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3/7/02

Allow me to introduce myself....

I am quickly approaching my 30's and have been overweight my whole life.

My journey began a little over a year ago. I was looking through our local paper and came across an ad for WLS. I had never heard of Roux-en-Y so I did a TON of research on the web. I was blown away by all of the success stories. I knew immediately that this is what I had to do...

I made an appointment and had my consultation in March of 2001. After that, I came home and got all of my records in order for my preapproval. The information was sent in and around 5 weeks later I received a denial letter stating that I did not have 12 consecutive months of Dr. Supervised weight loss.

My 12 consecutive months of Dr. Sup. wl mark hit in August of 2001. Again, I gathered up the info and sent it in. 50 days later I received another letter of denial, this time stating that I needed 18 months of Dr. Supervised weight loss and 5 years of weight history. Ugh.

I felt frustrated and down on my luck. I didn't know where to go or what to do so I hired a lawyer. (www.obesitylaw.com) Best money I ever spent. On February 12, 2002 I received a letter of approval...only thing was...the initial surgeon was not in my PPO plan. Back to square one.

On March 13, 2002 I will travel to St. Vincent's Hospital in Carmel, IN. to meet with Dr. Rosemarie Jones. I have a good feeling about this. I have also purchased a Guided Imagery Relaxation Tape entitled, "Less Stress Surgery." I figure, it can't hurt. :-)

I'm excited to start the second phase of this life changing journey.

When I have some more information, I will post it here.

Have a Great Day!


3/14/02
I had my consultation with Dr. Jones yesterday and it went really well. I felt very comfortable with her, the hospital and the staff that I encountered. During my meeting with her one on one, I reminded her that I have already been approved (due to hiring a lawyer) and she said that she would have her scheduler get a hold of me soon and give me a surgery date! WOW! It's been a long road to this point and now it seems to be happening very quickly. I threw out the last of my cigarettes (been quitting now for 1 year) and I vow that I will not smoke so that my lungs are healthy for surgery. I am also starting to walk after work, whether it be on the treadmill or taking my dogs for a walk. I need to start taking my multivitamins, but I always forget! I'm just so excited...it all seems so unreal....


3/28/02
I have a date! June 7th is the day that I will be having Laparoscopic RNY. I'm so excited...but it seems so far away. Hopefully these next two months will fly by. I doubt it, but what else can I do? It's definitely been a LONG road to this point! I figure if I've had the patience to wait all this time, a couple of months is no big deal...

Anyway, I hope everyone out there is having great success in their goals.

Good luck all!!! :-)


4/1/02
This site is quickly becoming my second home! :-) I read posts everyday and find that the message board is very helpful. The AMOS family is truly that...a family.

Something has been happening and I don't really know how to feel about it....My family is telling everyone they know about my surgery. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I wear my heart on my sleeve - I'm very open and willing to talk about things. But this is MY surgery and I should tell whom ever I want to tell. My fiancé has told a bazillion people that he works with and my mom is telling everyone in our family. I don't mind talking about it AFTER I have the dag-on surgery, but let me get there first. You know? Maybe I'm being grouchy. I don't know. I just feel like this is a very personal thing that not everybody understands. Unless you have been severely or morbidly obese, chances are you don't completely understand. You can be sympathetic to the problem, but you just don't TRULY understand what an obese person goes through on a daily basis. Am I wrong? There have been a few people that I have told that think that WLS is the easy way out. Their attitudes get me so angry. Of course, they have never had a weight problem. Ugh. Maybe I need some sleep. I feel grouchy today. Sorry....


4/2/02
Thanks to everyone who took the time to post your comments and well wishes to my surgery page. I love reading posts!!! It makes me feel like the popular girl in school!...hee hee hee.

Well, the surgeons office called today and on May 9th I have to go down to St. Vincent's for the Pre-Op class and May 17th is when I need to be down there for the Pre-Op tests. Yikes. Now I really need to get serious about quitting smoking. I cut down sooooo much. I used to smoke a pack a day. Now a pack will last me a month. I just need to friggin' STOP! I don't want to fail any of the pre-op tests. I need to keep that in perspective. Ugh.

I talked to my fiancé last night about the issue I had yesterday [see 4/1 post]. Anyway, what I failed to mention was that he works with a guy who's wife had the surgery this past year. So he was asking him questions and then before he knew it, everyone else was chiming in. I know he loves me and I know that he's just excited for me to be healthy, but he just doesn't understand the fact that I only wanted a select few to know until AFTER the surgery. Oh well. In the grand scheme of things, I guess it doesn't really matter. I should just be happy that I have a wonderful support system behind me. I should focus on the good things and try to remain positive. Cuz Lord knows, the closer the surgery gets, the bitchy-er I will become! :0 I can't help it...it's called nerves and I got 'em bad!

Another thing that I wanted people to know is that I am in no way ashamed of the fact that I'm having WLS. Quite the contrary! It's just that I've found that there are people out there that don't understand my situation and think that if I want to lose weight, all I need to do is suck down a couple of Slim Fasts and get my lazy butt on a treadmill. But it's not that simple. I work with someone who thinks that I'm making a huge mistake and doesn't believe that WLS is the solution to my problem. But then again, she doesn't have to lose 150 lbs.

