laying it all on the line
Mood:  sad
lets see whats new.... yea i am sad.... this is turning into a blog of nothing but bitching..... but hey where else am i going to fucken rant... got no good friends i can talk to.... i do but they are 5200 kms away..... so yea... whats new...... been thinking alot lately about my past.... past relationships more so...... come to find out i was in how u say LOVE 4 times..... bev jessica amber and shawna..... now i took a deeper look at these then... bev well 2 year.... but she was older.. found out screwing around on me.... but i never had the feeling of the relationship going further..... so she is out..... now jessica... that was something like 3 months.. but in those 3 months wow.... alot happens... fell fast.... shit... i was suprised... from ONT though... that should explain alot..... but she didn't want to live in a trailer... well that was my future plans... story pending... or just fucken ask.... pretty stupid really... now... AMBER... that was WOW..... i feel in love with her from a dam picture... what can i say.... then we met.... fuck.... what the hell happened there.... it was awsome for oh lets say 18 months... then the last 6 months or so went to fuck.... dont know what the fuck happens but i have no regrets what so ever in that... hell we lived together with her daughter and all.... i actually loved ALL that shit.... but wrong timing i guess.... and now shawna.... what the hell can i say there... i was so dam persistent with her.. meeting her getting to know her... then poof we were together.... temp lived with her for a bit with her 2 kids.. everything was going awsome. i could see some future with us... then it went to shit fast..... almost as fucken fast as we met and got close.... guess that was my own stupidity....come to find out she was bored with me and had to find the happiness else where ..... a so called friend of mine... NICE eh......where am i going with all this ... well anyone who might come across this horse shit babbling on i call a blog.... well..... i have come to the conclusion that my life is set in the path it is going to go... i worked hard for my training in what i do.. my career is taking off like a wild fire in california.... and well my love life going anywhere just like always... find someone things go great.. i treat them like a million bucks then poof they either cheat on me.... me of shit i dont do.... or just find some stupid excuse why they dont want to be with me.. but its looking like the cheating part rules so what is my remedy of all of this..... jump in 2 feet first and come out punching..... if someone is left standing guess they might be the one..... i am fucken 30 years old... no kids.. dont smoke... good job... like wtf..... what is it so difficult to find someone that wants to enjoy being with me... but noooooo its all about who they can fuck... how much they can get outa the next guy i mean money.... and all about the drama.... see me.... i give a rats fucken ass about that shit..... i just NEED.. yea u read it right.. need someone to sit by my side.. listen to my hopes dreams.. .. history everything about me.. cause as of right now i have so much to offer.. i am ready to settle down been ready for years now... prob when i had met amber.... i new... the whole bar scene for me... running around meeting women taking them home.. not for me... gawd... just nice to have someone call up and say hey.... i love you.... and hear the silence on the other end cause they know you mean it and a faint whisper back.. love you to.... really that is all i need.... yup need.... i have my family... and they getting any younger.... dads 65 mom is 60 and i dont know how much longer ill have them around..... all i can do is pray they can be there if at all it does happen the day i can stand at the end of the isle while the women i love comes walking down to me.... i have made some big steps in my life and i know my folks are proud of me.... made a move to better my self mentally and finacially and now all i need is to find someone that can better my self for LIFE.... how come we look back on our parent and grand parents and say oh they were together for 25 and up years .. awww... but now fuck people cant stay together for more than 6 fucken months.... like wtf..... always looking for something better..... me no.. i can adapt to the one i love in more way than i know.... i love being the family man.. i love having kids around.... watching them grow up..... and what not but fuck..... dam near to atain... i know not that approachable of a guy.. i dont smile much i know.. i try my hardest.. maybe i can get some surgery for that haha.... all i say is give me 3 nights of your time u will find out more about me than u will the average in 6 months....i am not looking for a super model.... i am not looking for a sugar .. give a rats ass if we lived in a dam tent ... i just want to be happy... happy with the one i am with.. knowing i can talk to her when ever i feel i need to and want her to know the same in return.... i want to be able to say hey..... and they just look at me and say ... i love you to with out having to say it... i am a deep and person.... given a little bit of time people can see that... i herd every fucken line in the book when i was with someone... i will fight to keep you... i will never let u go.... i want to die beside you..... all fucken lies..... i want someone that can look me in the eye..... not say a word..... and then know everything will be ok.... and the future looks great...... well i think that is enough ranting and bitching for this day..... time to try and get a move on.. get some ambition and do something with my life...
good bye my pasts
Ry

