Pointless circles
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: Mummer's dance by Loreena McKennitt
11/5/04 1:32am

There's so much pain. It lies inside everyone and everything. We hold it to us, keep it close to our hearts. We love to hurt, we love to cry inside, we love the feel of dieing. For it is slowly killing us inside. It hurts. It's pain. It's what makes us human. Let's us know we are alive. To love, is to make that pain stronger.

It is only an illusion when we wish to be rid of hurt and pain. We can't live without it. We can't function. We're lost because our familar[pain/hurt]is no longer a constant in our lives. We embrace it when at risk of losing it. We need it, like we need a drug. It is our addiction.

Let's all hug pain. Pain is our friend. Pain is the one we turn too when in need. Pain is our outlet for anger and our excuse for depression. Let us always hurt. If we die inside, we'll never feel anything again. Numbness. No existance. No pain. No love. No us. We do not exist.

Mood:  sad
Now Playing: The Remedy by Jason Mraz
Topic: Questions of Existence
Most of these are pointless and wont make since. Like I said before, they are just randum questions I've asked over the years. One day I might go through them, orginaze, and file, but until then I just add to the list. Feel free to add some if you want.
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1. Who am I?
2. What am I?
3. What am I afraid of?
4. Why am I afraid?
5. Where does this fear come from?
6. What is my deepest fear?
7. What makes it fear?
8. Am I happy?
9. What would make me happy?
10. What is love?
11. What is love to me?
12. What do I love?
13. Do I surpress my feelings?
14. Am I emotional?
15. Do I have a purpose?
16. What is that purpose?
17. Have I fullfilled that purpose?
18. Am I religous?
19. Do I have morals?
20. Do I have princaples?
21. What are they?
22. How strong are they?
23. Do I follow Gods will?
24. Do I know God?
25. Am I lissening to God?
26. Have I ever listened to God?
27. Do I love God?
28. Do I use God as a base point for problems?
29. How many problems?
30. Am I living in a fantasy?
31. Am I real?
32. If I'm cut, will it bleed?
33. Well it hurt?
34. Do I love myself?
35. Do I like myself?
36. Do I hate myself?
37. Do I displease myself?
38. Do I disapoint myself?
39. Am I a disapointment to other's?
40. Do I care what other's think?
41. Do I let myself be influenced?
42. It it a good or bad influence?
43. Do I want to hate myself?
44. Do I want to love myself?
45. Am I trying to get God's attention?
46. Can you see what is in peoples hearts?
47. Can I see what is in their eyes?
48. Could I ever?
49. Can I see my own eyes?
50. Can I see how others see me?
51. Am I a pesamist (negative)?
52. Do I have a physical problem?
53. Do I have a mental problem?
54. Am I evil?
55. Do I want to die?
56. Do I know how I'm to die?
57. Can I see the future?
58. Why don't I want to call a physic?
59. Am I scared of learning the truth?
60. Am I scared of not having an answer?
61. Why do I like horror films?
62. Why am I not scared by horror films?
63. Why do I laugh at blood, gore, death, and pain?
64. Why do I laugh when others are suffering?
65. Why do I like grave yards so much?
66. Why am I drawn to wicca?
67. Why do I want to read the satainic bible vs god's bible?
68. Why wont I comit to a relationship?
69. Why must I always need to know what my friends think of me?
70. Why don't I look into anyone's eyes anymore?
71. Why am I obsessed with eyes?
72. Why do I write about death and demon so much?
73. Why is the banchie so important to me?
74. Why can I not die?
75. Do I want to go to heaven?
76. Do I want to go to hell?
77. Do I beleive in either place?
78. Why can't I stop beleiving?
79. Am I strong willed?
80. Am I being tested?
81. Why won't God come talk to me?
82. Why won't Satin show himself dirrectly to me?
83. Why do I ask such questions?
84. Are the Angels protecting me?
85. Why do I feel so calm?
86. Why is music making me feel mellow?
87. Is music relaxing my soul?
88. Why am I getting headacks?
89. What is the unpleasent emotion I get when I'm mellowing?
90. Is it Jellousy, angry, death?
91. Do I have any goals?
92. Do I have any talents?
93. Do I apply myself at anything?
94. Do I care about anything?
95. Do I care about myself?
96. Would I cary if someone was killed infront of me?
97. Would I laugh if they were?
98. Am I possessed?
99. Have I ever been possessed?
100. Do I trust God?
101. Why did I almost jump off the cliff in South Dekoda?
