at poker games. Send em to day spas. Give em tickets to the ballet. Do ANYTHING, but do NOT let em near that table. I do NOT wanna have to tell you again.

"LOVE POTION NO. 9" Commercial Break #1

Kinda got that cotton-candy comedy feel, doesn't it? Based on the great song by Jerry Leiber and Mike Stoller. Half the movies in the 80s were named after Leiber and Stoller songs. "Stand By Me." "Poison Ivy." The team that wrote every song you never remembered you knew until somebody sings it in a Ramada Inn lounge. Don't get me wrong--great songwriters, they did a lot of stuff for Elvis--"Hound Dog," "Jailhouse Rock"--but their songs are so HUMMABLE that every lounge lizard programs it into his combo synthesizer/Hammond organ/rhythm section. "Love Me"--remember that one? "Young Blood." "Kansas City." "Yakety Yak." "Riot in Cell Block Number 9," which was sung by the great Wanda Jackson, who's gonna be swingin by a little later. They just had that tribute show on Broadway, "Smokey Joe's Cafe," big hit with tourists--and every song is Leiber and Stoller. "On Broadway." That's one of their hit songs, isn't it? [hums "On Broadway"] See what I mean? I won't be able to forget it the rest of the night. Did somebody just charge us five thousand dollars? They hate it when you hum popular songs on TV. "That'll be three million dollars please, because you SANG MY SONG." Okay, great scene with the bitchy blonde at the bar, wasn't it? Although, in truth, women are never that honest. They either say "I'm married" or "I have a boyfriend" or "I wouldn't sleep with you if I was deaf, dumb and blind." If only they'd be more straightforward. Anyhow, that was Hillary Bailey Smith as the girl, and if I was Tate Donovan, I would've at LEAST taken a STAB at her question. And then he lets a perfectly good professional girl go to waste. At least Sandra Bullock got a little nookie in. Okay, next break I'm gonna brew a little of my own love potion, so roll the film.

[fading] No self-respecting guy would have a cat, right? I mean, that there says it all. Actually, I like cats. After the show we'll all exchange recipes. "I'm going to Kansas City ..." I'm so fired.

"LOVE POTION NO. 9" Commercial Break #2

[love potion ingredients: rosemary, black tea, thyme, nutmeg, mint leaves, rose petals, lemon leaves, hot spring water, sugar, honey; earthenware or copper kettle; recipe]

You know what this reminds me of? Those bottles of pheromones they sell in the back of Hustler magazine. Same thing, right? You spray it all over your body right before you go out on a date and women get incredibly horny for your bod. But it costs 60 bucks and the bottles are so small that--well, I don't know any DETAILS. Okay, you know what we're gonna do right now? We're gonna brew our own LOVE POTION. Won't this be cute? Where'd we get this love potion? [silence] Apparently some massage parlor down on Harry Hines Boulevard. Okay, I believe Rusty is bringing out some mail at the next break, so I thought I'd try it out on her. Not that I really NEED that kinda help. Anyhow, here are the ingredients: [putting them in tea pot] 1 pinch of rosemary, 2 teaspoons of black tea, 3 pinches of thyme, 3 pinches of nutmeg, 3 mint leaves, 6 rose petals, 6 lemon leaves, 3 cups of pure spring water--I hope Ozarka is okay--sugar, and honey. What kind of potion is this? This sounds like something grandma takes to the Ladies Day luncheon at the Babtist Church. Shouldn't we have some frog's guts in here or something? Okay, [reading recipe] "To make another person fall in love with you, brew this tea on a Friday--" On a Friday? Why do we have a recipe you have to do on a Friday? Why don't we have a Saturday recipe? See, already I'm hosed. All right, maybe it'll still work. "...brew this tea on a Friday during a waxing moon." At least we got THAT right. We're waxing like crazy this week. We got a moon that's waxing more than Pamela Anderson before a photo shoot. "Place all ingredients in an earthenware or copper tea kettle." Okay, I did that. "Boil three cups of pure spring water and add to the kettle. Sweeten with sugar and honey, if desired. Before drinking, recite this magical rhyme:" You guys ready? "BY LIGHT OF MOON WAXING I BREW THIS TEA TO MAKE RUSTY DESIRE ME." [drinks tea] Now I'm supposed to say: "GODDESS OF LOVE HEAR NOW MY PLEA. LET RUSTY DESIRE ME! SO MOTE IT, SO MOTE IT BE." Whatever that means. Okay, "On the following Friday, brew another pot of tea and give some to the person you want to love you. He or she will soon begin to fall in love with you." Oh, great, I'm supposed to wait a week. That doesn't help me. I tell you what, I'll try it tonight, and if it doesn't work, I'll do it again next week. All right, let's get back to the movie.

