Trust in a Religiously Divided Household
Mood:  hug me
Topic: Backgrounder
I polled a group of Unbelieving Mates, or UBM's on their feelings on trust in their marriage. From the poll results it is clear that intimacy, trust, and honesty go together. Each is impacted by the others in dozens of ways. Any can be improved or weakened by action or inaction, each of these principles of relationships require effort to achieve and maintain. It is clear too, that if communication and intimacy had broken down before a partner changes faiths, it makes it doubly hard afterward to salvage the tatters. All human relationships involve trust to varying degrees. Marriage is probably one of the ultimate expressions of trust because both of you are vulnerable on so many fronts (physical, emotional, financial ). Before making a major life change (like changing religious beliefs), think of your spouse.

Trust means:
- You've got their back.
- Trust can be like money, it can lost but can be earned back. The earning it is hard once it is lost.
- When you trust someone, you can rely on them and have confidence in the decisions they will make. I think it’s closely related to predictability.
- Marriage is completely betting the farm on another person. Not just yours, but all your progeny as well.

Want to be trusted?

-Say what you mean and mean what you say.
- Stay trustworthy, even when it hurts, especially through the tough times.

Here are some more comments:
Trust is a very big issue in the divided religious household. I have had 3 major surgeries and some illnesses since my husband and I have been married. I had to trust him that he would follow my instructions against his religious beliefs. That's a big thing. But in the same regard, I have to do the same if he's ever in that situation. And we were in that situation this summer. I watched him say no to blood products while having surgery. While I completely disagree with this, its his life and his decision to make.

I just asked my wife if she trusts me. She said "not entirely." I asked "why?". She said, "Because I know you are going through some sort of midlife crisis these days, and I don't know really what to expect from you..." I had to laugh because she is such a straight shooter, and because I can only imagine how she must see me in her ultra-moral and boring JW life, where I am the evil atheist who is screwing up his life and throwing caution to the wind and has a purposeless existence. Which is all true, I may add. But ya, I can see what she means. I have had a lot of surprises for her in the last year. Probably coming out of the closet as an atheist that had been praying to a non-existent Jehovah, and closing in a non-existent Jesus' name, and commenting at the book study about stuff that I thought was total BS for months and months, was a blow to her trust in me. It seems silly to me, but it's obviously not to her.

The biggest break of trust in our marriage happened when he realized that I wasn't going to be a JW anymore. For a while it really shook his trust in me. He thought that everything about me had changed. In fact, he told me that he didn't know me anymore, that I wasn't the person he had married anymore. That hurt, because I was the same person, still a good wife and mother... believing that the WTBTS is not God's mouthpiece on earth does not make me a bad person!! Once he realized that my ‘apostate’ activities were a betrayal to the WTS and not to him personally, or to our marriage, the trust he had in me before all this slowly returned.
I have never lied to him or misled him or hidden anything important from him - until now, leaving the [Watchtower Society]. And he knows that I hide some things now, but he also knows the reasons why. And I honestly think that if he didn't trust me so much, he would give me a much harder time about my clandestine activities than he does.

The big thing where we are lacking is that she joined [the Watchtower Society] after I asked her to put it off. I only wanted a little time to understand the implications of her baptism. I also thought it was reasonable to ask her to look at the facts, with me, with a fresh set of eyes. I felt that, as her husband, this was a completely reasonable request. I would never have joined if she came to me that way. But the effects of mind control are deep and profound. She made a profound change in our life without my consent. To me, there is no "us". There is only "her". Even if she left the [Watchtower Society] tomorrow, I would still be looking for her next catastrophic choice.

Dress for the Hall
Mood:  flirty
Topic: Solutions
Opening Story:

My missionary friend had just come back from Mexico. We talked about the cultural differences and getting used to life in Canada. He noticed that he had to "pause and reflect" before he went outdoors. In Mexico, he never gave a thought to the weather before he went outside. I noticed that Mexicans require much less personal space. My missionary friend reflected while innocently cuddled side-to-side on a park bench. I love talking to friends from the tropics, too, because of my own homesickness for the West Indies.

The markets are so different than in Canada. You are expected to barter. When a white person enters the market, the prices rise in a wave before them. It is assumed that if you are a tourist, you can afford the markup. This was a problem for my missionary friend, a nordic blonde, as he was living as a native and had no more income than the people he was serving. He got in to the habit of bringing one of his native-born daughters along. As soon as his girls started chatting in the native dialect, the merchant relaxed. And relaxed the price.

People are more relaxed when they are with their own, an identifiable group. When you attend a gathering as an outsider, it helps to do what you can to "fit in". If you dress like a native, people you meet will likely be more relaxed and treat you more like their own kind. My first, dramatic, visit to a Kingdom Hall certainly bore this out. I'll give you the back story to set the scene.