I'm so thankful that there are support groups and places like obesityhelp.com...where we (fat folks - and some no-longer fat folks) can go, chat, vent, cry, congratulate, brag and share and not be judged. Society has a predetermined notion of what our lives are like, and that's not fair. We're great people...we just happen to have bad fat genes. I love my personality. I think that I'm a better person because I've had to deal with being fat and being judged by strangers. I'm funny and I'll continue to be funny when I'm skinny. I love my life, but I'll love it more when I can take full advantage of it when I'm healthy! Wow. It feels good to say that....


4/3/02
Okay. 2 days smoke-free and I don't feel too bad. The only time I REALLY miss it is when I get into my car. I dread my trip to Carmel next month. 2 hours in the car with no cigarettes? Stop and focus. That's a month away. I don't need to worry about that now. I just need to concentrate on a healthy heart and lungs.

I started smoking when I moved away to college. My advice would be DON'T START! This has been such a stupid battle for the longest time. You'd think that after my mom battled back from breast cancer, I would have quit then. Ugh. One day at a time. I can quit forever, I can quit forever, ........

I got back on the treadmill yesterday after my hiatus! ha ha ha =) Anyway, it felt good to walk, even if it was only for 15-20 minutes. Every little bit helps, right? But I just have to say that for the past week my back and shoulders have been hurting something wicked! So I thought, maybe I need to stretch. I bent over to stretch out my back and something in my chest/sternum area popped and now it hurts to breathe! That's what a fat girl gets for trying to stretch! Good Lord. I had a good laugh over that...in between twinges of pain! :0) You have to laugh to keep from cryin' some days, ya know?



4/5/02
TGIF! Still smoke-free. I read someone's post earlier in the week that said a craving only lasts 7 minutes or something like that. I haven't set my watch to it yet, but I have to keep reassuring myself that I can do it. Yikes, it's hard at times.

Okay, I just have to share a nasty episode I had with my new vitamins. They made me so sick! Yuck!!! I won't go into the details, but gross. And who needs 5333% of the RDA of B-1? I'll settle for 100%, thanks?! These vitamins are ridiculous. I felt sick and dizzy for two days until I figured out why. Sheesh! Brain surgeon I'm not, folks! Anyway, I spent a fortune on these things and I can't even take them. My suggestion, always try the small pack or a sample. Don't take out a second mortgage on the house just to buy vitamins. The generic kind are probably just as good.

Well, good luck to everyone! Have a great weekend.


4/9/02
I went to our WLS support group meeting last night, and I just have to say that if you are seriously thinking about having surgery, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE attend your local support group meeting. Even if you've had surgery, it's a place where the people TRULY understand what you're going through mentally and physically. If you don't have one in your area, find out how you could maybe start one. They're a fabulous place to go to chat...when you're not online (here) of course! :-) Anyway, what a great group of people at the SB support group. You all crack me up, lift my spirits and give me hope. Thank you!

Did I mention that Tim went with me? We had such a great time. We both walked out of there and I told him how much it meant to me that he tagged along. He said he wasn't sure what to expect, but he had a blast! I said, "See! Big Girls are more fun!" We are. I crack myself up all the time... :-)

P.S. Still smoke-free. HOWEVER...I thought it would get easier but it seems to be getting harder. I almost slipped up last night. Ugh. I've been chewing the holy crap out of gum lately...


4/22/02
Hello to everyone. I hope all is well!

I would just like to thank everyone for your feedback and kind words. It's comforting to know that I am not alone.

I have to say 'hello' to my mom. She recently bookmarked this site to her computer. She is such a great source of strength for me! My mom is truly the strongest person I know. She is so amazing, I hope to take her advice for a speedy recovery!!!

My mom and I talked yesterday (briefly) about how I felt everyone was spreading word of my surgery when I wasn't ready for it. (Scroll down to 4/1/02 Post) Anyway, I realized that I should have said something at the very beginning of this saga about how I wanted to keep that information private until AFTER surgery. Oh well. I'm not ashamed or embarrassed. It's just that some people will never understand what it's like to deal with morbid obesity or surgery. There will always be those people who will try to discourage me and never understand where I'm coming from. But I've learned to stop putting myself last. I've fought long and hard for this and regardless of the outcome, I'm convinced that I've made the right decision. To be totally honest, I think some of my friends and family are surprised that I stuck to my guns this long and have followed through with this. I'm proud of myself for making such a life-changing decision.

But back to my family: I know that they were just trying to educate others on the subject and share my news. I know that they meant no ill will. It's just that I wasn't ready. But I am now and I'm coming out with guns blazin' baby!

