Footballer of the week
Mood:  hungry
Now Playing: Futurama
So this is another pointless post just like the last one. Living with Brady I am beginning to watch more Football (soccer) than I have in the past. So watching the recent Liverpool game I noticed one player who stood out above the rest. Yes he had an amazing goal, but that isn't why he is my footballer of the week. Joonas Kolkka gets the award for mocking another player that took a dive. After a tackle where Kolkka didn't even touch the guy, this lameass fell down and acted as if he had been shot. Kolkka the proceeded to talk some trash and take a fake dive of his own right in front of this player and the ref. For this awesome display Kolkka is the player of the week. Way to make fun of a total wuss.

I am Peter Griffin...if peter griffin didn't have a butt-chin and wasn't fat
Mood:  quizzical
Now Playing: Love and Rockets - No New Tale to Tell
So continuing with my title, I am Peter Griffin minus all the funny stuff and the animation. So I guess I am nothing like Peter Griffin. Anyways, I found this picture of my sister Dakota, her horse Duke, and Me from the state fair. Enjoy!

I'm not a scientist but this seems worthy...
Mood:  hungry
Now Playing: Lump - Presidents of the USA
So once again I have been scouring the internets for fun facts and useless info and found this. Matt, when you get back, you, caleb and me HAVE to do this. Brady and Ashley can come too.

Prepare for the Apocalypse
Mood:  hungry
Now Playing: Franz Ferdinand - This Fire
So I have been keeping my nose to the grindstone and attempting to pay attention to current events lately. I read this morning that Colin Powell is resigning. That makes two of Bush's high ranking cronies, Attorney General John Ashcroft being the other, that have stepped down after hearing of Bush's re-election. Coincidence? I think not. Ashcroft was the ultimate conservative christian. Does anyone remember that this guy lost the 2000 Missouri gubernatorial decision to a dead guy? He spent over $30,000 on drapes to cover the statue of justice's exposed breast. Do I really need to say more about this guy? Colin Powell. I used to like this guy. USED to. Before the year 2000, Powell seemed like an astute guy, I even respected him. Then he becomes a total fucking sheep and regurgitates all these bullshit lies that the rest of the administration told. I would like to think his conscience got the best of him and he realized the error of his ways. I would like to think that he decided not to go with the Bush program and Bush and his buddies kicked him out for it. I don't know. All I do know is that the people that replace Ashcroft and Powell are going to be even more conservative and crazy. Prepare for all statues being covered in overpriced linen (that is SUCH a fucking waste of tax dollars) and the state department to continue to create bigger and even more far-fetched lies about WMD's and the war on terror. GOD DAMNIT P. DIDDY WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU? Also, kudos to Matt for kicking ass in Ultimate Frisbee. I know for a fact that Brits are total sissies so he must have used his American awesomeness (along with his math/bass playing skillz) to turn those lesser wimps into totall badasses. If only the team was named the Sizzle. Although translated into Welsh, Sizzle would probably be something like Eatsbabies or New York Yankees. Either one is terrible. Stupid Brits. Well, to prove to you what matt is dealing with here I found another map. And a pic proving how much of a badass matt is.

So Matt really is dealing with a bunch of wusses. It is hard to convert an entire Island full of buggerers but Matt is doing it.

Matt is the Ultimate Badass of Ultimate Frisbee. Here he is in a game he played against a bunch of wild animals. After he snatched the frisbee away from this lameass Crocodile, he then insulted it and farted on it and made the beast make him pancakes. Truly badass.

Brady...Your secret is out
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: Franz Ferdinand - Cheating on You
So I was perousing the internets and I found this. Detailed instructions for the chicken dance. Now we can all be like drunken Brady.

Why God is a Wolverine's fan...or not
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: Jeff Tweedy - If you see her, say hello (dylan cover)
So watching today's college football events unfold today, I began wondering if something else was in control, some higher power possibly. My Wolverines, who were ranked 9th coming into today, needed some help to get into a BCS bowl. For those of you that don't know what the BCS is, it is an evil spawn of moronic NCAA officials that were too stupid to put in a fucking playoff system. The BCS ruins college football and so do the polls. But enough about my ranting and back to me explaining why god prefers wolverine fans. SO anyways, Big Blue needed help. Being 8-1 (6-0 in conference) they were ranked 9th in the BCS. Several other 1 loss teams were ranked ahead of them as well as undefeated divisio rival Wisconson. Fucking Badgers. The retarded cousin of the wolverine. Anyways. So Georgia (7-1) lost, West Virginia (8-2) lost, Michigan won handily (review later) against Northwestern, and Michigan State thumped Wisconsin. I'm talking taking them out back, tying them to a tree and beating them with a cat like Monty Python thumping. And that is bad. Trust me, cat thumpings are brutal. So all the pieces are falling into place for Michigan to go to their Holy Grail: The Rose Bowl. And I kept thinking, is this luck? Or does some higher power have a say in this? I thought about it for a minute or so and concluded that god himself favors the Wolverines. Of course, by saying this, I guarantee a Michigan loss solely because this is so blaspehmus but I'm going to say it anyways. Hail to the Victors! So yeah, on to the game review. Michigan's stud freshman Mike Hart had 150 rushing yards and 3 td's in UM's 42-20 win. Good times. Braylon Edwards became the 1st, yes FIRST reciever in Big Ten HISTORY to have 3 consecutive 1,000 yard receiving seasons. Congrats to Braylon.

