Happy Birthday to me
Haha! Im 17 today but I'd also like to wish Happy Birthday to my mate Trent, who I couldnt call on his birthday because there was no power and my phone was dead, gotta love trailer parks.

17, I can see the wrinkles creeping up on me already. Is that crows feet I see?

Your only 17 once and since the lovley people Im staying with have a bird, Ive gotta dress up like a pirate for the rest of the day. Sound like fun rite? ( yer, maybe when you were 5 or 6 ) . Maybe Ill just buy enough lego to build myself a life sized fort instead? OR I could go and sniff a line of coke off a hookers arse?

Anyway,
Happy Birthday Trent, Dont worry man, Ill jump out of a cake for you.

Bus's, gotta love them
Thats the last time i attempt to use public transport again.

I left QLD with the insane ramblings of a man dressed as a pirate smoking pot. "The FBI man, there after my turtle shell and feathers man, its all because I have more power than the man in white house man" Jesus christ, some people. Not even my own conspiracy theorys of coffee can compete with such insite. "The FBI is just trying to break my heart, there watching me , 24/7, every fucking day of the year, its because I know that the first Americans where Chinese but they dont know that im going to kill all the non-believer's"

I told him I had to get some fresh air and took all my belonging and hastfuly ran around the corner and waited for my bus's to pick me up. I could still hear him yelling at people as they walked past tho, "This is jesus's land! " .

I need some pepper spray.

Alien Blood
OK, its still early in the morning but I thought I'd start writing about last night. Started off with me creating what I now refer to as "Alien Blood" ( aptly named because it has the same effect on steel and floor panels that Alien blood does from the movie Alien). Alien blood is made from 2 Litres of vodka mixed with 3 cans of red bull. Yes, it does hurt you. Yes it turns your stomach. Yes it gets you off your face. I will NEVER drink that again ( offer expires the start of 2005 ). Somewhere between the shot number 5 and 6 I realized how wasted I realy was. Still, good fun tho, heaps of bruises and scratches on me. But when you stop and look back and realize that your been an arsehole the whole night and you got realy trashed, isn't THAT the most important thing? I even came out of the night with a lesson ;
Morale of the story : Alien Blood is awesome!

Maybe you dont have a boyfriend because your a slut.
Arrrrgh! I cant stand it any longer, stop asking me why you dont have a boyfriend, step back, take the dick out of your mouth and look at yourself. Maybe, just maybe, the reason you dont have a boyfriend is because your a complete whore and gives handjobs in the back of under 18's dance clubs for cans of drink?! No self respecting male will out with you people they're not idiots, they know of STD's. Males, myself included, would rather open mouth kiss a homeless person than even hold your hand. Fuck you slut.

My Trip
Yep, I'm going to NSW for 2 weeks *cheers from QLD people everywhere* . Going to be awesome, catch up with old mates, see my angel as well. Worst thing about NSW (besides the people that drive Datsun's's *shudder* ) is the bus trip there. Last time I have the pleasure of sitting next to Australia's fattest or second fattest man alive. Jesus Christ, I thought his arse was going to consume my left leg! Not fun at all, I didn't sleep the whole trip out of fear that his arse was going to rape my leg. I should have brought music. This time I'm going prepared, no bathing from now on till I get to NSW. Yep, thats gross but drastic times call for drastic measures, this way, no one will want to sit next to me, ill get a seat to myself and I can sleep and stink all I want the whole trip. Good idea ay?

Jamie's newest game
Have you ever seen people in there work uniform while your shopping, with obnoxious signs on there shirt it says something like " ASK ME ABOUT OUR SPECIAL DEALS ON KFC GREASY CHICKEN" . I hate these shirts. If my boss asked me to wear something like that I'd have to choice but to knock him out, sleep with his wife and defile his home and all his possessions. Anyway, back to my game. My favorite thing to do at the moment is ask the people wearing those stupid shirts about there offers and promotions that no one gives a fuck about. When they start to tell me about whatever it they're payed poorly to do, I stand there, arms folded with a massive grin on my face, way to big for someone that gives a fuck to make. They know that I don't care but they have to keep telling me there bullshit story. As soon as there done I scream "SERIOUS!?".
Yer i know, its pathetic but it makes me laugh.
Morale of this bullshit : My boss's wife slept with me.

New years eve
Yep, the biggest drinking event of the year is only 24 hours away people. Now I'm not the type to drink irresponsibly *ahem* but it seems to me that its going to be one the best night of the year and I cant even spend it with my girlfriend, FUCK. Oh well, I guess ill just have to kiss Trent at the strike of midnight instead. I've come up with the best idea that Ive ever had the fortune of conjuring, thank you brain, i knew there was a good reason i kept you around. My idea is to fill a camelbak full of booze, anyone that doesn't know what a camelbak is should be shot but I'll go ahead and inform you before I call the firing squad. A camelbak is like a plastic bag you wear on your back with a hose coming out of it that you stick in your mouth. Ingenious invention. Means ill premix all my drinks for that night and pour it directing into my camelbak. Good idea ay? If i see anyone else with a camelbak full of booze I'll have no choice but to attack you. I'd feel the same way a great serial killer does when someone does a copycat and I'll react similarly. Speaking of which, wouldn't it be a good idea to actually kill people with cereal? What a dope idea Jamie. You could kill people with a box of cereal, is there anything more skillful? Thats right, there's not.
Morale of this rambling : Cereal is murder