[fading] You know, I could just pretend that I'm doing this by the book, but I want you folks at home to have the advantage of the recipe as it's ACTUALLY WRITTEN. Not the half-baked way we do things around HERE. We couldn't find a love potion with a one-night turnaround? Did we call that witch guy we had on last summer? Never mind, I've been having trouble with my car ever since he was on the show. That was a strange experience. Remember when he came out of the closet on the show? Out of the broom closet. We ARE waxing, aren't we? I don't care what you guys are doing, I'm waxing.

"LOVE POTION NO. 9" Commercial Break #3

[love potion tea]

Good scene again with the bitchy blonde in the bar. Played by Hillary Bailey Smith. The girl so awesome she has three last names. I think I forgot to mention that she's a pretty big soap star, plays Nora Buchanan on "One Life to Live." The fact that Tate Donovan doesn't take her home and THEN blow her off proves that this is, indeed, a chick flick. Course, there WAS the sorority house. But let's not get bogged down in details, cause it's time for "Joe Bob's Advice to the Hopeless," where we answer some of your own questions of love--[sotto] and don't forget I have the Love Potion--[enters] and to help us out is the irresistible TNT Mail Girl, Rusty. Would you like some tea?

MAIL GIRL: No, thank you. By the way, women aren't real crazy about the phrase "chick flick."
Why not?
MAIL GIRL: Well, it does kind of reduce us to a stereotype.
No, I mean, why don't you want any tea?
MAIL GIRL: I just had a big cup of coffee.
This is herbal.
MAIL GIRL: I'm just not thirsty. Where'd you get it?
I made it.
MAIL GIRL: Oh, then I really don't want it. Here's an e-mail from Mike Senger of Decatur, Illinois.

Redneck skyscraper "Dear Joe Bob,
"You are truly the Franz Kafka of the Trailer Park. Your witticisms are timely as a plate of hot biscuits and gravy."
That's a compliment, right?
MAIL GIRL: I think it is.
"P.S. If you get this soon, move the flyswatter on the wall. Better yet, scold Rusty the Mailgirl with it for late mail.
"Mike 'Sing Sing' Senger,

Well, Mike, we don't allow any butt-swatting on "MonsterVision," as that is no longer acceptable in the society of polite females and can result in costly sexual harassment litigation.
Oh what the hell, you talked me into it. Bring me that fly swatter so I can give you a spanking, Rusty.
MAIL GIRL: I don't THINK so!
I tell you what--drink my tea and I'll spare you.
MAIL GIRL: I told you, I don't want any tea.
But I made it just for you.
MAIL GIRL: That and the spanking will really get you far. [starts to exit]
Why don't you take it with you. You can drink it later.
MAIL GIRL: Okay, fine. [takes tea, exits]
She'll be back.

[fading] We get a LOT of letters about hanky spanky panky. That's getting real popular, isn't it? I don't wanna know why. Okay? Are you a spankER or a spankEE? You have to be one or the other. Jerry Springer.

"LOVE POTION NO. 9" Commercial Break #4

Pretty good job of turning Sandra Bullock from a geek into a beauty. She was a believable geek, don't you think? You know those girls that say "No girl is really ugly--every girl has potential--we'll just work on it, dear"? It's never the ugly girls that say that, is it? Some people you can't really work on. They fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. I like that place on Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills, that lady's day spa--their motto is "There are no unattractive women, only LAZY ones." Anyway, what would have been interesting is if Sandra Bullock REMAINED a geek in the movie but continued to use the potion. She would have guys falling all over her, millionaires wanting to marry her, but she would still look like Miss Hathaway on "The Beverly Hillbillies." Wouldn't that be funnier? Anyway, Sandra Bullock's daddy is a good ole boy from Alabama, but her mama is a German opera singer, so Sandy--that's what her friends call her, Sandy--had kind of a continental upbringing. But she bought a place in Austin where she hangs on the weekends, with a rolling beer cooler for backyard parties. Tell me this isn't a gal I'D like to hang with. [Floor Director brings a whole cooler of beer] Wow, thanks, [ ]. She also says she thinks there's something sexy about a gut. A man with a paunch. Must be those Alabama genes of hers. And she says she likes simple people who aren't into money. Okay, Sandy! Let's look at how much money YOU make, you simple girl you. 1994: five hundred thou for "Speed." Ninety-six: TEN MILLION five hundred thou for "In Love and War." I never even HEARD of "In Love and War." Did anybody see that? In 1997, she made TWELVE AND A HALF million bucks for "Speed 2," which I think got the Razzie Award that year for Worst Picture, and made somewhere in the region of what you make picking up trash on the interstate. And last year she made eleven mil for "Hope Floats." That's another one nobody saw, right? The one with Harry Connick, Jr.? So, I don't know, she may be the girl next door, but as Mae West said, What's so great about the girl next door? If I wanna see the girl next door, I don't have to go to the movies, I'll go NEXT DOOR.

