Oh yeah, I remember that, and all those seals died and Dan Rather reported it...or maybe it was Connie Chung I can't remember...
Mood:  cool
Now Playing: The Music - Welcome to the North
In case you are wondering what the hell the title of this post is, it is a brief sampling of the family guy episode when Peter discovers he has a black ancestor and then goes to a show at the Apollo. So today I got harrassed by the man. And it wasn't so bad. I got a restraining order...HAZAA! And no it wasn't for anything like stalking or making creepy phone calls and when the person answers instead of talking you just breath heavily. No my friends, I got a restraining order for...pissing off my high school baseball coach. Yep, that is correct. Did I do anything? Nothing he can prove and I have not seen or done anything to him in over a year and a half. And by "doing" I mean egging his house. What is totally fucked up about this whole ordeal is that he lied to get the restraining order. None of the things he lists as evidence are actually true. Which means I get to fuck with him in court. I am seriously considering filing either A) a defamation/slander/harrassment lawsuit B) going to court to argue the "facts" in the restraining order and bitch slapping the piss out of the idiot judge that issued it C) Sueing the asshole for emotional and physical damages due to stress caused by the lies he has been spreading or D) all of the above. My choice is D. Simply because I am sick and tired of this guy being an asshole to everyone and nobody doing anything about it. Guess what Dave? I have 2 and a half weeks of free time, a good amount of money and I'm super pissed off. Congratulations you pair of fucking clown shoes, I am going to do to you what you have done to everyone else. Can you smell that? Yes, mmm...sweet, sweet revenge. Since I was distracted all day, here is a brilliant comic from Asher Sarlin, creator of Elephantitis of the Mind. ENJOY!

Honestly, who could be expected to make the right decision

THE 50th POST
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: Coldplay - A Rush of Blood to the Head
So friends, it has come to this, I have finally reached the 50th post on my blog. I think that is fairly impressive considering that I most of my posts are rather long and have pictures that require hours of painstaking manipulation in MS Paint. Well, as a special treat for my legions...er I mean legion of fans, I have decided to reveal how my blogging genius came to be. In order to do this I have to give a detailed personal history. Fear not, this won't be one of those lame-ass auto-biographies that you get from politicians, celebrities or athletes. No, I will give a fun, dare I say adventurous glimpse into my life story. So sit back, get comfortable and prepare yourself for: Wait, What Just Happened? The Chris Hahn Story

Long ago, in a land full of people wearing Carhartt jackets and snow shoes, a dashing yound lad was born to an artist and a crane operator. Upon his birth, citizens flocked to awe and marvel at his awesomeness. Truly he was an amazing baby, and I was not that baby. I was born in Petosky, Michigan. Although I would rather claim to be from Charlevoix for the record.

The events surrounding my birth are quite unheralded, but still awesome. My mom had to fight a shark to the death just to get a parking space in the hospital parking lot. My dad was forced to eat 60 hotdogs in an hour so the doctor would deliver me. Granted these heppenings aren't worthy of legend, but they are impressive nonetheless. Michigan is where I get my super powers. I guess my fortress of solitude would have to be happy valley, where everyone is happy all the time...or else. In that farm country I draw from both my dutch and german genes. Combining skills in irrigation, wind mills, and wooden clogs with alcohol consumption and the ability to wear lederhosen to become the oozing mass of awesomeness that I am. I'm not so sure I like to describe myself as an oozing mass of anything but oh well, it is written and I can't change it now cause that would just make me some sort of revisionist history guy. And that would be lame.

Now that my creation is out of the way, I will discuss my long and completely non-boring journey to Whidbey Island and eventually Bellingham. SO after my birth, my parents realized that my power was too great to keep in Michigan so I moved with my mom to Florida. Yes somehow being amongst SO many old people made me stronger. Unfortunately, I have never been able to get the old person smell out of my skin, which probably effects my chances with the ladies....FOR THE BETTER! I mean WHO doesn't like the scent of a 60 year old man? Adam Sandler reference anyone?

Moving along. So whilst in Florida, I fought several wild beasts (alligator, squirrel, shark, titmouse, three toed sloth, republicans) and garnered numerous scars. Mostly on my head. Which accounts for the 180+ stitches I have up there. Here is to hoping I never go bald...and that my gene pool is strong enough to keep hair on my head. Realizing that my potential would never be reached in Floridia, I moved to Washington. State, not D.C. I FUCKING HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME THAT. How about this, people from D.C. can say that they are from The District of Columbia and people from Washington can say they are from FUCKING WASHINGTON. GOD I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME THAT. It wasn't so bad the first 10,000 times but Jesus Tapdancing Christ it sure is fucking annoying now.

