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Renzo's Rant

One Man's Random And Often Relatively Amusing Thoughts

This site is created, written, and maintained by Renzo, a 20-something Canadian observational humourist/philosopher/writer/university student. Any questions, comments, suggestions, and death threats can be directed to Renzo via his email, The Renzo's Rant FAQ page is available here. This site is best viewed at 800X600 resolution or higher, and Renzo recommends a browser like Firefox to block all the popups that come with free hosting.

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Weekly Feature - SHITI Websites

It's here! It's done! Well, it's not quite done, but it's getting close. Anyway, the new and improved Renzo's Rant has gone online, and although there's still a few holes and sections of broken codes (okay, a lot of broken code), there's at least a couple of pages that are up and running. Depending on how much time I can find for it, I should have the whole site fixed in a week or so, so hold onto your proverbial horses. And where, you might ask, can you find the new site? Behold!

You may now be asking, Why is it a sub-section of another website? Well, the short answer is because I was too lazy/cheap to host two different websites on two different servers. The long answer is pretty much the same. And what is Well, not much yet. I've been spending my scarce online time working on RR, so it's basically just a stub at the moment. But soon it too will blossom.

So what are you waiting for? Oh yeah, for me to finish the new site. Right, forgot about that... Okay, then what am I waiting for? Time to go fix broken code!

It is here. The time is now. The revolution has begun. This is major news, people. It's bigger than Oprah. It's bigger than Brandon Flowers' ego. It's bigger than Internet. 2.0.

Renzo's Rant is going professional. We've hit the big time. That's right - no more free hosting. No more monthy 32K bandwidth restrictions. Yes, I've shelled out a whopping $3.70 per month for legitimate hosting space and a real URL. No more pop-up ads. No more banner ads. In fact, no more ads of any kind. And does this mean an end to the bare-bones HTML and hand-drawn MS Paint pictures? You wish, poindexter. Yes - you, Greg Johnson of Gary, Indiana (if you are not Greg Johnson of Gary, Indiana, please email Renzo for your own personalised version of this webpage).

Obviously this is going to take me some time, as I will be meticulously re-creating the archives on the new servers. But I do have a few updates that will launch with the new site within a few weeks, so keep an eye out for news!

Huff...pant...did I make it? Is it still Halloween? What? It was almost four weeks ago? Dammit, I knew I shouldn't have stopped to fill out that Home Legal Will Kit! Anyway, here's a handy guide for getting a pet.

The following webpage has not yet been rated.

Woah, woah, woah! What is going on here? Renzo's writing is being pilfered and distributed to the far corners of the Internets? Check out the controversy!

Ask your doctor if clicking on this link is right for you.

Don't cha wish your website was hot like me?

April Fools - Time for another movie review.

The newly renamed SHITI Link of the Year page has finally been updated.

Sergeant Shorts, reporting for duty! What do oatmeal, insulin, and a moustache to die for have in common? Find out here!

I know, I know. Weird, huh? It seems like just yesterday it was Halloween 2005...wait, it wasn't? It was actually three and a half months ago? Wow. Anyway, I felt like marking my return to regular updates with the tying up of lots of loose ends. There's the updated version of Video Game: The Movie, and look for the following in the coming days:

  • The conclusion of the most recent Invigilator!
  • A new Shorts' Rant!
  • The long-awaited film remake of Homeboys In Outer Space!
  • And a few other surprises as well!

So what are you waiting for? Dig in!

C'est l'halloween part deux! Actually, it's technically RR's fourth Halloween, but the first and third didn't have a specific update associated with them, and as such have not been included in the Renzo's Rant canon nomenclature know what, it's probably just easier if you click here and see what all the fuss is about.

Alert! Alert! A big update is in the works, so until then keep your pants on (if you're actually wearing pants, that is; otherwise find some pants, put them on, and keep them on). I've been out of commission for the better part of a week with the flu and my internet access was down the entire time, so that whole updating opportunity went to waste. While you're waiting, feel free to send me some Get Well Soon money via PayPal, which will require you to create me a PayPal account and then send money to it. So...get started. And don't bother looking for any secret pant-I mean, links.

Attention Zack Morris: report to Mr. Belding's office immediately!

