CHUCKLES
From Todayıs Cartoon by Randy Glasbergen posted with special permission For reprint information and many more cartoons please visit Randy's site @www.glasbergen.com or e-mail: randy@glasbergen.com
Table of Contents
Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action
adventure about famous classical composers. Bruce Willis,
Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in
the room. "Who do you want to play?" Spielberg asked
Bruce Willis. "I've always been a big fan of Chopin,"
said Bruce. "I'll play him." "And you, Sylvester?" asked
Spielberg. "Mozart's the one for me!" said Sly. "And what
about you?" Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger. "I'll be Bach," said Arnie
A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything that you want." The Russian begins thinking, "Well I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka." The Genie grants him his wish.
When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka that he has ever tasted. The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly." She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, that it is vodka. Natasha is
reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka that she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.
The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two
glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.
Finally, Friday night comes and the Russian tells his wife to grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka. She gets the glass but asks him "Boris, why do we only need one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle."
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every
year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."
And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride
costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha,
I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get
another chance." Martha replied, "Stumpy that there airplane ride
costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll
take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride
and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's
ten dollars."
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of
twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does
all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I
could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Stumpy replied,
"Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars
is ten dollars."
A guy meets a gorgeous woman at a bar. After an evening of
drinking, they both go back to her place. Within minutes of
arriving, they are on the bed. He removes her blouse and
skirt. Then, he pulls off his pants and shirt. He gets on
top, and begins to make love to her. After a while, he notices
that with each stroke he takes, her toes curl up.
"Wow," he thinks, "I am GOOD!" and intensifies his thrusting.
At this point, she stops him.
"What's wrong?" he asks, "I thought you were enjoying this?"
"I'd enjoy it more," she says, "if you took off my pantyhose.
One day Superman was feeling a bit horny. So, he began to ask his
super hero friends for ideas on where he could get a bit of action.
"Hey Batman! Who's good in the sack?"
"Well Superman, everyone knows that Wonderwoman is the best sex in
comic land. Why don't you try her?", replied Batman.
"I'd love to, but Wonderwoman and I are friends. So I don't really
want to take advantage of her." "Damn shame," said Batman as he
waved good-bye to Superman and drove off.
Ten minutes later Superman was flying low over a city when he saw
the Green Lantern patching up a building. He flew down. "Hey Hal,
I'm looking for a little action. You're a swinging bachelor, who's the
best babe in comic land?"
"Hey, Superman! Everyone knows that Wonderwoman is far and away the
best lay in comic land, why don't you try her?"
"Well, we're sort of friends," Superman said, "but I didn't realize
she had gotten around so much" and he flew off in frustration.
Twenty minutes later he was flying over a field when he saw
Wonderwoman lying naked, in the middle of the field, with her legs
apart and up in the air.
Superman was tempted. "Goddamn it!" he thought to himself, "I'm
faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of there before
she even knows I'm here." So with a blur and a sonic boom he was down,
in and gone.
Wonderwoman stared up into the sky with a dazed expression. "What
the hell was that??!!" she exclaimed.
"I don't know," said the Invisible Man as he rolled off, "But my
ass is killing me.
A Kentucky farmer of advanced years took a lovely young bride. At first the
marriage was very passionate and the couple made love frequently. One day the
wife suddenly became disinterested in sex. The old farmer shrugged it off as
moodiness but after a few weeks of nearly no sex, he began to worry.
After another few months had passed, the farmer started suspecting foul play,
that maybe his wife was fooling around. So one day he left the tractor
running out in the field and crept back to the house where he caught his wife
and her young lover in the act.
While his wife and the young guy were scrambling for their clothes, the
farmer fetched his shotgun and burst into the room. The understandably
hysterical young man pleaded for his life. The farmer lowered the barrel and
pointed toward the barn.
The farmer led the man at gunpoint out to the barn where he proceded to
secure the man's "unit" in a bench vise. The farmer then welded the vise
screw so it could not be loosened. The farmer pulled out a gleaming sharp
bowie knife.
The man was screaming now and begging the farmer not to cut of his manhood.
The farmer just smiled and handed the man the knife while he said "Oh, I'm
not gonna cut it off. I'm gonna set the barn on fire."
One Saturday morning, the rabbi noticed little David was staring up at
the large
plaque that hung in the foyer of the synagogue. It was covered with
names, and
small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the
rabbi
walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning David."
"Good morning rabbi," replied the young man, still focused on the
plaque.
"Rabbi, what is this?" Alex asked.