Apparently Child abuse isnt funny.... go figuire
I was talking to my boss today, he was telling me what life was like where he lived. That kids where made to serve food at dinner and werent allowed to eat until the adults where done. He also told me about how your perants could beat you over the head with something like... .say .. a chair, for being a rotten shit. I said to his disgust "yer, child abuse is funny"

He didnt seem to think so

He showed me where his mother had stabbed him in the face. Not a good choice of words Jamie, not a good choice at all........
He probley had it coming.

If you have red hair, your probley a slut.
I hate generalizations, people generally do though but if you have red hair its a good bet that your a slut and your mother is most likely a whore. Your probably realy insecure and you should be because in all honesty, you could be replaced by a pet rock. The pet rock wouldn't fuck around like you do, it makes better decisions and quite frankly, its more interesting than you'll ever be. The pet rock smells and looks better than you ever will. Even if you do the obvious thing and dye your hair, I'm sorry, but the pet rock would still kick your arse in a beauty contest. This is because you look like you were bludgeoned with a rock. Since a pet rock is in all aspect of life, superior than you, do me and the world ( and pet rocks ) a favor. Kill yourself.

I know your probably sitting there, playing with your dyed hair thinking "This guy is wrong, I'm kool, my mother always said I was kool so it must be true! fuck this guy, I'm going to go and suck someones dick till i feel better". I know you are. Your not just offensive to look at, you make the world sadder to live in. If your born with red hair, you should be shot from a rocket into the sun.

Morale of the story : Pet rocks are awesome

Fire, whats with that word and me?
Fire, Fired, Fireworks.
That word has a horrible way of connecting itself to me.

I'm at work so ill try and make this quick.
Before i left NSW i was like 11 and my mum and dad left me home alone, yep, all good movies start this way.

I decided to fuck them, and cook my own dinner, just some chips. So i put oil on the stove and waiting for it to heat up. Now, ignoring all advice giving to me up to that point i walked away from the stove and went and played games. Yep, big mistake.

The oil heated up alright, started a massive fire in the kitchen, my dad was home by then, he eventually put the fire out but just the weekend before I used all the extinguisher to freeze grass, sounded like a good idea at the time, by the way, i recommend trying to freeze grass, its heaps of fun.

Anyways, the ending of the story is pretty funny, i freaked out, as one would, ran deep into the bush and sat there crying for like 6 hours.
OK, maybe its not that funny.

Why arnt I fired yet?
Serious, theres nothing I can do to get fired. I came to work, an hour late, my boss said nothing to this. As soon as I got there I rang up Holly, started talking to her, and again he doesnt say anything to this. THEN I fall asleep for about 15 minutes, Im pretty sure I was snoring loudly but nothing was said. This is insane. Tomorrow im going to have to try and seduce his wife, maybe THAT will get a reaction out of him.

Long Distance
Do long distance relationships work? Everyone give me your comments on this.

ants?! ANTS!
I left out a funny story from today that slipped my mind I guess, or maybe I wanted to forget.

I left Mango's early in the morning, about 6 and went to the supermarket as there was a bus stop nearby. Of course I failed to realize that buses probably dont come that early. So, I called my ex, she might be going towards where I work. I called and she said I could have a lift, I dont think she was very happy about me waking her up at 6:30 tho.

She wasn't coming to pick me up for an hour and a half so I decided to sleep, yep, sleep, underneath the phone box. At 6:30am. So I feel asleep only to wake up 30 minutes later feeling little movements all over my face and chest. I wiped my hand across my face to find.... ANTS! I jumped up, banged my head on the phone box, started screaming and cursing loudly, swatting at my face with both hands whilst trying to tear my shirt off as quickly as possible. It was crazy. Theres always a moral to the story, this one is dont pour fizzy drink next to you and fall asleep even if you are realy bored at 6:30am

Abuse
I was bored on my bus trip back to Mango's place so i took Mango's phone and decided to text some people.

I chose a name out of his directory and started texting.

Jamie : Hey *name removed*, come to Mango's party tonight
Girl : My boyfriend has to drive me home, so if he can come then I'll go.
Jamie : sure, as long as he doesn't mind you giving me head.
Girl : Well, he just got out of court ( how do you just get out? its not a sleep over, of course you get out of court ) so he's pretty grumpy.
Jamie : realy? well then, I sentence your boyfriend to kiss my arse.
Girl : He's going to kick your arse
Jamie: If i win will you give me head?
Girl : Whats your name and how old are you?
Jamie : my names James, I'm 16 , I like slow dancing, long walks along the beach and kissing in the rain.
Girl : well i dont. You wouldn't say all that if you knew my boyfriend
Jamie : dont worry, I heard you give crap head anyway, your boyfriend was telling me about it.
Girl : fuck you.
Jamie : OK

Morale of the story, this girl gives crap head.

