UBM Solution Finder

Wednesday, 16 November 2005

Can't Beat 'em
Mood:

a-ok
Topic: Solutions
Context:

Me and my husband, Art, are mature young lovers. Nearing our third anniversary, we have stayed together longer than either of our original marriages. We both have baggage; we can't help it. Baggage comes from living a full life. When Art falls in love, he tumbles completely. It takes years for him to recover from each failed love. So, besides the baggage, I live with the ghosts of these women of his, his past loves. I am comfortable with their memories, because I know he loves me as deeply and would fall as deeply if he ever lost me. I have him, they do not. There is one woman who I do consider a threat, Art still speaks of her fondly. But mostly to get my goat, I think. She's the rebound woman, and she is always available on a moment's notice. When Art teased me once about going back to her, I called him on it. "Sure, call her up for coffee, but I'm coming along." He swiftly scratched the idea, and I grinned. This one lady truly is "the other woman" in my husband's life. But she's only fun as long as his fantasy life with her stays separate from his real life with me. If we ever met, her fantasy pedestal would come crashing down. I would know, she would be real, and she would be just another randy woman. This is the strategy of "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em."

I've used the same strategy when dealing with the Watchtower Society. I go to the occassional meeting, and I've shaken hands with the people who strongly influence my husband's life. They know who I am, and I understand a bit of the workings of the society. The mystique is gone, they are simply a rather controlling magazine sales organization with a lot of wacky rules for their followers.

Problem:

As the "other woman" in your partner's life, the Watchtower Society sucks up more of your partner's attention, affection and time. More and more often, your partner consults "her" before any major decision. For the UBM wife, "she" is the other woman. For the husband, "she" is the mother-in-law. "She" is out there somewhere, your direct rival, but you can't attack "her" directly without sparking a huge war with your partner. How can you bring the Watchower Society out in the open so the two of you can deal with "her" in the open?

Forces:

Your partner is investing more and more time, attention, and affection with the Watchtower Society.

You are left out, as you are either uninterested or opposed to being converted.

Your partner's life is becomingly increasingly divided between home life and "religious" life. You are being cut out of your partner's religious side of their personality.

Your partner is showing signs of sneaking around and being secretive of his religious activities.

The WTS will also be very interested in introducing yourself to their teachings, and may view you as a potential convert. Though you are disinterestly curious, you want to nip this idea on the bud.

You may fear being "taken over" by a cultic personality against your will if you open yourself to any involvement.

Essence of the Solution:

Bring your partner's involvement with the WTS out of the mysterious and grounded in reality by inviting yourself along. Come to a few meetings, perhaps study yourself for a couple of weeks. Take a look for yourself, and comment freely to your partner on what you see. The WTS will lose some of it's mystique and attraction for your partner. By remaining involved, you are able to maintain some intimacy with the religious side of your partner.

More about the Solution:

Ask yourself along first to a Sunday Public Talk. To blend in, dress for the Hall. I suggest you remain standing until the talk begins. When I first visited I was approached by several smiling women, many who patted my arm or brushed my shoulder when passing. They may have been trying to convey warmth and friendship, or perhaps this behavior was peculiar to this hall. Nevertheless, I found this familiarity to be invasive. At that point I was a still stranger to them. By standing, I had the option to step away if someone invaded my personal space. My goal was to introduce myself, be warm and engaging in turn, but be firmly resistant to conversion. I wanted the congregation to know me as a person, and for me to get a sense of the character and behavior of the people who absorbed so much of my husband's time. When I was introduced to someone new, I smiled warmly, shook hands firmly, and gave them direct eye contact. Nearly everyone asked how I enjoyed the talk. I responded with vague non-committal humms. I removed the mystique, both for them and for me. Over time, I gradually reduced the number of visits. Again, I emphasized my firm resolve not to become a Jehovah's Witness myself.

Before you decide whether to study with a JW, ask yourself, do you know what you believe? Can you articulate to a stranger why you believe what you believe? If you have never explored your spiritual side before, don't let it be with a JW the first time! They are trained to present a neatly packaged and outwardly sensible religion. I recommend that you read my future articles on Logical Fallacies and Know your Bible before you engage an experienced Jehovah's Witness in a debate.

If you choose a book study, be prepared prior to the meeting. Read the brochure What does God Require of Us?" before they come over, and make notes of any logical fallacies and misuse of scriptures. If you are firmly resistant, the study won't last much beyond four or five weeks. JW's are equally frightened of being "sucked in", and will close down the study if their worldview is directly threatened. If you are outwardly compliant, the study may go on for some time. At some point you are going to have to start seriously questioning some of their doctrines. As soon as that happens, your study partner will do their best to deflect those questions for "later", or suggest that maybe you are not "ready" to accept their teachings. It is highly unlikely that you will be able to convert your study partner with your point of view. The best you can hope for is to sow some seeds of doubt for them to mull over in the years to come.

