| LoveLine QuotesSean Loman, quit your bitchin' and haul your ass to Dupont Circle NOW! See? I'm making a LoveLine quotes page. Why isn't it in "General Quotes"? Because Adam's words are too special to mingle among people like Ghandi and myself. For those who do not know, LoveLine is a radio show that broadcasts from LA in California. Sure, it's a TV show too, but I refuse to watch it. It doesn't have the same intimacy as on the radio. The two hosts of the show are Dr. Drew (a Board Certified internist and Board Certified addictionalogist, the Medical Director for the department of chemical dependency services at Las Encinas Hospital in Pasadena and the Chief of Service in the department of medicine) and Adam Carolla (also seen on The Man Show on Comedy Central). It provides information and entertainment through conversations (and sometimes rants) that Adam and Drew carry on with callers who dial in with their problems. They also have guests visiting the show often, such as the cast of That 70's Show and various porn stars. ^_^ In addition to Dr. Drew and Adam Carolla (who, if I haven't mentioned yet, is God), there's Engineer Mike (AKA the one-nut wonder. I'm the no-nut wonder), Anderson (another engineer), Anne (the producer, who brings in the guests), and Lisa (the phone screener; Adam gets mad at her once in a while . . .). But anyway, that's not the point. The point of this page is to provide you with entertaining quotes from the show. However, let me remind you, reading these quotes is in no way going to provide you with the amount of entertainment that you would recieve if you heard them live. In other words, this is NOT a substitute for the show! In other words, GO LISTEN! (And I'm proud to say that 99.1 HFS is proclaimed by Adam as one of the best radio stations in the country. Rock on!) Ooh, and a few things I must say:
Drew Drops or Adam Drops or stuff from the Drew Boogie, Adam Shuffle, or Drew Shuffle will be marked in red .
I got most of these quotes from The Unofficial Loveline Archive. It's an awesome site and you should go visit. As time goes on, I will begin to add more quotes that I take down from the radio show.
"Does he work around a lot of metal?" -- Adam Carolla. Hehe. Only LoveLine listeners would understand this one.
"Go kick your dad in the nuts for me, will you? Somehow he's failed you." -- Adam Carolla
"Listen, jackhole . . ." -- Adam Carolla
"That's ricockulous!" -- Adam Carolla (I LOVE THIS ONE)
"Can you believe Drew and I get paid the same?" -- Adam Carolla
"Shut Drew's mic off." -- Adam Carolla
"Until tomorrow, this is Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying: mahalo." -- Adam Carolla
"And now, please enjoy these birds. [birds chirp]" -- HFS after the show ends.
"Well, it did smell nice." Dr. Drew about Adam's schlong. Penis.
"Could you imagine this guy? A-holes usually aren't THIS blatant. All the A-holes I knew in high school didn't just stomp right through the front door with their A-hole-icity; they just kind of slithered in." -- Adam Carolla, in response to a girl who was talking about her now-dead (suicide) best friend's boyfriend hitting on her.
"If I came back as a dog, the first thing I'd do is pee on your carpet. Then, FINALLY I could lick my own nuts." -- Adam Carolla in response to a girl who said "wait until you come back as a dog in your next life" because she was mad at him for being too easy on James, a guy who was regularly having sex with his dog.
"Why should I be? What, is his dog gonna give birth to a puppy that's gonna rape my kids later on? Am I gonna have to pay tax money because the puppy's gonna be on welfare, or be thrown into the prison system? No! He's just letting his dog bang him! ...The reason why I wasn't so outraged is because the dog was humping him! To me, that makes all the difference in the world! How can you be a victim when you have a boner? You know what I mean? That has to be the luckiest dog in the world!" -- Adam to another caller who was outraged about the dog incident.