As far as the non-smoking thing goes...I'm still doing okay. I've slipped up a couple of times, but I have to focus on the fact that out of almost a month of not smoking I've had maybe 2 cigarettes. I know that this is cheating, but I'm human. Instead of beating myself up over the two cigarettes, I'd like to celebrate the other 20-some days that I was smoke-free. I'm not smoking regularly...I don't have any cigarettes...I don't crave them like I used to...but sometimes I just want one, ya know? I don't think it's even about wanting - it's more about need. Seriously. Any smoker can agree with me on this one. Bottom line: I'm not perfect, but I'm okay. And I can live with that for now.

To everyone having surgery this week...Good luck and please have a speedy and uneventful recovery.

To those who are fighting a raging battle with their insurance companies...Stick with it! They WANT you to back down...DON'T! Keep fighting!

To all post ops...Good luck! I can't wait to be a LOSER too! :=)


4/24/02
***only 44 more days*** ( not like I'm counting or anything :=)
So I was thinking today about how important it is to have people around you that support your decision. I'm lucky, I realize that. I have a wonderful family and fiancé behind me...but I was EXTREMELY terrified to tell them of my decision almost 2 years ago...

After seeing an ad for WLS in my local paper, I did countless hours of research. I didn't get my hopes up because I never imagined that this surgery would be covered by insurance. I, like many uninformed others, assumed that it was elective. Wow. I couldn't have been more wrong. Now I was getting ahead of myself and dreaming of tank tops, shorts and dare I say...a bathing suit??? Again...WAY ahead of myself.

I called the 800 number on the ad and they sent me an information packet with a video. I remember being almost ashamed and decided to go into work early the following day and watch it with no one around. Bad idea. I cried and cried and cried. I felt an ache in the pit of my stomach like I never had before. All of those feelings of being ashamed and uncomfortable about my weight were laid out in front of me and I could no longer deny myself the right to grieve. I grieved for the person I once was, the person I am now and the person I wanted so desperately to be. It was a life-changing moment.

That day I began a plan of attack. First mission...tell Tim. I love him so completely - I was terrified of his reaction. That night I came home and spoke honestly for the first time about my struggle with obesity. He fell in love with me when I was overweight and he told me that he never had any idea that I was struggling so much on the inside. He told me that whatever my decision was, he'd back me 100%. I love him!

Mission two...tell the parents. I will never, ever forget that day. We met for dinner and I presented them with the video that I had watched the day before. I remember my mom looking at me - it was the same way she looked at me when I returned from spring break with a permanent tattoo. She was scared and unsure. But now, after fighting insurance and everything else that I've been through this past year and a half, she's one of my biggest supporters. She's awesome and I'm so thankful to have her (and of course, my dad too) in my life!

And not everyone I've told have been supporters. They don't understand, and that's okay. I'm confident in knowing that I'm making a wonderful change in my life.

So yes, telling friends, family and even co-workers can be scary, but you just may be surprised at the support they'll offer you!

Have a great day!


***May 13, 2002***
Well, I turned the big 30 yesterday! As everyone was joking about turning the big age milestone, I was thinking to myself that this is going to be a fantastic year. I may be getting a little older, but I know that great things are ahead of me.

My co-workers got me a cute birthday present/pre-op gift...a blender! That way I can make fresh protein shakes at work! How cute.

I was supposed to go for my Pre-Op nutrition class on May 9th, but I had to cancel due to a wonderful stomach bug. Yeah. Fun, fun, fun. But this Friday I go for my Pre-Op testing and on Tuesday, May 21st I go for the rescheduled class.

There's only 25 days left until surgery. OMG. I really, really can't believe it. It will be here before I know it. Yikes.

Well, I wish everyone good luck no matter what stage you are at in your journey.

5/29/02
Oh Lord. I only have 8 1/2 days left until my surgery. Holy %#!* Seriously, I honestly can't believe that it's almost my turn. I've waited patiently for 2 looooooooooonnng years, and it's finally my turn at a healthy life. Can I be honest? I can't believe I held on this long! :0)

Well, I survived my pre-op tests. With all of the freakin' technology and smarty-pants people we have working in the medical field, why the hell can't they make barium* taste better? Is it that hard? Seriously folks! We need to look into that. *What the x-ray technician failed to tell me was that you really need to drink A LOT of water after drinking the barium. All I'm going to say is popping an exlax afterward wouldn't be the worst idea you've ever had! OMG!

Anyway, this weekend we are going to clean out the frig, clean the house, finish up the shopping for hospital stuff and then try to chill (yeah, right!) I'm going to start packing too. Anyone who knows me well, knows that I am NOTORIOUS for over packing. I think I brought like a suitcase, 2 duffle bags and a backpack full of stuff for a weekend camping trip! I'm a freak like that! When Tim and I go on vacation to Florida, I have the gargantuan suitcase on wheels, along with a duffle bag and back pack. He has a carry-on for a weeks worth of vacationing. And the truly, truly sad part is I always end up wearing the same thing over and over again. I don't even use 80% of what I pack. I'm 30 years old, you'd think I'd learn by now!!

Anyway, thank God I'm busy at work or I'd really obsess about my surgery! (ok, I can't stop laughing. Hold on. I'm almost done. Seriously, I crack myself up.) Yes, I obsess...but who doesn't!