There are several events in my JW husband's life I would not miss out on. These events are labored over by the new convert, and when they succeed, the congregation provides plenty of enthusiastic support. Don't be left out, go along. Show your encouragement and support as well, even if you are opposed to the conversion. This way, you maintain some intimacy with the religious side of your partner, preventing rifts in thought and feeling. First, I would attend the baptism. Second, I would attend at least your partner's first Theocratic Ministry School public performance.

Another idea deserves mention. If you try it, let me know how it works. My husband's book study group has an assigned "treat night" once a month. My friend suggested I send along baking as a way of showing my normal side and to endear myself to the group. I noticed often the tray was returned, untouched. I don't know if it was plain rudeness in this group, hatred of home baking, or their own fear of "cookie demons" from a "worldly person", but I was too insulted to keep up a tradition.

Resulting Context:
By staying involved, you may fear being "sucked in" yourself. To prevent this from happening, make sure your own religious foundation is well-established. Explore your own religious beliefs. Could you explain what you believe to a stranger and why?

The Kingdom Hall will lose some of its mystique for you when you visit. Meetings are really rather dull. No demons will come out of the wall and suck your soul out. By removing the WTS mystique, you will have a more realistic view of it's influence and it's power over your partner's life.

Some of the fun of being a JW may be that it is a statement of individuality by your partner. There is a bit of mystique attached to sneaking off to three meetings a week. Alternatively, you may have been built up by your partner to his new found friends as a harridan, firmly opposed to your partner's new religious zeal. Remove the mystique, remove the fun. Challenge your partner if they resist you going along. Ask them why it bothers them so much. Go anyways. If they crave independence, suggest they take up golfing instead.

The Jehovah's Witnesses will be thrilled you are coming for a visit. JW's always welcome potential converts. Their disappointment will show itself later when they figure out you are not easy. When you stop attending regularly, likely you will be asked about at the meeting. Your partner will be asked, "Where is xxx? I missed xxx at the meeting." If your partner comes home with this message, tell them to convey to the well-wisher that they can call you any time to go for coffee. Likely they won't. If you're not a potential study, you are not worthy association.

Known Uses:

Remove barriers of intimacy between you and your partner by involving yourself a bit with their religious side.

Eliminate the secrecy and sneaking around (if any of this has started).

Posted by ab6/jgnat at 7:17 AM MST
Updated: Wednesday, 16 November 2005 7:39 AM MST
Post Comment | Permalink | Share This Post

Sunday, 13 November 2005

Intimacy in a Religiously Mixed Marriage
Mood:

amorous
Topic: Backgrounder
When I talk about intimacy in this article, I am referring to "warm friendship developing through long association, and of a very personal or private nature". One of the benefits I deeply appreciate about marriage is the sense of teamwork, "us against the world", that, when disaster comes knocking (loss of a parent, financial crisis) my lifemate is at my side. I also enjoy moments of intimacy with my husband, though I am not sure he is built to process the broad range of feelings I can jam in to a single session. I also depend on a network of girlfriends for my confessionals. Hubby cannot depend on me keeping my interest when he gets on one of his sports rants. He seeks out other men to get his sports fix. Is it possible for a couple in a mixed marriage to remain intimate?

My daughter married an intelligent and sensitive man from Rwanda. He speaks French more fluently than English. Nothing could be more different, or exotic, than the world he was raised in. I am proud that I raised a child who sees more opportunity than obstacles when she married man so different than her. My advice for a mixed-cultural marriage would be to respect your differences, take time to learn the other culture, celebrate and value each partner's unique contribution, adopt the good, and drop the bad. My son-in-law now does housework and recycles pop cans, to the enduring scorn of his immigrant friends. My daughter has picked up a shocking number of African jokes, many of which feature randy goats.

Why is it that I am more resentful to my partner's difference in religious beliefs? I think it has to do with the exclusionary and bigoted features of a high-control group like the Jehovah's Witnesses. I've seen the same frozen smile on the faces of my husband's congregation as I was introduced as the (whispered) "Unbelieving Wife", as my daughter experiences from regular Canadian bigots. Though little is said, as is the Canadian way, I know their highest hope was that this embarrassing situation would be quickly resolved with a swift conversion. It was assumed that I was in an inferior state and needed repair.

It is this fundamental lack of respect for my differences that makes it very difficult to embrace the features of the Jehovah's Witnesses that are worthy of imitation. (Be faithful, don't smoke, wash behind your ears). What I likely miss the most is not being able to pray together. I am used to praying about nearly everything. I can pray anywhere. My Anglican girlfriend swore she would hide under the table if I dared try it in a public food court. Hubby is not used to leading in prayer out loud. I miss not being able to pray together a great deal.

A second threat to intimacy in a mixed religious marriage is when one partner changes beliefs. This becomes a direct threat to the other partner, as they committed to the other with certain expectations in mind. The betrayal may be the same as a partner who changes their mind about having children, for instance. Changes in fundamental belief is a definite threat to the marriage bond.