So anyways. In Washington I get bombarded with liberalism AND rational thought. Lord only knows how I would have turned out if I had stayed in Florida. Probably prefer prune smoothies, golf pants, matlock, republicans and matlock instead of schnapps, jeans, the simpsons, any kind of non brainwashing political conglomorate and of course the family guy. Fast forward a few years and I'm right in the middle of my experience on Whidbey Island. The English language has no words that could adiquately describe my feelings of this Island. Some good and some utterly, utterly bad. Eventually, I made the Island my bitch and moved to Bellingham to conquer the rest of my life.

My travels across the country have tought me many things: People are stupid. People are assholes. People come. People go. Smart people are few and far between. Friendship comes and goes and sometimes dies. Their is no such thing as fair and balanced. Life is just one big empty moment that needs to be filled with something, ANYTHING.

Because I love Jesus as much as the next guy...
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: David Bowie & Queen - Under Pressure
So I realize that it is 4 am right now and I have totally fucked up my sleeping pattern. So what if I stayed up for over 24 hours yesterday. For no reason. None. Oh well. So now that I am back to being a racoon, I have time to perouse the internets during the wee hours of the night...AND rummage through garbage. I stumbled upon THIS website about an hour ago. If you are the uber serious, tight ass, bible thumping, conservative that can't take a joke or laugh at anything serious than I hope you die...and you shouldn't visit this site. It is basically a bunch of cartoons about Jesus. Here is one of my favorites. Notice how I don't hog my cartoon finds like some squirrel preparing for winter by hoarding nuts...kindof like caleb? Please excuse my poor humor. Appearantly when I become nocturnal I lack the ability to be funny. In other news, Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic 2 comes out tomorrow. And I will soon spend all of my waking hours playing that game just like I did with the first one.

Not that he needs it, but here is some shameless promotion for J
Mood:  energetic
Now Playing: Fastball - Out of My Head
Well, for those of you who think I hold a grudge against our friends across the pond...I do. But as always, I have exceptions. Brady's buddy J being one of them. He has a rather sweet blog that I feel is worth checking out. I give it a couple of thumbs up. click here for J's blog

Feeling Random, So here is a brief re-enactment of a Family Guy scene
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: Oasis - Hello
"Peter this is just like the time you bought that cloud insurance."
"Just look at those clouds...plotting away."
(cut away to two clouds)

THE HOTTEST WOMEN ACCORDING TO ME
Mood:  suave
Now Playing: Radiohead - Kid A
So now that I am back from a hockey game (Western kicked the crap out of UW 5-1) I feel the need to talk about hot women. Don't ask me how those two relate because I can't really explain it or even rationalize my thought process. Anyways. The following list that I am about to present to you is not in any order but I WILL reveal who I think is the hottest woman on earth at the end. While making this list, I searched for NON-skanky/slutty pictures because I want to make a point. The point being that my definition of what makes a girl hot are certain characteristics ASIDE from sluttyness. Things I DON'T like and automatically disqualifies a women from this list are: sluttyness, bimbo-like qualities, fakeness, too much makeup, and being Jessica Simpson, JLo, Lindsey Lohan, Britney Spears, or having the last name Hilton. So what makes a girl hot? A good smile, a unique look, and making me happy in my special place. ON TO THE LIST!

Eliza Dushku
Some of you may be asking yourselves, where is she from? Buffy the Vampire Slayer? Tru Callings? NO...actually, yes, but I was thinking more along the lines of Bring it On.

Eva Mendes
I have to say she is possibly the hottest woman on earth. Almost a dead ringer for Cindy Crawford (who just missed the list) and she even has the mole. I am partial to facial moles since I have one. I think they are hot. And Eva is definitely hot.

Kristin Davis
Charlotte from Sex in The City makes the list simple because she is cute as hell and somehow extremely sexy at the same time. Imagine the cuteness of a kitten mixed with the raw, oozing sex appeal of say...fabio.

Shakira
Okay, okay so this is still a carry-over from my senior year in high school. She is still wicked hot. She writes her own songs, and sings in both spanish AND english. And they way she moves her hips makes my pants really tight.

Elisha Cuthbert
I think Matt will agree with me when I say that she is the hottest person on 24 (although keifer is a close second...maybe president palmer). Even with a bad hair cut she is still amazingly hot. Dare I say...en fuego?

Tyra Banks
Alright so this is from middle school. I remember when I saw her on the cover of the Sports Illustrated swim suit issue and feeling strange and wonderous new things. Not only is she hot but she is a pretty good producer and really funny. And she dated Mark Messier. That is awesome.