Well, everyone keep your chin up...if your like me...keep both of your chins up! (See, there I go again!)

Have a great day!

June 4, 2002
OMG. Where, oh where has the time gone?!? I can't believe that on Friday I will have my surgery. I can't stop feeling all gushy inside. I've been doing a lot of 'private crying' lately -- Away from my friends and family so I can at least TRY and keep some composure. But inside I'm a mess. I'm so emotional lately.

Nothing really new except for the fact that I feel unprepared. I haven't even started packing yet. I have to do that tonight...ugh! So nervous!!! I've never had surgery before, so I don't really know what to expect. The last time I was in the hospital (besides visiting others) was when I had my tonsils out...25 years ago! I'm not being a baby, I just fear the unknown.

Well, if you have a little spare time, say a prayer for me. I don't usually ask, but today I will.

Good luck everyone! I'll see you on the lighter side....

June 14, 2002
I MADE IT!!!
Well, I did it! I had my lap rny on Thursday, June, 6th and everything went well. I went into surgery around 12:45pm and was out by 2:30pm. The first day all I really did was sleep and push my morphine button. In fact, my mom was so worried that I was going to overdose, she went and talked to the nurse! My mom said I'd push the button, fall asleep for a couple of minutes and push it again....Little did she know that it locks out for six minutes! :-) Anyway...

They got me up to walk around 7pm and I pretty much got up every 2 hours and walked on my own after that. Not to pat myself on the back or anything, but the nursing staff was pretty impressed!

Friday was a little rough. Around 9:30 am they came and got me to do the leak test.....ARRRGH! I was groggy cuz I had just pushed my morphine pump and they made me stand up and drink this REPULSIVE, NASTY, DISGUSTING, PUTRID, RANCID (I think you get the point) stuff.....TWICE!!! It was so gross I really thought I was going to bring in back up. So after everything checked out OK, they took me back up to my room. I told the nurse I felt sick and she said it was from that shit they made me drink...(not her words, just mine). So she tells me that I need to drink some Colace to rid that stuff from my body....OK, THE COLACE WAS JUST AS GROSS!!! Couldn't drink the whole thing. Eww.

After this fiasco, they moved me to my private room. The nursing staff in both ICU and on the wing were wonderful. I have absolutely no complaints.

I had my first bad experience when a pill decided it didn't want to go down. Boy did that hurt.

I went home on Sunday with a JP drain and was told to come back on Wednesday to get it removed. I hated that thing from day 1. And let me tell ya, it was no picnic getting it removed either! Blah!!!

Yesterday I had an emotional day. All I wanted was some food. I was hungry and tired of eating liquids. I wanted a hot dog, pizza....ANYTHING! But I suppose that's normal.

The good news is that I'm down around 13 pounds. It's hard to believe. I haven't noticed it yet - my stomach is still a bit swollen from surgery, but hopefully I will soon.

The other good news is that my incisions are SO SMALL! They aren't even an inch long. I have one in my belly button, 2 on my right side, one in between my breasts (below my bra line) and two on my left side. Not bad at all. In fact, I haven't taken any pain meds since last Friday morning! How awesome is that?!?

Everyday is a learning experience. It's hard to get in my protein and water and eat all in the same day. The shakes are too sweet...as I crave salty things - I always have. But I know I'll find a way.

I know as soon as I can start eating regular foods in 5 weeks, this surgery will seem like a much better idea! :o) I'm just bored with full liquids.

Well, good luck to everyone in whatever stage of the journey you are in!!!

June 24, 2002
18 days post-op and I'm down almost 20 pounds. All of my incisions are healed and look great. I even went swimming yesterday!!

I'm feeling pretty good. I came back to work full-time after only 1 week off. My energy level isn't back 100%, but I have no complaints.

I lied. I do have a complaint...but it's just a minor one. This liquid diet sucks. Not just sucks, but REALLY SUCKS!!! Only 3 more weeks to go. Ah, normal food. Something that crunches...ANYTHING! Ok, I'm done. No more complaints.

I'm still having trouble getting my protein shakes in, but I bought some Isopure (Creamy Vanilla) and I mix that up with water, 1/2 a banana, frozen strawberries and one packet of Sweet and Low. Not too bad for a protein shake. One scoop has 25gms of protein! That's what I'm talkin' about!

Well, my support group meets tonight. I haven't been there in a while cuz of surgery and stuff, so I'm anxious to get back. Maybe someone can give me some good advice on getting through this liquid stage without committing a felony. (I'm a little testy). But seriously, if I see one more freakin' Pizza Hut or McDonalds commercial........THAT'S WHY I HAD TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!!!!!

I hope everyone is doing well. Keep on keepin' on!


July 1, 2002
Well, ladies and gentlemen, I've had quite a week...

At 3 weeks out, I finally discovered what it's like to dump. And when I do something, I like to do it BIG. I think I must have vomited every day, starting Wednesday. It's really not that big of a deal, except when you're away from home...then it can be a bit embarrassing. But oh well. What was I to do?