I polled a community of ex-witnesses and "Unbelieving Mates" to find out how a change in beliefs affected their marriage. I received a full range of reponses. It seems the level of intimacy sought or desired has a lot to do with the relative health of the marriage. Had the couple ever established a common bond?

If the partners were fairly distant to start with, or, were strongly bonded before the change in belief, there was no noticeable change in intimacy.

Either the changing partner or the partner left behind may withdraw emotionally. The changing partner may feel guilty for betraying an assumption made when they married, that they would share a common set of beliefs. The partner left behind feels betrayed.

Those of us who openly choose a partner with different beliefs have an easier time of it. Or maybe we are still flush with young love and the joys of discovery. Time will tell.

I also noticed that the men in my poll are prepared to handle a reduced level of intimacy in the marriage.

Many commented on the effect that the Watchtower society has on physical intimacy as well. It is true, the society does spell out what isn't approved of in the bedroom. I agree with the other commenters, this interference makes me angry!

Here are some more comments from my polled group:

I could totally tell SOMETHING was up with my husband when he started to have his crisis of faith. I just didn't know what. He was always a million miles away, distracted, and totally not there even when he was physically there.

I can't believe what a difference not having the "big elephant in the room" has made in our relationship....It's amazing that the very thing I have been taught my whole life, (study, service, meetings, pray together) ...is the VERY things that blocked true intimacy for us because he NEVER wanted to do those things in the first ten years of our marriage and he couldn't tell me that!

At first it increased the level of intimacy, because when you go through the deconversion you both evaluate practically everything. The meaning of life, and devotion to each other. However, ...with the dust settling, the lines of communication closed as she did not want to talk about pretty much anything of substance, for she had to "protect her faith".

It affects intimacy. Especially for an atheist. Let's think about that for a second. She loves, intimates and is dedicated more to a nonexistent myth, than she is to me, the flesh and blood, manifestly real human partner. How would you feel? Like a third wheel on a car made of cardboard.

While I was changing I was very frightened, and it got in the way of a lot of joy. These days, not a chance!

How can I be intimate with someone who won't allow me to speak, let alone listen to what I have to say?

It just changes the entire fabric of the relationship when one is a Jehovah's Witness. It always feels like there is a whole cong in a room with you. Rather puts a damper on life! You can never be truly free with that person again. It costs you dearly in ways you could never have imagined before.

My marriage was never especially intimate before my doubting and fading began. What with the pressures of serving in the congregation, meetings, service, study, kids, television, extended family, etc. As my doubts increased and eventually solidified I wanted more intimacy. I felt the need to explain all the new thoughts I was having and the research behind them. I burst forth like a weak dam in a rainy season.

We do discuss religious issues from time to time and I strive to be exactly the opposite of how I view the society – dogmatic. I put things forward as ideas and possibilities and we discuss from there.

The religious subjects we discuss are JW-Lite. They aren’t subjects that will deeply question her faith. On the rare occasion when a serious religious subject comes up I remain non-committal in my anti-JW stance.

I long for the day when I can be completely open about my feelings and be accepted by my wife regardless of whether she agrees or not. She may never leave the truth, but I do feel she’ll accept me as long as I am a good husband in other areas.

The problem is always that the second you say something not doctrinally correct, they have to correct you. ...Speaking to her on spiritual matters isn't like speaking to a human being. It is more like speaking to a salesman.

Leaving the WTS is an emotionally traumatic experience. The emotional support that I desperately need from my husband is not there, and instead I find myself in the postion of peace-keeper in our marriage when all I want is for him to tell me that everything is going to be OK.

I truly believe some JW's attend not because of what is said, but in spite of what is said. (e.g. For family and community, not for doctrine.)

I already know how he will view my opinion on anything I've learned and know he pities me for being misled. These feelings don't bring about intimacy.

It just sucks knowing you will always be put behind the demands of the WTS. Leaving it has unquestionably affected our relationship but I think it bothers me more than him.

My Recommendation

If you have discovered that your partner is making a fundamental change in their beliefs, proceed with caution.

If you are the one changing your beliefs, proceed with caution. Remember how you would have felt a few short months ago if your partner had made such a critical change.

Make an assessment on the relative health of your marriage and the intimacy you share.

If your partner is drawing away, comment on it.

Be respectful of their differences, but also insist they respect yours.

As much as possible keep the lines of communication open. Ask questions. Listen carefully to the answers.

Time your talks about religious matters when your partner is geared to their natural personality rather than their "put-on" religious personality, like during a walk or dinner out.

If you miss the loss of intimacy, seek out other forums for expression, like JWD or a network of friends.

Don't bring up the Watchtower dictates on bedroom behavior. The last time they wrote about this was some years ago, and the current policy is "don't ask, don't tell." Once you alert a new JW that there are rules around bedroom behavior, they may cut you off! So stay mum.