[Floor Director puts a platter of cheese and crackers on the table]

[ ], what's goin on? Did the show just get cancelled or something?

F.D.: [hesitates, then sits down] I love you, man!

Oh, my god--did Rusty give you some tea that I made?!

[F.D. nods]

[Joe Bob exits] Rusty!

[F.D. follows]

"LOVE POTION NO. 9" Commercial Break #5

Okay, we've got [ ] safely locked away for the next four hours--who knew that stuff would work? You know, they did a test at Chicago's Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation--can you believe that's a real place? Anyway, they tested a group of men to see what odors stimulated the greatest blood flow to the nether region, if you know what I mean and I think you do, and it turned out that the most arousing scent was a combination of lavender and pumpkin pie. The second most stimulating was a combo of donuts and licorice. Women spend thousands of dollars on odors from France mixed with the ageless wisdom of guys named Jacques who live in Marseilles and grow entire forests full of secret flowers--and all we need is the guy who sells fast food at the train station. Anyhow, we have a very special guest who's taken time out of her touring schedule to chat with us. This is amazing. She's credited as being the first woman ever to do rockabilly, she was known as the female Elvis Presley, and I believe she TOURED with Elvis. She did songs like "Fujiyama Mama," and was known for lyrics like, "A good girl doesn't have to drink to have fun." I'm talking about, of course, Wanda Jackson. Wanda, welcome to "MonsterVision."


Now, we talked earlier about Leiber and Stoller, who wrote the song "Love Potion No. 9," and they also wrote the great rockabilly tune "Riot in Cell Block Number Nine," which you sang. Did you ever meet Leiber and Stoller?


From what I understand, "Riot in Cell Block Number Nine" was originally written from the male point of view. How did you get a hold of it, and who wrote the lyrics that made it take place in a women's prison?


It's on a new C.D., right?

[Wanda talks about "Rebels and Outlaws"]

I have a copy of the C.D. here, but there's a picture of Johnny Cash doin something with his middle finger that TNT wouldn't be too fond of my showing. Maybe I can cover it up with my hand . . . [shows C.D.] How do YOU feel about this, cause didn't you leave the world of secular music for a long time?

[Wanda talks about singing gospel]

And what made you get back into rockabilly?


Normally at this point on a show like this, they'd say, "Hey, how bout a song," but if we hired a band for you, I'd have to take a pay cut that would put me in a negative tax bracket. Maybe you could just hum something in the public domain. Are there any gospel tunes that don't cost anything?


And on that note, we'll go back to the flick. Wanda Jackson, thanks so much for stopping by.

"LOVE POTION NO. 9" Commercial Break #6

Okay, lemme see if I can get this straight. If you drink Love Potion Number 8, then bitchy blonde soap stars wanna have sex with you on a barstool when you whisper "Farfegnugen" in their ear. If you drink Love Potion Number NINE, your love will last forever, unless you didn't really love them, and then you get the taste of donkey sweat in your mouth. And BOTH of you have to drink it. But if YOU took Love Potion Number NINE, and the other person took Love Potion Number EIGHT, you'll want to have sex with them even though they're two-bit thieving hookers. But you also get the taste of donkey sweat in your mouth. Does that about sum it up? Thank you, Dale Launer. Dale is the writer/producer/director who brought us this movie. He also wrote "My Cousin Vinny," and he was given a choice of which one he wanted to direct, this one or that one. That one had Marisa Tomei in an Oscar-winning performance. Yum. This one had Anne Bancroft spitting in Tate Donovan's hand. Yuk. Okay, let's go to the predictable but still goofily enjoyable conclusion of "Love Potion Number 9"--but don't forget, we've got the great Wes Craven flick, "The Serpent and the Rainbow" after this. Go.

[fading] You know what today's love potion is, right? Viagra. I was gonna get some Viagra, but my insurance wouldn't cover it. Actually, they do cover it, but they said they had to sort out the recreational Viagrans from the truly Viagra needy. I said I WAS Viagra needy, but then they wanted to know how I could I get through a hundred pills in a week and a half. So I said forget it--it just wasn't worth the hassle, you know? I figured, Why not be ready? They frown on its use in a POTENTIAL manner, if you know what I mean. And I think you do.