What? An actual rant on Renzo's Rant? Surely not!

Greetings, party people in the place to be! I've finally been reconnected to the internet, though unfortunately it's via intolerably slow dialup. But fear not, for a super-duper update is in the works. In the meantime, you can whet your appetite with a new SHITI Link of the Week.

Dear Reader: You are hereby formally invited to Run With Us.

There's a new product on the market, and it's bigger and better than ever before. Check out Janosz version 2.0.

Hey, would you look at that! This week Renzo's Rant celebrates the coming of our 2000th unique visitor, and we're already over 1/4 of the way to another hundred! Let's celebrate with a New Invigilator installment as well as a new weekly feature.

Pseudo-update: Have no fear, I'm still around. The latest article is taking a while, which is a sure sign of how awesome it will be. In the meantime, try not to get invigilated. I'm caving to political pressure and reposting an article that has been in abeyance for a while, so I guess it's flashback time again.

Hey, a terrible webpage award like the ones Renzo used to give out 2 years ago! How did that happen?

Warning! Warning! This update contains numerous references to penises! If you don't like wangs or don't want to read about man-meat, refrain from clicking on this link!

This week's update is more about what it isn't about, than what it is about. Well, just read it, you'll get the idea.

By now, the particularly astute ones among you may have noticed that I haven't posted an update recently. I've been quite busy lately, but fear not - I shall return in full force in a few days. Until then, enjoy this essay which for some reason cites this webpage as a reference.

News Flash! Shorts Lonnigan in the news!

I can honestly say that this is the biggest update I've ever done. It took me and a team of fourteen stout men many moons to do it, so I hope you're happy.

No, I'm not dead - I've just gone missing for a month. Check out what I've been up to.

Shorts again - it's been a sad, sad week for rappers and drug dealers everywhere.

Attention American readers of Renzo's Rant: make your vote count by doing the right thing!

Sorry folks, there's no Halloween update this year. Nope, no Halloween update whatsoever. In unrelated news, Vanilla Ice is really keen. Or at least so I hear.

Renzo's back, and he's opening the vaults to the guestbook entries. That's right, now you can read the guestbook without having to actually read the guestbook.

You guys are lucky this week - a nice big update from your favourite Uncle Shorts. I'm serving up a hefty dose of Nape for the masses.

Shorts Lonnigan here - I've come to save you from the banality of Renzo's increasingly ludicrous updates. Find out why.

Renzo tests out a new type of experimental narrative.

Here's another extremely late movie review.

Just a quick update - the FAQ page has been amended.

Well, the world is about to be destroyed, again. But don't worry - Renzo's made a great alternative to watching Superbabies.

Flashback time: Well, it looks like Absurdly Pointless Stuff has vanished from the face of the Earth. So rather than letting my Renzo's Box articles die with it, I've rescued them and am now hosting them here. And if you hadn't got around to reading them yet, now's the perfect time to do so.

Renzo's Box #1: The Untouchables

Renzo's Box #2: Hollywood Hints

Renzo's Box #3: The Why-Files

Alright, stop: collaborate and listen! Renzo's back with a brand new invention! And by invention, I mean update.

K-I-D-E-O! Kids Can Rock And Roll!

Here's something new - writing about a movie half a year after I saw it. Anyway, I think I've summed up Lost In Translation quite nicely.

He's back. He's mad. And he's got his own Usenet group.

Okay, you got me - the Pee Wee background was an April Fool's Day joke. He's still safely hiding out in his secret lunar lair.

Easter is coming up soon - and who doesn't like looking for Easter eggs? *Not so subtle wink*

Quick, somebody get Arnold! It's the rise of the machines!

Here's yet another movie review - the Star Wars Holiday Special.

Warning: This week's update should only be read by religious people with a sense of humour.

Updated! Nintendo, mullets and Fido Dido - what more could you want?

Well, it's been a while since the last update. You'd think that I would have had time for a decent entry. Ha!

Anyway, I've once again copped out by raiding the script vaults and scrounging up a 7 year old musical about a dancing drug addict bear.

Renzo has discovered Presidental hopeful John Kerry's terrible secret!

The newest movie review is in - what did Renzo think of Spirited Away?

Renzo answers another pressing question.