SERCURITY!!!!!
Honestly, what sorta society do we live in where I'm threatened by a fucking fast food slut?!

I was at pacific fair, one of my favorite places to be. This is because of one thing, Point Blank 2, possibly the greatest game ever. But thats not realy important to the story. I was ordering some food when I accidentally knocked down a "CAUTION : FLOOR WET" sign.

I told the girl that was serving me I had killed her sign. She gave me a blank look , the same look when you tell your 6 year old cousins where babies realy come from. I tried to explain it to her in words she could understand " I " i said, pointing to myself. "killed" I said as i drew a line across my throat. "your" I pointed at her , " sign" i said as i pointed at the fallen sign on the ground.

She caught on.

"dont worry" she said casually . "I'll just call security" and smiled in a way that made me want to hit her with the recently deceased sign.

So there you go, killing a sign is now a crime, punishable by vicious beating by security.

To killing a sign in the first degree, how do you plead Jamie?

Oh man Im slack.
My aunt is blind
I say to her "Nice to SEE you again Aunty"
she didnt think it was so funny

why Jamie is the worst employee ever
Today I show up to work, which was pretty nice of me I thought. I stumble into work ,my breath wreaks of alcohol, I try not to breathe anywhere near the smokers just in case I become some sort of fire hazard. My boss asks me "Jamie? whats with the sunnies?"
I reply "nothing....."
He replies " where you on the piss last night Jamie? your breath smells like petrol"
I'm angered at his accusations, how dare he even consider me of such things?! who does he think i am?!
I tell him "look, I dont drink, I just had a rough night"
"oh" he starts " what was her name?"
"arrrgh!" I yell "too many questions! I'm getting coffee"

I return from the coffee shop, I have a tray with 3 coffee's, 4 can's of V and 2 redbull's.
My boss smiles at me and says "That was nice of you Jamie, getting everyone coffee"
I quickly correct him "yer right, this is my recovery kit, get your own coffee old man"

Does this sound strange to anyone else?
Today I got off work early, something I was VERY happy about, the thought of more naked old women was making my stomach churn much in the same way that the cream I ate the other night did.

So with the spare hour I had left I went and visited a second hand book store. I love old books, Ive got a soft spot for them, something about old literature that attracts's me.

I was browsing through the different selections, military, sports, science fiction gay male fantasy.... wait.... did that sign just say "Gay Male Fantasy"???

Yep, thats right, not only are there gay male fantasy books but there's a whole fucking section devoted to them! holy shit!

So what did I do? well I bought a few for starters. HAHA! Just kiding. ... I bought heaps.

why Jamie cant get an erection for years.
My day turned from boring, to great, to sexually, mentally and visually horrible.

I was doing the usual stuff, designing a few cards and what not when an 18 year old and her mother came in. They wanted some calendars done. No problem. BUT she told me that they have some "sensitive" pictures they wanted on them.

I'm thinking "Yes! this hot 18 year old its giving me naked pictures, thank the lord I'm going to make a few copies of this!"

But I was wrong, so very wrong......
The naked pictures where of her mother and her work colleges. They're ages exceeded 70 in some cases. Thats fucked up. Some things just weren't meant to be, one of which is a 67 year old, straddling a chair with a "FOR SALE" sign on her breasts, smoking thru a smoking extension like Cruela Devil.
Ive got no chance of a sex life for years to come, thank you digital cameras!

Sobriety, ill drink to that!
This is just a quick look into my alcoholism that used to consume my life. I remember when I was 13 I went to my godfathers 60th. It was pretty fun, I played blackjack with my little cousins and cheated like Paris Hilton. I remember repeating a line under my breath the whole night, "fools and there money" . Anyway, that night was the first time I ever realy had anything to drink. Was a pretty fun night. I even avoided the idea of ripping my clothes off and body slamming my godfathers cake.... yer , that was probley for the best.

That night was probley the start of something horrible. Soon after I got back from that party I was invited to my mates 13th birthday. His perants where the most leanent perants I've ever met. Theres something that seems realy wrong now that I look at night that, perants BUYING 13yr olds alcohol. I split a bottle of vodka with a friend. The split was pretty one sided as I drank more than 80% of it. I met one of my girlfriends that night. She had a bottle of the cheapest, nastiest alcohols you could purchase. Passion Pop, evil stuff. If you ever need a cheap paint thiner, Passion Pop could well be a good choice. Needless to say, when you mix Passion Pop with a 13yr old girl, the effects arnt going to be good. She vomited 4 times that night. Ahahaha, and I ended up going out with her, nice choice Jamie. What can I say? I must have a weak spot for girls that smell like vomit? Glad to see I grew out of that.

That wasn't the biggest dive I took, incomparision to what I've done, thats not even the tip of the iceberg.

One of the worst things I did was getting trashed every week end for a year. I would go to the movies with little bottles of alcohol filling my pockets and shoes. Ahahaha. Man, not good times at all.
So everyone raise there glasses to sobriety! I'll drink to that!