So now that I've had the surgery, how has my life changed?

Where to begin?....

There are several things that happen to you once your body starts to shed the pounds.  And there are several things that start to happen that aren't necessarily physical, but emotional as well.

But before I go any further, let me just say that what I'm about to disclose is not meant to hurt anyone's feelings or offend anyone...it's just the truth as I see it.  It's an honest account of what has happened in my life before surgery, after surgery and what I see in the future....

It will probably start off in a negative tone, but I assure you that as I add entries, that will change.  And speaking of change...

CH-CH-CH-CH-CHAN_GES
The first 'changes' I started to notice came around the time when I had lost 50 pounds.  That is when people started to ask questions and notice that I had started to lose weight.

I personally didn't start to notice a change until about that time too. Even though my clothes were baggy and I saw the scale going down, I still had a mental image of myself as the 'before' person. I had a hard time seeing any changes in my own appearance.

At the time I lost 50 pounds, I really started to feel better about myself, about the surgery...about everything.  I started to question things about myself like, "Why do I eat like that?", "Why do I think that?" , etc.  I started to look at myself closer and question what my relationship with food meant on a deeper level....

LIFE UNDER A MICROSCOPE
Not only did I start to look at myself closer, so did everyone else.  As I write this I am 7 months post-op and I feel this more than ever.  It's like after surgery, everyone watches you so closely to see what you're eating, how much you're eating, if you're chewing it well enough, if you're taking too big of bites....it gets exhausting after a while. It's a strange feeling.  When I was morbidly obese, I always got really nervous in social eating situations because I wanted to avoid this scenario.  I didn't want people looking at me and thinking, "Damn, put down the mozzarella stick and pick up a celery stick!", you know?  I think overweight people can understand this.  Maybe it's just me, who knows. As I said in the beginning, these are my thoughts, my feelings and if I offend....sorry.

SELF ESTEEM
I might as well just get this one out of the way.  I've never had a healthy self esteem. Quite the contrary. At a young age I became the comedienne, because if I made fun of myself first, no one could hurt my feelings. This didn't always work, but I developed quite a self-depreciating sense of humor, that to this day I still think is funny. I never want to lose that because if I can't laugh at myself, I'll just have to find someone else to laugh at, and no one is a better target than me.

So back to self-esteem....

Right now, I am close to losing 100 pounds.  100 pounds!!!!!!  Actually, since my highest weight, I've actually lost 109 pounds. You'd think that a goal like that would make me excited and proud...and it does...to a certain extent.  

The thing I wasn't ready for was the fact that I still think of myself as morbidly obese.  I still think of myself as the "before" picture.  Even though I've gone from a size 28 to a 16 in 7 months...I still question myself.  At times, I doubt myself. The head games are horrific.  Someone said to me at our support group meeting, "If you can't see yourself as thin here (pointing to head) then you'll never succeed at this."  Ouch.  But it's so true.  Somehow we have to find a way to see ourselves as healthy...not necessarily "thin" but healthy.  Right now I have so many things to be proud of, but I just keep seeing myself as fat. How do I move on from here?

THE POSITIVES
  The cool things since losing 100 pounds....
  I only have 50 pounds to lose before "goal"
  I have SOOOOOO much more energy
  I smile more
  I look people in the eyes
  I can cross my legs
  I can shop in "regular" stores
  I am a happier person
  I treat myself better
  I have hope

LET'S JUST BE HONEST...
I think that we all can agree that society treats overweight and obese people in a less-than appealing way. There are just things that are automatically assumed about us that are hurtful and unfair.  From airlines to foul-mouth children, sometimes it seems like the world is against us.

But things do get better...if you allow it to happen. I still hold a grudge, which is just hurting myself.  If I walk into a store and the cute boy behind the counter greets me, I think to myself, "Yeah pal, you wouldn't have done that 7 months ago.  You would have ignored me and I wouldn't have questioned it. Ever. I expected it."  But now it's different.  Why?  Good question.  I'm not sure.  Is it because I expect more?  Is it because I demand more?  Hmmm.  I read an excellent quote the other day that I think can sum all of this up in one sentence:  "The more one has seen of the good, the more one asks for the better."  

I couldn't have said it better myself.


Check back for more updates!