Sandra Bullock
Some of you might be saying, Sandra Bullock...um wasn't she in that movie with Keanu Reeves? Yes, yes she was. And she has been hot in every film since. She spent some time on Whidbey while filming Practical Magic. For that I apologize to her. No person should EVER experience the agony that is Whidbey Island, especially Coupeville.

Keira Knightley
Um yeah. She is the type that is SO hot that I can't really think of words to describe her so I just revert back to a sort of caveman state where I point and use a series of grunts. Kudos to England for producing this extremely beautiful woman.

Jennifer Garner
By FAR the greatest thing to EVER come out of West Virginia. I think she is actually the first, second, and third best thing to come from West Virginia. She is probably the closest thing to the dictionary definition of hot that you can find.

Natalie Portman
Okay, so aside from being a really good actress, she is wicked smart(went to harvard, speaks four languages), well travelled (born in Jerusalem), and wicked hot. And she is in 3 star wars movies. So she will be hot for an innumerable amount of nerds for decades to come.

And the winner is: Natalie Portman. For the longest time it was Jennifer Garner but I have had a recent change of heart. Partly because Garden State was a great movie and Portman was really charming in it and because Jennifer Garner is dating Ben Affleck. I mean seriously, that is the WORST judgement and further proves my theories about women. I hope they have a bunch of talentless babies that have huge heads and star in crappy jerry bruckheimer movies. GOSH!

Why Ricky Williams is THE man
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Radiohead - True Love Waits
Ok, so another sports post...STFU already! This time I salute Ricky Williams, one of the most gifted potheads of all-time. If you don't know about Ricky, allow me to fill you in. In college, he set the all-time rushing record, won the Heisman(award for best college football player), AND played minor league baseball in the Phillies system. In the NFL, he rushed for over 6,500 yards in just 5 seasons. The guy dominated. BUT he was and is different. He tested positive for pot twice and faced a four game suspension if he were to play this season. Instead, Ricky gives a big middle finger to the NFL AND the Miami Dolphins (who I hate) and flies to Asia and then back to California where he is now studying alternative medicine at a community college in (this is NOT a joke) grass county, California. Ok, so The Dolphins sued Ricky because he retired and they didn't want to pay him the 8.6 MILLION dollars that they still owed him. Well, long story short, Ricky lost his case and has to pay back the money...or atleast I'm pretty sure he will lose his case because the NFL sucks ass when it comes to honoring contracts with players. What really chaps my ass is the fact that pot is a banned substance. Um, last time I checked (two weeks ago) Pot does NOT enhance your ability to do anything but eat count chocula cereal and pop tarts. So what if Ricky rocks the gonja every once in awhile. OR every day. So fucking what. And boo-hoo to all these high-and-mighty NFL talk show analists that say Ricky is a quitter. You know what? Maybe he wanted to do something else. Maybe he didn't want to play football anymore. Maybe he wanted to go to asia and smoke lots of weed and study crazy indian healing methods instead of getting the shit knocked out of him by 300 pound lineman every week. He already has more money than he could ever need. So why keep playing? Kudos Ricky. I support you. Continuing with my rant about banned substances, does anyone think it to be odd that cough medicine, vitamins, and pot are considered performance enhancing drugs? Funny huh? Some sports officials have WAY too much fucking free time.

Least homoerotic post ever
Mood:  smelly
Now Playing: U2 - With Or Without You
So if you have been hiding under a rock or a bridge of sorts and have not been watching espn today you may not know that Jason Giambi and Barry Bonds admitted to using steroids. Personally, I don't think that steroids make you a better baseball player. The fact that Bonds was a hall of fame player BEFORE the year 2000 makes the whole "steroids made him better" argument a load of bullshit. The same goes for Giambi. Sure he was a beanpole for his whole life, but he was drafted in the second round in 1992, he was on the Olympic team, and he did well BEFORE he was an MVP. See kids, steroids don't increase the reaction time necesary to hit a 98 mph fastball or an 80 mph curveball that starts out at your head and breaks to your knees. Steroids don't improve your swing mechanics or hand-eye coordination. All of those things are what makes a great swing. What steroids DO help improve are increased acne, scarred and dead tissue around the area of injection, smaller and non-functioning testicles, uncontrolable mood swings that lead to violence, liver, heart and kidney failure, various cancers and tumors (testicluar being a really fun one). But it does make you stronger and bigger. Just look at these photos I have put together of Bonds and Giambi. I did NOT doctor these photos at ALL. Except for the steroid bottles. These are before and after pictures.

The picture on the left is of Bonds when he was in the minors. Pretty skinny huh? Bonds is huge now. Capital "H" u-g-e. And he is a world class asshole. He claims he didn't know that what he was given by his trainer was steroids. BITCH PLEASE. I'm not that dumb, and neither are the american people. Well...atleast I'm not that dumb.