Give your partner a hug once in a while and tell them that everything is going to be OK.

Posted by ab6/jgnat at 9:18 PM MST
Post Comment | Permalink | Share This Post

Be a Tugboat
Mood:

suave
Topic: Solutions
Context:

I remember the day it hit me how dangerous the Watchtower Society can be. I had stumbled on some research on the ways the WTS socially isolates it's members, and retains it's members by manipulation and deceit. I was overwhelmed with sadness. What had my husband gotten himself in to? Could he ever possibly untangle himself? I wandered in to the bedroom and gazed at my husband, my eyes welling with tears. "What's wrong?" he asked. "Oh, honey, I'm so sorry you got involved with them." "With who?" he asked, puzzled. I blurted out the information I'd found. An argument quickly erupted. He just didn't see what I did. It ended badly, his eyes glazed over, he kept repeating, "But I know it's the truth." over and over. "Oh my goodness, I married a robot" I thought. I had just triggered a major cognitive dissonance episode. I relate the experience to crashing a large boat in to a dock. A fluffier image, thanks to my friend, is of a child chasing gulls down the beach. No matter how badly the child wants to play with them, they do not come near.

Shortly after 3 p.m. on October 15, 2003, a ferry struck a concrete pier in Staten Island killing at least 10 passengers and injuring 42 others, many critically. According to eyewitnesses, the 310-foot-long ferry was about to dock at Staten Island when the vessel struck a pier surrounded by wooden pilings. The pilings cut the ferry's port side, ripping steel and windows as the vessel moved ahead. Passengers told investigators the ship failed to slow down before the collision and neither the captain nor the crew issued a warning. Source: http://www.injuryboard.com/view.cfm/Topic=1123

An exuberant child chases down the gulls. Link: www.pbase.com/sheila/image/32960097

I kept researching and studying the WTS. I realized my direct attack on the WTS was all wrong. All it had done was force my husband in to a hard-line stance to maintain his belief. If I could not attack my husband's beliefs directly, how could I help him understand the danger of his decision? I came up with the image of a tugboat. Though much smaller than the ships it services, it is powerful and flexible. It tugs the massive ship to where it needs to go, with greater finesse than the great ship can handle on it's own. A good tug brings the great ship in with no casualties. Again, a sweeter illustration was offered by a friend of mine. Imagine coaxing a shy rabbit to eat from your hand. You need patience, persistence, and no sudden moves!

Tugs might be thought of as essential port services, enabling big unwieldy ships to be handled into small spaces, hauling very large vessels through locks and protecting them against the unexpected wind or tide that could sweep them out of a channel, or bang them against a quay or another ship. Tug skippers are fine ship handlers, who can work with pilots and operate as a team to handle big ships safely. They escort tankers in and out of oil ports, ready to act as an emergency brake and rudder if there is trouble with the tanker's engines or steering gear. They push and pull barges, floating cranes or other "dumb" non-propelled craft, applying their considerable muscle to wherever it is needed. http://www.njscuba.net/artifacts/ship_tugboat.html

Patiently, he coaxes the rabbit to eat from his hand.

Problem:

Direct confrontation of a Jehovah's Witnesses beliefs forces them further in to the put-on religious personality and farther from you.

Forces:

You see your partner's beliefs and worldview drawing farther away from you.

Your partner has been pre-warned that those closest to them may resist the changes they are making in their life.

Your partner has been pre-warned that this resistance is inspired by Satan.

Your partner's study leader will be encouraging him or her to involve themselves more and more in the all important spiritual activity.

A person caught in a cognitive dissonance gap is afraid, uncomfortable, or embarrassed. Address these negative emotions first before trying to engage their logical thinking.

Essence of the Solution:

Be a tugboat, coax your partner in to fresh ways of thinking instead of using direct confrontation. This prevents a cognitive dissonance episode, forcing your partner in to a harder stance.

More about the Solution:

It works much better to bring up alternate viewpoints in casual conversation. I don't drill my point home every time. Many small tugs build a momentum and ease the big doctrines home. There are a few WT doctrines that I find especially offensive, and I rarely let those WT slogans go by without comment.

I challenge every sweeping WT comment on the morality and ethics of "worldly people". I bring the vague WT comments home to where we live. I ask hubby if he sees me, our other worldly friends and neighbors, in the way the WT article describes? What about our neighbour Sarah, who sends us chili and other treats our of her surplus, or wacky James, who literally gave the shirt off his back to my hubby on a dare? Or Brenda, who sends my hubby baking and helped him burn his first CD?

Two other catch-phrases I turn about on the Watchtower are "imperfect" and "truth". Imperfection is often used as an excuse by the WTS for the various failings of the leadership. When my hubby says, "follow the truth" or "left the truth", I always challenge him. "You mean that person left 'an organization of imperfect men.' No-one can leave the truth, it's just there. Is truth a place? How can you leave the truth if it lives in you?" By challenging these catch-phrases directly, I reduce their power over my husband. At the same time, I embed some basic principles, such as, "The truth is not a place." and, "An organization can't be imperfect and The Truth at the same time."