Wednesday I thought I'd beat the system. I was CRAVING, CRAVING, CRAVING pizza. So I thought to myself and I came up with the bright idea that even though I can't eat a whole piece of pizza, I could have the cheese topping! Right? Wrong! Not only did I dump once on the topping, I TRIED IT AGAIN and dumped for a second time! What a moron! (I've given myself the nickname of 'Moronica'). Anyway...that was Wednesday. I think everyday after that I ended up dumping on something. Saturday evening I threw up Mahi Mahi, Sunday afternoon I threw up a saltine cracker...ugh! I'm not complaining, I'm just telling on myself. I am Moronica!!

But the good news is that I have gone from 288lbs. to 255lbs. I feel great...but it still feels really...um...well, unbelievable. My clothes are getting big and baggy and I'm able to wear some things I haven't worn in a long, long time.

Oh yeah. I was having a lot of trouble eating food...nothing sounded good and most things made me sick to my stomach. So I called the dietician and she said I could move to the 'beyond full liquid stage'. How excited was I?!? Anyway, I'm being really careful but it's just nice to be able to have fish, beans, and some fruit...especially watermelon! OMG. It was heavenly. (Beats the hell out of baby food!) So another lesson: if things aren't working for you, call your dietician and they will work with you to make sure you are getting nutrients and all that good stuff.

Well, good luck to everyone. Keep up the good fight!

July 9, 2002
4 1/2 Weeks Post-Op
-30 lbs.
I just have to recap what happened to me on Sunday...
Imagine me, running frantic to Tim who is standing in the kitchen doing dishes. I am wearing only a bra and a pair of jeans. I am crying...no...more like sobbing and incoherent. He looks at me, frightened, begging me to tell him what is wrong. Am I hurt? Is something wrong? Lassie, is Timmy in the well? What the hell is going on? The dialog went something like this:
Me:...sobbing uncontrollably...
Tim: "What's wrong?"
Me: :...sobbing uncontrollably...
Tim: (louder) WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Me: "I....I...(still sobbing)...I...LOOK AT MY JEANS!!!"
Tim: (looking down at my jeans) "What is wrong with them?"
Me: (Still sobbing of course) "I haven't been able to wear these in two years! I tried them on 6 days ago and I couldn't even get them closed. I...I'm just so...so...HAPPY!" (Just a bunch of babbling, sloppy crying followed. I then left the kitchen and went into the bedroom, thinking that maybe I could regain my composure. But I just stood there, in total shock that I fit into a size 22 jeans. It is truly unbelievable.)

If you are having problems with insurance (hi Pat!) DON'T GIVE UP!!!! They want you to back down and they make it as complicated as they can. But I really believe that if you put up a fight and let them know that you will not back down and get your stuff in order...you can win this battle. I'm so thankful everyday that I dug deep down to find the strength to fight. But it did become a bigger problem and I knew that I needed some help. That's when I contacted a lawyer. Thank God I did. Again, it was the best money ever spent. My health is worth every penny.

Have a great day wherever you are....

July 18, 2002
6 week Anniversary

Well, I went for the 6 week check-up and apparently, I'm going to live! The Dr. said I am doing well (-35 lbs.) It's a rough lifestyle change, but very worth it. My relationship with food is changing drastically - mostly I just don't like to eat anymore. It's a chore; kind of like doing laundry or dusting. You know it needs to be done, but you just don't want to. "But why?", you ask. Well, sometimes it's just hard. And sometimes it just doesn't want to go down. And sometimes I just am not hungry. And sometimes I just need to concentrate on getting in all my fluids. Ugh. See? It's a chore. It's 12:55 pm and I haven't had anything to eat yet today. Why? I'm not hungry, I don't feel like it, I don't want to wrestle it down my throat, I really don't feel like throwing up today....I just don't want to.

I apologize. I sound negative and I don't want to come across as such. I am so thankful everyday that I have been fortunate enough to have this surgery. I'm just saying that it's a much bigger adjustment that I originally thought. It's tough somedays. And on others, when I slide on those pants that haven't fit in years, it's the most wonderful thing ever.

Just be prepared to grieve for the loss of a very comfortable lifestyle (food). One that you may have relied on for sometime now. It's not a bad thing...it's just a different thing....

August 8, 2002
9 weeks Post-Op
-45 lbs.

Oops. I guess it's been a while since I've updated my file. Not much has changed...I've been on a plateau for the last 2 weeks. When I got on the scale this morning, it had moved down a smidge, but nothing worth elaborating on. So far I've lost 45 lbs. since surgery. These last 2 weeks have been really frustrating, but I know that it's going to happen so I just need to ride it out. But I also have to say that I haven't really been doing the things I should to move out of a plateau...like exercising and up-ing the protein. I vow to start back on that! My goal is to lose 60 pounds by my 3 month mark, so I better get on the ball!!

The last couple of weeks have been pretty good as far as vomiting. I think that it's just taken me a REALLY long time getting used to eating slow, chewing my food, and eating small amounts. There have been a couple of times that I have experienced flu-like symptoms from something that had hidden sugar or fat...which I totally hate! That has got to be the worst feeling! I'd much rather throw up than go through that yucky feeling. Ugh. Thanks but no thanks.