another fucken relationship gone all to fuck
Mood:  down
well its been a few days now... not much changed.. still in the shock mood .... stil cant believe what the fuck happened..... why the hell was i so dam blind to that whole shit..... and to think i did love her.... hum..... i guess i will just have to resort to locking up my heart to no body... no one worth giving it to really.. when u feel there is something they rip it outa your chest and put it threw a meat grinder.... like wtf... and now... still wondering if she was fucking that prick while we were together... like wtf does he have... just a moron as all i can see.... and she posts.... that he was right there in front of her and she didnt see..... gawd.. how lame.. just shows that she is so full of lies and shit.... but why am i raving on stil.... that is the confusing part.... guess after a kick in the nuts like that u just feel u lost all hope in anything.... trust of friends.. trust in a relationship.... trust in anything.... sorta makes nothing worth working for dosent it really.... i guess all i can do is take one step at a time... and keep moving.... and not turn back for NOTHING... NO ONE... and especially HER..... just wish i could get that 8 month of my life with HER back... but that isnt going to happen... what a fucken waste of energy... trying to work it out with her... and all... and to think i thought something of her.. gawd..... ok enough is enough.... i need a REAL woman one who KNOWS what she wants and isnt afraid to go for it.. especially with ME..... i have the world to offer so its the one i meets call if she wants to rule the world with me.
signing off
still fucked up
shocked
and dissapointed with life and some people in it
Ry

real kick in the NUTS
Mood:  blue
So had an interesting couple months... see last post I don’t remember what I put exactly.... but well split up with Shawna in December... and we got talking in January..... Then back together... BIG FUCKEN MISTAKE.... nothing changed all I seen was her balling and whining about wanting to be with me and bitchin about money…..not willing to change or deal with her issues... ... nothing changed... everything stayed the same..... I guess I just lost patience and fell out of love with her..... If she isn’t willing to deal with her issues and face those straight on... nothing I can do....can’t beat it into her..... So I had to call it quits..... See so we kept on each others msn..... Try to be civil since we have a lot of common friends..... but guess that doesn’t matter... see she threaten me about my 700$ she owes me... said if I remove her off msn I wont see a cent... how mature... well a valentines day came around.... she was going... and I was gong.. So she accused me of FOLLOWING HER... what a fucken joke... she been partying around and it was the first thing in some time...for me... but oh well so had this friend that wanted to go.... just so happened to be female.... what’s the deal... she wanted to go to a POF event.. And didn’t know anyone... so whats the difference.... guess when i showed up shawna got all bent outa shape... guess she didnt like that.... what can i do.. Not allowed to have new friends she seams to be ok with flirting with everyone around..... So be it..... Yea headed up to Edmonton for the night sat... big valentines party put on by a friend of mine.... great times... thought I could go have fun hang with my old buddies... everything was gong good.. Even thought maybe I could be civil to her... maybe see how she is doing and all..... but what do ya know... back stabbing friend... standing there watching them make out on the dance floor... slimy fucker I call him....good job I bought her outfit so she looked good…. and well she... a whore that is how I can describe it right now... shows a lot of the type of woman she is.... all she needs and wants is her legs in the air typical... should have fucken seen it long ago…. Man am I stupid…..just wonder how long it was going on when we were together.... thought something was up.... time to just start going with my GUT feelings...... am I pissed yes.. am I bitter yes... for not seeing all this shit long ago.... be with someone for like what 6 months and they don’t talk about anything in their past... must be some secrets they are hiding..... Any who... yea so this so called friend MATT ... who knew me and her... and someone i USED to trust talked to me about her was a concerning friend.... goes and makes out on the dance floor infront of me... NICE... guess no more.... what do ya do eh...... not much.... want to play dirty games.... picked the wrong fucker for that match.......guess in my books all I see that is a WHORE.... plain and simple.... good ridden to ya BITCH...... have a nice life... and GOOD LUCK. Cause you’re going as fuck need it....
Signing out.... bitter pissed off and HURT.....
Time to rethink what I want in life....... boy this sucks
Bye for now
Ry