I and my Jehovah's Witness husband had married months before, the culmination of a three-year courtship. While I was dating Art he had started studying with the Witnesses. He chose to keep our relationship a secret. He did try "testing the waters" a couple of times, confessing that he was dating a non-JW but each time he received a firm warning that scared him off from bringing it up again. So we married quietly, with my parents and my children, my granddaughter and the Justice of the Peace. After we were married I told my husband he had to come clean at the hall. I was tired of being treated like an embarrassing secret. He kept putting it off. The last time he'd brought it up, he lost two night's sleep over it. He had told the elders he'd prayed about it and was content to leave his fate in Jehovah's hands. The elders had replied, "What makes you think that Jehovah hears your prayers?" So we continued our early married life in limbo. He continued going to the Kingdom Hall, and I went to my church half a block away.

We were quickly heading for a collission, though. The elders were talking about granting my husband more responsibility. I warned Art that he would be deceiving these Elders and lying to the Holy Spirit if he continued in this lie. Still he put it off.


The final straw, I am ashamed to admit, came on a day I was a woman scorned, aggrieved and neglected. Art had put off my amorous advances that morning. Even though he knew I was a simmering cauldron of feminine misery, he chose that morning to pretend that I would peacefully let it pass, if he ignored me long enough. So I made my decision. I dressed carefully, did my hair up nicely, and put on a full application of war paint. I asked him to drop me off at church on his way to the hall, our regular pattern. He dropped me off at the rear entrance, pecked me on the cheek, and drove off to his own service. I watched him drive out of sight. Then I picked up my heels and trotted off to the Kingdom Hall myself. I walked in shortly before the service was to begin, located my husband, and sat myself beside him. The look on his face satisfied my burning desire for justice. He whispered furiously if I might sit somewhere else. "No way, I am your wife," I answered. In a panic, he ran to the back of the hall to request an emergency meeting with the elders. His moment of truth had come, the elders would know about me.

I came to this first Kingdom Hall meeting dressed to fit in, even though I was a complete stranger to the ladies there. During that first meeting a few ladies confided some of the local gossip, assuming I was the wife of the visiting speaker. I learned a lot about the plans to renovate the hall. Word was out within the week of course, and I never had such a candid conversation again. It was fun while it lasted.

Context:
When you do get together with the Jehovah's Witnesses, either at the Kingdom Hall or informal gatherings, dressing like them can help them relax, help them to be more open, and help you fit in.

Problem:
You don't want to be treated like "fresh meat" or a "worldly person" or even worse, a "pagan" when you first visit the Kingdom Hall.

Forces:
Your partner may also want you to "fit in" with the "clean living" members of the Kingdom Hall.
You may feel like rebelling at times - why do you have to conform? You don't of course, and there may be times that you choose to overtly rebel to preserve your individuality. If you treat the dressing up as a way to appease the natives, and not a reflection of your true nature, the dressing up can be made tolerable, even fun.

Jehovah's Witnesses are more relaxed when they are around people who dress and act like them.

Essence of the Solution:
To fit in at a JW gathering, dress conservatively, as if you were attending a business meeting or a funeral.

More about the Solution:
I have the advantage of having a full wardrobe that fits the JW standard for modesty. Their standards are very similaer to any evangelical church that bought in to the "holiness" movement in the seventies. For those of us who lived through it, Christians attempted to set themselves apart from the "world" by dressing differently than the "world". The holiness movement also affected makeup, reading, music, and recreation. The holiness movement inspired book burning, record burning, and measured skirt hemlines. I am certain the Jehovah's Witnesses got caught up in this movement as well, and though the rules are gone, there is still a strong standard for dress and appearance for both men and women. Also, Rutherford, the former president of the Watchtower Society, wished it's representatives to dress themselves in a clean and decent manner when presenting their literature at the doors. This tradition continues to this day.

Men:
Clean-shaven
Hair well trimmed above the collar
Suit or sports jacket with dress slacks
Dress shirt and tieTie
Dress shoes
Portfolio or suitcase
No: dreadlocks, tattoos, body piercing, "soul patch", beards, jeans, turtleneck sweaters, sneakers, hair coloring other than natural colors.

Women:
Hair - streaks OK, but no unnatural colors.
Makeup OK, modestly applied.
Dress, suit-dress, or blouse/sweater and skirt
Skirt, short slit only. Length below the knee is best.
Button collar one higher than you are used to.
Nylons, dress shoes
Usually don't bother with a hat or other formal head-covering.
No: dreadlocks, tattoos, body piercing, slacks/jeans/pants of any kind, sneakers, hair coloring other than natural colors.

Resulting Context:
Congregation members have gone so far to mildly accuse me of "fooling" them. As far as possible, be honest regarding your stand regarding the JW's. Your goal is to put them at ease, not to creep them out. If asked where I have come from, I usually respond, "My husband attends XXX congregation."
You may get fed up with fitting in,and have an overwhelming desire to express yourself. If you are at the point where individuality must express yourself, do it! Once in a while I wear slacks. Nothing terrible happens, I'm not expelled or anything. When I do wear slacks though, it does mark me as an "unbeliever", and I am treated more like "fresh meat" than "interesting stranger".
Your partner may demand that you fit in. I don't have this problem, as I usually dress conservatively anyways, and my husband is very accommodating. I always ask before we go if I look OK.

