Jokes
Table of Contents
Click on tittle to go to joke.
- 123
- Black Board
- For a Song
- Genie at the Beach
- Two Little Boys
- Spring is Here
- Monica's Wish
- Ghandi
- Why Men Stand When They Pee
- Elmo
- A Cowboy's Wish
- Appointment
- Making Faces
- Captain's Parrot
- Collection
- A Night Off
- If The Van Is A Rockin
- Head Games
- A Pirate Story
- Drugstore
After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to
perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things
- but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "this is all in your
mind", and refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as
to how you could possible be cured." Finally, the psychiatrist refers him
to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor tells him, "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a
flame. There is a flash with billowing blue smoke.. The witch doctor says
"This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you
have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The
guy then asks the witchdoctor "What happens when it's over?" The witch
doctor says "all you have to do is say '1234' and it will go down. But be
warned, it will not work again for another year!"
The guy goes home, and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with
the good news.. So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123" and
suddenly he gets an erection. His wife turns over and says, "What did you
say 123 for?"
One day when the teacher walked to the black board,
she noticed someone handwritten the word 'penis'
in
tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned
the
class looking for the guilty face.
Finding none, she quickly erased it,and began
her
class.The next day she went into the room, and
she
saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again
on the
black board.
Again, she looked around in vain for the
culprit,
but found none, so she proceeded with the day's
lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into
the
classroom and found the same word written on the
board,
each day's word, larger than the previous day's
word.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be
greeted
by the same word on the board, but instead,
found the
words,
"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, after the
worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were
expecting for the repairs to the church building.
He was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had
been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think
of something to play after I make the announement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are
in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we
need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.
At that moment, the substitute organist played The National Anthem.
And that, is how the substitute became the regular organist.
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old
lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the
fourth
time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget
about three. You
only get one wish!"
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to
Hawaii
but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick.
Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How
would the
supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how
much
steel!! No-think of another wish."
The man said "OK," and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he
said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't
care and
that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could
understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking
when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know
what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them
truly happy...."
The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
These two little boys are sitting in the living room, watching tv with their
parents.
The mother looks over at the father with a wink and a nod toward upstairs. The
father "gets the message", and they both getup and head towards the stairs. The
other turns back to the two boys and says, "we're going upstairs for a
minute.You two stay here and watch t.v. We'll be right back, ok? "The two boys
nod ok, and the parents take off upstairs.
The oldest of the 2 boys is old enough to know what's going on now, and he gets
up and tiptoes upstairs. At the top of the stairs, he peeks into his mom and
dad's bedroom and shakes his head.Back downstairs he goes back to his little
brother. "Come with me", he says. And the two little boys tiptoe up the
stairs. Halfway up, the older brother says to the younger brother "now I want
you to keep in mind, this is the SAME WOMAN WHO USED TO BUST OUR ASS FOR SUCKING
OUR THUMB!"
There was this guy sunbathing in the nude at the beach. Well, this little
girl
comes up to him, so he covers his private parts with a newspaper. The
little
girl says, "What's under there?" So the man answers, "A bird."
The girl goes away and the man falls asleep. When he wakes up, he is in a
hospital and in great pain. A doctor comes up to his bed and asks, "What
happened?" The man answers, "I don't know. I was at the beach and I fell
asleep
after talking to a little girl." So the doctor tells this to the Police,
and
they go to the beach to find any witnesses. When they get there, they see
the
little girl the man was talking about. So they ask her if she did anything
to
the man.
She answers, "I didn't do anything to the man, but while he was sleeping,
I
played with his ugly bird. After a while, it spit at me, so I broke its
neck,
burned its nest, and smashed all its eggs!!"
Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a
lantern
washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out
popped a
genie.
"Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!", she exclaimed.
"No",
said
the genie, "You have been very bad this year, and because of
this, I
can
only give you one wish." "Lets see," says Monica, "I don't
need
fame,
because I have plenty of that due to all of the media
coverage. And
I
don't need money, because after I write my book, and do all
my
interviews, I'll have all the money I could ever want." "I
would
like
to get rid of these love handles, though. Yes, that's it,
for my one
wish, I would like my love handles removed." Poof, and just
like
that,
her ears were gone.
Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became
quite thick and hard. Even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did
not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was quite a
spiritual person. Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very
bad breath.
He became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with
halitosis.
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two
extra
things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them
between
Adam
and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give
away
was
the ability to stand up while urinating.
"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, whom he found under
an
apple
tree.
"I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability".
Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to, please
oh
please, oh please, let me have the ability, It'd be so great! When
I'm
working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there
and let
it fly. It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the snow! Oh
please
God,
let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh
please..."
On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just
smiled
and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should
have
it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and
really
wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability.
And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his
micturition
while in a vertical position. Adam was so happy that he celebrated by
wetting
down the bark on the tree nearest to him, while laughing with delight
all the
while. It was so good.
