GIGGLES
From Todayıs Cartoon by Randy Glasbergen posted with special permission For reprint information and many more cartoons please visit Randy's site @www.glasbergen.com or e-mail: randy@glasbergen.com
Table Of Contents
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she
puts
her nine-year-old son in the closet.
One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the
closet, as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Yes it is," the man replied.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist
continues.
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is
in.
"$25," the little boy replies.
"$25?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his
hidden
position.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears
a
car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her
little boy.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his
disadvantage.
"$50," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your
ball
and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the
profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"$75," the little boy says.
"$75?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You
must
confess your sin and ask for forgiveness", the father explains as he
hauls
the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the
curtain,
sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Don't you start that shit in here," the priest says.
The nuns at the local convent had their daily announcement
session. The Mother Superior walked out in front of the 100
nuns with a very serious frown on her face. She began to
speak...
There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a
hole outside of a farm house out in the country.
The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell
sausage."
The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said "Mmmmm, I
smell pancakes."
The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't
because of the two bigger moles.
The baby mole said, "The only thing I can smell is molasses."
A German industrialist, while in Japan for some business meetings and a
few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected.
Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful
young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening.
Although the Japanese girl spoke very little German and the businessman
spoke no Japanese,
their passion roared.
In the heat of the moment she began yelling: "Gama Su! Gama Su!"
Hearing this, the German industrialist knew that her exclamations of
happiness meant
that he had truly satisfied her and soon afterwards he went to sleep.
The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues,
one of his Japanese colleagues made a hole in one from 170 yards away!
Everyone was ecstatic and began yelling excitedly in Japanese.
Wanting to impress his friends, the German yelled "Gama Su! Gama Su!"
The others suddenly become silent and stared at him.
One of the Japanese businessmen turned to him and frowned:
"What do you mean 'wrong hole?'"
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic
tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter
was inquiring as to the secret of their long andhappy marriage. "Well, it
dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man.
"We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the
canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My
wife quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little further and the mule
stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That twice.' We hadn't
gone a half- mile when the mule stumbled the third time.
My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead. I
started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and
quietly said 'That's once.'"
A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.
He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she
knew what hole he was playing.She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole,and you're a
hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."He thanked her and went back
to his golf. On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached
the lady again with the same request.She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a
hole behind me,so you must be on the 13th."Once again he thanked her. He
finished his round and went into the clubhouse and saw the lady sitting
atthe end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to
show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and asked her
what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in
sales also. He asked what she sold.She replied, "If I told you, you would
only laugh.""No, I wouldn't," he said. She said, "I sell tampons."With that
he fell on the floor laughing so hard. She
said, "See, I knew you would laugh.""That's not what I'm laughing at," he
replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind.
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar
having
a drink when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says,
"Whoever
can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me." So the Doberman says,
"I
love liver and cheese." The Collie says, "That's not good enough." The
Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative."
Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone......cheese mine."
A brunette, redhead and blonde went to a fitness spa
for some fun and relaxation. After a stimulating
healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies
room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the
entrance who said, "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure
to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you
look into it and say something truthful, you will be
awarded with a wish. But, be warned, for if you say
something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to
live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!"
The three women quickly entered and upon finding the
mirror, the brunette said, "I think I'm the most
beautiful of us three" and in an instant she was
surrounded by a pile of money.
The redhead stepped up and said "I think I'm the most
talented of us three" and she suddenly found the keys
to a brand new Lexus in her hands.
Excited over the possibility of having a wish come
true, the blonde looked into the mirror and said, "I
think..." and was promptly sucked into the mirror.
Just after I got married, I was invited out for a night with 'the
boys'.
I told the misses that I would be home by midnight ... promise!
Well,
the
yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy and at around
3am
full asa boot, I went home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started and cuckooed
three
times.
Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another
nine
more times.
I was really proud of myself, having the quick wittedness, even when
smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
Next morning the misses asked me what time I got in and I told her
"midnight."
Whew! Got away with that one!
She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.
When I asked her why she said: "Well it cuckooed three times, said
'F*** it',
cuckooed another four times, farted, cuckooed another three times,
cleared it's throat and cuckooed twice, then giggled!"