102. What stopped me?
103. Why did I climb so close to the edge for?
104. Do I feel a battle within?
105. Am I preparing for one?
106. Is my mellowness a part of that war?
107. Why can't I kill myself?
108. Why do I want to cut my wrists so badly?
109. Do I want to drink blood?
110. Do I long for power?
111. Am I jellous of something?
112. What makes boys attracted to me?
113. Why do I hesitate to tell them no?
114. Why do I tell them no?
115. Why do I hate the color brown?
116. Why do I dislike large bodies of water?
117. Why won't I eat fish?
118. Why do I like SailorMoon so much?
119. Why am I obbsessed with Yugioh?
120. Why do I care about Ryo so much?
121. What's with me and cartoons?
122. Why can't I look in Chris' eyes?
123. Have I looked in any man's eyes after they said they liked me?
124. What do I see in Shawn's eyes?
125. Why was I so self-cousious in highschool?
126. Why was I afraid to cry?
127. Why was I afraid to fight?
128. Why did I dream about dieing all summer?
129. Do I have any friends?
130. If I call, will Jesus protect me?
131. If I die, will I have a legusy?
132. If I jump, will I fly?
133. Why do I put up so many walls?
134. Who am I really?
135. Why do I see a child?
136. Why can I sence love in the furture?
137. Why can't people leave me alone when I say no?
138. Why am I so closed up?
139. Why can't I grow up?
140. Why won't I kiss?
141. What's so specail about a first kiss?
142. What reason have I to kill myself?
143. What must I do to kill myself?
144. Why are my prayers so hallow and empty?
145. Why must I lie to everyone, including myself?
146. Why is roleplaying so important to me?
147. When is God coming?
148. When will I complete my goals for God?
149. How do I start?
150. If I died, who would cry?
151. Who am I hidding from?
152. Am I weak?
153. What makes me weak?
154. Am I brave?
155. In what way am I brave?
156. Would I take a bulet to save a friends life?
157. Would I take a bulet to save a stranger?
158. Would that bulet be for me or to save my friend?
159. What is my modivation?
160. Am I trying to get God's attention?
161. Do I really want his attention?
162. Do I need to be the center of attention?
163. Who is God to me?
164. What is God to me?
165. Do I believe in God?
166. What happens to my soul if there is no God?
167. Do I care what happens?
168. Do I trust God?
169. Why am I having bad dreams?
170. Why can't I remember the dreams clearly?
171. Why am I dreaming about cartoons in a real life event?
172. Why do I keep dreaming about a car?
173. Why was April and BJ Looking for me?
174. Why was I upset about my rocks disapearing?
175. Am I going blind?
176. If I miss the rapture, will there be another chance?
177. Am I angry at God?
178. Am I angry at Jesus?
179. Why do I want to see a demon?
180. Is something going to die soon?
181. Are my bad dreams- 2fish, theodor (dog) getting poissioned- a bad omen?
182. Do I care about school?
183. Why do I get a thrill when cartoons and book caracters get hurt?
184. Will I ever make something of my life?
185. Why do I call myself zorra?
186. Do I give up to easily?
187. Do I long for an end to this jumping back and forth and confusion?
188. Why did I close my heart off?
189. Why did I dare to open it back up after so long?
190. Am I happy when I get hurt?
191. Do I want others to hurt me?
192. Can I survive without being hurt?
193. Are my friends trustworthy?
194. Do I care about my friends?
195. Can I be honest with my friends about my personal feelings?
196. Is it only my pain I bear or that of others?
197. Why do I want to live?
198. Why do I cry myself to sleep?
199. Why is there no comfort in anything I touch?
200. Why do I fail at everything I do?

Questions of Existance
Mood:  sad
Topic: Questions of Existence
One day I picked up a pen and started to write down randum questions that came to mind. Questions, that at the time, I wanted the answers to. Questions that I thought would help me to find myself. Instead, I ended up finding more questions and few answers. I kept doing this for a few weeks until I lost my notebook. I've tried to start it back up many times since but never could. Well, years later, I've found my notebook and while this is something I wouldn't normal share with others or post online, I've decided that maybe someone might have the same questions and maybe offer new ones. I'm not searching for the answers so much as I am for questions. Because I've learned on my journy to find myself, that answers change as we grow and mature.