Man, do I have a story to tell you. It all started several months ago when I was your typical loser - unpopular, weak, banned from McDonald's for certain incidents...I was at an all-time low. Even that kid who used to get beat up because he ate paper made fun of me. It seems that nothing was capable of turning things around. Boy, was I wrong.
Turns out I had been neglecting the most important element of self-improvement - wearing a metal bracelet that has been "charged" or something. No wait, "ionized". No wait, "nothing". Yeah, that's the one. Yes, I speak of the amazing Q-Ray, a product so revolutionary that it has won this week's coveted Renzo's Rant award for World's Worst Infomercial Product. If you're wondering what happened to the several hundred weeks between the two articles, you clearly haven't heard about how the new Pope Ratzenberger has decided to bring the Catholic church into modern times by finally acknowledging the Jimmy Carter era, thereby instantly moving us ahead 16 months.
Anyway, the Q-Ray is really amazing, and by "amazing" I mean "a rip-off". Its creators admit that it's little more than a hunk of metal, but they claim that it has mystical ancient voodoo powers that will bring people back from the dead. In fact, if you had watched my all-time favourite movie, Weekend At Bernie's II, you would have known that it was a Q-Ray that caused good old Bernie to rise from the grave and cause hilarity to ensue. From what I have gathered, the Q-Ray's powers include, but are not limited to:
Even the Q-Ray's promoters aren't quite sure what it is. Their official webpage, on the subject of what their product does, has this to say:
According to ancient oriental Yin-Yang theory, it is believed that one has achieved the state of “Chi” (Bio-Energy) when your body's negative (Yin) and positive (Yang) energies are in balance. “Chi”, according to tradition, has been described as the Natural vital forces within which allow a body to perform to its fulllest potential.Designed with those ancient oriental Yin-Yang traditions in mind, the Q-Ray Ionized Bracelets® is known as the Serious Performance Bracelet® by many world class and professional athletes. Q-Ray has been worn by professional athletes and "weekend warriors" from every major sport.
So in other words...we're really hoping that a hokey, ancient Chinese superstition is not only scientifically accurate, but also somehow related to these cheesy metal friendship bracelets that weren't selling until we starting claiming that they were magical. Also, we have some dental floss necklaces that we're assuming will ward off dragons, because this guy from the Middle Ages said they would.
The commercials are hilarious, as they contain "real" comments and testimonials from "people that most definitely don't work for our company, and certainly aren't being paid to give us glowing reviews". You can almost see the cocked handgun being pointed at their temple from just off-screen. Anyway, these "armchair athletes" and "weekend warriors" make outlandish claims, such as an old woman who claimed that within 10 seconds of putting it on she felt 20 years younger. Again, the only evidence they offer to account for such a dramatic effect is their patented ionization process, which they seem very proud of and refer to as much as possible. They also pound home the fact that they have a US patent for their technology, presumably in the hopes of convincing us that it somehow makes them legit. They're clearly forgetting that as long as the idea hasn't been taken you can get a patent for pretty much anything, such as edible underwear or musical condoms, both of which are easier to swallow than the Q-Ray pitch.
But like I said, I was desperate. So I shelled over the $250.00 US...oh yeah, did I mention that they cost up to 250 bucks? American? That's like, 10 times as much as I can fit into my piggy bank, and I think I'm not bragging when I say I have a pretty big piggy bank. Well, the day it came in the mail I immediately ripped it out of the package and threw it on. Wouldn't you know it, I was instantly surrounded by a swarm of loyal ocelots, eagerly awaiting my command. I totally sicced them on those bastards at McDonald's - revenge was at last mine.