I also use little questions to awaken my husband's latent thinking power,

Are they saying that everyone who is not a Jehovah's Witness will be destroyed? Does this include Sarah and James and Brenda?

The actions of that Elder was not Christian behavior!

I cannot imagine my pastor ever interfering in the private lives of the congregation like that, ever!

Resulting Context:

A Jehovah's Witnesses' devotion comes in waves. You may be cheered by a gradual falling away, only to see your partner's zeal renewed by an incident or Watchtower article. Fighting discouragement is a constant challenge for an UBM. Find some friends you can use as a sounding board.

Watch those battles! A few angry words, and your partner may ever afterwards consider you a member of Satan's camp.

The study leader is exerting their own influence, which you may not be able to predict or anticipate. Work on maintaining openness and trust with your partner. You want to know if the study leader ever suggests subterfuge or deceit to work around your resistance.

Turning a person's mind to alternate ideas is a very slow process. Think years, not months. You may wonder if you have the time or energy necessary to work this out.

Known Uses:

To avoid a cognitive dissonance loop and gradually encourage your JW partner to accept alternate ideas outside of the Watchtower literature.

Posted by ab6/jgnat at 9:08 PM MST
Updated: Sunday, 13 November 2005 9:12 PM MST
Post Comment | Permalink | Share This Post

Add Fun
Mood:

party time!
Topic: Solutions

Opening Story:

The routine was pretty well set these days; Book Study on Tuesday night, Service Meeting on Thursday, field service Saturday morning, and the Public Talk on Sunday. I'd adjusted my own expectations and learned to entertain myself the nights he was gone. Even so, I could see the constant pressure to perform was getting to him. I hated it when he talked about having "nowhere else to go". With a schedule like that, he sure didn't have much time to develop outside friends and interests. I determined to engage him in as many outside activities as possible. "Hey, let's take a break and go to the dollar theatre tonight." We started going out on non-meeting nights, and they were a great time to be together and away from all responsibilities for a few hours.

One day he surprised me by suggesting a movie instead on a meeting night. He complained of a headache. He just couldn't make it to the meeting. I studied him cautiously, "Of course. It's not like you make it a habit. I am sure Jehovah understands". I was sad that I had to help him break through the massive guilt. But I helped him do it. A normal night. Inside, I cheered.

Context:

Add activities, people, and fun to your JW's life so they have somewhere to go to when they are ready to leave.

Problem:

It's not enough to tear down the Watchtower doctrine. The WTS is much more an anti-religion than a religion. Many converts are attracted to them because the WTS are openly critical of establishment. Witnesses are regularly told that there is "nowhere else to go". So even when they may entertain secret doubts, they stick to the endless grind of meetings, field service and conventions, well after their heart has gone out of it.

Often non-JW partners make the mistake of pouring all their energy in proving the Watchtower wrong. That's not enough. Minus zero and you have less than nothing. You also have to add positive alternatives to your JW's life, so that they have an understanding that they have something to go to.

Forces:

The JW's week is packed with meetings and activities that isolate the JW. They have little time to establish outside interets.

The WTBTS teaches that spiritual goals are superior to any other.

The JW's are told that excessive entertainment and recreation get in the way of spiritual interests.

Your JW will feel massive guilt for skipping a single meeting to go have "fun".

JW's are taught that "worldly people" are not to be trusted. Any misunderstanding and your JW may choose to "shun" the "bad association". This makes friendship-building a challenge.

Essence of the Solution:

Add fun activities outside of the WTBTS on non-meeting nights.

Find mutual interests, and look for opportunities to add those interests to your week.

When your JW partner is ready to start breaking the JW meeting, they may suggest doing something fun on meeting night. Be ready for it, and support your partner in their decision.

Be sure to address the guilt, and reassure them that Jehovah understands.

More about the Solution:

The challenge might be in finding a mutual interest you might share.

Quiz your partner about their pre-JW life. Were there activities or hobbies they took part in that they've dropped since they became a witness? These activities, especially, will bring the pre-JW personality to the fore.

Here are some ideas, untested, that might work. Twentysomethings, help me out here, and give me some more suggestions! You are likely a whole bunch more fun than I am.

Bowling (the nerdiness, the enthusiasm, the uniforms, the comaraderie. Don't they just remind you a little bit of the JW's? It seems to me that bowling clubs are a great way to be part of the community)

An evening class at the community college.

Bible study group (A challenge, since JW's are warned against them. But it worked for me. The added bonus is the group will support you and pray for you the days your partner is not there.)

A sport like skiing, skating, swimming (can you tell I live in Canada?)

