GUFFAWS
Table Of Contents Click on tittle to go to joke
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods on her way to
grandma's house, when a big bad wolf jumped out at her.
Wolf: How nice you look today!Red: Why, thank you!
Wolf: You look good enough to eat!Red: Are you going to eat me whole?
Wolf: No, I'm going to spit that part out!
A farmer walked into a drug store and said to the Pharmacist, "I want me
one of them thar condoms with pesticides on it. Where do I find 'em?"
The pharmacist replied, "Oh sir, you must mean that you want the condoms
with SPERMICIDE, not pesticide. They're on aisle 4."
"No, no, I want me them thar condoms with PESTICIDE on it," growled the
farmer.
"Sir," said the pharmacist, exasperated from explaining, "PESTICIDE is
for killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm. I'm sure that you
mean spermicide instead of pesticide."
"Listen here, " argued the farmer, "I want condoms with PESTICIDE on it,
my wife's got a bug up her ass, and I aim to kill it."
The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a race,
went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only
to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face.
"What's the matter?!? Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked.
"It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble,"
said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled,
'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and murmured,
'what a smooth finish.'""What's wrong with that?" asked the driver.
"Nothing, but then you felt my pussy and yelled,
who the hell left the garage door open?"
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed one evening,
and he asks, "Honey, do you want to have sex tonight?""No," she replies.
"Is that your final answer?""Yes, that's my final answer!" she insists.
The husband thinks carefully for a moment, then asks,"May I phone a friend?"
A gal enrolled in nursing school is attending an
anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary
muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the
students a bit, asks her if she knows what her asshole
does when she has an orgasm.
"Sure." she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids."
Along time ago there was this little Italian boy in the fields with his dad.
Looking at his dad's hands, the boy say's "papa, you do many many things
with your hands, tell me about your fingers."
"Well Tony," Papa said, "You see this first finger?
You usea thisa one to pointata what evea
you wanta. You see youa thumb? You usea thisa
for turna pages in a book, and your ringa finger,
you will use whena you get a married, and your little finga, you use
to picka you nose. And the middle finga, well, I'lla tella you about
thata one when you getta married."
Well, Tony was satisfied with that and time past. It was now Tony's
wedding day. It was a beautiful wedding, just before the bride and
groom left, Tony went to have a talk with Papa. Tony said "Papa, many
a year I use this finger to point at what I want, and I turna many a
pages with my thumb, I've picked my nose with this little one, now I
have a beautiful ring on my finger from the love of my life, but Papa,
what is it I do with this middle finger?"
Papa drew close to Tony and said "Tony tonight you will make mad hot
love to your woman many times and you may become tired, when that
happens and your woman turns to you again wanting to makea the love
againa, that's when you takea your middle finga and you poka on her
head and say, 'Go back to sleep you silly woman!' "
A bear walked into a bar and sat down. He banged on the bar with his
paw and demanded a beer.
The bartender approached and said, "We don't serve beer to bears in
bars in Billings, Montana."The bear, becoming angry, once again demanded a beer.
The bartender again told him, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars
in Billings, Montana."
The bear, very angry now, said, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm
going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender once again said, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears
in bars in Billings Montana."
The bear went to the end of the bar and, as he had promised, ate the
woman. He came back to his seat, and again demanded a beer.
The bartender said, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in
Billings, Montana, that are on drugs."The bear said, " I'm not on drugs."
The bartender said, "Yes you are. That was a bar bitch you ate."
A lady is working hard in her office when a co-worker tells
her that her hair smells good. Immediately, she goes to her
boss and tells him that she has been sexually harassed."How?" asks the boss.
"He said my hair smells good," replied the lady.
"Wouldn't you take that as a compliment?""Normally I would, but he's a midget."
A bus stops and two Italians get on. They seat themselves, and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady siting behind them ignores their conversation at
first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men saying the
following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come a again.
Two asses, they come again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come a
once-a-more".
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner
with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to
her
boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and have sex for
the
first
time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before. So he takes
a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the
boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know
about
condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms
he'd like to buy: a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on
the
family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his
first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents' house and meets his
girlfriend at the door.
A sixteen year old virgin girl goes to visit her priest.
Being embarrassed, she requests to meet him after hours
in his office. Late that afternoon, she goes to his
office for guidance and confession.
Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorioustecho-geek.