So appearantly on the 6th day god created Man AND the Wolverines. However, the Wolverines have not been kicked out of their paradise (the BIG HOUSE) just yet.

Where have you gone Shawn Kemp?
Mood:  sharp
Now Playing: Super Sonics - The Presidents of the United States of America
So I have been watching NBA basketball recently (yes, I know I'm one of the few) and I have been surprised by how well the Sonics have been playing. Sure they don't have a big man and sure their fans are about as fair weathered as any in the world but these guys are fun to watch. Me personally, I hate watching basketball where they walk it up the court, throw it into the center and play an isolation game or a two man game. ITS FRIGGIN BORING! The Sonics have a bunch of athletic guys that can run, shoot and pass. They are all unselfish (which is why I will always hate Kobe Bryant being the selfish piece of crap he is) and look to help teammates out. They have spanked some of the best teams in the league: the spurs, the kings, and the suns. And they beat Toronto which is doing really well right now. But watching the Sonics, I long for the days of the Reignman, the Manchild, the Father of America: Shawn Kemp. I know he is a big tub o' lard now, but back in the day he was just like Garnett is now. Minus the cool chin fuzz and bald head. I say we bring back Kemp. Just to sit on the bench and provide an example to young players of what happens when you don't keep your junk in your pants. And because I want to relive my childhood damnit. DO AS I SAY SONICS MANAGEMENT! DO AS I SAY!
Does anyone remember how great this guy was before he gained all that weight and gave up on life? The Man Child? This guy was awesome. Bring back Kemp in '04!

Blogger's Note: Caleb, who I consider a friend is concerned about my mocking him. To borrow a line from Matt, "I mock because I love." Why else would I put you on my site in the first place? Remember, you have to be great to be made fun of and a total piece of crap to never be mentioned. I don't know who said that...maybe I just made it up but it sounds good enough. And I say three cheers for another quarter of Caleb's editorial skillz for the Western Front. Here is to hoping that one day he shall rule the liberal media. What a glorious day that will be.

Arguably the funniest site on the Web
Mood:  hungry
Now Playing: the beatles-while my guitar gently weeps
So thanks to my friend Brady from back home I have been turned on to this amazing website. I have to say that this is by far the funniest and most unique cartoons I have seen on the web. I tip my cap to this guy, he is extremely clever and an obvious master of useless knowledge.
Please go to Elephantitis of the Mind I promise you will not regret it.

And then there was the sizzle
Mood:  on fire
Now Playing: jet-cold hard bitch
So after a cancelled game due to hail and lightning last week, the sizzle returned this week and had possibly the greatest flag football game I have ever seen. If only the game was played to the NFL films music. Then it would have been an instant classic. It was a very evenly matched game, although I have to say that if it were tackle football, we would have gotten the shit kicked out of us. These guys were huge. But with typical sizzle style we used our slacker skillz to even the match. The first half was a defensive struggle. Both teams had long drives end without touchdowns. The G-Unit(our opponent)scored with about 2 minutes left in the first half. Halftime saw the Off Campus Sizzle down 6-0. The Sizzle started the second half with a long Touchdown drive with a scoring pass to Jeff Dawg and an extra point to Kyle McGillen. After another long non-scoring drive by G-Unit, the sizzle had a long drive of their own halted near the end zone. Then the sizzle kicked it into high gear defensively with two consecutive 4 and out series for G-Unit. This was matched by one scoring drive by the Sizzle with a TD pass to Chris Richards. And a missed extra point (I nearly threw an interception). Then, with time running out the Sizzle once again marched down the field and scored on a TD catch by Dave. Extra point by Chris Richards. Then under a 2-minute drill offense G-Unit went down the field and scored, but missed their extra point. Instead of running the time out like pussies, the Sizzle ran their normal offense and won the game 20-12. By far the best game I have been a part of. It was so evenly matched. Great game. Hats off to Jeff Dawg, Wes, Dave and Chris Richards my players of the game. I apologize to Kyle for not getting him the ball enough. I swear I will hit him on two deep passes next game. Or let him be QB. I want to be a reciever or something. Im no Michael Vick. Or Rick Mirer for that matter. No pictures for this post. Sorry, I'm still recovering from that video games post. That took forever.