The second most critical moment is the first time your partner skips a meeting night to have fun. Look for signs of guilt on the day of, and several days following. Do your best to encourage them that they are not disappointing Jehovah to take a single day off. Don't get discouraged if your partner shows an extra spurt of zeal for a week or so. Their energy is from guilt, not enthusiasm. This is a good sign in the long run, as they are secretly admitting that fun night was, well, fun!

Resulting Context:

This strategy probably is easier for couples without children. We've got lots of spare time on our hands. If you have children, you are going to have to be extra-creative in your time management.

The WTS may have caught on to this strategy. Recent articles are critical of fun.

(WT September 15, 2005, page 18, photograph and caption, "Does recreation often keep you from theocratic activites?" In the long run, however, this may still work on your favour. People can't run forever on empty batteries.

It takes a considerable amount of energy and planning to maintain this strategy.

Besides your best efforts, your JW partner may lose "worldly" friends as fast as you gain them.

Keep an eye out for retaliatory guilt, and do your best to reassure your partner that an evening away here or there won't hurt.

Known Uses:

Reduce the overpowering influence of the Watchtower society for an evening, get your old partner back temporarily.

Provide "somewhere to go" when your partner is ready to divorce himself from the endless grind of meetings.

Posted by ab6/jgnat at 6:58 AM MST
Updated: Tuesday, 8 November 2005 7:02 AM MST
Post Comment | Permalink | Share This Post

Confront Quietly
Mood:

chillin'
Topic: Solutions

"Go Ahead, Make My Day!" Few people have never heard the immortal words uttered by Clint Eastwood, a.k.a. Lt. "Dirty" Harry Callahan in Sudden Impact (Warner Bros. Inc. 1983). Here's the action leading up to the famous phrase, borrowed from a law student's paper: http://www.law.unlv.edu/faculty/bam/k2001/sudden.html

From the side door of the diner, suddenly Lt. Callahan appears, stating he had been coming to the diner for a number of years and never had the waitress given him sugar in his coffee before. When the assailants tell him to leave, the following dialogue occurs:

Lt. Callahan: We’re not going to let you walk out of here.

Assailant: Who’s we?

Lt. Callahan: Smith & Wesson and me.

When the assailants start shooting at him, Callahan returns fire, possibly killing two and wounding the third man.

The wounded man grabs the waitress, holding her in front of him with a gun to her head. Then, the immortal words from Callahan: "Go ahead, make my day." At this point, Callahan has his gun in the man’s face and police cars are pulling up to the front of the diner. The man puts his gun down and surrenders.

The hero manages to convey is extreme displeasure without any overt signs of anger, and without yelling. Yet his words are loaded with meaning. How did he convey his intensity? With facial expression, direct eye contact, and a calm tone of voice. I consider this to be an excellent example of anger under control. Compare Callahan's example to a mall scene between mother and child.

The child, red-faced and runny, wails aimlessly as she toddles down the hall. "But I wanna I wanna I wannna now..." Mom impatiently yanks on her arm. "Hurry up, and shut up! If you keep on like this I am NEVER TAKING YOU TO THE MALL AGAIN!" The little girl's wail amplifies to a siren, "I DONT WANNA WANNA I BE GOOD NOW NO NO NO NO." Mom, "YOU BE QUIET OR NO CANDY FOR YOU!" Child "I WANT MY CAAAAANDY, NONONONO I WANNA NOW" Mom, "THAT'S IT WE'RE GOING HOME RIGHT NOW, RIGHT NOW I TELL YOU!", Glances around at the crowd of averted faces, "Now you be quiet and I'll give you your candy." Yanks the child's arm again, "DO YOU HEAR ME?"

There are a few things this mother is doing wrong, but I will focus on one of them, lack of control. When she gets mad and amplifies her voice, she is advertising to the world that she has lost control of the situation. Shouting can work sometimes. But if yelling becomes a habit, it becomes the annoying siren in the background that everyone desperately tries to shut out.

How does this relate to the Jehovah's Witness experience? I have found that JW's are very receptive to quiet confrontation. If I raise my voice in anger, on the other hand, I am immediately cut off as being influenced by Satan. You can get a taste of this mild manner of speech by reading the first few paragraphs in any of the Watchtower materials. The public talks are the same. A mild and well-modulated voice calmly presents outrageous information, carefully cushioned in cotton-wool.

Context:

You need to confront your JW partner with something that concerns you. Some of the things you have been learning about the Jehovah's Witnesses are alarming, and your partner has become increasingly distant whenever you bring up religion or the Witnesses. You know you have been cut out, you are getting angry, and you need to let your partner know how you feel.

Problem:

Whenever you have tried to express your concerns in the past, your partner has shut down and refused to talk to you. Even worse, afterwards she now looks at you as if you are controlled by Satan or something.

Forces:

By the third visit, a JW study has already been primed to expect opposition from family and friends.

The study is told that this opposition is from Satan, and they must resist it.

The Jehovah's Witness presentation style is mild and unassuming at all times. This is attractive and reassuring.