A couple and have been dating for quite some time. He really wanted her
- bad, but she won't sleep with him because she was saving herself for
marriage. As they were kissing, and doing their thing, he was getting
hot, and he said, "Oh come on, just a feel."
She said, "No, I'm saving myself for marriage."
They went back and forth. He said, "Just one feel, I promise, that's
all, just one feel."
She finally agreed, "Okay, just one feel, but
that's all, just one, I'm saving myself for marriage."
So he put his hand down her panties and copped a
little feel. Things are getting a lot warmer and he asked, "Can't we
please?"
Naturally she said, "NO, I'm saving myself for
marriage." He begged, "Please, please?" and she said, "No,
absolutely not, I'm
saving myself for marriage."
He tried, "How about if I agree to only just put
the tip in?" She said, "No way, I'm saving myself for marriage."
He begged and pleaded with her, "I promise, just
the tip, no more, and we'll stop after that." She finally gave in,
"Okay, but just the tip, no more, and that's all." (Is this starting to
sound familiar to anyone?)
He agreed, pulled down her panties and put the
tip in... by now he just couldn't control himself, shoved the whole
thing in and started going to town.
Meanwhile, she was moaning and groaning and
shouted, "OKAY, GO AHEAD, PUT IT IN ALL THE WAY!"
A little stunned, he said, "NO, absolutely not,
a deals a deal.
Monica Lewinsky walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy,
"I've got another dress for you to clean."
Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?"
"No," she says "Mustard....."
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a
five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks
him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of
golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one
of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and
lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball...
stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made mymistake."
"What did you do?", asks the doctor.
Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife,"Hey, this looks like yours!"
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly
Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our
computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you
can't go back as humans. What'll it be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle,soaring above
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of
this week 'count', St. Peter?"
"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep
track of what you're doing. The week's a freebie." "In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to
recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?"he asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over
the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more
difficult.""Why?" asked the Lord.
St. Peter answered, "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a
pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom
together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She bundled him
in the closet stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom
discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the manreplied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."
A gay man goes into the doctor's for an exam. The doctor does
some tests and asks his patient to remove his jeans & underwear.
Doc then grabs the right testicle of his patient & asks him to
say,"77." The gay man happily says, "77." Doc then repeats this
procedure with the left testicle. The gay man again says, "77".
For the final part of the exam, the doctor asks for the patient
to bend over the table as he is putting on his rubber glove. As
soon as the doc gets a couple of fingers into the guy's ass, he
asks him to say,"77." The gay man slowly starts, "1, 2, 3, 4..."
This guy and this girl have been married for about 25 years and there sex just wasent happening anymore. One day this girl decided to take a trip down town and as she was walking she came across a lingerie shop.
So she walked in there a noticed that there were crotchless panties on for sale. She thought to herself " maybe these will spice it up a bit" So she bought a pair and went home. She decided to sit on the couch with nothing but these crotchless panties on and wait for her husband.
She heard the jingling of keys in the door so she spread her legs. Her husband walked in and saw her. She asks him how his day was.
He said "fine" She asks him " so do you want some of this" He replies: "Not if that what it does to your panties."
On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a
severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse
when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the
front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails.
Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on
Earth
to be
memorable! I've had plenty of relationships in my life, but no one
has
ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there
ANYONE
on
this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own
peril,
and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in
the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel
like
a
woman," he says.
He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black
eyes,
he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one
button
at
a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation,
as
the strange man approaches.
He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches
her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and
whispers:
"Iron this."
"You foul-mouthed Italian swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country
we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. I'ma just tella my friend howa to spella
Mississippi! 
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents.
Come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's
parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his
head.
A minute passes and the boy is still in deep prayer with his head down.
Several minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after
20
minutes
with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the
boyfriend,
"I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns and whispers back,
"I had no idea your father was a
pharmacist."
"Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday."
"Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch?" the priest asked.
"Because, father, he touched me on my arm without permission"
"Do you mean like this?" He askes, touching her arm.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father he also touched my breasts."
"You mean like this?" He asks as he touches her breasts.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father, he took off my clothes."
He takes off her clothes and says "Like this?"
"Yes father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father he then put his you-know-what in my you-know-where."
"Like this?" Putting his you-know-what in her you-know-where.
"Yes father," she says sometime later.
"But that's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father, he has HERPES!
"THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!"
"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"
"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!
"No way, how could that be?"
"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you
squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she
types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"
"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"
"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"
So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a
while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh!
Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"
The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"
