FUNNIES
Table Of Contents Click on Tittle to go to joke
A businessman was getting ready to
go on a long
business trip. He knew
his wife was a flirtatious sort
with an extremely
healthy sex drive, so
he thought he'd buy her a little
something to keep
her occupied while
he
was gone.
He went to a store that sold sex
toys and started
to look around. He
thought about a life-sized sex
doll, but that was
too close to another
man for him. He was browsing
through the dildo's,
looking for something
special to please his wife, and
started talking to
the old man behind
the counter. He explained his
situation.
"Well, I don't really know of
anything that will do
the trick. We have
vibrating dildos, special
attachments, and so on,
but I don't know of
thing that will keep her occupied
for weeks,
except..." and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention
this, but there
is The Voodoo
penis."
"So what's up with this Voodoo
Penis?" he asked.
The old man reached under the
counter, and pulled
out a very old wooden
box, carved with strange symbols
and erotic images.
He opened it, and
there lay an ordinary-looking
dildo.
The businessman laughed, and said
"Big damn deal.
It looks like every
other dildo in this shop!"
The old man replied, "But you
haven't seen what
it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said
"Voodoo Penis, the
door." The Voodoo
Penis
miraculously rose out of its box,
darted over to
the door, and started
pounding the keyhole. The whole
door shook wildly
with the vibrations,
so much so that a crack began to
form down the
middle. Before the door
split, the old man said "Voodoo
Penis, return to
box!" The Voodoo Penis
stopped, levitated back to the box
and lay there
quiescent once more.
"I'll take it!" said the
businessman.
The old man resisted, saying it
wasn't for sale,
but finally
surrendered
to $738 in cash and an imitation
Rolex.
The guy took it home to his wife,
told her it was a
special dildo and
that to use it, all she had to do
was say "Voodoo
Penis, my crotch."
He left for his trip satisfied that
things would be
fine while he was
gone. After he'd been gone a few
days, his wife was
unbearably horny.
She thought of several people who
would willingly
satisfy her, but then
she remembered the Voodoo Penis.
She undressed, opened the box and
said, "Voodoo
Penis, my crotch!" The
Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and
started
pumping. It was absolutely
incredible, like nothing she'd ever
experienced
before. After three
mind-shattering orgasms, she became
very exhausted
and decided she'd
had
enough.
She tried to pull it out, but it
was stuck in her,
still thrusting.
She
tried and tried to get it out, but
nothing worked.
Her husband had
forgotten to tell her how to shut
it off.
Worried, she decided to go to the
hospital to see
if they could help.
She put her clothes on, got in the
car and started
to drive, quivering
with every thrust of the dildo. On
the way, another
incredible intense
orgasm made her swerve all over the
road.
A police officer saw this and
immediately pulled
her over. He asked for
her license, and then asked how
much she'd had to
drink.
Gasping and twitching, she
explained, "I haven't
had anything to drink,
officer. You see, I've got this
Voodoo Penis thing
stuck in my crotch
and it won't stop screwing me!"
The officer looked at her for a
second, shook his
head and in an
arrogant voice replied, "Yeah,
right... Voodoo
Penis, my ass!"
Jesus is wandering around Jerusalem when he decides he really needs a
new robe. After looking around, he sees a sign for "Finkelstein, the
Tailor." He goes in and Finkelstein prepares a new robe for him which
is
a perfect fit.
When he asks how much he owes, Finkelstein brushes him off: "No, no,
there's no charge. But, may I ask a small favor? Maybe whenever you
give a sermon you could just mention a little something about how
your
nice robe was made by Finkelstein the Tailor." Jesus readily agrees
and,
as promised, plugs Finkelstein's robes every time he preaches.
Some months later, he is walking through Jerusalem and happens by
Finkelstein's shop. There is a huge line of people waiting for
Finkelstein's robes. He pushes his way through the crowd to speak to
Finkelstein.
"Jesus, Jesus, look what a marvel you've been for business," gushes
Finkelstein. "Would you consider a partnership?" "Sure, sure,"
replies
Jesus. "Jesus and Finkelstein it is." "Uh, no, no", says
Finkelstein.
