Prepare for the Apocalypse
Mood:  hungry
Now Playing: Franz Ferdinand - This Fire
So I have been keeping my nose to the grindstone and attempting to pay attention to current events lately. I read this morning that Colin Powell is resigning. That makes two of Bush's high ranking cronies, Attorney General John Ashcroft being the other, that have stepped down after hearing of Bush's re-election. Coincidence? I think not. Ashcroft was the ultimate conservative christian. Does anyone remember that this guy lost the 2000 Missouri gubernatorial decision to a dead guy? He spent over $30,000 on drapes to cover the statue of justice's exposed breast. Do I really need to say more about this guy? Colin Powell. I used to like this guy. USED to. Before the year 2000, Powell seemed like an astute guy, I even respected him. Then he becomes a total fucking sheep and regurgitates all these bullshit lies that the rest of the administration told. I would like to think his conscience got the best of him and he realized the error of his ways. I would like to think that he decided not to go with the Bush program and Bush and his buddies kicked him out for it. I don't know. All I do know is that the people that replace Ashcroft and Powell are going to be even more conservative and crazy. Prepare for all statues being covered in overpriced linen (that is SUCH a fucking waste of tax dollars) and the state department to continue to create bigger and even more far-fetched lies about WMD's and the war on terror. GOD DAMNIT P. DIDDY WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU? Also, kudos to Matt for kicking ass in Ultimate Frisbee. I know for a fact that Brits are total sissies so he must have used his American awesomeness (along with his math/bass playing skillz) to turn those lesser wimps into totall badasses. If only the team was named the Sizzle. Although translated into Welsh, Sizzle would probably be something like Eatsbabies or New York Yankees. Either one is terrible. Stupid Brits. Well, to prove to you what matt is dealing with here I found another map. And a pic proving how much of a badass matt is.

So Matt really is dealing with a bunch of wusses. It is hard to convert an entire Island full of buggerers but Matt is doing it.

Matt is the Ultimate Badass of Ultimate Frisbee. Here he is in a game he played against a bunch of wild animals. After he snatched the frisbee away from this lameass Crocodile, he then insulted it and farted on it and made the beast make him pancakes. Truly badass.

Brady...Your secret is out
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: Franz Ferdinand - Cheating on You
So I was perousing the internets and I found this. Detailed instructions for the chicken dance. Now we can all be like drunken Brady.

Why God is a Wolverine's fan...or not
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: Jeff Tweedy - If you see her, say hello (dylan cover)
So watching today's college football events unfold today, I began wondering if something else was in control, some higher power possibly. My Wolverines, who were ranked 9th coming into today, needed some help to get into a BCS bowl. For those of you that don't know what the BCS is, it is an evil spawn of moronic NCAA officials that were too stupid to put in a fucking playoff system. The BCS ruins college football and so do the polls. But enough about my ranting and back to me explaining why god prefers wolverine fans. SO anyways, Big Blue needed help. Being 8-1 (6-0 in conference) they were ranked 9th in the BCS. Several other 1 loss teams were ranked ahead of them as well as undefeated divisio rival Wisconson. Fucking Badgers. The retarded cousin of the wolverine. Anyways. So Georgia (7-1) lost, West Virginia (8-2) lost, Michigan won handily (review later) against Northwestern, and Michigan State thumped Wisconsin. I'm talking taking them out back, tying them to a tree and beating them with a cat like Monty Python thumping. And that is bad. Trust me, cat thumpings are brutal. So all the pieces are falling into place for Michigan to go to their Holy Grail: The Rose Bowl. And I kept thinking, is this luck? Or does some higher power have a say in this? I thought about it for a minute or so and concluded that god himself favors the Wolverines. Of course, by saying this, I guarantee a Michigan loss solely because this is so blaspehmus but I'm going to say it anyways. Hail to the Victors! So yeah, on to the game review. Michigan's stud freshman Mike Hart had 150 rushing yards and 3 td's in UM's 42-20 win. Good times. Braylon Edwards became the 1st, yes FIRST reciever in Big Ten HISTORY to have 3 consecutive 1,000 yard receiving seasons. Congrats to Braylon.

So appearantly on the 6th day god created Man AND the Wolverines. However, the Wolverines have not been kicked out of their paradise (the BIG HOUSE) just yet.

