bio...who am i?


crazy drunken writings





this was something i wrote about 2 years ago from my very first website. it's old, but i still think its funny. maybe that's just because i'm an egocentric and i like all things that have to do with me.

all things in quotations are taken from http://www.capalert.com

well, the other day my sister and i were at blockbuster trying to find some movies. we wandered over to the comedy section, and cimarron (yes, that is her real name)suggested we rent dogma. i gasped at the thought. i told her that dogma contained "an"angel" dropping his pants to reveal that god had removed his genitalia" and "sinful behavior was encouraged as an emotional release." it also used "the foulest of the foul word 52 times" and "full male frontal nudity". surely there was another movie that was more appropriate! shame on my sister for even suggesting such a film! so we moved over to the action films, she picked up enemy of the state, and i almost died. didn't she know that movie contained "several exposures to adults in underwear" and "a plethora of deaths by gunfire"? a movie that contains underwear can never be shown in my house. we than wandered over to the comedy section again, where cimarron picked out slc punk. i yelled that "punk mayhem with crowd-wide bird flipping" was in it, and that there also was "as were punk dress, promotion of rebellion, and more vulgar gestures" PUNK DRESS?!!!! what kind of open minded person do you think i am? i almost shot my sister. well, we went over to the kids section, surely these movies were fun family entertainment. we were wrong. she picked up babe, pig in the city, and i slapped it out of her hands. that movie contained, "babe presented an out-of-body experience and resurrection. a dog, both rear legs paralyzed riding around in a special wheeled prosthetic, was seen quivering after a trauma with the next scene of the dog jumping around after butterflies in a colorful meadow. then the other animals called to the dog and he recovered. only jesus can resurrect. and the only resurrections were those performed by jesus, including his own." only jesus can resurect, damnit!!!!!! not a pig!!!! AAAA!! five hours later, we left the store with mary poppins because that's the only movie that scored 100% thanks to the christian childcare action program. without them picking a movie would be impossible.