One Day when Jesus and Moses were out playing golf, they decided to have
a contest to see who
could make the most outstanding shot. Moses decided to go first. He
hammered his shot
straight for the green. Unfortunately, the ball
fell into a water hazard. Undaunted, Moses raised his arms to the sky
and the water parted.
The ball rolled out of the water and ended up only a foot away from its
goal.
Jesus looked at Moses and said, "Hey Moses, that was a pretty good
show. Now let me see what I
can do." Jesus took his shot and sent the ball screaming toward the
green. Unfortunately,
Jesus' ball headed straight for the weather
hazard. Jesus held out one hand, and instead of the ball dropping into
the water, it bounced
on top of the water, rolled up on the green only three inches from the
cup.
Moses said, "Wow, that was an incredible shot!" No sooner had Moses
said this, when the skies
grew dark and the wind started to pick up. Lightning and thunder
crackled through the sky.
Suddenly a ball fell from the sky into the
same water hazard. Just as quickly, a fish came by and swallowed the
ball. An eagle flying
overhead swooped down, grabbed the fish with his talons, and headed for
the now darkened sky.
Just as the eagle was about to leave, lightning struck the eagle and he
dropped the fish onto
the green. The fish opened his mouth, the ball rolled out and dropped
into the hole.
Then Moses turned to Jesus and said, "Man! I hate it when your Dad
plays!!!"
A guy goes to see the doctor because he's a little too well
endowed. In
fact, it's 25 inches long. Can't get any women to have sex with
him.
The doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but sends
him
to
see a witch doctor that he thinks might be able to help.
The witch doctor takes a look at the problem (yikes!) and tells
him
to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a
frog
that
lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog
says
no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."
Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest. He
finds
the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log.
"Will you marry me?" he calls to the frog.
The frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back,
"No."
Guy looks down, sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is
great, he thinks. Let's try that again.
"Will you marry me?" he asks the frog.
Frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"
Twitch - the guy's down to 15 inches. Well that's still a bit
excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he
calls
across
"Will you marry me?"
Frog yells back, "Look - how many times do I have to tell you?
"No,
no,
NO."
Doris & Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their 2 up 2 down terrace house.
After a few days a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model, working in a nearby Manchester studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room Monday through Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week. Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start right away.
"There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath."
"That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it in to the living room, in front of the fire, and fill it with hot water."
"What about your husband?" asked the model.
"Oh, he plays darts most weekdays so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris.
"Good," replied the model, "I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."
That evening Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping, the model stepped into the bath and Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair. The model noticed Doris's staring eyes, smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave her pussy, especially when modeling swimwear or underclothes.
Later when Fred returned Doris related this oddity; he didn't believe her. "It's true, I tell you," said Doris, "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."
The next night Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris, standing behind her, looked towards the curtains, and pointed towards the model's naked pussy. She then lifted up her own skirt and, wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.
Later Fred returned and they retired to bed. "Well, do you believe me now?" she asked him.
"Yes," he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show your hairy twat?"
"Just to show you the difference," answered Doris. "Anyway, you've seen my pussy millions of times."
"Sure, I have," replied Fred, "but until tonight, the rest of the dart team hasn't!"
An Alaskan woodpecker and a Texas woodpecker were in Alaska arguing about which state had the toughest trees to peck.
The Alaskan woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker can peck. The Texas woodpecker challenged him and was able to peck a hole in the tree with no problem. The Alaskan woodpecker was in awe.
The Texas woodpecker challenged the Alaskan woodpecker to peck a tree in Texas that no woodpecker has been able to peck successfully. The Alaskan woodpecker express confidence that he could do it. After flying to Texas and successfully pecking the tree in Texas, the two woodpeckers couldn't figure out why the Texas woodpecker was able to peck the Alaskan tree and the Alaskan woodpecker was able to peck the Texan tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state.
After thinking for some time they both came to the same conclusion that "your pecker is always harder when you're away from home."
Bob Smith had been retired for a year when his wife of fifty years suggested
one day, "why don't we take a cruise for a week and make wild passionate love
like we did when we were young?" He thought it over and agreed. He put on his
hat and coat and went down to the corner drug store. He stepped up to the
counter and asked
for a bottle of seasick pills and a box of condoms.