Where have you gone Shawn Kemp?
Mood:  sharp
Now Playing: Super Sonics - The Presidents of the United States of America
So I have been watching NBA basketball recently (yes, I know I'm one of the few) and I have been surprised by how well the Sonics have been playing. Sure they don't have a big man and sure their fans are about as fair weathered as any in the world but these guys are fun to watch. Me personally, I hate watching basketball where they walk it up the court, throw it into the center and play an isolation game or a two man game. ITS FRIGGIN BORING! The Sonics have a bunch of athletic guys that can run, shoot and pass. They are all unselfish (which is why I will always hate Kobe Bryant being the selfish piece of crap he is) and look to help teammates out. They have spanked some of the best teams in the league: the spurs, the kings, and the suns. And they beat Toronto which is doing really well right now. But watching the Sonics, I long for the days of the Reignman, the Manchild, the Father of America: Shawn Kemp. I know he is a big tub o' lard now, but back in the day he was just like Garnett is now. Minus the cool chin fuzz and bald head. I say we bring back Kemp. Just to sit on the bench and provide an example to young players of what happens when you don't keep your junk in your pants. And because I want to relive my childhood damnit. DO AS I SAY SONICS MANAGEMENT! DO AS I SAY!
Does anyone remember how great this guy was before he gained all that weight and gave up on life? The Man Child? This guy was awesome. Bring back Kemp in '04!

Blogger's Note: Caleb, who I consider a friend is concerned about my mocking him. To borrow a line from Matt, "I mock because I love." Why else would I put you on my site in the first place? Remember, you have to be great to be made fun of and a total piece of crap to never be mentioned. I don't know who said that...maybe I just made it up but it sounds good enough. And I say three cheers for another quarter of Caleb's editorial skillz for the Western Front. Here is to hoping that one day he shall rule the liberal media. What a glorious day that will be.

Arguably the funniest site on the Web
Mood:  hungry
Now Playing: the beatles-while my guitar gently weeps
So thanks to my friend Brady from back home I have been turned on to this amazing website. I have to say that this is by far the funniest and most unique cartoons I have seen on the web. I tip my cap to this guy, he is extremely clever and an obvious master of useless knowledge.
Please go to Elephantitis of the Mind I promise you will not regret it.

And then there was the sizzle
Mood:  on fire
Now Playing: jet-cold hard bitch
So after a cancelled game due to hail and lightning last week, the sizzle returned this week and had possibly the greatest flag football game I have ever seen. If only the game was played to the NFL films music. Then it would have been an instant classic. It was a very evenly matched game, although I have to say that if it were tackle football, we would have gotten the shit kicked out of us. These guys were huge. But with typical sizzle style we used our slacker skillz to even the match. The first half was a defensive struggle. Both teams had long drives end without touchdowns. The G-Unit(our opponent)scored with about 2 minutes left in the first half. Halftime saw the Off Campus Sizzle down 6-0. The Sizzle started the second half with a long Touchdown drive with a scoring pass to Jeff Dawg and an extra point to Kyle McGillen. After another long non-scoring drive by G-Unit, the sizzle had a long drive of their own halted near the end zone. Then the sizzle kicked it into high gear defensively with two consecutive 4 and out series for G-Unit. This was matched by one scoring drive by the Sizzle with a TD pass to Chris Richards. And a missed extra point (I nearly threw an interception). Then, with time running out the Sizzle once again marched down the field and scored on a TD catch by Dave. Extra point by Chris Richards. Then under a 2-minute drill offense G-Unit went down the field and scored, but missed their extra point. Instead of running the time out like pussies, the Sizzle ran their normal offense and won the game 20-12. By far the best game I have been a part of. It was so evenly matched. Great game. Hats off to Jeff Dawg, Wes, Dave and Chris Richards my players of the game. I apologize to Kyle for not getting him the ball enough. I swear I will hit him on two deep passes next game. Or let him be QB. I want to be a reciever or something. Im no Michael Vick. Or Rick Mirer for that matter. No pictures for this post. Sorry, I'm still recovering from that video games post. That took forever.

