Wishes
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Bad boys- cops (full song)
Topic: Suicidal thoughts
I was hurting so badly inside the other day. It was sometime after midnight and I was laying on my bed, hugging the stuffed animal my best friend had given me and thinking how sad it was to be in my room. How sad it was to be me.

I lay there in tears, trying my best to be quite. If I woke anyone, I'd be in trouble and have to explain something I couldn't. I tried to put a feeling or emotion to what I felt but there was none. Instead, I put an image to the sensations.

I was in a small room painted in sky blue. That's my comfort color lately. Everything, the floor, the walls, the ceiling all of it was blue. I couldn't feel the floor beneath me. I was hovering above it weightless but unable to drift.

I curled up into myself hugging my knees to my chest and steering blankly at the walls with unshed tears in my eyes. I stayed in that room until I felt the thoughts in my head that screamed "I don't want to exist" fade down to a dull mummer and I calmed. Able to see the comfort (blue) around me but unable to touch it. Maybe that's what I hated the most. Nothing that I used to draw comfort from could comfort me, I was untouchable. Accepting this, I finally left the room. But I was assaulted again by my thoughts.

I felt like they(comfort things)where hallow, like the "Emptiness" from the neverending story were real and within my room. My very soul. Pushing such thoughts aside I became angry because no one and no thing was able to grant me the comfort I desperately needed even though I didn't understand why I needed it. All I really knew was I couldn't stop crying, like so many other nights. What reason have I to cry?

I lay there repeating "I don't exist. I don't want to exist." I resolved that it would be alright to not exist anymore.

Ironic my friend should call just then, in the middle of the night, for no other reason then she got the urge to talk.

Webpage Hopelessness
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Ghost Busters
Topic: Website Problems
Oi, okay I'm horrible when it comes to websites, namely my own. I get lots of ideas and start a page but then I don't know what to put on it or where to start once the home page is up. Then to make it worse, I'm never happy/satisfied with it. I always want to make it better but I have nothing to make it better with. I don't want to copy everyone elses work, nor do I want something basic but I can't do complex. They won't let me take an HTML class at school without taking two other classes first and that's just not fair. I know basic computer class stuff already and some html. Thank God the internet offers learning pages for free.

Anyway, I hate working with Angelfire and Tripod because of all the rules (lots a few sites for not following the linking rules) and the popups. Bad enough there has to be set adds on my page but to have 16 of them open everytime you visit an angelfire page is a little rediculus.

But I'm using them because the site host that I really loved ended up going down and I didn't have money (nor is my stuff good enough to make it worth the while) to pay for it. So I've done lots of pages at lots of places. These are not the eaisest pages to update, upload, or orginize. I do enjoy some of the backrounds and I love the picture options that let me resize my pics and all but I'd rather host elsewhere.

I made a blog. This is my thrid one I think. Lost the first on the first day, forgot the url and company I used. Couldnt' get the company I wanted cuz friends never come through for you when you need them and the other was a blog here but has been lost forever. Now the new one I made, this one, I just spent that last two days searching for it. I even had the URL but it wasn't showing up and in my file manager it wasn't appearing. Kept asking me to make a new one. Well, I've finally managed to find it and get into it and I swear, it's rather pointless.

People on line don't care what I have to say. I don't like taking the time to write it either but I figure, hey, I need something to kill some time and burn some frustration. So really, this is a good thing...sometimes. With luck, I'll not lose this one anytime soon.

Depressed about my cats
Now Playing: La LsLa Bonita by Madonna
A few months ago my calico cat Cally (not sure how mom spelled it) died. She had a cancer we didn't know about and a tumor formed in her brain. It eat through her nazel cavity and basicly...her brain exploded, litterally due to built up pressure.

We kept her down in the basement, which was the cats playarea. She was always like a kitten, but she was blind. We'd gotten her as a baby 3 weeks old. The cops found her running around in circles in the street in the rain. We lived in Japan at the time and my mother worked as a human person.

When the cops brought her to us, mom adopted her. But the kitten had been abused and beaten really bad. She couldn't walk for weeks, and she hardly ate anything. But what the worst part was- the person that had beat her had pushed her eyes all the way into her head or ripped them out. The doctors couldn't tell us for sure. They operated, said it was no good and sewed her eyes shut.