Known Uses:
Dress up for a visit to the Kingdom Hall, conventions and assemblies to keep the JW's at ease.

2005/10/15 Beware of developing a Haughty Heart
Mood:  don't ask
Topic: Forecast
Synopsis: Pharoah, Hagar, Hezekiah were haughty and see what happened to them. Haughtiness originates with Satan.

Forecast: I call these articles manhood shrinkers. Break out the Viagra.

Elder comeback lines
Mood:  energetic
Topic: Backgrounder
I don't mind if there are legitimate reasons and arguments to be a Jehovah's Witnesse, but I dislike the use of manipulation.

When a Jehovah's Witness starts to express doubts, often a lot of pressure is brought to bear for them to stay. Very often, this pressure is brought on by JW elders. Here are some common questions and manipulative statements used by elders to convince a JW to remain.

Even if an exiting JW doesn't come back with the perfect comeback, knowing how you they are being manipulated inoculates them from it's effects. They will have a lot less trouble walking away without answering the Elder's interrogation.

Attack
You have a problem, brother.	Is my problem that you're unloving?	Scriptures?
Did you get this information off the internet?	I am confused by your question. If it is correct, does it matter where it came from? Would you turn away truth from a donkey?	Scriptures?
Why do you always point to negative things? You used to be such a positive person.	You aren't asking me what I like about the organization. I didn't (leave;stop going to meetings/field service) because of positive things.	Scriptures?
Selective bible quotes like: They were not of our sort and went out from us. Are you not of our sort?	If I take out the trash, am I not of your sort? No? Just because someone leaves does not mean they are no longer part of us, right? We have to ask ourselves, WHY are they leaving?	Scriptures?
Deflect
We don't know what your situation is, and we don't want to get too personal.	I appreciate that. It is best if you don't risk inquiring about things that really aren't anyone else's business.	1 Thessalonians 4:11
Deal breakers This is used when the elders have given up trying to turn you and want to establish a good reason not to talk to you any more.
Do you still believe that the Faithful and Discreet Slave is Jehovah's representative here on earth in our day?	I am not sure anymore. One thing that weakens my confidence is that they seem scared of anyone who doubts the truth of that.	Matthew 10:24-31
Delay
Wait on Jehovah.	Should I use this advice on contributions, too? If Jehovah will provide, we don't have to bother. I am waiting. I am just avoiding meetings while I wait.	Scriptures?
Put it all in the bin.	Answer?	Scriptures?
Why not be like Moses and accept the situation for now, who knows what Jehovah has in store for you?	Moses left his homeland of birth and waited at a great distance. And no human or group of humans set him on his eventual purpose.	Scriptures?
Increase Cognitive Dissonance
You've invested so much already, it would be a shame to throw it all away.	I know, doesn't it all seem wasted? Why go on this way, expecting more of the same? What if I had eaten only McDonald's my whole life and the doctor said it would kill me if I kept going that way? Would it matter how much I had invested?	Scriptures?
Can you take your stumbling blocks and turn them into stepping stones?	Yes. But since I was stumbled by path XXX, wouldn't it make more sense to try a different?less dangerous?path next time?	Scriptures?
Our kids grew up together.	I know. I will miss many of the people I love so much. But I can't afford to make decisions about religion based on emotion, can I?	Scriptures?
Instill Guilt
Even if you just KNOW about a sin, and you don't notify the Elders of that person's sin, it's as if you committed the sin yourself.	[search furiously through NT] I must have missed that one. Where does it say that in any instructions to Christians?	Scriptures?
We miss you.We love you.	Great! Why don't you give me a call next week and we'll go for coffee.	Scriptures?
We missed your partner at the meeting.	Great! Why don't you give us a call next week and we'll go for coffee.	Scriptures?
We understand that sometimes it's difficult to express ourselves when we have been accused of committing a sin. Is there anything we can do to help you express your feelings about how this all started?	First, you could stop comparing an accusation to a conviction. You can help me to express myself by telling me who made an accusation, what evidence there is of the accusation, and whether you have already found me guilty of the accused behavior. Once you have done that I may have some things to tell you.	Scriptures?
It's so nice to see you here as a family.	Answer?	Scriptures?
We love you.	O, how I wish I could believe that!	Scriptures?
What do we tell the brothers?	About what?	Scriptures?
Is there anything that you feel that you ought to be telling us?	Oh, yes! I have many things to tell you, but I'm not sure you can bear them.	Scriptures?
Instill self-doubt
How do you know Jehovah hears your prayers?	Why do think Jehovah is listening to your prayers? What's the evidence?	Scriptures?