If life were a video game
Mood:  hungry
Now Playing: nada surf - popular
So outside of work and school, I have been filling up the vast majority of my spare time with video games. I go through a phase where I will play one game for a few weeks and then like some video game hermit crab move on to find a bigger adventure. It all started way back when (cue the wavy picture effect and the dream sequence music) I got my first video game console. I remember that summer. I was 9 years old. Those were simpler days. Anyways, back to the games. So I got a Sega Genesis for my birthday. Now I do NOT want to restart the 16 Bit battles again but I have to say that the Sega Genesis kicked a lot of ass. I played sonic the hedgehog until my eyes became so bloodshot that I had to be forced away from the tv. That is where I got hooked. Fast forward a year and I get a Super Nintendo or SNES for my uberdork techie brothers out there. So now I have to split time between the sega and the nintendo. Quite a dilemma. Nintendo had the advantage for adventure and rpg games while sega clearly had the better sports and action games. So I was ok, I had the very best of both worlds. Then 5th grade comes and like any other uber dork I read about this 64 bit machine. Nintendo markets the crap out of the Nintendo 64 and I become the first one of my group of friends to get one. I actually got one a month before christmas in sixth grade. I think Jeramy was the first one to play me in wave race. Good times. So this is where it all gets messy. Sony entered the market just prior to the release of the 64. Oh and by this time, sega is dying out FAST. The Playstation quickly took hold and dominated with superior game titles and graphics. I stood firm with nintendo playing Bond and the Griffey baseball games. That took me all the way through most of high school. Then I graduated and got some money and bought a PS2 and an XBOX. Both kick ass and I have to say that it reminds me of my Genesis and SNES days. XBOX has superior adventure and rpg games and PS2 is way better for sports games. Madden on XBOX just plain sucks balls. So now that I have set up my extensive background I will now lay out my life as a video game. I would love to go all old school like the SIERRA games and make something like CHRIS QUEST but I will stay a bit more current. The game would be an rpg with sports and action side games. You could choose characters and develop them in real time (like the sims or any other rpg) and every one of their decisions effects how they appear and how people receive them. I would be one of the characters. Each character would have an alter ego. When times get tough, the character morphs into their alter egoes and becomes more powerful, being able to kick maximum ass. Here are a few of the characters in my video game:

Caleb Heeringa/Cuddle Monster
Caleb would be the one character that everybody likes but isnt really great at anything, kindof like luigi. However, when he morphs into cuddle monster, shit hits the fan and he becomes arguably the most powerful player in the game. The problem is that he can only morph a few times as he doesn't have the stamina to stay up past 10 on weekends.

Matt Mock/Destroyer of Emo
I envision Matt's character as being the well-rounded guy, kindof like mario. His morphing isn't quite as spectacular as caleb's but Destroyer of Emo levels up much quicker and therefore can morph a lot more making him more effective. In street fighter terms I would rate him a "ken".

George Spivakov/Thunda from tha Tundra
George would be the stereotypical ladies man. Kindof like Han Solo minus the scoundrel. George would be better suited for levels where enemies needed to be persuaded rather than annihilated. The Thunda from the Tundra would be an unstoppable being of charm and wit. No boss could fight him because he is too damn smooth.

Ashley Van Oeveren/Assley Overman
Ashley would be a character you could pick up sometime during the game. She adds valuable moral and boosts confidence amongst your party. Kindof like Sonya Blade from mortal kombat. However, this fun-loving woman turns into a wicked badass bitch when attacked and is able to turn into Assley Overman a powerful being capable of hurling things long distances and then farting on them and blaming it on somebody else.

Brady Jones/The Lonely Kicker
Brady would also be a character that you would have to find furing the game. Probably after finding Ashley. He would be like Link. Always on a neverending quest to save his girlfriend. Sorry had to do that. No but he would be like Link. Except instead of a wicked sword he would morph into the Lonely Kicker and kick the crap out of his enemies with golden shoes and then celebrate with a chicken dance.

Liz Jarrard/Captain Obvious
Liz would most likely be the one girl that is close in powers to the guy characters but decides not to use them. Instead choosing the right moments to morph into Captain Obvious and use her superior intellect to confuse and belittle her opponents. Eventually causing them to die from a lack of ego.