If life were a video game
Mood:  hungry
Now Playing: nada surf - popular
So outside of work and school, I have been filling up the vast majority of my spare time with video games. I go through a phase where I will play one game for a few weeks and then like some video game hermit crab move on to find a bigger adventure. It all started way back when (cue the wavy picture effect and the dream sequence music) I got my first video game console. I remember that summer. I was 9 years old. Those were simpler days. Anyways, back to the games. So I got a Sega Genesis for my birthday. Now I do NOT want to restart the 16 Bit battles again but I have to say that the Sega Genesis kicked a lot of ass. I played sonic the hedgehog until my eyes became so bloodshot that I had to be forced away from the tv. That is where I got hooked. Fast forward a year and I get a Super Nintendo or SNES for my uberdork techie brothers out there. So now I have to split time between the sega and the nintendo. Quite a dilemma. Nintendo had the advantage for adventure and rpg games while sega clearly had the better sports and action games. So I was ok, I had the very best of both worlds. Then 5th grade comes and like any other uber dork I read about this 64 bit machine. Nintendo markets the crap out of the Nintendo 64 and I become the first one of my group of friends to get one. I actually got one a month before christmas in sixth grade. I think Jeramy was the first one to play me in wave race. Good times. So this is where it all gets messy. Sony entered the market just prior to the release of the 64. Oh and by this time, sega is dying out FAST. The Playstation quickly took hold and dominated with superior game titles and graphics. I stood firm with nintendo playing Bond and the Griffey baseball games. That took me all the way through most of high school. Then I graduated and got some money and bought a PS2 and an XBOX. Both kick ass and I have to say that it reminds me of my Genesis and SNES days. XBOX has superior adventure and rpg games and PS2 is way better for sports games. Madden on XBOX just plain sucks balls. So now that I have set up my extensive background I will now lay out my life as a video game. I would love to go all old school like the SIERRA games and make something like CHRIS QUEST but I will stay a bit more current. The game would be an rpg with sports and action side games. You could choose characters and develop them in real time (like the sims or any other rpg) and every one of their decisions effects how they appear and how people receive them. I would be one of the characters. Each character would have an alter ego. When times get tough, the character morphs into their alter egoes and becomes more powerful, being able to kick maximum ass. Here are a few of the characters in my video game:

Caleb Heeringa/Cuddle Monster
Caleb would be the one character that everybody likes but isnt really great at anything, kindof like luigi. However, when he morphs into cuddle monster, shit hits the fan and he becomes arguably the most powerful player in the game. The problem is that he can only morph a few times as he doesn't have the stamina to stay up past 10 on weekends.

Matt Mock/Destroyer of Emo
I envision Matt's character as being the well-rounded guy, kindof like mario. His morphing isn't quite as spectacular as caleb's but Destroyer of Emo levels up much quicker and therefore can morph a lot more making him more effective. In street fighter terms I would rate him a "ken".

George Spivakov/Thunda from tha Tundra
George would be the stereotypical ladies man. Kindof like Han Solo minus the scoundrel. George would be better suited for levels where enemies needed to be persuaded rather than annihilated. The Thunda from the Tundra would be an unstoppable being of charm and wit. No boss could fight him because he is too damn smooth.

Ashley Van Oeveren/Assley Overman
Ashley would be a character you could pick up sometime during the game. She adds valuable moral and boosts confidence amongst your party. Kindof like Sonya Blade from mortal kombat. However, this fun-loving woman turns into a wicked badass bitch when attacked and is able to turn into Assley Overman a powerful being capable of hurling things long distances and then farting on them and blaming it on somebody else.

Brady Jones/The Lonely Kicker
Brady would also be a character that you would have to find furing the game. Probably after finding Ashley. He would be like Link. Always on a neverending quest to save his girlfriend. Sorry had to do that. No but he would be like Link. Except instead of a wicked sword he would morph into the Lonely Kicker and kick the crap out of his enemies with golden shoes and then celebrate with a chicken dance.

Liz Jarrard/Captain Obvious
Liz would most likely be the one girl that is close in powers to the guy characters but decides not to use them. Instead choosing the right moments to morph into Captain Obvious and use her superior intellect to confuse and belittle her opponents. Eventually causing them to die from a lack of ego.

Reagan Meyers/The Longhorn
Reagan would be the only female character that you could choose to play from the beginning of the game. She would be most like Peach from the mario games. Which means that she would be totally useless and would always get captured by the bad guy causing everyone else to drop everything and save her. However she can be effective when she morphs into the Longhorn. Similar to the Thunda from tha Tundra the Longhorn uses superior charm to bedazzle enemies and lure them into defeat.

Chris Hahn/The Raccoon
I guess I would be an all around character. Probably similar to yoshi where I wouldn't be effective at all times but I make other characters better. The Raccoon would be my alter ego. He would use his nocturnal abilities to see in the dark, rummage through garbage, and gnaw annoyingly at the ankles of his foes in order to defeat them.

coming soon...the evil characters to my life's video games.