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in
the
service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little
David's voice
was barely audible when he asked, "Which one, the Friday night or the
Saturday
service?
One day a five year old little girl excitedly approached her mother, and
announced that she had learned where babies come from. The mother was
amused
and said "Oh really sweetie, why don't you tell me all about it?"
The little girl then explained, "Well...the mommy and daddy take off all of
their clothes, and the daddy's wiener stands way up high, and the mommy
kneels on the floor and puts the daddy's wiener in her mouth, and then the
daddy's wiener sort of explodes and makes sticky juice into the mommy's
mouth, and then the mommy swallows the sticky juice, and that's where
babies
come from."
The mother looked lovingly at her daughter, leaned over to meet her eye to
eye and said, "Oh honey, that's sweet, but that's not where babies come
from. ...That's where jewelry comes from."
Last time the circus came to town, an ad for an animal
trainer was placed in the local paper.
Only two applicants showed up: a male and a female.
The owner said he could only afford one animal trainer,
so he would choose the one with the best act.
At first glance it appeared that the female was much
better prepared, since she came to the interview in a
very long flowing cape, with a whip & chair. She looked
more like a model than a trainer.
The man's only distinguishing feature was a soggy cigar
stuffed between his cracked and leathery lips.
The owner asked who would like to go first, and the man
said, "Ladies before Gentleman."
So the lady asked for her special music to be played,
and once the music started she entered the cage with a
flurry of whip snapping. She motioned the attendant to
release the tiger.
The tiger leaped into the cage snarling. The young lady
threw aside her whip, tossed back her cape and sat on
the chair as naked as the day she was born.
The tiger then circled her, sniffing the air,... then
suddenly leaped toward her, put its face between her
legs and started licking. She threw back her head
moaning, holding the tiger by the ears with her thighs.
She rode on the tiger's face all around the cage.
Then the owner looked at the man and said, "That's
quite an act,... Think you can do better than that?"
The man spit out his cigar, licked his lips and said,
"No problem, just get that tiger out of the cage!
Fred mistakenly gets on a bus full of war veterans, but upon
discovering it is going his way, decides to stay on for the
ride.
He sits down next to a guy that jerks his head to the left
every few seconds, over and over. This really starts to get
on Fred's nerves so he asks him, "What the heck is wrong with
you?"
The reply is, "I got this in the war." Fred finds this pretty
annoying so he switches seats.
The next guy he sits by has uncontrollable spastic twitches in
his right leg, causing him to kick the seat in front of him,
and even kicks Fred a few times. So Fred asks him, "What the
heck is wrong with you?"
Again the answer is, "I got this in the war."
Fred moves. The next guy poor Fred sits by begins erratically
flailing his left hand. Fred says, "Let me guess, you got that
in the war."
His reply was, "No, I got it out of my nose. I can't get it off
of my goddamn finger."
An Australian travel writer touring Canada was checking out of the
Spokane Hilton, and as he paid his bill said to the manager, asked, "By
the way, what's with the Indian chief sitting in the lobby? He's been
there ever since I arrived."
"Oh that's 'Big Chief Forget-me Not'," said the manager."The hotel is
built on an Indian reservation, and part of the agreement is to allow
the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life. He is
known as 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' because of his phenomenal memory. He
is 92 and can remember the slightest detail of his life."
The travel writer took this in, and as he was waiting for his cab
decided to put the chief's memory to the test.
"'ello, mate!" said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return.
"What did you have for breakfast on your 21st birthday?"
"Eggs," was the chief's instant reply, without even looking up, and
indeed the Aussie was impressed.
He went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the east
coast and back, telling others of Big Chief Forget- me Not's great
memory. (One local noted to him that 'How' was a more appropriate
greeting for an Indian chief than ''ello mate.') On his return to the
Spokane Hilton six months later was surprised to see 'Big Chief
Forget-me Not' still sitting in the lobby, fully occupied with whittling
away on a stick.
"How?" said the Aussie.
"Scrambled," said the Chief.
What did the psychiatrist say to the man who walked into his office all
wrapped up in cellophane?
I can clearly see your nuts.
Charlie's an embalmer, and one day he says to his boss, "There's a problem with Mrs.
Whittaker."
The boss says, "What's that?"
Charlie says, "I was getting her cleaned up when I noticed a jumbo shrimp sticking out of
her pussy."
The boss says, "That's impossible. Show me."
They go to the table where she's lying, Charlie flips back the sheet, points, and says, "
See? There's a jumbo shrimp sticking out of her pussy."