"Finkelstein and Jesus." After all, I am the craftsman."
The two of them debate this for some time. Among other topics, they
have quite a good theological discussion. Finally, they come to a
compromise decision. And the next day, the new sign went up --
"Lord & Taylor"
There were 2 fishermen out in a boat on a lake. one looks to the
other
and says: I saw you with your new wife last night and she sure is
gorgeous,
I'll bet you love getting that pussy. The other fisherman replies: No I
can't
fuck her, she has gonorrhea.
Damn man! Well, I bet she gives one hell of a blow job. No, she
can't
suck my dick cause she's got pyorrhea. Damn, well there's always anal sex.
No, I can't fuck her in the ass cause she's got diarrhea.
Well, what in the hell did you marry the girl for if she has all
these
problems? Because she also has worms and I love to fish!
After having their 11th child,
an Alabama couple
decided that
was enough. So, the
husband
went to his doctor and told him that he
and his wife didn't want to
have any more children.
The doctor told him that
there was a procedure
called a
vasectomy that could fix the
problem. The doctor
instructed him
to go home, get a cherry bomb,
light
it, put it in a beer can, then
hold the can up to his ear and
count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the
doctor, "I may not be the
smartest
man, but I don't see how
putting a cherry bomb in a
beer can next
to my ear is going to help me."
So, the couple drove to
Georgia to get a
second opinion.
The Georgia physician was just
about to tell them
about the
procedure for a vasectomy when
he noticed that they
were from
Alabama.
This doctor told the man to go
home and get a
cherry bomb, light
it,
place it in a beer can, hold
it to his ear and
count to 10.
Figuring that both learned
physicians couldn't be
wrong, the man
went home, lit a cherry bomb
and put it in a beer
can. He held the
can up to his ear and began to
count. "1, 2, 3, 4,
5 . . . . ", at
which
point he paused, placed the
beer can between his
legs and resumed
counting on his other hand.
There is this just married Chinese couple that decided to make love on
the wedding night in the hotel where they held their wedding. The wife
did not want to get pregnant and requested the husband to buy a condom
from the shop nearby. When the husband went out, the wife waited
anxiously in the room with all the lights switched off. The husband had a
hard time looking for a shop that sold condoms and when he finally found
one, he realised that he had only one 20 cents coin. He asks the shop
owner to sell him one piece of condom and the shop owner asked him which
quality he wanted!.
"The white condom, lowest quality, is 15 cents each.
The black condom, average quality, is 20 cents each.
And the purple condom, highest quality, is 25 cents each."
So the husband took the black condom as he had only 20 cents with him.
While the husband was out, a black South African thief came into the
room. The wife did not notice and thought that it was her husband. She
grabbed the thief and happily started screwing away. The wife was so
exhausted that she fell asleep immediately. When the husband reached the
hotel, he found his wife sleeping. Without a warning, he jumped onto his
wife, mounted her and started f***ing her.vigourously. The wife was
surprised that the husband was so energetic as she thoroughly enjoyed the
session.
A year later, the wife gave birth to a black baby boy. When the baby
grew up, he asked the father. "Papa, why am I black and you are white?"
The father shouted " You are damn lucky already, 5 cents more and you
would have been PURPLE."
A Russian couple was walking down the street in Moscow one night,when the
man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining" he said to hiswife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me" she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argumentabout
whether it was raining or snowing. Just then, they saw a minorcommunist
party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it", theman
said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining orsnowing."
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph,is it
officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course!" he replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!"
The man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"
An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the
cows and is lamenting this fact to a few of his friends down at the
local grain silos. One of them says, "You know, I used to have
the same trouble with my bull, but got it fixed really quick."
"How did you get it fixed?"
"Well I just dipped my finger in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all
over the bull's nose and he got right after her."
He goes home to the farm and decides to try it. He grabs a cow,
dips his fingers in the cow's vagina and rubs it all around the
bull's nose.
The bull gets a rip-roaring boner and jumps on the cow immediately.
