Despair is a passion one must embrace to obtain.

Adventures in Wireland
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: Skillz by All For One


Okay, now I know there are two types of people in the world. Those that are electronicly inclind and those that wish they were. I'm a wisher.

Last night I managed to fix three broken VCRs. I opened them up with no knowlegde of what I am doing say for what I've tought myself through trial and error over the years. I ripped out their guts and put them back together as best I could and low and behold- they're working.

Sadly, I'm using a GoldStar telivision unit. This has one spot in the back for you to plug in a cable line or us a two prong cord, video-yellow and audio L- white. This tv is about 14 years old and mono. Now, I'm trying to hook up four VCRs ranging from two prong outlets to three prong outlets. None are really compadable with each other.

Then I have a six year old DVD Player and a 2004 DVD/VCR burner conbination, and A supper Nintendo. I have a single splitter that's about $5 and doesn't work and only has two inlets (three prong) and one outlet (three prong). Attempt connecting all of this to the tv that's incompatable. I'll be adding the computer once I can afford the cord for it.

My brother says it's time to buy a High Definition TV. I just can't aford one.

Birthdays and snow
Mood:  happy
We had our first snow. It only lasted for two days, thankfully. I'd hopped it would hold off until later in the year but at least it wasn't very cold and windy. Two days later, we had my brothers twenty-second birthday. He got a game computer, best on the market at the moment. It also has a dvd burner so he's going to let me use it eventually. I don't have money right now, so I'm going to get him something later in the year after I've managed to pay off my debts and all.

But I'm happy right now. I'm rping with a friend and it's twisting away from us. Perhapes in a way it shouldn't but it's so cute and cuddly and just wrong that you can't help but have fun. I'm waiting for something really sadistic and gory to happen. It tends to twist that way after a 'cuddly' scene. *rolls eyes and hystical insain laughter*

Wishes
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Bad boys- cops (full song)
Topic: Suicidal thoughts
I was hurting so badly inside the other day. It was sometime after midnight and I was laying on my bed, hugging the stuffed animal my best friend had given me and thinking how sad it was to be in my room. How sad it was to be me.

I lay there in tears, trying my best to be quite. If I woke anyone, I'd be in trouble and have to explain something I couldn't. I tried to put a feeling or emotion to what I felt but there was none. Instead, I put an image to the sensations.

I was in a small room painted in sky blue. That's my comfort color lately. Everything, the floor, the walls, the ceiling all of it was blue. I couldn't feel the floor beneath me. I was hovering above it weightless but unable to drift.

I curled up into myself hugging my knees to my chest and steering blankly at the walls with unshed tears in my eyes. I stayed in that room until I felt the thoughts in my head that screamed "I don't want to exist" fade down to a dull mummer and I calmed. Able to see the comfort (blue) around me but unable to touch it. Maybe that's what I hated the most. Nothing that I used to draw comfort from could comfort me, I was untouchable. Accepting this, I finally left the room. But I was assaulted again by my thoughts.

I felt like they(comfort things)where hallow, like the "Emptiness" from the neverending story were real and within my room. My very soul. Pushing such thoughts aside I became angry because no one and no thing was able to grant me the comfort I desperately needed even though I didn't understand why I needed it. All I really knew was I couldn't stop crying, like so many other nights. What reason have I to cry?

I lay there repeating "I don't exist. I don't want to exist." I resolved that it would be alright to not exist anymore.

Ironic my friend should call just then, in the middle of the night, for no other reason then she got the urge to talk.

Webpage Hopelessness
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Ghost Busters
Topic: Website Problems
Oi, okay I'm horrible when it comes to websites, namely my own. I get lots of ideas and start a page but then I don't know what to put on it or where to start once the home page is up. Then to make it worse, I'm never happy/satisfied with it. I always want to make it better but I have nothing to make it better with. I don't want to copy everyone elses work, nor do I want something basic but I can't do complex. They won't let me take an HTML class at school without taking two other classes first and that's just not fair. I know basic computer class stuff already and some html. Thank God the internet offers learning pages for free.

Anyway, I hate working with Angelfire and Tripod because of all the rules (lots a few sites for not following the linking rules) and the popups. Bad enough there has to be set adds on my page but to have 16 of them open everytime you visit an angelfire page is a little rediculus.

But I'm using them because the site host that I really loved ended up going down and I didn't have money (nor is my stuff good enough to make it worth the while) to pay for it. So I've done lots of pages at lots of places. These are not the eaisest pages to update, upload, or orginize. I do enjoy some of the backrounds and I love the picture options that let me resize my pics and all but I'd rather host elsewhere.

I made a blog. This is my thrid one I think. Lost the first on the first day, forgot the url and company I used. Couldnt' get the company I wanted cuz friends never come through for you when you need them and the other was a blog here but has been lost forever. Now the new one I made, this one, I just spent that last two days searching for it. I even had the URL but it wasn't showing up and in my file manager it wasn't appearing. Kept asking me to make a new one. Well, I've finally managed to find it and get into it and I swear, it's rather pointless.

People on line don't care what I have to say. I don't like taking the time to write it either but I figure, hey, I need something to kill some time and burn some frustration. So really, this is a good thing...sometimes. With luck, I'll not lose this one anytime soon.