Reagan Meyers/The Longhorn
Reagan would be the only female character that you could choose to play from the beginning of the game. She would be most like Peach from the mario games. Which means that she would be totally useless and would always get captured by the bad guy causing everyone else to drop everything and save her. However she can be effective when she morphs into the Longhorn. Similar to the Thunda from tha Tundra the Longhorn uses superior charm to bedazzle enemies and lure them into defeat.

Chris Hahn/The Raccoon
I guess I would be an all around character. Probably similar to yoshi where I wouldn't be effective at all times but I make other characters better. The Raccoon would be my alter ego. He would use his nocturnal abilities to see in the dark, rummage through garbage, and gnaw annoyingly at the ankles of his foes in order to defeat them.

coming soon...the evil characters to my life's video games.

public service anouncement
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: the strokes-reptilia (look at me caleb I'm trendy)
So the Lions lost today. And Michigan didn't play yesterday. So kindof a down weekend for me football wise. So instead of continuing my ranting about how stupid the american people are or how i'm going to be moving to canada in the near future, I will begin the first in what will be several installments of what I will call "Getting to know the Michigan Wolverines." I will begin with the glory position: The Quarterback. Many great QB's have played for Michigan. And I will use this post to get rid of any controversy about which school is quarterback U. Screw Miami and BYU or any other pansy ass college that "claims" to be Quarterback U. They are just trying to fool you. Don't be stupid (and I can't stress this enough now that you voted for bush...please don't be stupid). Michigan is the true producer of quality NFL quarterbacks. Everyone of the last 8 Michigan starting QB's has played in the NFL. So without further delay, I give you some of my favorite Michigan QB's.
Drew Henson-1998-2000
The so called "golden boy." He was a highly sought after recruit coming out of high school and he chose to stay in state and play for the wolverines. He battled incumbent Tom Brady for playing time for his first few seasons and then in his only season as a starter, totally dominated. The guy has an amazing amount of athletic ability. Sadly he left prior to his senior season to play baseball for the Yankees. Thankfully he came to his senses, left the evil empire and is now playing with the Dallas Cowboys.

Brian Griese-1995-1997
This guy is on here because he wins. He has the genes (dad was QB for the Miami Dolphins teams that tore it up in the 70's). And because he was a bit of a gunslinger. The guy was solid. After losing the starting job to Scott Dreisbach in 1996, he fought back and won the job in 1997 and took what I think is the best team in Michigan history to the national title. He is now with the Tampa Bay Bucs.

Todd Collins-1991-1994
This guy was solid. It is very hard to follow up Elvis but he did a fantastic job in leading the wolverines for two years. Some people may point to the consecutive 8-4 records and say he wasn't any good. Well I say fuck off to those a-holes. This guy was good, and he was a great leader. He is now with the Kansas City Chiefs.

Elvis "the pelvis" Grbac-1989-1992
The guy that was on the throwing end of "the catch" had a pretty nice career outside of that toss to desmond howard. Before John Navarre came along it was Elvis that held the all-time record for passing yards at Michigan. The guy also led the Wolverines to 4, yes 4 consecutive Big Ten titles. THAT is why he is a great UM quarterback. I think he is out of the league right now, but he did play for the Chiefs and the Ravens.

John Navarre-2000-2003
Ok, for all the crap this guy got during his ENTIRE career, he did really well. I mean, he is the all-time leader in passing yards, tds, completions, attempts, the list goes on. He is the man statistically. I think he was an awesome leader and he proved it by being very clutch and just winning games.

Rick Leach-1975-1978
He is probably the greatest of all the Wolverine QB's. He was the starter from day one of his freshman year. He was named All-Big 10 3 times. And he was an All-American. He led the Wolverines to three straight Rose bowls. For those of you that don't know, the Rose Bowl is THE premier college bowl game and the biggest prize for any Wolverines football team. Leach took us there 3 times. He is the man.

Tom Brady-1996-1999
The california kid...with the dimple chin. He had two amazing seasons with the Wolverines. He had a tough act to follow after Griese left and he tried to take control of a championship team. He also had golden boy Henson breathing down his neck. Brady showed his penchant for clutch victories several times and still has several high ranking single game records for passing yards in a game. The guy went on to become the heir to Joe Montana's throne in the NFL as the Patriots QB. And he gets all the ladies.

