Renzo's Rant

So I was recently reading about a poll from some time last year about the best movie villains of all time. According to the study, Hannibal Lector came out on top. Other expected dignitaries included Darth Vader, Keyser Soze, John Doe and Fran Drescher. However, I was a bit alarmed to discover that my personal choice wasn't in the top 10. Imagine my surprise when his name wasn't even in the top 100!

Thinking there to be a simple typographical error, I telephoned the publisher to confirm the mistake. But much to my horror, I was rudely informed that there was in fact no such error. They had snubbed Lucas Barton! For those of you who know who Lucas Barton is, congratulations on being cool. For the rest of you: What is your freakin' problem?? Don't you remember the 1989 smash-hit, The Wizard? You know, the one starring Fred Savage and Christian Slater? Here, perhaps this will refresh your memory:

You only wish you were this cool

That's right, he's the bad-ass, coifed-mullet sporting Nintendo champion. He's also the only thing standing between Fred Savage's autistic half-brother and winning a $50,000 Nintendo world champion tournament. This guy kicks so much ass that he probably has a robotic leg as a result of his original one breaking from use. I mean, just check out his picture: the over-sized shades, the rolled-up sleeves, the hot pink shirt. He's the best thing since Fido Dido.

Rad Racer? Not as rad as you, Lucas

Here we see Lucas kicking ass at Rad Racer. He so intimidates the so-called "Wizard" that the little kid pussies out, and runs away. He then proceeds to wet his pants, and get beat up by a dead puppy. True story. We can also see that Lucas shuns the traditional Nintendo controllers, which are square both literally and figuratively (I know they're actually rectangular, moron). Instead, he dons the awe-inspiring device known as the Power Glove, seen better in this shot:

Sweet, no?

This is the kind of glove that would make both Michael Jackson and O.J. Simpon weep, before kicking Howie Mandell's ass just for the hell of it. Note the look of pure impudence in Lucas' eyes as he grips his hand defiantly, reminiscent of Darth Vader (who, I might add, did make the list). This moment is followed by the highlight of the entire film, a line destined to go down in movie history. With all of the raw, emotional intensity of someone intently studying paint colour samples, he stares down the heroes and delivers the following:

I love the Power Glove. It's so bad.

Of course, we all know that he really was going to say "bad-ass", because only he himself is bad-ass enough to say such a thing. However, since it was a children's film, measures were taken. What a disgrace.

Update: A diligent reader sent me the following link. It'll only be up for 2 weeks, so make sure you check it out!

Lucas talks!

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