That night, he gets into bed with his wife and can't get the effect
on the bull out of his mind. As she lays sleeping, he dips his
fingers into his wife's vagina and feeling that it's nice and wet,
he rubs it all around his nose and gets a rip-roaring hard on. He
quickly shakes his wife awake and cries out loud,....
"Darling. Look at THIS!!!"
"She rolls over, turns on the light and says, "You mean you woke me up
in the middle of the night just to show me that you have a nosebleed?"
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting
for
15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such
ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word
with
him." "Hey George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're
rather
slow, aren't they?"
The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind
firefighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we
always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer
for
them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist
buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
A guy walks into a pet store and asks to buy a canary. The proprietor
replies, "I'm fresh out, but I DO have a parakeet."
The customer insists on a canary, until the shop owner informs him that a
parakeet can be made to sound like a canary if one files the beak just so.
"But be careful not to file too much off or the parakeet will drown when he
goes to take a drink of water."
The guy buys the parakeet. His next stop is a hardware store to buy a file.
The hardware store owner is familiar with this technique and picks out the
right file. "Be careful not to file too much off, or the poor thing mightdrown."
The guys buys the file and takes the bird home. A week later, the bird owner
wanders into the hardware store again. The owner recognizes him and asks how
his parakeet is. The fellow looks down and sadly reports, "Bird's dead."
The hardware store owner shares his sorrow and asks, "Filed off too muchbeak?"
To which the former bird owner replies, "Nah, he was dead when I took him
out of the vise."
The minister, all fired up because of recent obvious problems of
infidelity, shouted out, "I want everyone who has been heing and sheing
to stand up!"
Half of his congregation stood up.
He then shouted out, "I want everyone who has been heing and heing to
stand up!"
A couple of men stood up.
He then shouted out, "I want everyone who has been sheing and sheing to
stand up !"
Several women stood up.
The minister looked over his congregation and noticed that everyone was
standing except Little Johnny.
The minister shouted out, "Brothers and Sisters, look at Little Johnny,
can he be the only one without sin? Little Johnny, stand up.....I guess
you are the only one here who isn't preoccupied with sex and committing
sins. What do you have to say!"
Little Johnny replied, "Reverend, you ain't said nothing about meing and
meing!"
One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner. Mother Potato and her
three daughters. Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up.
"Mother Potato?" she said. "I have an announcement to make."
"And what might that be?" said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her
eldest daughter's eyes.
"Well," replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, "I'm getting
married!" The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed,
"Married! That's wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest daughter?"
"I'm marrying a Russet!" "A Russet!" replied Mother Potato with pride. "Oh,
a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"
As the family shared in the eldest daughter's joy, the middle daughter
spoke up. "Mother, I too, have an announcement."
"And what might that be?" asked Mother Potato.
Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with
conviction, "I, too, am getting married!"
"You, too!" Mother Potato said with joy. "That's wonderful! Twice the good
news in one evening! And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?"
"I'm marrying an Idaho," beamed the middle daughter.
"An Idaho!" said Mother Potato with joy. "Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a
fine tater indeed!"
Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plans for the
future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. "Mother? MotherPotato?
Umm, I, too, have an announcement to make."
"Yes?" said Mother Potato with great anticipation.
"Well," began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as
her eldest sister before her, "I hope this doesn't come as a shock to you,
but I am getting married, as well!"
"Really?" said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. "All of my lovely
daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are youmarrying,
Youngest Daughter?" "I'm marrying Dan Rather!" "Dan Rather?!"
Mother Potato scowled suddenly. "But he's just a common tater!"
A carpet installer was laying new living room carpeting in a
large mansion. After laboriously pulling, stretching, and
tacking the carpet, he finally finished, and gratefully sat
back to enjoy a cigarette.
Reaching into his shirt pocket, however, he found that his
cigarettes were gone, and looking toward the center of the
room, he saw a bulge the size of a cigarette pack under the
new carpeting. He of course had no intention of pulling up
the carpet, so instead he took a large mallet, and he pounded
the lump flat, so it could not be seen.
He then hopped in his truck and headed back to the office.