Other than that, not much else is new...except that on Monday I went and tried on wedding gowns and I fit into a 20!!!! Man, that was a good feeling. My clothes are getting really big and I finally fit into the jeans that I haven't worn in 4 years!! People say that they notice a change in my appearance, but I don't. I guess it's because I see myself everyday. I don't know. Whatever. I'm starting to feel more comfortable and that's a good thing!

Bye for now!!!

Oh, yeah. Today my BMI is 39.9...I'M NO LONGER MORBIDLY OBESE!!!!!

August 21, 2002
Today I am down 55 lbs!! I can't believe it...it feels so good! I went out yesterday and bought myself a new outfit!

Not much else is new except that I'm having soreness in my hips. Is it possible that I'm having "shrinking pains"? I don't know if there is such a thing...I just can't come up with a better explanation. If anyone has any ideas, I'd love to hear them.

Also, when did my skin get so saggy? YIKES!! When I first had this surgery, I thought that I'd never opt for plastic surgery. Well, I'm here to tell you that I've changed my mind! I'm still going to workout and try and prevent it, but damn these thighs!! Whoa!

Good luck!

10/16/02
19 weeks post-op

Well, I know it's been a long time since I've written, but so much is going on and yet, time just seems to creep by. Weird.

Anyway, tomorrow marks my 19th week of being post op and so far I am down around 72 pounds since surgery plus the 12 pounds that I lost before surgery. Sadly, I have hit a very stubborn plateau that has taken me hostage. I'm trying desperately not to get discouraged, but I'm human and it's hard. The thing that worries me the most is that my surgeon told me that I should be down 90-100 pounds by my 6 months mark, and that is quickly approaching next month. I don't like to disappoint her. Oh well, all I can do is try.

Good news is that I've gone from a 26/28 to a size 18/20. That is amazing. Hopefully I'll be in a 14/16 by Christmas...that would be too cool. I could shop at normal stores and I wouldn't be confined to plus size shops (not that there's anything wrong with them).

Tim and I joined a gym and have been trying to go during the week. Life gets in the way sometimes, but at least we are making an effort. I'm just getting nervous because all I see is FLAB. Yuck. Exercise is the only way to try and stop that. I REALLY don't want to have to go through plastic surgery...

Other than that, not much else is new.

Take care!

December 19, 2002
Oops. I know it's been a long time since I last posted and I apologize. So much going on, so little time to write...

My 6 month anniversary came and went. I broke through the 200's and I'm now in the 190's somewhere....(I haven't had access to a scale, so I'm not sure of exact numbers.)

Food is going down without much trouble, but it seems that I can eat much more than I should. But I think that's normal. Carbs are still hard to avoid, but I try to make sure that I get protein first. I've found that I've started to snack on crackers during the day, so I'm trying to stop that.

Lots of saggy, yucky skin, but I feel terrific. I'm closing in on a 14/16 and can't wait to kiss the plus sizes good-bye...if for no other reason than the shear money aspect. There are never any good sales! :-( But I feel good, lighter and healthier. It's truly a blessing.

One thing I can't get used to is compliments...I'm just not used to it and it makes me very uncomfortable. I almost feel like a circus side-show freak...it sounds over-dramatic, but I'm just being honest.

I have to finish my Christmas shopping (for myself heehee!) so I'll write when I get some more time...which judging from today, should be sometime in the spring!

See ya!

December 20, 2002
6 months post op

Wow, posts 2 days in a row!

Well, I just wanted to report that I am officially in a size 16! Yeah!!! What a moment in the dressing room I had with myself. From a size 26 to a 16 so far...I still can't believe it, I'm just so happy!

I'm still not sure what my weight is, but I'm guessing that it's around 195...so 11 more pounds 'till I reach the century club.

I've had several people say that they didn't recognize me, ask me if I'm sick, blah, blah, blah. But I still have trouble realizing that I've changed that much. Weird...I still feel the same inside. Same sense of humor, same mindset, just a different outside. Sometimes I forget.

With Christmas coming up, I'm a bit anxious about food choices. There are several things that I anticipate will be a problem, but I'll deal with it as it comes. No one ever said this was easy.

Good luck to everyone.

Happy Holidays!

The Day After...Christmas :-)
Ok, what a crazy couple of days!!! Yikes, I need a vacation!

I hope that everyone had a fabulous holiday, I know I did especially since I learned yesterday that I officially weigh...*drum roll please*...191!!! I got a really nice scale for Christmas and had to try it out....191!!!! I cried all morning. Why? I don't know. I was just emotional. I can't remember the last time I weighed anywhere below 200! I weighed 203 pounds as a senior in high school, so maybe a high school junior? Unbelievable.

The down side to this is that I had a few things that I shouldn't have and I ended up paying for it this morning. Oops. I didn't go crazy, I just should have passed on the potato salad and I probably shouldn't have eaten that chicken wing. Oh well. Water under the bridge. I learned my lesson. But I've been so good for 6 months, I can't get too down on myself.