Jim Harbaugh-1983-1986
Mr. Excitement. He started the current line of NFL QB's at Michigan. An All-American his senior year, he also led the Wolverines to a fiesta and a rose bowl during his career. He went on to have a great NFL career with the Bears, Colts and Chargers.

All of these great QB's share common traits. Michigan Quarterbacks are physically imposing. They are all tall and very strong armed and accurate. They are all extremely smart as well. These qualities all contribute to each one of them being fantastic leaders. Hail to the victors!

Behold the mighty Wolverine in all of its glory. Its small but its FIERCE!

I'm still waiting p.diddy...
Mood:  hungry
Now Playing: Incubus-megalomaniac (this one's for you Dubya)
So i've come to my senses after my delirious post earlier. I blame the migraine that has been dogging for 4 days now. Something is really not right with that. Don't those things go away eventually? I have never had a migraine or a bad headache for that matter. Anyways, enough of me being a pussy. I'm serious about p. diddy though. Don't be a wuss puffy, put up or shut up man. I know you are proficient with hand guns anyways. So to back up my claim earlier, I found this website to prove me right. Actually, i'm not serious about this. I like to say things like bush will lead to the downfall of society and he hates puppies but this dude takes it one step further. I thought it was going to be a joke but he is dead serious. I think it is funny. There is always a chance that it could be real. You never know. Boy will I laugh at the stupid people that voted for him when the apocalypse comes, and then I will go to hell. But it will be worth it. Just to say nah nah nah nah nah nah...ha ha ha ha ha ha (a little cartman reference there). So watching the tele last night I kept noticing how divided the country really is. Did anyone notice how the two coasts are completely different than the middle of the country? I have a theory about why people in the middle vote republican. Here it goes. So the south, the former confederacy, the midwest and I will throw in alaska. If anyone knows of jeffrey, then you know alaskans are like that one kid in school that was a little off mentally not slow or anything but what are the words im searching for here...socially inept. Yep thats it. So alaska gets a get out of jail free card for this vote. Back to the red states. I don't want to offend you people but I know why you vote republican. You never get to see water. I'm talking oceans. Fuck Florida and the carolinas. People are so dumb there that they think the gods give them hurricanes if they vote democratic. Thats my theory, not seeing major bodies of water. Utah does not count. I mean honestly, mormons, you are not fooling anyone with your cult. Anyone that is dumb enough to believe the story of the latter day saints is not worthy of being counted. Im so tired of this division in our country. We need another political party or four. Look at england and germany. More parties bring balance. We get more of a choice. And I know deep down that nobody thought bush and kerry were the best out there. Um...McCain...hello? That guy would get my vote any day. So anyways, I'm officially succeding from the union and from a breakaway republic called kerplakistan. Matt called dibs on petoria so I had to think about this one. In Mighty Kerplakistan people are free to do and say what they want. Stupid people are banned. No stupid people of any kind. None. Our national animal will be the wolverine. Maybe a three toed sloth. Either way you get a vicious badass animal that will kill in an instant. The national plant will be the cactus because fuck other plants, give me the one with thorns that is dull and boring. The national anthem will be called hippies suck and so do stupid people. I guess I would have to be king. That would mean the detroit lions would move to kerplakistan and recieve government funding to kick ass. Crazy Go Nuts University will be a fine state institution. The mascot will be the mighty dumple (see strong bad emails on homestarrunner.com). Back to my bitching. So yeah, i'm frustrated. So angry. Anyways, enjoy some photos.

So the ragin cajun james carville chills with diddy. I wonder if he sings "the D the I the D the D the Y its DIDDY...hold up". Holler.

So imagine what this must have been like. Here is what this conversation had to be like: "(BEN) So puffy no hard feelings about j.lo right? (DIDDY) Oh fo shizzle my pasty brotha. (BEN) Cool yo. I still wish I could tap that ass though. (DIDDY) Yeah I wrote two songs about her, made her poems, and sent her flowers what did you do? (BEN) I just stood there with my ginormic head and made sad faces. (DIDDY) DAMN NIGGA you really don't have any talent. (BEN) SHHHH! Don't tell anyone. People still see my movies. (DIDDY) Don't kid yourself son. You haven't been good in a movie since Dogma and that is pushin it homie. (BEN) (WHO WOULD BE SOBBING BUT LACKS THE BASIC TALENT TO DISPLAY EMOTION) oh it is so true...why must I be cursed with no talent. (DIDDY) SHHH! Don't tell anyone but I know how to get by. (BEN) REALLY! HOW? (DIDDY) Just take other people songs and put your own shitty lyrics over the beats. Then put yourself in really talented peoples songs and videos to make yourself appear more talented by association. (BEN) So this means... (DIDDY) Remake the lord of the rings and cast yourself as aragorn. Then call it Lord of the Rings: We invented the muthafuckin remix sauron! (LEO) Um...hey...remember me? I was in Titanic...highest grossing movie of all-time HELLO? Basketball Diaries? Gilbert Grape? I HAVE TALENT!