the new year
well now... just browsed quickly at my last post... lots happened since then... well not with shawna no more... to many issues she has.... i wont go into details but she isnt ready to settle down and enjoy life outside of partying.... enough said.... with that... had a good conversation with my ex.. amber.. which was really nice really... found out she had crappy luck with school... but i am sure she will come threw it fine.... also... spent wayyyyyy to much for x mas again.... but its all good... nice to be able to get stuff people really want..... as for x mas.. spent that alone.... as i wasent talking to her still... that is fine just relaxed watched some movies and what not.... and new years was ok.. till around 1150... alot of past things came back to mind so i left the bar... then went back after all that crappy sappy shit.... just didnt need that shit.... enough about that.. what have i done.. well was up to banff this past weekend which was nice... went and partied with denis from PEI which was fun.. then went and seen my buddy mike in his band.... fun stuff... but other than that didnt do to much since she didnt like to do anything but party.... so pretty much took me down with her..... this is going to change.. i gota do the stuff i want before i die.... as in travel canada again this summer.. i am sure.... good ole solo traveling again.. sorta clears a persons mind... and this year ill be driving in style.. oh yea for my 30th birthday i got me a brand new fucken 2006 ram 1500 crew cab... i love it.. then got a 6x10 trailer for work... love that to... so my carear is finally taking off.. where it should be..anyways i gota try and write more into this thing... maybe someday ill look back and see how fucken foolish i was about the stupid choices i made..... oh well... anyone who reads this.. take care.... and happy new year.. even though mine sucked.... but i got a big list and i going to fill it.... watch out world...

its been awhile... maybe not long enough
So its been sometime now that i had posted anything.. i dont even know what i posted.... something about heading home... prob... anyways.. things have been going fairly good other than a few isues but i wont mention here.. haha...so yea i drove home... what an experience.. i say for anyone that knows me and hvent taken the drive accross canada.. and u like to drive... DO IT... well worth the drive.. makes ya look at things alot different.. how beautiful our country is... and how large it is... its awsome :).... so yea i drove home all 4900 kms my self... stoped in ONT to visit with Shawna's folks.. oh yea that is my GF she rocks :D... been together now for about 9 weeks... but feels like 3 years... how crazy things go eh and her kids are pretty cool to :)
so yea back to heading home... long drive i arrived home on wed.. mom dad and terry were there to greet me... funny it was actually nice to see them when i got home... so i rested up on wed and thrus i headed out on the town ... visiting around and what not... but fri i was off to down to c town for the festival of lights. that was just interesting... met up with the cuz down there... and well.... i got smashed... had a few before we left.. but as soon as i got there... whatcha know who the hell ran up to me and expected me to just give em a hug.... anyone who knows me knows who this is... that was just not good.. fine say hi... but dont hug me and say welcome home after all the heart ache i went threw.... i guess i just didnt want that to happen.. anyways after that i headed to the ticket tent... 90$ worth of tickets later 20 to be exact... well put it this way... i had 3 left when i got back to the hotel.. and i also stoped off at st james gate.... e gad i was sooooooo ficken smashed it was unreal.. back to the hotel alone... missing shawna like crazy... so i called her in a drunken stuper... that is what she told me but i dont remember... any who... think got crazy that week.. shawna actually quit her job.. got a new one and told them she is heading to PEI for 2 weeks... she flew down and spent my trip on PEI with me... that was awsome :D.... we had a blast.. she showed up on sat and watched the fireworks in c town they rocked.... and then headed down to the show on sun... i guess we were both really tired and stuff she was jet lagged and all.. so we left early to head back to the hotel.... so the following week we toured around PEi for a few days... north cape... south shore near union corner... that was awsome.. i found her a sand dollar after looking for 2 hours yeash.. what a guy has to do... haha... we went down to chelton beach... got some sun... which was nice... didnt make it to cavendish other than when me her terry and the kids headed to that new park.. its ok.. not no rainbow valley though... but was nice to see the kids and i gotsome pics.... pics are awsome... so on monday we headed back to PEI.... drove for 23 straight hours and made it into Ste saint marie to visit her folks and suprise her kids.. they thought she was in calgary... so when they woke up they seen me.. but they new i was going there.. so i told them there was a suprise in teh bedroom for them that i got.. hahaha... they tackled shawna.. and her daughter started to cry... was pretty sweet to see them so suprised..so we stayted there for 2 nights to rest up. see around the town and visit with her family.. it was nice :).. ill go back another time i am sure... so on the thrus afternoon we headed the other half of the trip back to calgary.... yeash 2900 kms to go...
we stopped just before the manitobia border and tented it for the night.. and got up at like 6 and drove straight on threw.. arrived in calgary 12 on fri night... this was a week ago now.... what a drive... she drove i drove we drove each other nuts.. haha not really but it was nice... so now i am back in calgary looking at some crazy ideas now.. got a wicked job.. making tonnes of money and a great company to work for... i think things are finally going to be good for me and shawna... i am somewhat considering buying a house out here.. along with buying the house back home if things go ok for me.... but we will see in the next few weeks... rent is crazy and its prob actually cheeper to buy and possiably sell in a couple years and make money.... but yeash the cost of the houses.. avg of 300,000 .... but what can ya do eh...
so yea that is what i been up to .... in a nut shell... glad i went home to visit people.. but really glad to be back out here also... finacially this is the place for me to be.... im glad i made the step to come out here... i just might be calling calgary my home now....
so cheers for now
ill be updating again sometime
anyone who reads this take care
and keep in touch

