Biggest Ripoff of the Year
So you're thinking to yourself, "What's the best console sports game of '99?" It's a tough one; there were some amazing titles last year. Besides old standbys like Madden and Triple Play, there was the Sega Sports explosion and a host of weirdo games like Tony Hawk's Pro Skater that turned the sports genre on its ear. An interesting category, you're thinking. But first of all, for some reason only three titles were nominated: NFL 2K, Tony Hawk and some shabby boxing game called Knockout Kings 2000. Second of all, Knockout Kings won. BOOOOOOO!

Most Embarrassing AIAS Awards Moment
Man, this is a tough category. There were so many! What do I go with; when the console game of the year winner was flashed up on the screen while the presenters were still reading the nominees? When a presenter tried to make a joke about PBS being acquired by teenslut.com? When Gamespot, spelled "Gamesopt" in the program, won "Best News Site" over CNN.com? When Gamesopt won "Best News Site" over CNN.com, and there wasn't a single person there to accept the award? When Delroy Lindo admitted that he'd never heard of Duke Nukem? Aaah, the memories.

But I'm going to have to go with the entire performance of "Ms. AIAS," Martin Short's real-time motion captured cyber-sidekick. Awful lines, yes; unimpressive graphics, true; but her voice -- it was a high-pitched, slow 'n' dopey whine that no one should have to hear outside of a Jennifer Tilly retrospective. Towards the end, Short muted her and got the biggest ovation of the evening. Worst line of her performance? "Do you want to go … out with me? Maybe we can stay … at the dotcom inn … or the world-wide hotel. Does that get your … IPO up?" I feel dirty just typing it.

Best Measure of the MC's Involvement
This summed up the show perfectly. In Martin Short's intro, he said "I remember when I asked 'What are the AIAS Awards,' and they said 'Not now, you're on.' " Funny, yes; because it's true!

Joking and snide abuse aside, we extend our congratulations to the winners, and hats off to the AIAS for trying to make the Interactive Achievement Awards a blockbuster event. The AIAS still hasn't quite made it to Oscar level, but at least it's out of the "Northwest Pennsylvania Plumbers Association 'Golden Plunger' " class. But please, fire the tech team.

In closing I'd like to offer heartfelt congratulations and thanks to Hironobu Sakaguchi, creator of the Final Fantasy series, who was inducted into the AIAS Hall of Fame for his huge contribution to games as an art and an industry. The award meant a lot to Sakaguchi-san, and his games have meant a lot to gamers around the world. Aw jeez, now I'm getting all teary.