The boss takes a closer look and says, "You jerk, that's not a piece of shrimp. That's her
clit."
Charlie says, "Her clit? Well, it sure tasted like shrimp."
A sales company has particular trouble selling Bibles in their
location. They are always looking for someone to break through to
their market and make a real difference. One day, a man comes in with a
job application and says, "I-I-I-I'd l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-t-t-t-to
b-b-b-b-b-be a B-B-B-Bible salesman, s-s-s-sir." Initially, he doesn't
want to give the job to this man, but his conscience got the better of
him. He decided to try him out. After three weeks, the manager is
looking at the sales figures and realizes that the new guy is selling
the most copies. Amazed, he calls him in to his office. "You've only
worked here for three weeks and you've already sold more copies than
anyone else here! How do you do it?" "W-w-w-w-w-well, l g-g-g-go up
t-t-t-t-to th-the d-d-d-door and-d- d l-l--l s-s-s-say, w-w-w-w-would
y-y-y-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-b-buy a c-c-copy o-o-of
th-th-th-the B-B-B-Bible, or w-w-w- w-w-would y-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-like
m-m-me t-t-t-to r-r-r-r-read it t-t-t- t-t-to y-y-y-you?
There was a crowd of bees flying around one day. These bees were most
peculiar. They were powered by gasoline, rather than the allergenic
goodies that bees usually eat. As the crowd flew along, periodically a
bee or two would start to sputter; it would fly down to a gas station,
drink up the gas spilled in fueling a car, and then fly up and rejoin
the crowd.
One bee began to sputter a little, but flew right by an open gas
station. As he passed the second station, he coughing badly, but still
he flew on. Finally, as he was on his last fumes, he dove down to a
station and gassed up.
When he rejoined the crowd, his neighbor challenged him: "Look, you
passed right by an open station when you started to get low. You
passed another station when you were perilously low. And finally, you
ran out of gas just in time to glide into that last station. Are you
crazy?"
He replied, "Well, it's like this. The first station was a Gulf
station. I really don't like Gulf at all. The second station was a
Texaco station. That's even worse. But the third station was an Esso
station. Let me tell you, Esso is my brand of gasoline. You know what
they say don't you? ...There's an Esso Bee in every crowd!"
One day two carrots were walking down the street. They were the
best of friends. Just as they started to step off the curb a car
came speeding around the corner and ran one of them over. The
unhurt carrot cradled his buddy, telling him over and over again
that he would be OK. Finally the ambulance arrived and rushed the
injured carrot off to the hospital. His friend rode with him.
Once at the hospital the uninjured carrot paced back and forth in
the emergency room waiting to hear how his pal was going to be.
After many minutes of agonized waiting the doctor came out. He
walked over to the distraught carrot and said "I have good news and
I have bad news. The good news is that your friend is going to be
alright. The bad news is that he is going to be a vegetable all his
life".
>
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight
from
LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to
playa fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely
declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot
of
fun. He explains: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the
answer,
you pay me $5, and visa-versa."
Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the
answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you
$50"
figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no
end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth
to
the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a
five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill
with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.
He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.
He taps into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection to
his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress.
Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and
suppliers that he knows. And then some. All to no avail. After over an
hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes
the
$50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks,
"Well, so what IS the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5,
and goes back to sleep.
A blonde's car breaks down on the interstate one day, so she eases it
over onto the shoulder. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the
trunk. Out jump two men in trench coats, who walk to the rear of the
vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their
coats and exposing themselves to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly,
one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs.
It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly
enraged, runs toward the driver of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What
the heck is going on here?"
"My car broke down," explains the blonde.
"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?" screams the cop.
"Those are my emergency flashers!" replied the blonde.
A man went to his mate's fancy dress party with nothing but a naked girl
on his back.
"So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the host asked.
"I'm a snail," the man replied.
"What a load of crap!" the host spat. "How can you be a snail when all
you've got is that naked girl on your back?"
"That's not a naked girl, mate," the bloke replied, "that's Michelle."
This guy goes to a whorehouse and says to the Madam, "I want
to get screwed."
The Madam tells him to go up to room #12 and knock on the
door. The guy walks up to the door, knocks on it, and says,
"I really want to get screwed, bad!"
A very sexy voice replies "Just slide $20 under the door."
So the man slides the $20 under the door and waits...
Nothing Happens! He knocks on the door again, and yells out
"I want to get screwed!"
The sexy voice behind the door answers, "Again?"
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