"When I'm in power, here's how I'm gonna put the country back on its feet. I'm going to put sterilizing agents in the following products: Sunny Delight, Mountain Dew, and Thick-Crust Pizza. Only the 'tardiest of the 'tards like the thick crust." -- Adam Carolla. (mmm . . . Mountain Dew . . . *drool*)
"We settled it in court, and the guy owed me 3,500 bucks. But I never got a penny from him! And after about a year I called the courthouse, and I said look, the guy's supposed to send 200 dollars to you each month, and you're supposed to send it to me. But they have no record of it, they have no idea what's going on. And I said listen, here's what I'd like you to do. Pretend that I owe you five dollars. Because when you get a parking ticket in this goddam city, they come after you with helicopters. And believe me, they don't forget about anything. Everything doubles, there are penalites, there's interest, and if you get a parking ticket, and god forbid a year later you try to go in and register your vehicle, do not think the computer at the DMV is not linked up to the computer at the courthouse, and that they haven't added ten bucks on there beside doubling and tripling the fee. But when it comes to people owing YOU money, there's a monkey in the back with a goddam abacus! When you owe THEM money, they're using the computer at JPL. But when some idiot owes YOU money, there's a caveman smacking on something with a stick! I want you A-holes to use the SAME goddam computer you use, when I get a parking ticket, on the guy who owes me money. Now I got a letter today, and the letter said 'Dear Mr. Cattillo.' Can we not fire anybody from this system? How stupid do you have to be? They spelled my name with like four T's in it. I don't know how you can F— up that badly, but let me tell you something, everybody. In the private sector, you'd not only be fired, you'd be BEATEN! Out in the parking lot! Do you understand? You are so inept and so incompetent that firing wouldn't be enough! Anyway, I said, why don't you just go and get the guy? You know? Just show up at his house and go get him? And even though this guy owed me 3,500 bucks, they said, 'Oh, we can't do that.' Then how come when my buddy Ray had a bunch of parking tickets, the sheriff showed up at his doorstep, his mom answered the door, and they pulled him out in his underpants and threw him in the back of the squad car? You go get Ray, how come you don't go get this guy? Why? Because there's nothing in it for them. This guy owes ME money, he does not owe them money. What do I have to do, cut you guys in? Is that what it's gonna take? Do you have to skim a little off the top? Let me explain something to all you lawmakers, judges, and politicians. The court system is in place NOT as a fundraiser. The reason you're there is to promote justice and protect the citizens. Citizens pay tons of money in taxes, and once every ten years they need you. And you fall flat on your asses, you lazy, pathetic SOB's. Here's what I want: I want some credit. Next time I get a $35 parking ticket, just go ahead and pull that off the $3,500 that you have not done anything about." -- Adam Carolla on one of his awesome rants, this time about how unfair the legal system is after a guy crashed into his parked car.
Makes me sick!
"Never leave your kids alone with a guy named 'Chet.'" -- Adam Carolla
If I find you feeling my underwear again, this is what's going to happen . . .
"There are three things that school lunches have destroyed for 12-year-olds: hot dogs, hamburgers, and pizza. You have to stay up pretty late to ruin pizza for a 12-year-old. Even an English muffin with some Ragu and a slice of American cheese is better that the crap the schools give." -- Adam Carolla
"I miss the old crime. You know, when someone would try to tunnel into a bank rather than just march right in with the AK-47 ablaze. Or instead of rape at knifepoint, someone would just cop a feel. Or how about those people who just exposed themselves." -- Adam Carolla. I agree!
Asshole!
"Technology has steered clear of the dental profession for MANY years." -- Adam Carolla
"I'll tell you where God is. God is in jail! Someone does time, then all of a sudden he's a Born-Again Christian!" -- Adam Carolla
"The number one reason why this country (USA) is going down the tubes is that people are having kids, but their first concern is a threesome! It's like, "Honey, call the sitter, we're going to have an orgy!'" -- Adam Carolla. I can't wait until he rules the world and sets these egotards straight.
You're fat.
"What is the ultimate control? The buttlove. When your penis is in someone's ass, the answer to every question is 'yes.'" -- Adam Carolla
"I should write the Reverse-Psychology Anti-Bible! Thou SHALL covet thy neighbor's wife and oxen! Thou SHALL steal!... At least it would be good humor reading on an airplane." -- Adam Carolla
"HERE'S WHY YOU DONT HAVE KIDS WHEN YOU'RE 19 YEARS OLD: BECAUSE YOU'RE STUPID!" -- Adam Carolla. Amen.
"Here's the irony of people who like to get into bizarre highs: these are the people who can afford to do it the least. You know what I mean? It's kind of a catch-22. Because you think it's a good idea to suck off of your car's gas tank in the first place means you just have the bare minimum amount of brain cells alloted to a human as is, and you're burning those quick." -- Adam Carolla
Can I say that?