"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts,
"What's
left
here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."
One day a lady starts a new job. She works on the manufacturing lines
of the Tickle Me Elmo dolls. It's her job to take the Tickle Me Elmo's
off the line and place them in the boxes.
It's her first day and the shift starting bell rings, WOO WOO! Before
you know it, there is a towering pile of Tickle Me Elmo's building up on
the line. Apparently, the woman can't keep up with production.
The supervisor sees what's happening and rushes down to Speak with the
woman. When he approaches her, he sees that she is very carefully and
meticulously sewing two little red balls between every Elmo's legs!
The supervisor starts shaking his head, grinning. He says to the woman,
"No, no, no. When I hired you yesterday I told you that your job was to
take the Elmo's off the line and place them in the box. But before you
do, give them "Two Test Tickles!"
It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked
trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse
went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the
spring sunshine.
The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.
"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot. I'm an enchanted
rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you
want."
The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the
snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like
Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and
finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding."
The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house
you'll have all three wishes."
The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the
bunk house.
He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror. Staring back at him
in the
mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed
bulging,
rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger's. Really excited now, he tore
down his
jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted...
"My God, I was riding the mare!"
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently
taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a
gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay
fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to
sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his
wife on the shoulder again and says "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms.
Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly the teacher said, "When I was a child, I was told if I made
ugly faces I would stay like that."
The student looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't
warned."
A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week, so he would do
the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week
and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once the parrot figured out a trick, he would shout the secret in middle of the magician's act:
"It's not the same hat!"
"He's hiding the flowers under the table!"
"All the cards are the same! CAW!"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then, one day, the ship
had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea. As fate would
have it, the only other survivor was that stinking parrot, and they shared the piece of wood in angry silence. They
stared at each other with hatred but neither uttered a word. This went on for days until, on the third day, the
parrot could not hold back:
"OK, I give up! Where's the boat?"
A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the
collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that
perhaps he
might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more. "And
just
how would I go about doing that?" he asked.
"It is very simple. First you turn up the air conditioner so that
the
auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone.
Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc
above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection
plate."
The very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and
behold
the plates were full of 20 dollar bills. Now, the preacher did not
want
to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. So
therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass
hypnosis again. Just as the last of the congregation was becoming
mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the
lectern
with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere. "Crap!"
exclaimed the pastor.
It took them a week to clean up the church.
A rich couple was going out for the evening. The lady of the house
decided
to give the butler, Throckmorton, the night off. She said they would be
home
very late and he should just enjoy his evening.
As it turned out, the wife didn't have a good time at the party, so she
came
home early. She walked into the house and eyed Throckmorton sitting
alone
in
the dining room. She called for him to follow her.
She led him to the master bedroom. She closed and locked the door. She
looked
at him and smiled.
"Throckmorton, take off my dress." He did so, carefully.
"Throckmorton, take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed
her.
"Throckmorton, remove my bra and panties." The tension mounted as he
complied.
Finally she looked at him and said, "Throckmorton, If I ever catch you
wearing my clothes again, you're fired.
A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van -- you know, shag
carpets, big double bed in the back, all of that -- and suddenly the girl,
being a bit on the kinky side, yells out, "Oh lover, whip me! Please whip
me!"
Well, the guy, not wanting to pass up an opportunity like that, but unsure
what to do as he has no whips around, gets an inspired flash, opens one
window, snaps the antenna off his van, and proceeds to whip the girl until
they both collapse in sadomasochistic ecstasy.
Almost a week later the girl notices that the welts she sustained are
beginning to fester a bit and goes to her doctor. The doctor takes one look
at the wounds and exclaims, "Wow! Looks like you've got a bad case of
'Van-aerial' disease!"
The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional
extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the
student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.
"Elation," said she.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "How about the opposite
of woe?"
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."
An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take
turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate`s peg-
leg, hook, and eye patch the seaman asks,
"So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies, "We was caught in a monster storm off the
cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were
pullin` me out a school of sharks appeared and one of `em bit
me leg off".
"Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?
"Ahhhh...," mused the pirate, "we were boardin` a trader ship,
pistols blastin` and swords swingin` this way and that. In the
fracas me hand got chopped off."
"Zounds!", remarked the seaman. "And how came ye by the
eye patch?"
"A seagull droppin` fell into me eye," answered the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked
incredulously.
"Well..." said the pirate, ".. it was me first day with the hook.."
A woman goes into a pharmacy, and walks down the aisle. Halfway down the aisle,
she calls to the cashier,"Excuse me, do you have any batteries?"
Unable to hear, the man signals the woman with his finger to come closer. He
says, "Could you just come this way?"
The woman laughs and tells the man, "If I could cum that way I wouldn't need
batteries."