America, I want a divorce...
Now Playing: Fuck Authority-Pennywise
Puff Daddy - You have a LOT of people to kill. With all the hype around young voters and getting out to vote, once again young people proved their stereotype of being lazy and uninterested. 10% of voters age 18-24 voted. WHAT THE FUCK? If that number had been near the nation average of 54% this election would have been VERY different. I hear everyday about how much people hated bush or how much they hated kerry. 54% of eligable voters showed how they felt. Everyone else are fucking hippocrites. Put up or fucking shut up. I'm not pissed about the election. Actually yes I am. I knew Bush would win. I know that there are enough dumb people that have bought into his bullshit. He preaches moral values. Riddle me this batman? When does he FUCKING show them? Hmmm? Still waiting? Give me ONE example. Still Can't? See, I know how to win an election now. It is pretty simple. All you have to do is talk. Just talk about having moral values and religion and people will think you have values and religion because people are stupid. Bush uses faith...correction Bush abuses faith. He claims that he is religious. He claims that influences his decisions. You know what? Aren't church and state separate? Aren't we fighting people that use religion to influence their decisions? He says he talks with god. You know what. I think george bush is the anti christ. Hear me out on this one. He gets elected to a second term despite going to war(please don't argue with me on this you are wrong...trust me) on false pretenses. There are more terrorists now than there were prior to 9/11 (see state department stats). The economy is for shit. His tax cuts (and once again you are wrong if you oppose me, don't even try) didn't do SHIT. Lets scratch our own backs (rich people...kerry included) and piss on the working class. Remember trickle down economics? This proves that the american people are dumb. Trickle down. The rich get everything and whatever slips through their hands the poor can have. The trick is convincing the poor that they have the power and they trickle down onto others. But I digress. Back to my bitching. The environment. I'm NOT a fucking hippie so don't fucking call me one but jesus tapdancing christ people how can you not care about it? Bush is the worst...WORST president EVER of all-time in history when it comes to the environment. This isn't even close. People this isn't a petty protest issue, this is a human life issue, a quality of life issue. My hat is off to bush for doing other things to distract the public from the environment and making people that call him on it seem like evil unhappy people. Well George I am unhappy, and if you want evil, wait until you try to reinstate the draft. Thats when shit goes down. Thats when the canadian population increases astronomically in the 18-25 age group. I have decided to become a politician once a graduate and make some money or marry a rich woman. I mean if W can get elected TWICE I can get office somewhere. GOD DAMNIT people. What the hell is wrong with you america? Why are you so stupid? Why is there such a herd mentality? Why do christians feel obligated to vote for bush? Seriously, this is pissing me off. Christians...and I need to be careful not to offend 3 billion people here...pull your heads out of your asses. How do you equate being a caring, good, honest person (which is just some of the great things about christianity and religion in general) with HAVING to vote for bush? I have heard so many christians say that they have to be good christians and vote for bush. I can't even form a coherent sentance that expresses the vast amount of anger/rage/and disgust I feel when I hear something like that. Where in the bible does it say to vote for bush? Since when do christians associate with republicans? Remember that guy Jesus? He was a decent guy right? Remember how he totally rebelled against the establishment? How he wanted change? How he voiced his opinion about it? How he did something about it? How he preached peace and love for your fellow man? Isn't what he did and preached the basic foundation of christianity? Does any of that sound like republican ideals? Does it sound like anything that bush has done? Um, just to help you out here the correct answer is NO! So how do christians follow this guy and this party? Please tell me. Aren't church and state separate? What the fuck is going on here people? Please tell me. Please.