Upon returning home his wife greeted him at the door saying, "you know dear,
I've been thinking it over and I see no reason why we couldn't manage a month
long cruise so we could relax and make wild passionate love like we did when
we were young."
He smiled, turned around and went back to the pharmacy. He stepped up and
ordered 12 bottles of seasick pills and a dozen boxes of condoms.
Upon returning back home his wife met him on the porch with a big smile on
her face. "Max, I have a marvelous idea. You know, now that our children are
all on their own, there's nothing to stop us from cruising around the world."
"I'll be right back," he said.
Back to the drug store he went. When he approached the pharmacy counter the
druggist looked up with a puzzled grin. Bob sheepishly ordered 297 bottles of
seasick pills and the same number of boxes of condoms.The startled pharmacist
busied himself filling the order then passed the wrapped package across the
counter saying, "You know, Mr. Smith you've been doing business with me for
over thirty years. I certainly don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that
sick, " WHY DO YOU KEEP FUCKING HER!!!
This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an
equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping.
At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a
dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch
the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look
up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with
dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and
went home (piously, of course).
That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their
new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the
dog and showed off a little.
The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was
able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped
the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks.
Well, they said, "let's try this out."
Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced
the command, "Heel!"
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's
forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named "Amahl" The other goes to a family in Spain and
they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had
a picture of Amahl. Her husband responds, "But they are twins
-if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amahl!"
It was supposed to be a happy time, but it wasn't. Santa was really pissed. It was Christmas eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the Christmas cookies. The Elves were bitching about not getting paid for the overtime they had put in while making toys, and the reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. They had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and crashed it into a tree, breaking off one of the runners.
Santa was beside himself with anger. "I CAN"T believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours from now and all my reindeer are drunk, my Elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"
Just then the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says: "Yo, Santa, where do you want me to stick the Christmas Tree this year???"
And thus the tradition of Angels perched on top of the Christmas trees came to pass. . . .
There were 11 people hanging onto a rope
that came down from a plane.
Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette.
They all decided that one person
should get off because if they didn't
then the rope would break and
everyone would die. No one could decide
who should go, so finally the
brunette said, "I'll get off." After a
really touching speech from the
brunette saying she would get off, all
of the blondes started clapping.
Jesus decided to go say hi to his old buddy St. Peter, so he strolled out to the Pearly Gates and noticed a HUGE long line of people waiting to get in.
St. Peter saw Jesus coming and said "Oh, thank goodness someone showed up! Listen, Jesus, there's a huge line of people out here, and I'm going bats trying to keep them all sorted out. Could you take over for a few minutes so I can take a break? I'd be ever so grateful!"
Jesus said that sure, it'd be fine with him to be in charge for a while, but he really wasn't sure what kind of stuff he should check for. St. Peter told him, "Hey, it's easy. A lot of them are already written down on the invitation list. Just make small talk with them while you look for their names. If they're not on the list, just tell them you're not the one normally in charge, so if they wait a bit, I'll deal with them when I get back."
So St. Peter left for a while, and Jesus handled the line of people, looking up their names and generally yakking it up with the folks waiting to get in. Eventually the line got to this one little old man. Jesus started talking to him, "So, what did you do for a living when you were alive?"
"I was a carpenter," the old man replied.
Jesus's ears pricked up at that answer. "Ah," He said. "Did you have a wife or any children?"
"I had one son, but I lost him."
Jesus started to suspect something was up with this little old man, and decided to ask another question. "Ah, a terrible loss, my good man. Tell me, what did he look like?"
"Well," said the old man, "he looked just like any other boy, I guess, except he had holes in his hands and his feet."
Jesus grinned broadly, opened His arms wide and cried, "DAD!"
The old man gasped. "PINOCCHIO!"
3 old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a man stopped in front of them and flashed them.
The first old lady bent over and had a stroke.
The second old lady bent over and had a stroke.
The third old lady bent over but her arms weren't long enough.
Click on tittle to go to joke
Mother Superior: There was a sinful deed committed here,
yesterday.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: Today I found a pair a men's underwear.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And I also found a condom.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And it has been used!
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And there was a hole in it!
1 nun: Oh, No!
99 nuns: Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee!