Well, I'm off to run more errands....it NEVER stops! :-)

Have a Happy New Year!

December 31, 2002
Well, it's the last day of 2002 and I have so many things to be thankful for. This surgery has changed so many things in my life; it affects how I interact with friends, family, strangers, etc.; it affects the way I treat others and most importantly, how I treat myself. This surgery is not going to solve all of your problems, but if you use it like a tool to aid in the improvement of your health, you will not be disappointed.

2003 will be the first year that I WILL NOT make the resolution to lose weight. Every year, at 12 o'clock I would sit there, disgusted with myself for failing another year in a row and think, "This is it Lisa, you have to do something this year." But nothing would happen, and I'd just become more depressed with every year. More disappointment, more embarrassment, more shame, more hopelessness. But this year is different. I feel strong. I feel like anything is possible. I have hope.

Thank you to my friends and family who have supported me in my darkest hours ( right after coming home from surgery and the time that it took to move from liquids to regular food! :-) That was an EXTREMELY difficult transition and HUGE lifestyle change. But I think I've done pretty good for 6 months and for the first time in 30 years, I will admit that I'm proud of myself. I'm proud that I took this challenge head-on and that I didn't back down when things got rough even before surgery. I'm finding that there is a lot more inside me than I ever gave myself credit for. I have more energy and subsequently, I feel unstoppable. It's good to know that feeling firsthand, instead of hearing about it all the time.

I am not perfect...sometimes I make bad food choices, sometimes I forget to drink all my water, sometimes I forget to take my vitamins....but I am human and it's hard to do everything right all the time. But I treat myself with respect, and that's something that I should have done a long time ago, fat or not-so-fat. I have been given a great gift in life, and I will treat it as such for the rest of my life.

I still am very uncomfortable with compliments and attention...which is really funny because before surgery I thought I'd relish it! But now I get shy and very self-conscious. Attention from men is hard too. I've never been a big flirt, I've never put myself out there...I've just kind of blended in everywhere...and I was fine with that. But now it's all kind of weird. Guys are flirty and give me compliments...again, making me uncomfortable! (**Please note that I'm IN NO WAY bragging. Ugh. Not even close. I'm just saying that I have a REALLY hard time with compliments. And I'm not just saying that....I honestly do!) I don't know, it's just weird. That's all. Luckily, I have a wonderful man at home that I will marry in October. We trust one another and I think that is so important. Like I've said before, he loved me at my heaviest and he continues to love and support me now. He's a wonderful guy and I'm lucky to have him in my life.

Anyway, wherever you are in life, try to make the most of each moment and love yourself. Treat yourself like you are a celebrity everyday...you should.

Peace to all and have a safe and happy new year!

1/9/03
Well, I hope that everyone had a fabulous New Year!  I know we did...in fact, this holiday season was probably one of my favorites.  Tim and I just moved into a wonderful house and we were blessed to have our families over for the holidays.  It doesn't get any better than that.

On the weight loss tip:  I'm now in the 180's...okay...189.5...but that counts!!!  I can't even believe it sometimes.   A 'normal' sized person would probably freak out at 189.5, but to me, it's a beautiful thing.  I've gone from "morbidly obese" to "severely obese" to "obese".  Soon I'll be overweight, and then hopefully by spring, I'll be "normal".  Amazing.

I'm still planning my wedding...which is a daunting task. I was a naive moron and thought that this would be easy.  HA!  So much to do....

I'll write back when I get a chance.  Good luck!

1/14/03
Ok, so I finally got this website working. **Phew**

Went to my support group meeting last night and had a great time. It's so nice to be able to talk with people who really understand what you're going through, the troubles you're facing and so on.  Plus, it's nice to have unconditional support.  At times, it's hard to find that in the 'real world'.  I'm lucky because I have very supportive friends and family.  Thanks guys!

So what's new?  I'm down 97 pounds from surgery, 109 since my highest weight. I can't believe it. Even though I'm technically not morbidly obese anymore, I still feel like a cow. How is that possible?  I realize I still have weight to lose, but damn! Does it ever get any better? Please, someone email me and tell me that it does!!!

I'm getting my hair cut this Saturday and then going to try on some wedding dresses.  Then next week I'm going to get a massage!  Yikes.  I've always been too embarrassed to go before, so keep your fingers crossed. 

So what is up Oprah's ass lately?  Damn.  We get it already.  You don't think weight loss surgery is the way to go. Message received. Get off the soap box before you wear it down...you've been up there enough! Now let me be...

So me, my mom and my maid of honor, Kelly set out on Saturday to find the perfect wedding dress for my upcoming wedding. Usually the day is filled with oohs and ahhs...but mine was filled with, um, let's see, how do I say this....humility.

Now, first let me give a little background before I start.

I have previously, on two occasions, tried on dresses at a large bridal chain. When you arrive, they give you a crinoline slip and a what I refer to as the 'bridal bra'. So getting ready that morning, I didn't think twice about coordinating bra and panties because I thought, "What's the point?  They're just going to give me shit to wear, so I'm not going to worry about it."