You may have genuine concerns and some reasonable pent-up frustration over the turn of events. You deserve to be heard.

How do you express your feelings in a constructive manner in a way your partner will listen?

Essence of the Solution:

If you imitate the style of the Jehovah's Witnesses, you have a much better chance of being heard by your partner.

More about the Solution:

If "just do it" is your style, you may just wing it. Follow Clint Eastwood's lead. When you have your talk, have direct eye contact and keep your voice calm and well modulated. Remember, you can be very confrontational while behaving in a very calm manner. Your heart may be beating through your chest, but you have Clint Eastwood's steely stare. This style has much power, and your partner will know you are in control. Or, you can use a planned approach, outlined below:

Explore your feelings about the whole situation. Why does it bother you so much?

Think up some word-pictures to describe how you feel. You may use word-pictures we've developed on this site if they fit.

Write down your fears and concerns. Be as genuine as possible.

Read a few paragraphs from a Watchtower magazine or attend a public talk to get a feeling on how to modulate your voice so that a Jehovah's Witness will be receptive to what you have to say.

Make a date to talk to your partner. Pick a location and a time when both of you are usually calm and relaxed. My hubby and I have had some of our best talks when we take a long walk.

Tell your partner what is bothering you. Then ask them what the two of you might do to calm your fears.

Avoid ultimatums if you can, but be clear what has to change for you to be at ease.

Resulting Context:

Sometimes I put off my plan so long the moment is lost.

I wait too long to share my fears, so I end up blowing up anyways. If this happens, don't beat yourself up over it. Figure out what went wrong. Do you need to clean up your own act first? Then try again another day.

People unpredictable, and sometimes they do not respond to our best efforts. If this doesn't work, back to the drawing board. Why didn't my plan work? Is my partner able to understand my feelings?

Known Uses:

To bring up a sticky problem with a JW partners.

If I am feeling misused or angry, and I need to share those feelings with my partner in a productive way.

Posted by ab6/jgnat at 7:22 AM MST
Post Comment | Permalink | Share This Post

Secrecy: Pros and Cons
Mood:

don't ask
Topic: Backgrounder

Who doesn't preserve their partner's feelings by not revealing the complete truth? My neighbour told this story from the early days of her marriage. Her husband, raised in poverty, never complained about the food set before him. He always cleaned his plate. She often made him chili, sometimes twice a week. Six years later they are in a restaurant. She sees chili on the menu and mentions it to her husband. "No way. I hate chili!" She was dismayed of course, but laughs about it now. Imagine, blissfully serving her husband something he hated, for six years!

My husband often asks me if I can see the new growth in his bald spot. I ask him if I look hot in my new dress. We both weigh the cost of complete honesty.

We may be compelled to keep our research private, since JW's have such an adverse reaction to any critical literature. They are taught that all critical material is from Satan. Just try and live with someone who thinks you are possessed by the Evil One. On the other hand, what kind of marriage survives a severe division in thought and mind? Sneaking around cannot last forever.

I have my own approach to privacy and secrecy, but it may not work for everybody. I polled a group of UBM's find out if they hide their JW research from their partner. If they did, was there a cost to their relationship? If they were completley open, what was the result?

Here's a summary of what I learned.

If you are determined to preserve your marriage, don't share all your research. You need your partner to trust that you are on their side.

On the surface, at least, be supportive of all their ambitions and dreams, even if it leads them closer to the society.

Do be open with your feelings on how the involvement with the JW's affects you. You do need intimacy with your marriage partner, otherwise, what's the point?

Test the waters once in a while, to see if they might be open to new ideas.

The UBM's tell me that their JW partners really don't want details of their partner's JW research. This has been my experience as well. Denial is not just a river in Egypt. Is it a kindness to share information that they are not prepared to hear? How much better to tell them when they are ready?

Do plan on coming clean some day in the future, after they have exited the society for good.

Here's some UBM stories from my poll:

The emotions of ubm's can range from despair, depression, rage, indifference, to how much longer? Moments of hope, moments of no hope, and anything in between all of those.

When I read apostate books openly in the past, it became a big scandal in the hall, and made everyone uncomfortable.

The most honest thing though, is to be honest about your emotions. You are likely going to be hurt or angry by your experiences with a jw loved one. You do need to make those feelings known or they will fester into resentment and rage. So by all means, discuss your feelings. Just be very careful to focus your discussions on the individual JW. Do not let the WTS become the focus.

My problem is simply the fact that most JW's spend their entire lives stumbling around, swaddled like mummies in layer after layer of bad information and outright falsehoods. If someone wants to be a JW after the bandages are removed; Fine.

Do you hide your reference materials from your partner? I did at first. He found my books in a closet a couple years ago and he asked me if he could take them and put them in a storage shed we rented. He claimed he had been having trouble sleeping at night and thought it was the demons surrounding the material I had.