"I think a lot of our callers think that sperm is like some kind of fossil fuel, something that eventually can be depleted. They don't realize that it's constantly being replenished. And the funny thing is, they still keep masturbating every night." -- Adam Carolla
"To a lot of our callers, 'third base' means anal sex; but I always call that the dugout." -- Adam Carolla
"All right, David, hold on while we discuss your stupidity for a second." -- Adam Carolla
You're overweight.
"What is it with our callers? How come when you ask them something, they give the least satisfying response possible? I hear some noise in the background so I ask what it is, and they say, 'I couldn't tell ya!' Or it's like, 'So there's nothing going on in the background?' And the response is, 'If you say so!'" -- Adam Carolla
"That was like, gynecology meets ebonics. 'Gybonics.'" -- after a caller called ovaries "ovals"
"Let me say something to everyone out there: do NOT play 'Truth or Dare.' I could see NOTHING good coming from this game. Some piece of weird information comes flying out, or you end up tonguing one of your friends, or picking a piece of kibble out of the dog's crap and eating it, or something like that. There's NOTHING good that could come from this game." -- Adam Carolla. Hehe . . . truth or dare. *evil grin*
I wanna be dominated.
"It's ironic how kids cut class and then go hang out in the bathroom. You're leaving the teacher's boring lecture to go stand on urine-stained tile." -- Adam Carolla
"You know what I don't understand about bikers? Since when does your transportation become your life? You know what I mean? Okay, you got a motorcycle. Big deal! Just ride the goddam motorcycle! Why do you have to turn it into a lifestyle? I don't need to know about it! Take care of your kids, for god's sake." -- Adam Carolla
You're gay.
"I question not only those who are getting their penis pierced, but also those who are doing the piercing. I mean, this is what you're doing for a living? God, your parents have to be pissed." -- Adam Carolla
"Here's my message to everyone out there: I don't want you to kill yourself. But if you're gonna kill someone else, kill yourself first." -- Adam Carolla. Hmm, good philosophy, eh?
"The urge to molest your daughter has nothing to do with physicality. It is simply a sick, f—ed up impulse. It's not like, 'Ooh, the way the daiper hangs off of her ass really turns me on.'" -- Adam Carolla
"Let me say something to all those who are called weird. Why do people say you're weird? Because you're weird!!!" -- Adam Carolla. Okay, fine, I admit it, I'm weird. Get off my back, kid.
This is not acceptable.
"People who call the vagina the 'virgina' should never get married; and, people who are afraid they're pregnant because their cousin wacked off in the jacuzzi last summer should not be having sex." -- Adam Carolla
"How's that gonna work when Adam's making his 150th wack-off joke of the first hour? "Um, what Adam is really saying here, um......his penis is a metaphor for, um.......oh man. I think he just wacks off a lot, honey. Don't end up like him." -- Adam Carolla after Drew encourages a caller to continue listening to LoveLine with her 12-year-old son.
"...All right, that's enough. Do your job, Drew. I mean, Bruce. I'm so used to yelling at Drew that every time I yell at someone, I call him 'Drew.' I'm gonna have to name my kid 'Drew' just so that there won't be any confusion." -- Adam Carolla when Dr. Bruce was filling in for Drew
You're sick!
"Hang on, gotta go light a fart." -- Adam Carolla. He often runs off on callers in the middle of a heartbreaking speech or something with that exact quote to do that exact thing.
"[Producer] Ann lavished us with Christmas gifts this year! I think she wants some oral sex. This is way too much for just Christmas." -- Adam Carolla
"That's really the only time I heard something brilliant come from Drew. Except for the time I forced him to say that I'm a genius." -- Adam Carolla commenting on the time when Drew said: "I put the B.O. in boring"
"Most of the parents who listen to this show are drunk and 16." -- Adam Carolla
Gee it hurts.
"When the TV producer came up to me and told me that we need a female perspective, I said, 'We've got Drew! That's more than enough of a female perspective.' He knows more about the vagina than most women." -- Adam Carolla
Faggot better run.
"I thought to myself—as I was fast-forwarding through all this nonsense—do not start the porn movie with a funeral! Because I'm trying to wack off. And I don't need this. I had to apologize to my penis. Drew, you know how if there's something horrible on TV, you'll shield your kids' eyes? I had to do that with my penis. My penis was trying to slip through my fingers, and say 'Hey, hey, what's going on,' and I had to say, 'Don't look, don't look, somebody just died.'" -- Talking to a porn star (Serenity) about a porn she was in that started with a funeral scene.