You know what you did was wrong.	Are you talking to me or a mirror? I know what I did, you only know what you say I did.	Scriptures?
If you're stumbled maybe it's because you want to be stumbled, maybe you're looking for an excuse to slow down.	So, by this reasoning, no Witness could actually be stumbled by someone or something else. Is that what Jesus said?	Luke 17:1-4
Instill Fear
How do you know Jehovah hears your prayers?	I haven't lost confidence in Jehovah. All who call on him in confidence, he hears. As long as they pray in accordance with his will. Don't you believe that?	Isaiah 30:18, 19; 1 John 5:13-15
Is your choice worth giving up your life for?	Are my choices worth living for?	Scriptures?
See what happens when you leave Jehovah?	I see what happens when you leave an organization that speaks in Jehovah's name. Is that the same as leaving Jehovah?	Scriptures?
Sometimes you think you can get away with things, but Jehovah sees everything, and it will be much worse for you to be judged by HIM	How true that is! Maybe someone should write and remind the Governing Body that their accountability for error is greater than mine.	Romans 2:1-11
Here are some scriptures on Apostacy. You don't want to go apostate, do you? 2 Tim 3:10-14, 2 Tim 2, 2 Tim 1 20-21, 2 Thess 15:2, 1 John 2:18-19, 2 Peter 2.	I don't want to apostatize myself from God, Jesus, or the Bible. But none of these scriptures discusses leaving an organization, do they? Hasn't the Governing Body also said the resurrection has already occurred? Starting in 1919?	Galatians 1:6-9; 2 Timothy 2:18
As in the days of Noah, the people were laughing and mocking, until the flood came and took them all away.	Yes, they took no note at all of the ark, God's means of salvation. Why do we say the organization is God's means of salvation instead of Jesus? Isn't Jesus the modern day ark? Was Jesus apostate since he directed people to a different approach to God than the organization of his day?	2 Peter 3; John 14:6-7
Where else will you go?
Suppose you are entirely correct. What then? Where will you go?	I will figure that out once I know whether or not I am entirely correct. Can you show me that I am not entirely correct?	1 John 4:1; Ephesians 5:15-17; Phillipians 1:8-11
Suppose this isn't Jehovah's Organization. Where will you go??	If it isn't, then anywhere else would be preferable.	Revelation 18:4-8
Suppose this isn't Jehovah's Organization. Which one is?	If we are still living in the Great Apostasy, why would there have to be one?	2 Thessalonians 2:3-12
So, if this isn't God's Organization, how will you carry out the worldwide preaching work?	Hm. I don't know. How was it carried out during the Great Apostasy?	2 Thessalonians 2:3-12
So if you don't believe XXX anymore, what do you believe?	I believe all of my beliefs should be based on (the Bible/logic). Is that wrong? I also believe I don't have to necessarily tell everyone what I believe. You don't think I should tell everyone what I believe, do you?	Hebrews 5:14; Romans 12:1, 2; Acts 17:10, 11
What other organization has done more for the truth?	Hm. That's a good question! I really should do more research before I answer it.	Scriptures?
Where else will you find such loving, clean people to be with?	I did not want a kind of 'social club'. I joined because I thought I had 'the truth', If only one person has the truth in a tin shed somewhere then this is where I would want to be. Besides, many aren't loving and if they were clean they wouldn't need constant policing.	Scriptures?
This is still the best way of life even if there is no paradise.	I disagree. The best way of life is a personal relationship with God. And being able to trust that you have a helper with God and a High Priest with God, and that these are not imperfect. My leader doesn't make mistakes and would never stumble me.	Scriptures?
If this is not Jehovah's organisation then how do you explain the growth?	Um, are you suggesting that growth is proof of God's blessing? Then how do you explain the Mormons? How do you explain the Buddhists? How do you explain the explosion of growth among Evangelical religions? I would call growth a "powerful work," nice to look at but it can't be used as proof of favor.	Matthew 7:15-23

GLOSSARY
Mood:  quizzical
Topic: Backgrounder
Includes trigger words, acronyms, and WTS in-house definitions. Everyday words take on a whole new meaning with the Jehovah's witnesses. Understanding how JW's react and interpret these words can help you avoid setting off a reaction. You will also be able to recognize a hidden insult.

I'll fill in these definitions as I go, a work in progress. Or, you may add your own.

apostate: Anapostate is someone who abandons a previous loyalty (to a faith, movement, political party, etc.) Leaders or defenders of a high control group may attempt to discredit the testimony of former members, accusing them of malicious or ulterior motive for their criticism.

This linklink provides excerpts from the Watchtower Society?s own literature on their definition and assigned motive to apostates.

brother: It is not uncommon in some churches to address fellow members as "sister" or "brother". There are examples in the New Testament where Jesus and his disciples addressed each other as brothers. Source, watchtowerwiki.org.

