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      Dachshund Humor Page


      Original from an extinct Dachshund periodical from the 80's)
      plus rebuttals by Mary Pyle (...) and me (italics)

      1. He is an ideal companion as a pet. He will follow you, love you, and amuse you all day and every day.

      ...You are graciously allowed to share your bed & board with him. You will trip on him, and watch him laugh at your clumsiness.

      They will always be in your chair when you want to sit down, under your feet when you are cooking dinner (actually anytime the refrigerator opens), beg unmercifully for anything that YOU are eating, eat anything that YOU will eat, and follow you everywhere (heaven forbid you close the bathroom door!).

      2. He is a born sportsman. He will turn his nose to anything above ground, while below ground, he will, given his chance, hold his own with the best. Dachshunds were originally bred to dig badgers out of holes.

      ...He will chase all pet cats, birds, & dogs from his exclusive territory (which is as far as the eye can see). He will also roto-till your fresh laid lawn and new flower beds.

      They will chase anything that moves in the yard from a butterflies shadow to a bug. If the "catch" seems to be dangerous they will keep it at bay until "Mom" comes to do away with it, e.g.. snakes, tarantulas, scorpion. Needless to say "Mom" has learned to carry a big stick when investigating the source of all that racket. And never show a friend their cute "trick" of find the mouse as they may show up with a dead mouse to show to the company.

      3. He is a born gentleman. His aloof dignity is above canine skylarking and petty yelping.

      ...What they don't want to see and don't want to hear does not exits.

      Who ME? I would never...chew on the couch, dig up that beautiful plant, have an accident on the floor, candy what candy? I didn't see any, did you?

      4. He is courageous to a remarkable degree and will stand up for his rights against any foe.

      ...From behind a fence there is none braver.

      The most ferocious protector of their backyard, until entry is gained and then they will lick you to death.

      5. He is odorless, always clean and easily housebroken.

      ...You'd be odorless too from the daily baths needed make necessary because of finding "neat" things to roll in.

      Someone please explain to me how they can so easily learn to whine to get in the house but NEVER learn this to go outside. You are expected to know that when I go near the door I want out, unless it's raining and then I would rather face the punishment for my "accident" than go out and get wet. And the word "bath" renders you deaf.

      6. He comes in several sizes, colors and coats to suite your special taste. The tiny miniatures also come in all three coats and colors, smooth, longhaired and wire-haired, and from a beautiful shiny black and tan to rich Irish Setter red. There is no other breed which offers such a selection.

      ...They are like peanuts, you can't stop with just one, and there is always a new variety or color or size to drool over.

      Uh, does miniature go by actual weight or ideal weight? Mom are you NUTS! You want a spotted one?

      7. He has a well founded reputation for being rugged and strong. Equally at home in either cold or warm climates.

      ...If itís cold, they are in your bed or in their sweater. If hot, they grab the seat in front of the air conditioner and drink out of your ice tea glass.

      Strong? You betcha just try dragging me outside when it is raining, or picking me up off of the couch so company can sit down. Climate, I don't mind what the climate is as long as I can stay inside.

      8. He asks only that he be with you whether you live in a mansion or the most humble abode. He is at you side day and night and he will warn you if any strangers are lurking around.

      ...He is willing to share all you have, if you eat dog food, he'll eat dog food. If you have steak, he gets steak! You couldn't get rid of him if you wanted, and anybody stranger than you SHOULD get barked at.

      I know you want to be with me but do you really have to make so much racket that the motel clerk can hear you from the parking lot? "Sir, I promise they only do that when I leave them alone." Don't know why the rooms are always full.

      9. He is most affectionate, and delights in riding in your car or sleeping close to you (if you will let him) at night, but he is content with his own bed and a simple cover that he can pull over his head, with just a shiny black nose to show his presence. Just to be near you and show his love for you is all he asks.

      ...He is not stupid enough to let a good sucker out of his sight. People are such pushovers for the old "I love you, I love you" routine.

      Riding in the car is a real experience with three of them, two behind your neck on the headrest and one in your lap all looking out the driver side window. Is there nothing interesting on the other side? Contented in his own bed? NEVER! No need for electric blanket here, only wish you could turn the thermostat down in the summer. If you come to my house please do not step on or sit on anything that is lumpy as surely there will be a Dachshund curled up under it.

      10. He is a wonderful companion for you children, and will take a lot of rough play and enter into the spirit of fun, for he is a born comedian. You can trust a Dachshund for they have never been known to betray a confidence.

      ...They love kids, the younger the better, children can be blamed for so much that the "sweet li'l puppy wuppy" couldn't possibly have done (they don't realize how tall a fully stretched Dachshund can reach). A Dachshund will never write a tell-all unauthorized biography, but don't leave your pot roast within reach.

      They love kids because they are short enough to lick in the face, and kids are such a soft touch for that little "treat". They may never betray a confidence but they sure will let anyone know where the treats are kept and heaven help you if company happens to have a "goodie" in their purse or pocket! And they remember, forever, that person and where the treat was-so next time they come to visit they get "frisked".




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      Copyright © 1998, Peggy Phillips