Luckily, that morning I shaved...well, I did the fat girl shave - front of the legs only. I figure, if I can't see it....

Just kidding....kind of...

So we get there and I'm looking around but I don't see any dresses that I even remotely like in my size. So as we're getting ready to leave, the owner says, "So are you finding everything okay?"  Well, not exactly. You see, I don't even pretend to fit into a size 6...She says, "Well who said you have to try on a dress in your size?"  Huh? Is this something new?  Just at that moment, I happen to glance over to the staging area (you know, the stage where you come out and turn in front of all the mirrors while innocent by-standers are subjected to you exposing yourself in the name of fashion...) and I catch a glimpse of a rather big girl tucked uncomfortably into a size 4 --- the back of the dress is wide-open, her fat rolls glistening under the spotlight --- and I thought, "Hell no."  So the owner says that she'll put us in a private room so that I don't have to parade my fat, flab-infested ass out into the public eye.  I say fine.  I pick out some dresses, laughing inside because not only do I know that this poor sales girl is about to embark on one of the toughest customers in her career, I also know that it's going to be straight up comedy.

So I'm in this room with my mom, Kelly and the sales person. She brings in the dresses and says, "Ok, you ready?"  I take a quick inventory of the room...where the hell was the bra and slip?  She's looking at me, eyebrows raised, waiting for me to undress. Holy crap.  I have to get half naked in front of everyone.  I am SO not ready for this.  Is there a damn robe?  Nope. This is going to be bad....

So like the true lady that I am, I get naked...well, down to my bra and panties that don't match. OMG. I am in my own personal hell right about now. I'm standing there, on this platform, in an ugly used-to-be-white bra and bright turquoise panties.  And not pretty ones either...grandma panties!  This is one secret Victoria is gonna want to keep....

So I'm standing there in my skivvies, totally humiliated and ready to burst into flames, when she busts out the first dress.  "What size is this?", I think to myself. Oh, 10.  The back won't close and it has settled nicely into the area around my stomach...or as I lovingly call it, my second ass.  So salesgirl says, "Did you see the detail on the back?"  I turn to look at the other mirror.  Beading detail?  No.  Let me tell you what I see...I see lots of flab.  I also see that in my haste to get ready this morning, I didn't fasten my bra correctly.  Anyone want to help out with that?  Mom?

Several other may lays ensue while I fight to keep my dignity. But what I don't realize at this time is that I lost it the moment I stood up there on that damn platform in my non-matching underwear.

There was a nice dress that I tried on with mesh sleeves -- very pretty -- except that it was so tight around my arms that if I flexed my mini-muscles, it would have been straight-up Incredible Hulk in there as I split through seems and expensive fabrics. Ugh. 

So as we're nearing the end to this saga, there is but one dress left. Salesgirl helps me put it on over my head, but wait, something is wrong. It's all bunched up around my hips. Suddenly, all 3 women are tugging on the bottom and underlayers of the dress, trying in desperation to get it over my hips. Is that a bead of sweat on my mothers brow?  Why is Kelly's face turning purple?  Salesgirl looks like she is about ready to faint....  Finally I yell, "Stop!  It's not going to work!"  Immediately all women stop and stand up and look at the dress.  I can see their spirit dwindle as we look at the dress, once a proud spectacle, now just a tattered bunch of fabric. It only made it past my knee and is resting peacefully at my hips, srunched up in an ugly ball, accentuating the second ass and the birthin' hips. We all stand there for a second, not sure of what to do...finally I mumble "Please get this off me right now." 

And that's how it ended folks. As awkward and humiliating as it started. I think it will be a while before I try on any more dresses...at least ones that aren't in my size...

1/23/03
Kramer vs. Kramer

Well, I have officially signed the divorce papers and we have agreed to amicable terms.  I never really thought that it would come to this...after so many years of commitment, it's going to end just like that.  

It's too bad, really. For so many years I hated him....REALLY hated him.  But I got over the loathing and actually started to like him.  At times, I was blissfully in love.  But not lately.  Nope.

Lately he's been cold and distant. He no longer brings me joy...and more importantly, he no longer tells me the things I want to hear. I no longer enjoy being around him and I cringe every time I have to get near him.  He'd probably say that I walk all over him, but that's the nature of the beast.

I hate my scale.

You see, I caught him cheating with my worst enemy.  We've been battling it out for months now. Back and forth, back and forth. At times, it's a daunting task - playing her dirty games. But you see, I have no choice.  

I hate plateaus.

The two have conspired against me I tell you! All I want right now is to get to the 100 pound weight loss mark. That's it.  That's all I'm asking...and I don't feel that it's such a big deal.  After all, I've given up all the foods I love...no sugar, no fat. Granted, it was my choice, but I feel like I need some redemption, something tangible to hold onto like a trophy...pumping my fist high in the air screaming "I'll show you!"

Have I lost my mind?  Maybe, but I'd rather lose this last pound and a half.

I should probably be going. I have a meeting with our counsel to see who gets custody of the fuzzy slippers and lithium battery pack....