Christendom: A Jehovah's Witness swear word. Refers to all Christians who are not Jehovah's Witnesses. All are condemned for subscribing to the trinity, something the JW's consider an apostate, or pagan doctrine.

Conscience Matter: The Watchtower society gives a double message regarding conscience. One one hand, "Jehovah's Witnesses avoid making rules and regulations beyond those provided in the Scriptures, and they do not follow traditions that contradict Bible teachings. Emphasis is placed on personal application of Bible principles and the value of a sound, Bible-based conscience.?Matthew 15:9; 2 Corinthians 1:24." Source, www.jw-media.org

On the other hand, the Watchtower society considers some decisions to be automatic disassociation from their fellowship. Such decisions include military service and accepting a blood transfusion. Is it a conscience matter if there is a penalty from making the "wrong" choice? There are sections of their magazine dedicated to resolving the finer points of conscientious decisions, called "Questions from Readers" (Watchtower) and "Young People Ask" (Awake).


Faithful and Discreet Slave (FDS): An ambiguous class of anointed Jehovah's Witnesses who are the spiritual guides for members of the Watchtower Society. The FDS (Matthew 24:45) are to be trusted implicitly by it's membership. A JW who doubts the FDS is apostate. The number of FDS class is exclusive and fixed to 144,000 anointed individuals (Revelation 7:4), male and female, from the time of Pentecost to 1918. There are approximately 8,000 alive today. Interestingly, the Watchtower Society is governed by a much smaller executive, not all who are of the FDS class.

FDS = Faithful and Discreet Slave

field service: Jehovah?s Witnesses actively go door to door with their message, following Jesus? grand commission to preach the good news to all the nations. (Matthew 28:18-20) Each congregation has an assigned district, and this is further broken down to territories to be covered by Jehovah?s Witnesses to cover. Every Jehovah?s Witness is required to submit a monthly field service report slip.

Every Jehovah?s Witness has a quota of field service hours to meet to remain in good standing, and there are two levels of commitment; Publisher and Pioneer.

For more, see: watchtowerwiki.org

Fresh Meat: This is my personal term for how a potential "interested one" is viewed by an evangelizing Jehovah's Witness. Fresh Meat receive warm and persistent interest, unless the JW comes to believe that you are "opposed". You'll never hear an active JW use the term Fresh Meat.

Source:
How to Find Joy in Disciple Making - Recognizing Potential ?Sheep? - Watchtower Feb 15, 1996

Yet, sincere ones are not always easily recognized. Luis relates: ?Some who seemed very interested turned out to be not interested at all, but others who seemed opposed at first changed when they heard what the Bible really says.?


great crowd:

hall: short for Kingdom Hall of the Jehovah's Witnesses. They won't refer to their meeting place as a church.

hope: Hope to a JW is hope of resurrection in a paradise earth. If a JW tells you that you have no hope they are saying you don't believe you will be resurrected on paradise earth. (Matthew 5:5)

humble: A favored JW trait. See meek.

imperfect: The WTS teaches that Adam was the first perfect man(Genesis 1:27). When Adam was kicked out of Eden, he condemned the rest of humanity to imperfection and death. They believe that the restoration of paradise earth will restore that original perfection in man. JW's talk a lot more about imperfection than sin. JW's often use imperfection for an excuse when they fail, and also excuse lapses from their leadership as "imperfection".

interested one: see Fresh Meat.

internet: A vehicle by way "apostates" spread "lies" about the Jehovah's Witnesses. "Well, interestingly, the consensus among the brothers was that the only real negative effect was on the brothers and sisters in their circuits and districts who had listened to the apostate teachings. And usually, it's been via TV documentaries or the Internet."
Source, "Beware the Voice of Strangers" lecture, Give God Glory Convention, 2003.

"Again, do you note the trait typical of strangers? They hide who they are - Just as Satan hid his identity by using a serpent. Today, some immoral people hide their identity and true intentions by using the Internet. In chat rooms, perverse adults may even pose as youths to lure you in to a trap." Source: "Beware the Voice of Strangers" Watchtower Magazine, September 1, 2004, page 16.

JW = Jehovah's Witness

KH = Kingdom Hall

loyal:

meek: A highly valued Jehovah's Witness trait (Matthew 5:5). JW's believe only the meek will inherit paradise earth. A JW who fails to show meek submission to his leaders will not progress very far. May also be used as an insult, as in, "You are not very meek, brother". See also: hope

pagan:

pure worship: Attending Kingdom Hall meetings.

return visit:

should:

study: Study of Watchtower materials. As these materials are trusted implicitly (see Faithful and Discreet Slave)a Jehovah's Witness will rarely research any outside literature. The main study books and indexes include "Reasoning from the Scriptures", "Aid to Bible Understanding", and "Insight on the Scriptures". These books are published privately by the WTBTS, are not available through libraries or book stores, and are not provided to outsiders who have not first signed up for a study. Also handy for research is the Watchtower CD, also carefully dispensed. Nevertheless, most of this material is available on E-bay.

time card:

True Christian: Jehovah's Witnesses consider themselves the only true Christians. If you see this phrase in their literature, know they are specifically excluding the rest of Christendom.