24 more days
wow some interesting stuff happening... i met someone... a wonderful lady friend :D... she rocks.... spent lots of time with her reciently to see how things go and they are going great :).... her kids are awsome to.... Shawna is her name... orginally from ONT... but livin in Calgary now.... so i dunno what i am up to for the next few months.... maybe stay here in calgary or edmonton dunno yet... but i know i am heading back out this way... some of it for her most cause of me cause i need the money and work is good out here..... so yea.... 24 more days till we hit the long road back to PEI me and jp are gettin excited.... cant wait to see everyone and have LOTS and LOTS of drinks :D... its gunna be a blast the festival of lights that is.... wicked line up.... so now i been stressing a bit cause of some stuff back home... the folks are finding it tough with the bills and such and the topic of buying the house came up.. again... yeash i gota deside what i wanna do now... i want the house.. but i want to get my bills sorted out first... what to do what to do oh well what can ya do right.. just take it one day at a time..
well gota run..
relax
god bless
cheers
RY

time flys when your having... er... some fun
so i am counting the days really.. till i get to leave to head home... lets see how many is it....something like 43 more days till we are on the road to PEI i cant wait really... but lately this livin in a hotel is gettin to me... 3 hotels in like 6 weeks.. drives me insane.... i wish i was back home sittin in my house relaxing or working on my truck.. oh well.... so alot has happened i guess.. every day i get a wicked view of the mountains... that is about all that is good about this job project.. its nothing but headaches and crap like that... but what can ya do right... hopefully stick it out till we leave.... so i met a shit load of people from calgary.. alot of them are in on my picture page of edmon and areas.... met some lovely ladies.. met some crazies... met one that well.. she just gives me that feeling but i think things are way to complicated..... typical situation for me i guess.. find someone i actually can say i like and well they arent even interested... er well i dont konw if they are.. she is what ever... another day in the life of Ry..... so yea.. i miss home miss my cuz and all the gang.. was nice last week katie was out visitin friends and we hung out.. also denis is out here.. and he hung out to.. nice to spend time with family again... a person dosent relize now much they miss certain people untill they are not just there.....
miss everyone back home
see ya all soon
cheers
Ry