On the way, he found his cigarettes in the glove compartment.
Just then his cellular telephone rang. When he answered it,
he discovered it was the dispatcher from his office. The
dispatcher said that the homeowner had just called them ina terrible panic.
It seems their son's favorite pet hamster was missing.
Had the carpet layer seen the hamster while he was in the house?
When we lived at the beach, my wife and I used to walk the beach a lot. One
summer we noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She
wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one
thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance
around furtively, then speak to them.
Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off,
but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange
of money for something she carried in her bag. My wife and I assumed she
was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but we didn't know for
sure so we just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks my wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed
that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronicdevices?"
I hadn't, and I said so.
Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio
and go lay out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."
Well, the plan went off without a hitch and my wife was almost hopping
up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to me and thenleave.
I walked up the beach and met her at the road. "
Well? Is she selling drugs?" she asked, excitement pouring out with hervoice.
"No, she's not." I said, enjoying this probably more than I shouldhave.
"Well? What is it, then? What does she do?" my wife fairly shrieked.
I smirked and said, "Her name is Sally and she sells 'C' cells by the sea shore."
One day this guy, who has been stranded on a desert island all alone for
ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a
ship," he thinks to himself.
And as the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the
possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.
Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous blonde
woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She approaches the stunned guy and asks, "How long has it been since
you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he says.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and
pulls out a pocket of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and
takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man!" "Is that ever good!"
She then asks him, "How long has it been since you've had a sip of
bourbon?"
Trembling, he replies, "Ten Years!"
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls
out a flask, and gives it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swing,
and says, "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!"
Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front
of her wet suit, looks at him seductively and asks, "And how long has it
been since you've played around?"
The guy, with tears in his eyes, replies, "Oh sweet Lord God!" "Don't
tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"
A cat goes up to a rooster and says, "I can do anything you can do!"
The rooster took the challenge and jumped over a broomstick. The cat
jumped over the broomstick and said, "See, I can do anything you can
do!"
The rooster then went to a tiny brook, jumped/flew across and then
asked the cat to do it. The cat ran, jumped, and fell in the water.
The rooster had a great laugh as the cat got out of the water.
The moral of this story is: Wherever there is a wet pussy, there's a
happy cock.
Maria was a devoted, religious girl. She got married and had 17 children. Then her husband died. She
remarried two weeks later, and had 22 children by her next husband. Then he died. A while later, she died.
At the funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At least they're
finally together."
A guy sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her
and her second husband?"
The priest said, "I mean her legs."
A couple, both age 67, went to a sex therapists office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The
man said, "will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong
with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $32.00.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no
problems, pay the doctor, then
leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The old man said, "we're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house - I'm
married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60.00. The Hilton charges $78.00. We
do it here for $32.00, and I get $28.00 back from Medicare!
A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to
take his order, and he asks her, "What's the special of theday?"
"Chili," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got thelast bowl."
The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes
to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him
was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten.
"Are you going to eat your chili?" he asked.
"No, help yourself," replied his neighbor.
The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the
chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the
body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he
puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl.
The man sitting next to him says, "Yeah, that's as far as I got, too."
A brunette, a red head and a blonde climb onto an elevator
when the brunette notices a small white pasty stain
on the floor. She looks at her two friends and says,
"Well I don't know, but that sure looks like someone's
cum to me." The red head looks at the spot and crouches
down near it. She sniffs the small stain and says,
"Well I don't know, but that sure smells like someone's
cum to me." The blonde decides to settle the matter.
She too crouches down by the spot. Then she proceeds
to dip her finger in it and put it to her mouth. "Well
it sure isn't anyone from this building."
This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic
evening of wining and dining they go off to bed.
However, as soon as they settle down, the man (not quite ready for
slumber) leans over and whispers softly "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your
little hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet."
The wife takes the hint and says "OK, but I have to use the bathroomfirst."
So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and
lands flat on her face.
Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone "Oh my little
honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?".
No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex
for three hours.
Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she
trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on
the floor. Her husband looks over and grunts "Clumsy bitch."