I do not hide the fact that I use the internet and a message board, she does not want to know about it. My wife knows the score and is savvy enough to keep it quiet from the elders . Advice?...I would only say the same as in any marital dispute. Try and talk, try and keep it reasonable and not angry , and above all show that just because you left the WT, you have not changed into the kind of monster that the WT says we are....

I knew when I started my journey away from the witness that the road would be lonely and possibly cost me my wife and family. I've made myself suffer intolerable frustration, anger, guilt, pain and sickness to fade and not just get up and walk away. I've done it for my family and for no other reason. So far the payoff has been a closer family relationship and some leeway in witness rules and regulations. I can only hope that when the time comes to discuss things in more detail that I'm clear and sensible. I pray regularly for assitance with that.

When he first became aware that I was visiting anti-JW sites, he was really angry, which is saying something because he's a very laid-back kind of guy. He's gotten used to it now, and now I think his curiosity is getting to him. At times, I think he's dying to know who I'm talking to or what I'm reading. But he also knows that info is off limits to him, for my own self-preservation. I don't think he'll ever leave the WTS just to find out what I'm doing, but the fact that I can be so happy being away from the WT, when I have always been so 'spiritual', is gnawing at him I think.

(From a couple where she is now exiting from the JW's)

He: There were a couple of times I had JWD (www.jehovahs-witness.com ) open and she was walking towards my laptop and I wasn't sure I would close everything in time.

She: Yes, I did know something was up. I would walk over and he's be fumbling around on the computer and I'd be asking him a question and he'd be stuttering around..."What? What? " I figured he must be a porn addict or something!

He: Even though my wife was as good as "out" of the Org at one point, I NEVER offered her CoC or Christian Freedom or Gentile Times books until she SAID OUT LOUD: " I want to get the Gentile Times book." or "I would like to read one of Franz's books." During times of doubt in the future (which can likely happen) I do not want her to look back and even BEGIN to think I pushed the "apostate" literature on her in ANY way.

She: We are very open about everything now, but I am actually getting a taste of the sneaking around with info. thing now. Whenever someone drops by (JW's) I have to quickly scan the house to make sure I've put all my info. and books away. It's very hard to live like that! I still am hiding all my Ray Franz books in case someone drops by, or if my kids friends spot it and tell their parents.

Posted by ab6/jgnat at 6:21 AM MST
Post Comment | Permalink | Share This Post

NEGATIVE EMOTION	ADDRESS THE EMOTION
Fear of eternal death. I have heard Elders use the fear of eternal death to get compliance from a congregation member.	Reassure your partner that you are sure they are "Secure in Jehovah's Memory." Bring up the good works they have done recently. Remind them that God sees all that they do and does not forget. Remind them that when they confess their sins to God, he buries their sins in His sea of forgetfulness. If an elder has questioned your partner's eternal reward, ask him how the elder, an admittedly "imperfect man" could know your heart condition? Isn't a person's spiritual condition known by Jehovah alone?
Fear loss of spirituality or morality if the JW structure was gone.	Give examples of when your partner made moral or spiritual choices on their own, without the aid of the elders or a Watchtower article. Reinforce your partner's personal strength of will.
Fear loss of friends and family. (This happens after the convert has cut off or alienated "worldly" friends and relatives.	Maintain or build a network of friends outside of the Watchtower Society. Do this for yourself if necessary, your partner will get to know your friends through osmosis. This way, they have some hope of a social network outside of the WTS.
Fear that Satan or Evil Spirits are influencing you.	When confronting your partner, speak calmly, don't swear, act like a Jehovah's Witness. If you think they may be fearing that your genuine concerns are from the Evil One, call them on it. "Do you believe me when I tell you I am worried? Do you understand that I have reasons to be concerned? You don't think I'm being influenced by an evil spirit, do you?"
Embarrassed that they may have wasted months or years on an empty cause. I've heard an elder use this argument with a discouraged JW more than once, "You have invested so much. Do you really want to throw all that hard work away now, when you are so close?"	Use illustrations of gamblers or investors who can't walk away when they are down on their luck. Discuss the emotions of the gambler and why it is so hard to walk away. You don't have to associate this with the WT experience right away. Plant the seeds for reaping later. When they are ready to hear it, ask them what it would take for them to know that it is smarter to cut their losses and walk away?
Embarrassed, "How could I have been so stupid?"	Smart people are just as vulnerable to cognitive dissonance as everyone else. Smart people are better at making excuses for their illogical behavior. Tell your partner that people who own up to their mistakes are smart, sexy, desireable, and stronger than the average person.
Uncomfortable that your challenges don't fit his new world view.	Bring up alternate ideas in bits, drop seeds. The goal is not to set off a major dissonant episode.

«	November 2005					»

S	M	T	W	T	F	S
		1	2	3	4	5
6	7	8	9	10	11	12
13	14	15	16	17	18	19
20	21	22	23	24	25	26
27	28	29	30