I was afraid of her at first. Mother wouldn't let anyone near her because she was to small and I personally didn't take to her well. The only cat I never connected with right off. But once I got used to her and over my fear of her blindness, we got along great and as she got older I enjoyed playing with her.

My father was rather mean to her most of the time and as I take after my dad in most things, I wasn't the kindest person to her either. I prefered my other cats. Cally liked to bite and while I've been bitten by cats before, I've never known one to bite as hard as her. I felt bad about being mean to her and would try very hard as I got old to not be. I would show her I loved her and I think that she loved me.

I was planning on moving out and taking her with me. Mom gave her to me, even though, dispite everything, Cally liked dad best. Cats pick their owners not the other way around. Funny really, but she felt safe with him.

I remember coming home from work and I'd planned to give all three cats a bath that day, brush them out, and feed them some treats and canned food. Cally liked tunafish oil poored over her dry food vs. canned food. So I got it ready. I took it down to her and was upset that she wouldn't eat it. So I left it down there for her.

She'd been spending more and more time in her cat bed. We didn't think much of it, because she'd always done that. Active at night, sleep all day. She didn't play with the other cats to often and she was getting old. But when she wouldn't get up to play at all, and wouldn't use the litter box I started to scolled her. Telling her to stop being lazy. She just cuddled up to me and purred. She was becoming so loving in her final days. I found myself spending more time with her then normal, being nicer, telling her I loved her.

Well, when I came home and took the food down, I told her I loved her out of the blue, pet her, and said I'd be back later to give her a bath and all. She smiled and purred. I didn't get to give them the bath. My whole afternoon was ruined. I can't remember why, I think I got called back into work as soon as I'd gotten home from it.

So I decided to wait and do the baths the next day. Yeah I was at work, because my brother called me. Telling me they'd found her downstairs covered in blood. Mother took her to the vet and an hour later I got a call from her. My cat was dead. There had been nothing anyone could do. And nothing that could have been done to prevent it.

I felt guilty. Because I'd planned to spend some really quaility time with her. I'd promised her and then she died. I didn't even get to say goodbye. But that's the way life is. Hardly ever do we get to say goodbye. I know I've lost everything without ever saying goodbye.

Sometimes though, sometimes I sence something, I don't always realize/reconize it but I since death's hand nearby. I did with her. It's the reason I was suddenly feeling so connected to her. I had wondered about that at the time, then when she died, I knew what I'd felt. If I'm aware of this, sometimes I get to say "I love you" or "Goodnight sweetone" one last time.

Now, my other two cats are in the hospital with fevers and colds. One of them is running 103 and it's not coming down. This is the second night they've been there. Ones 12 years old, the other only 3. I think one of them will die tonight. I can feel it. If that happens, I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should cry. I don't know if I can cry. I have tears, but, it hurts to let them fall. It hurts a lot. My heart is so frail right now. I'm not ready to brake it just yet. Not today....

Can you feel death?

Strong against Death
By: Zorra Reed

I mustn?t cry
I must be strong
I mustn?t cry
Crying doesn't belong
Like the sea
It's calmness before the storm
I feel it crashing down on me
Like a wave
Strong and brave
Brutal in it's certainty
I am dieing
I feel death near me
Delivering a message
A warning
It mocks me
I am dieing
My soul and heart
I feel the tears brewing
I won't let them fall
They don't belong
I must be strong.

Pointless circles
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: Mummer's dance by Loreena McKennitt
11/5/04 1:32am

There's so much pain. It lies inside everyone and everything. We hold it to us, keep it close to our hearts. We love to hurt, we love to cry inside, we love the feel of dieing. For it is slowly killing us inside. It hurts. It's pain. It's what makes us human. Let's us know we are alive. To love, is to make that pain stronger.

It is only an illusion when we wish to be rid of hurt and pain. We can't live without it. We can't function. We're lost because our familar[pain/hurt]is no longer a constant in our lives. We embrace it when at risk of losing it. We need it, like we need a drug. It is our addiction.

Let's all hug pain. Pain is our friend. Pain is the one we turn too when in need. Pain is our outlet for anger and our excuse for depression. Let us always hurt. If we die inside, we'll never feel anything again. Numbness. No existance. No pain. No love. No us. We do not exist.