A comic that actually made it to the second edition? I know, I'm scared too.

Does anyone remember the cartoon version of The Lord of the Rings? Renzo does. Find out what he thinks of it!

Happy New Year, Peons! How was your Festivus?

Exams are done, and Renzo has started yet another comic. Will this one have more than 2 editions? Find out!

The Rant's industry insider, Renzo, has managed to get his hands on the new Troy script! Harry Knowles, eat your heart out!

Here's a handy guide for becoming an idiot.

Here's the winner of the much-sought award for Dumbass Website of the Week, as selected by Renzo.

Renzo's thoughts on David Goldstein, movie whiner extraordinaire are found here. Warning: May contain common sense and logic!

Here's another movie review.

I've gone through my computer's vaults, and discovered the long-lost script of Trajan 2643, the greatest space opera from the beginning of time to 1977, and from 1983 until present. It can be found here.

Renzo has finished his latest film review - check out what he thinks of Battle Royale.

Here's something that's never good - when Renzo makes a comic based on a random stream of consciousness.

If you notice national depression rates increasing in the next few weeks, it's probably because of the people who had to watch Saving Jessica Lynch.

Big update today! I hope everyone had a good Halloween, and if your country doesn't celebrate it, you suck! Anyway, here's why I want Pud to die.

C'est l'halloween! C'est l'halloween! Check out Renzo's scary new movie!

Have a question about this website? It just might be answered on the Renzo's Rant F.A.Q. page.

Renzo is proud to announce the winner of the coveted title of World's Worst Infomerical Product: The Flip Fold.

As if you needed any more convincing, but here's a list of five reasons why "Weird Al" Yankovic kicks my ass, as well as yours.

The fourth film by Quentin Tarantino, Kill Bill Vol. 1, is now in theatres. Think you've seen it all? Well then check this out!

Did anyone see this summer's best movie, Jeepers Creepers 2? If you missed it, you can watch it here.

You know what kind of people Renzo hates? These kinds of people.

Renzo's crackpot theory of the week is up; read about the Lord of the Rings conspiracy!

Wow, a new update from Renzo! This should please all two of my loyal readers. As you guys know (Brad and Jeff), I've been away from the good old comp for a while whilst preparing for university. Well, I'm here, and am pleased to announce that you'll be hearing a lot more from me.

So yeah, the exciting news is that I'm working on a new comic. But wait, Brad and Jeff ask, what could possibly top Planet of the Napes or Circus Time? How about The Invigilator?

When I was a little kid, I used to write parodies of songs, but now that I look back they were pretty damn crappy. Nonetheless, some of the better (which is still not great) parodies that I've written can be found here.

This page sucks! Enough said.

Our first installment of practical jokes has now been uploaded. Find out how to convince your sister that she's dating a complete stranger.

For all of you Americans out's a slightly less than historically accurate reenactment of the Declaration of Independence.

Now available...the complete and unabridged Dicslotary! Well, complete up until D for now. That's right, now even YOU can write copious discourses that will earn you the top dog spot in J English class. For more information, see The Slotin Files. To access the Dicslotary, click here.

What happens when you give an insane man unlimited access to food products, plastic forks and a camera? This.

It is a future where men have been driven into the wilderness by biologically inferior beings and forced to live like animals. Planet of the Apes? No, it's Planet of the Napes.

Comics are done, and only 1.5 years late! Check out Circus Time here.

Drop the zero, and get with the hero! Drop the zero, and get with the hero! Drop the zero, and get with the hero! Drop the zero, and get with the hero! Drop the zero, and get with the hero! Drop the zero, and get with the hero! Drop the zero, and get with the hero! Drop the zero, and get with the hero! Drop the zero, and get with the hero! Drop the zero, and get with the hero! Drop the zero, and get with the hero! Drop the zero, and get with the hero! Drop the zero, and get with the hero! Drop the zero, and get with the hero! Drop the zero, and get with the hero! Drop the zero, and get with the hero!

This page is proudly sponsored by the Vanilla Ice Revival Foundation. Official website coming soon!     

This page last updated March 23, 2007. Copyright Renzo Inc. 2007, All Rights Reserved. Neither this page nor its contents shall be reproduced in part or in whole without the express written consent of Renzo Inc.