Now on to Giambi. The guy was an amazing athelete in high school. He was all-state in basketball, football and baseball. He stuck with Baseball and probably made the right choice. The picture on the left is of him in the minor leagues in 93 or 94. Ironically he played for the same organization that Bonds did when he was in the minors. The picture on the right was taken in 2000. Right when, as he admitted to, he started to take steroids, human growth hormone, and even a female fertility drug (wtf?).

So after seeing some of MY idols do steroids, and seeing their results, I decided to follow in their footsteps. I mean, I AM an impressionable young guy, and other people in society are dumb enough to do this. I started this experiment about two months ago. And I have to say that it worked. See for yourself. These photos are not doctored in any way. Nope...not at all. These are ALL REAL.

So starting out, I was your typical 90 pound weakling. And appearantly I liked wearing leaves instead of underoos. And my nipples were brown. Anyways. By day 30 I had noticed some extra muscle. My bulge was still intact and I had not experienced any shrinkage. I did notice that I was lashing out at Brady more often. He ended up calling the cops on me...stupid spousal abuse. I mean what? Moving along. So, day 90. As you can see I was so big that I almost needed a manziere to hold back my man boobs. Also, my package had completely disappeared and I had a really bad fake tan. And I lost all my body hair. Which really wasn't that much to begin with.

To sum my experiment up, I guess it really was not that great. I began wearing spandex biking shorts, which is NOT HOT. My skin tone on my face didn't match the skin tone of my body. I lost my bulge. Don't do steroids kids. Steroids are bad. I will end with a quote from Jimmy of South Park "Taking steroids is just like pretending to be handicapped at the Special Olympics. Because you're taking all the fairness out of the game. But I know now that even if you do win on steroids, you're really not a winner. You're just a p-pussy. You're just a big fat p-p...p...pussy, and if you take steroids, the only decent thing to do is come forward and say, "Remove me from the record books, because I am a big, stinky p-pussy steroid-taking jackass." That's how I feel about myself, and why I must decline this medal and my place in the history books. And if you'll let me, I'll be back next year. To compete with honor.

How to spend seven hours on campus when you don't need to
Mood:  accident prone
Now Playing: Led Zeppelin - Over the hills and far away
So I spent SEVEN hours on campus today when I had no class AND I didn't need to study. Well, I DID have to get my student's grades together and give them their packets. But other than that it was a fairly uneventful day. Good times.

It has been a long time...long time...lonely, lonely time...
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Ramble On - Led Zeppelin
So it has been a couple days huh? And having waited long enough for death threats and hate mail to come in from my last post, I feel that it is time to move on. SO...Moving along now. This post is dedicated to the most underappreciated cartoon of ALL-TIME. No it is not Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law (which is friggin hilarious), or Aqua Teen Hunger Force (that show gets enough credit), or even Batman the Animated series (the one from the early 90's that was dark and more like the comic book). The most underappreciated and underrated cartoon is (drum roll) UNDERGRADS. Yes it is the show that aired from April-August of 2001 on MTV. Having spent many nights watching this cartoon with my buddies, it is easy to see why this show kicked so much ass: because it relates to anyone that watches it...but especially college students. The basic premise for the show is four high school buddies that graduate and go to college. Two go to the state university (Cal and Nitz), one goes to Techerson Tech (Gimpy), and the other goes to a sketchy community college of sorts (Rocko). Basically, the show is about college life, and other things related to it. I guess you could say it is an animated seinfeld for teenagers because it really is a show about nothing. Minus the superman references and puffy shirts. I found out that Undergrads is on dvd now, so I highly recommend getting a copy of it, or downloading the series if you have an outrageously fast internet connection. NOW FOR THE PICTURES!

Gimpy - Gimpy is a nerd. Plain and simple. He has a fetish with star wars movies and coffee. As well as never sleeping on his own bed. He also twitches uncontrollably at times and makes odd noises. He reminds me of my friends brady (from whidbey...or seattle as he prefers) and tom.

Nitz - He is the central character. The guy that everyone knows but can't quite remember. He also has ladies throwing themselves at him and he is totally clueless. He reminds me of Matt.

Cal - The typical ladies man. Also dumb as a stump AND a box of rocks. Has lots of sex with lots of women and the ladies can't get enough. He reminds me of Jeff Dawg and George.

Rocko - This guy is possibly the biggest asshole ever. That or he is just too dumb to realize what he is saying or doing. He does have his moments of clarity. He reminds me of Jeramy and myself.


Go check out Undergrads. Good stuff. Sorry for the lame post. I'm a bit um, preoccupied.