UBM = Unbelieving Mate

unbeliever: Anyone who is not a Jehovah's Witness.

unbelieving mate: Anyone married to a Jehovah's Witness who is not one themselves.

undeserved kindness:

unequally yoked: Anyone who is married to someone who is an "unbeliever" (2 Corinthians 6:14)

Wait on Jehovah: Jehovah's Witnesses are commended for waiting silently for Jehovah's deliverance from injustice or trail, whether from within or without the organization.

Source: Wait on Jehovah, Watchtower October 15, 1986

David was content to ?wait silently? for God to act in his behalf. (Psalm 62:1-7) Having submitted to Jehovah?s will, he felt secure and had quiet confidence in God. If we have such trust in Jehovah, ?the peace of God? will guard our hearts and mental powers while we await divine deliverance from foes and tribulations.?Philippians 4:6, 7; Psalm 33:20


worldly: Anyone who is not a Jehovah's Witness. Any activity that does not include field service, meeting attendance, and study. (James 4:4)

WTBTS = Watchtower Bible and Tract Society

WTS = Watchtower Society

The Sunday Public Talk and Study - What to Expect
Mood:  not sure
Topic: Backgrounder
There may come a time you want to attend a Jehovah's Witness meeting. This description is meant to reduce your jitters and to give you some idea what the meeting will be like. Jehovah's Witnesses pride themselves in their uniformity. It is therefore quite easy to describe a meeting, as they are run the same all over the world.

The Program

- Opening song - speaker leads congregation to settle in their seats. Congregation members bring along their own song books, they are not left in the pews. All verses will be sung. In most congregations, the music will be piped, no live music team. After the song, the speaker for the public talk is introduced.

- - Opening prayer - The speaker will start the service with an opening prayer.
- Public talk - The speaker may be a elder or ministerial servant either locally or from somewhere else in the circuit. Once in a while a higher official in the organization comes for a talk. Women are never assigned public talks. Circuit Overseer visits are eagerly anticipated and better attended than a regular service. Congregation members expect the Circuit Overseer to share insight on the latest direction of the organization.

- Middle Song - To signal the break from one part of the program to another, the speaker will lead the congregation in the second song of the day.

- Watchtower Study - In each Watchtower magazine, on the inside front cover, is a reference to the songs to be sung and the study to be conducted for that service. Jehovah's Witnesses pride themselves in their unifomity. This very same study will be conducted around the world on the same day. It is considered bad form to attend the study without a magazine. If you do not have a magazine, you will be provided one. Follow along on the page as the study is conducted. If the service must be shortened for some reason, they may skip reading each paragraph. If not, an assigned brother on the stage will stand, read each paragraph in turn and sit down. The conductor then asks the congregation the assigned questions printed on the bottom of the Watchtower study. People put up their hand and the conductor directs the microphone handler for the assigned person to answer. Very nearly always the underlined section of the paragraph is read back to the speaker, slightly paraphrased. Young children are occassionally called upon, who may reliably answer "Jehovah" to the question, much to the amusement of the gathering.

- Closing Song

- End of Service - This is when visitors are approached by the curious and the active Pioneers. Be ready for the friendly touching, questions, invitations, and active interest. This might suddenly drop off if it turns out you are not a potential study.

Different than a Church

- No passing of the plate or overt appeals for financial support. There will be boxes discreetly placed by the exits where congregation members can place their donations.

- There will be no crosses or other symbols of the Christian faith common in other churches. There may be artwork of pastoral scenes that the JW's look forward to in a new paradise earth.

- There is a bulletin board, but it is not covered with colorful posters. The board contains schedules for janitorial cleanup, speaking assignments, and other formal announcements. Below there are slots for various forms that JW's fill out as part of their field service requirements.

- There is a book counter to hand out magazines and other publications on order.

- Behind the scenes there are a warren of private meeting rooms and a library for elder's meetings. There may be an apartment set up to accommodate visiting speakers. (Circuit Overseers work full-time in the ministry and spend a good time on the road travelling between halls).

- No Sunday School rooms or nursery rooms to accomodate babies and children. Families sit together through the service.

Same as a Church
Chairs neatly arranged in front of a platform.

There will be a podium for the speaker.

There will be an opening prayer

The congregation stands when they sing, and sits for the speaking part.

There is a public talk.

The People

The people will look like people everywhere, only more conservatively dressed. The men will be clean-shaven and in suit and tie. The women will all wear dresses. The little boys generally, are dressed in little suits as well. You likely won't see any tattoos or body piercings.