"For me, it's the only time when I can do long division. For that 2.5 seconds, I'll try to hammer out a budget for the month." -- Adam on the moment before he "climaxes" while masturbating.
"This has been going on for a long time, since the cavemen. I'm guessing it came long before the wheel, or fire. Do you know what I'm saying, Drew? As soon as early man realized that he liked sex, he probably found a way to masturbate." -- Adam Carolla on masturbation
"Yeah, I think those were the Carollas! It must've been a tough couple-thousand years. No laundry, no hamper...no shower! Could you imagine that? How could you fake it? It's like, "Tobar, you've been in the waterfall for over forty-five minutes now! What are you doing in there?" -- Adam Carolla, more masturbatory comments.
So i've had anal sex
"Yes. It's not just Adam. To say "he's 19 and a male" is synonymous with "he masturbates."" -- Drew to a female caller who's surprised to find that 100% of 19-year-old males masturbate
"When I'm getting oral sex, I like to study the victim—I mean, partner—so I can use the image later on when I masturbate. I figure that it's a great mental picture that I can get a lot of mileage out of." -- Adam Carolla
Still a virgin.
"Wet dreams are just God wacking you off. He does it for you if you don't do it yourself. That sperm is gonna come out one way or another." -- Adam Carolla
"If you spent as much time on Spanish as you did on your penis when you were 14, you'd speak Spanish fluently." -- Adam Carolla
"I don't trust a man who uses his imagination when masturbating. Not in this day and age of videocassettes." -- Adam Carolla
Thought I should be spayed . . . was confused
"I feel bad now! I can imagine my sperm calling out from my hamper, in little elves voices! "Let us out, Adam! It's dark in here!" -- Adam Carolla after Drew tells him that sperm live for about 10 minutes after leaving the human body.
"I urge all our listeners to masturbate. Right now. Because it takes the wind right out of the sex drive. We don't want rapists going into society half-cocked and ready to go. If they masturbate, they'll say, 'Uhh... I think I'll rape tomorrow instead.'" -- Adam Carolla
"Believe me, God knew. He gave us digits on the hand, an arm long enough to reach the genitalia, and the ability to produce 7 billion sperm a day. Plus, he recently invented pornography. No doubt he anticipated that we'd go for the junk." -- Adam Carolla
This guy's penis . . . makes me sick!
"See, my theory is that after your forty-fifth birthday, they're living with you." -- Adam about adults who live with their parents.
"It's a bad idea to tell your parents something they don't want to hear, while you're living with them." -- Adam Carolla
"I was rather neglected by my parents. They didn't seem to know they had a kid until I was, like, 9. It was like I showed up on my ninth birthday, and my dad said that I seemed like a nice kid and that I could stay." -- Adam Carolla
You're dysfunctional.
(While Seth Green was on the show):
"The day you got the record deal, when you went home and your dad told you to take out the garbage, did you just tell him to kiss your ass?" -- Adam to Eve 6 about how they got their record deal in high school
"The problem with the word 'husky' is that people use it so much as a euphemism for 'fat' that now those who are truly 'husky' feel insulted. It's like when Cher ruins it for the Indians by saying that she's 1/16th Commanche." -- Adam Carolla
Not acceptable.
"Listen everybody, if you take someone and molest them from whatever age until thirteen, and spin their sexual wheel, then they're gonna be bisexual, lesbian, confused, or whatever. But as a society, we're all supposed to go, 'Hey man, they made a choice sexually, and it's what they're into, man, who are you to judge them?' And it's like, I'm not judging them, but they should just get therapy. 'Why, everyone who's lesbian should get therapy?' No, just the ones that got molested when they were young, and are lesbian because somebody screwed with them!" -- Adam Carolla
"Do guys have something like the vaginal spasm in the butt? Because I think if some guy tried to get on top of me while I was sleeping I could snap his penis right off." -- Adam Carolla
"If she walked in on me like that, I'd act surprised and say, 'Huh? Hey, what the hell, there's a PENIS in my mouth! God, I can't even take a decent nap around here.'" -- Adam's advice to a guy whose mom caught him blowing some other guy.
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