Two hundred horny extras chasing a hooker through the streets of Atlanta--I say that is GENIUS. I don't know why Dale Launer hasn't directed his SECOND movie yet. Anyway, if you think that's cute, did you know that Sandra Bullock and Tate Donovan fell in luuuuv while they were making this movie, and they ended up being Significant Whatchiehoojits for three years. ❤️ Isn't that cute? And then they fell out of love.

Okay, I wanna let you know that next Saturday is Time Travel Night, and we'll have two movies based on the SAME book--H.G. Wells' "The Time Machine." The first one is closer to the original, the 1960 classic "The Time Machine," Rod Taylor goes into the futuristic world of 1960, and "Time After Time," where Jack the Ripper travels to 1979. We will NOT be showing Back to the Future again. We're saving that for Motor Oil Night. We really do have a Motor Oil Night later this month. Don't ask.
Tonight's host segments continue with
Wes Craven's Serpent & The Rainbow (filmed in Haiti)
Or see host segments for next week's Time Machine and Time After Time

Love Potion #9 song

                       Sandra Bullock previous movie broadcasts in 2007:
28 Days (2000, alcoholic journalist is sent to a rehab clinic filled with eccentrics)
Fri  Sep 21  08:30P & 12:00A on Oxygen

Crash (2004, drama about racism in present-day Los Angeles)
Thu  Aug  2  06:15P on Showtime #2
Sat  Aug  4  01:00A on Showtime
Sat  Aug  4  08:00P on Showtime Showcase
Mon  Aug  6  10:30P on Showtime Women
Tue  Aug  7  10:00P on Showtime Extreme
Wed  Sep  5  07:30P on The Movie Channel

Forces of Nature (1999)
Mon  Sep 10  11:30A on Cinemax
Sat  Sep 15  10:30A on Cinemax

Hope Floats (1998, that's not what they say floats down at the waste treatment plant)
Fri  Sep  7  09:00A on HBO
Sun  Sep  9  07:00P on HBO Signature
Tue  Sep 11  07:45A on HBO Zone

The Lake House (2006 fantasy, doctor and an architect exchange letters across time)
Fri  Sep  7  04:15P on HBO
Sun  Sep  9  05:40P on HBO Zone
Tue  Sep 11  09:00A on HBO Signature

Love Potion No. 9 
Mon  Jun 18  01:20P & 10:00P on Movie Plex
Sun  July 8  9:00P on Encore Love Stories
Sat  Jul 21  1pm/4pm EST on Fox Movie Channel
Sat  Aug 11  12:20P on Encore
Sat  Sep  8  07:50A on Starz Comedy
Tue  Sep 11  03:05P on Starz Comedy

Loverboy (2005)
Sat  Sep  8  09:00P on Showtime Women

Miss Congeniality (tomboyish FBI agent goes undercover at a beauty pageant to catch a serial killer)
Sat  Sep 22  03:45P on TBS 

Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous (2005)
Sat  May 19  08:00P on Cinemax

Practical Magic (1998, Bullock, Nicole Kidman) 
(Sibling witches become focus of investigation after magic misfires on man who tried to abduct them)
Sat  Sep  8  09:30P on HBO Family
Fri  Sep 14  04:00P on HBO Plus

Speed (Dennis Hopper plants bomb on bus that will go off if slows down, Bullock as driver)
Thu  Sep 13  07:30P & 12:00A EST on Fox Movie Channel

Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997)
Wed  July 4  08:00P on Encore
Sun  Aug  5  12:40P & 2:00A on Starz
Sat  Aug 11  12:30P on Action
Thu  Sep  6  02:10P & 10:00P on Action
Thu  Sep  6  03:10P & 11:00P on Movie Plex
Thu  Sep 13  09:30P EST on Fox Movie Channel

The Vanishing (1993 remake)
Sat  Sep  8  12:15P & 10:10P on Mystery
Wed  Sep 12  09:00P on Encore Drama Channel
Mon  Sep 24  09:30P on Fox Movie Channel

While You Were Sleeping (1995)
A lonely clerk poses as a comatose man's fiancée, then falls for his brother. 
Sat  Sep  8  08:45A on Showtime
Fri  Sep 14  10:45A & 8:40P on Showtime Family Zone
Sat  Sep 15  07:45A on Starz
Fri  Sep 28  12:00P, 9:00P & 7:15A on Encore Love Stories

Biography: Sandra Bullock (2005, 60 mins)
Tue  Jun 19  08:00P & 12:00A on Biography Channel

Sandra Bullock Revealed (2007 profile, 60 min) 
Tue  Sep  4  02:00P on E! Television

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Host segment transcript ©1999 Turner Network Television. A Time Warner Company. All Rights Reserved
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