i gota be F'in insane
what the heck is wrong with me.... every time i see a pic a vision or get a feeling i go about 4 years backward... wtf is up with that... i work 12hrs a day but stil i find a moment to get these feelings screwing with me.... why is that so.. jeese.. really does anyone else have this prob or ever herd of it... i just cant seam to push it aside what so ever... what does it take to just relize its done.... :S but then again is it... man oh man... well i have no idea really... its just plain difficult... the onlyh thing i have these days to keep me going is the ablity to get my bills paid off or paid down... its slowing happening... and another thing is to visit PEI once again soon... will be 7 months since i set foot on that wonderful red soil... the first of july i hope to be home for the festival of light but we will see.... first time since highschool i will actually have time off.... how do u say road trip me and JP its going to be interesting... no rules.. no worries.. just two guys who have alot on their minds to sort shit out... thats about it... he is excited and so am i really... get to see my cuz's and all my new friends i met before i left.. just have to plan things wisely is all ... but it wil happen... who knows what will happen between now and when i get home.. maybe i will see things more clearly and be settled with things.. maybe not... all iknow is i wish i could go back in time and do things differently... but untill someone makes a time machine i guess i have to deal with the crap i done in the past... well nite for now.. gettin late well sorta is but not 3 hours time difference..
cheers
god bless
good nite
good morning
and see ya all soon
Ry

some days
well here i am... made it to calgary.. oh joy oh blyss.... interesting first week.... 3 rooms of our guys had to leave the hotel... some messed up problems.. one they moved 2 guys into another room and lost apparently ... their food... messed up but oh well guess its sorted out...oh well not my problem... plus alot of friggen crap going on at work... why do i always seam to be the go to guy when things are messed up royally... why... jeese... why cant people have some common sence and look at what they are doing make things safe and do it once... UGGGGGGGG.. sometime i just wanna leave.... i soooo wanna be back on the island its sickening... i met alot i mean ALOT of great friends i truly trust... but jeese all my shit is back home... everything i know :S... im still finding it hard being here.. so far away.... most people on the crew are from BC or closer... they dont have far to go.... aw wel.... i guess i am just a bit depressed today.. thinking about alot of past experiences... and wishing i could ride my mind of these.. they are starting to be a burden on me... every time i spend a few moment alone... with out any distractions they all come back.... its very mentally draining....someday i might be able to forget all these painfull memories and look at it as great experiences.... wow... im just messed up tonight :S.... i wanna go out alone and just get drunk but who konws where ill end up ..... or maybe i should.... :S.... dunno really..... well just gota say anyone who reads this from the Isle and knws me well i miss everyone i know greatly and i will be home in due time... just gota sort shit out.
cheers
peace out
god bless
Ry

will it ever end
well i dont know what is up with me.. my mind is playing some nasty tricks on me now... wtf is up with that... i go to the bar and i see someone.. dammit i think its her... i almost loose it... then find out its not.. no chance of it being her.. but jeese it scares me... happens every dam time i go out... but wow... sometimes i pray and wish it was her... call me crazy i guess... is it worth having so many people call me nuts or crazy for even wanting to think of being back with her again.. is this normal... i do not know any more.... like mom said i seams to be liking it out nere.. not so negative any more.. guess its the money... stressless so far.... but back to that thing.. wow... i misss so much of her.. the way she lookd at me when we did go out to a bar and no one new we were together... when she came in from shoveling the car out and her face all red and her hair messy.... these are the things i think about.. along with all the memories i had with her... back of trucks bedford highway... the pools at EYES.... moncton trip.. soooo much... ever last thing i miss about her..... so many things about the little one to.... i just hope these feelings will pass... i am absolutely usless to anyone until i can get over these feelings.. if i even will.....4 months and ill be 30 wow... no married.. no kids.... nothing has changed since highschool.... its really starting to bother me.... 4 years ago i thought i would be married settled down by now or what not..... but wow.. what a speed bump i hit... now with relationship stuf i am at my lowest... i cant even look at a nice woman and say wow... she is awsome.... dont get no feeling of hey i wanna see this girl again really soon.... just not there.... :S... it keeps going back to her... uggggggg...... welll i must run pack up my crap and head down to calgary for a party then work for bunch of weeks hopefully make some awsome cash.... so i am out here
peace out
god bless
Ry