If you talk about normal things like weather, children, shopping, sports, or hobbies, the people you talk to will be as regular as your next door neighbour. If you mention spiritual subjects or the current state of our world, the person before you will be transformed in to a sales representative for the "Happiest People on Earth." I suggest you enjoy your time with these nice people, recognizing the pitch for what it is.

If you observe carefully, you will see a few people ignored at the back (under discipline of some sort), and newcomers will receive extra attention. Questions will be asked of a newcomer to sort out of they might be Fresh Meat.

General Appearance
Most Kingdom Halls are "Quick Builds" and often have a uniformity in layout and appearance. They stay away from architectural religious conventions like steeples, but they likely will have a small foyer, possibly a coat room, easily accessible washrooms and a medium-sized meeting room.

Everything will be neat and orderly because Jehovah's Witnesses take pride in order and neatness. The grass will be well-groomed, the hedges neatly trimmed.

Other Notes


- Punctuality. Jehovah's Witnesses pride themselves on their order, uniformity, and punctuality. The service will start on time. The conductor and the speaker will stick to the program and close on time. All the songs will be sung in order, all verses.


- Microphone handling. We don't have a comparable assignment in the churches, aside from the sound team. Jehovah's Witness microphone handlers are a little more hands-on, adjusting the microphone for each speaker, for instance. This is more apparent at the larger gatherings.


- The groups remain quite small, running not much over a hundred people, including children. Growing congregations are split to keep the groups manageable.


- There is a higher proportion of leaders (elders and ministerial servants) to congregation members than you see in a church, but fewer assignments. A man will be assigned to the book counter. Other men will be asigned to handle the microphones and the sound, and more men will be assigned to conduct the meeting and deliver the public talk. What is missing that I see my church, though, are the music team, the Sunday School team, the ushers (elders and MS's cover this at the KH), the greeters, and the praying grandmas. The only assignments open for women is Publisher or Pioneer, and their role is not needed for the Sunday meeting. You may be approached afterwards by a female pioneer looking for a book study, however (Fresh Meat).

Can't Beat 'em
Mood:  a-ok
Topic: Solutions
Context:

Me and my husband, Art, are mature young lovers. Nearing our third anniversary, we have stayed together longer than either of our original marriages. We both have baggage; we can't help it. Baggage comes from living a full life. When Art falls in love, he tumbles completely. It takes years for him to recover from each failed love. So, besides the baggage, I live with the ghosts of these women of his, his past loves. I am comfortable with their memories, because I know he loves me as deeply and would fall as deeply if he ever lost me. I have him, they do not. There is one woman who I do consider a threat, Art still speaks of her fondly. But mostly to get my goat, I think. She's the rebound woman, and she is always available on a moment's notice. When Art teased me once about going back to her, I called him on it. "Sure, call her up for coffee, but I'm coming along." He swiftly scratched the idea, and I grinned. This one lady truly is "the other woman" in my husband's life. But she's only fun as long as his fantasy life with her stays separate from his real life with me. If we ever met, her fantasy pedestal would come crashing down. I would know, she would be real, and she would be just another randy woman. This is the strategy of "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em."

I've used the same strategy when dealing with the Watchtower Society. I go to the occassional meeting, and I've shaken hands with the people who strongly influence my husband's life. They know who I am, and I understand a bit of the workings of the society. The mystique is gone, they are simply a rather controlling magazine sales organization with a lot of wacky rules for their followers.

Problem:

As the "other woman" in your partner's life, the Watchtower Society sucks up more of your partner's attention, affection and time. More and more often, your partner consults "her" before any major decision. For the UBM wife, "she" is the other woman. For the husband, "she" is the mother-in-law. "She" is out there somewhere, your direct rival, but you can't attack "her" directly without sparking a huge war with your partner. How can you bring the Watchower Society out in the open so the two of you can deal with "her" in the open?

Forces:

• Your partner is investing more and more time, attention, and affection with the Watchtower Society.


• You are left out, as you are either uninterested or opposed to being converted.


• Your partner's life is becomingly increasingly divided between home life and "religious" life. You are being cut out of your partner's religious side of their personality.


• Your partner is showing signs of sneaking around and being secretive of his religious activities.


• The WTS will also be very interested in introducing yourself to their teachings, and may view you as a potential convert. Though you are disinterestly curious, you want to nip this idea on the bud.


• You may fear being "taken over" by a cultic personality against your will if you open yourself to any involvement.

Essence of the Solution:

Bring your partner's involvement with the WTS out of the mysterious and grounded in reality by inviting yourself along. Come to a few meetings, perhaps study yourself for a couple of weeks. Take a look for yourself, and comment freely to your partner on what you see. The WTS will lose some of it's mystique and attraction for your partner. By remaining involved, you are able to maintain some intimacy with the religious side of your partner.

