(Please note--I do not know where these come from or who said them. They're just there, and they're too good to keep to myself. Do enjoy. Do not sue.)
All power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat, though.
If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.
Taxation WITH representation ain't much fun either.
I don't have a license to kill but I do have a learner's permit.
He who dies with the most toys is still dead.
"Time is fun when you're having flies." Kermit the Frog
Red meat is not bad for you, but fuzzy green meat is.
Toilet stolen from police station. Cops have nothing to go on.
They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
The Dark Ages was caused by the Y1K problem.
A fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.
If you think there is good in everybody, then you obviously haven't met everybody.
Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career.
Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.
Remember: First you pillage, THEN you burn.
To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake.
Half the people in the world are below average.
Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Strip mining prevents forest fires.
A picture may be worth a thousand words, but it uses up a thousand times more memory!
If a thing is worth doing, wouldn't it have been done already?
If we weren't meant to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Ham and eggs: Just a day's work for a chicken, but a lifetime commitment for a pig.
There are three kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
. . . every morning is the dawn of a new error.
For people who like piece and quiet . . . a phoneless cord!
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
Mental Floss prevents moral decay!
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change ready.
Be nice to your kids . . . they'll be the ones choosing your nursing home.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
There can't be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Did you ever stop to think . . . and forget to start again?
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
I don't have a solution, but I admire the problem.
Don't be so open minded that your brains fall out.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" . . . 'till you can find a rock!
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone have your way.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Help Wanted: Telepath . . . you know where to apply.
Mechanic's slogan: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
Shinbone: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Department of Redundancy Department.
Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember: amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic
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