More about the Solution:

Ask yourself along first to a Sunday Public Talk. To blend in, dress for the Hall. I suggest you remain standing until the talk begins. When I first visited I was approached by several smiling women, many who patted my arm or brushed my shoulder when passing. They may have been trying to convey warmth and friendship, or perhaps this behavior was peculiar to this hall. Nevertheless, I found this familiarity to be invasive. At that point I was a still stranger to them. By standing, I had the option to step away if someone invaded my personal space. My goal was to introduce myself, be warm and engaging in turn, but be firmly resistant to conversion. I wanted the congregation to know me as a person, and for me to get a sense of the character and behavior of the people who absorbed so much of my husband's time. When I was introduced to someone new, I smiled warmly, shook hands firmly, and gave them direct eye contact. Nearly everyone asked how I enjoyed the talk. I responded with vague non-committal humms. I removed the mystique, both for them and for me. Over time, I gradually reduced the number of visits. Again, I emphasized my firm resolve not to become a Jehovah's Witness myself.

Before you decide whether to study with a JW, ask yourself, do you know what you believe? Can you articulate to a stranger why you believe what you believe? If you have never explored your spiritual side before, don't let it be with a JW the first time! They are trained to present a neatly packaged and outwardly sensible religion. I recommend that you read my future articles on Logical Fallacies and Know your Bible before you engage an experienced Jehovah's Witness in a debate.

If you choose a book study, be prepared prior to the meeting. Read the brochure What does God Require of Us?" before they come over, and make notes of any logical fallacies and misuse of scriptures. If you are firmly resistant, the study won't last much beyond four or five weeks. JW's are equally frightened of being "sucked in", and will close down the study if their worldview is directly threatened. If you are outwardly compliant, the study may go on for some time. At some point you are going to have to start seriously questioning some of their doctrines. As soon as that happens, your study partner will do their best to deflect those questions for "later", or suggest that maybe you are not "ready" to accept their teachings. It is highly unlikely that you will be able to convert your study partner with your point of view. The best you can hope for is to sow some seeds of doubt for them to mull over in the years to come.

There are several events in my JW husband's life I would not miss out on. These events are labored over by the new convert, and when they succeed, the congregation provides plenty of enthusiastic support. Don't be left out, go along. Show your encouragement and support as well, even if you are opposed to the conversion. This way, you maintain some intimacy with the religious side of your partner, preventing rifts in thought and feeling. First, I would attend the baptism. Second, I would attend at least your partner's first Theocratic Ministry School public performance.

Another idea deserves mention. If you try it, let me know how it works. My husband's book study group has an assigned "treat night" once a month. My friend suggested I send along baking as a way of showing my normal side and to endear myself to the group. I noticed often the tray was returned, untouched. I don't know if it was plain rudeness in this group, hatred of home baking, or their own fear of "cookie demons" from a "worldly person", but I was too insulted to keep up a tradition.

Resulting Context:
By staying involved, you may fear being "sucked in" yourself. To prevent this from happening, make sure your own religious foundation is well-established. Explore your own religious beliefs. Could you explain what you believe to a stranger and why?

The Kingdom Hall will lose some of its mystique for you when you visit. Meetings are really rather dull. No demons will come out of the wall and suck your soul out. By removing the WTS mystique, you will have a more realistic view of it's influence and it's power over your partner's life.

Some of the fun of being a JW may be that it is a statement of individuality by your partner. There is a bit of mystique attached to sneaking off to three meetings a week. Alternatively, you may have been built up by your partner to his new found friends as a harridan, firmly opposed to your partner's new religious zeal. Remove the mystique, remove the fun. Challenge your partner if they resist you going along. Ask them why it bothers them so much. Go anyways. If they crave independence, suggest they take up golfing instead.

The Jehovah's Witnesses will be thrilled you are coming for a visit. JW's always welcome potential converts. Their disappointment will show itself later when they figure out you are not easy. When you stop attending regularly, likely you will be asked about at the meeting. Your partner will be asked, "Where is xxx? I missed xxx at the meeting." If your partner comes home with this message, tell them to convey to the well-wisher that they can call you any time to go for coffee. Likely they won't. If you're not a potential study, you are not worthy association.

Known Uses:

Remove barriers of intimacy between you and your partner by involving yourself a bit with their religious side.

Eliminate the secrecy and sneaking around (if any of this has started).

Intimacy in a Religiously Mixed Marriage
Mood:  amorous
Topic: Backgrounder
When I talk about intimacy in this article, I am referring to "warm friendship developing through long association, and of a very personal or private nature". One of the benefits I deeply appreciate about marriage is the sense of teamwork, "us against the world", that, when disaster comes knocking (loss of a parent, financial crisis) my lifemate is at my side. I also enjoy moments of intimacy with my husband, though I am not sure he is built to process the broad range of feelings I can jam in to a single session. I also depend on a network of girlfriends for my confessionals. Hubby cannot depend on me keeping my interest when he gets on one of his sports rants. He seeks out other men to get his sports fix. Is it possible for a couple in a mixed marriage to remain intimate?