UBM Solution Finder

Friday, 18 November 2005

GLOSSARY
Mood:

quizzical
Topic: Backgrounder
Includes trigger words, acronyms, and WTS in-house definitions. Everyday words take on a whole new meaning with the Jehovah's witnesses. Understanding how JW's react and interpret these words can help you avoid setting off a reaction. You will also be able to recognize a hidden insult.

I'll fill in these definitions as I go, a work in progress. Or, you may add your own.

apostate: Anapostate is someone who abandons a previous loyalty (to a faith, movement, political party, etc.) Leaders or defenders of a high control group may attempt to discredit the testimony of former members, accusing them of malicious or ulterior motive for their criticism.

This linklink provides excerpts from the Watchtower Society?s own literature on their definition and assigned motive to apostates.

brother: It is not uncommon in some churches to address fellow members as "sister" or "brother". There are examples in the New Testament where Jesus and his disciples addressed each other as brothers. Source, watchtowerwiki.org.

Christendom: A Jehovah's Witness swear word. Refers to all Christians who are not Jehovah's Witnesses. All are condemned for subscribing to the trinity, something the JW's consider an apostate, or pagan doctrine.

Conscience Matter: The Watchtower society gives a double message regarding conscience. One one hand, "Jehovah's Witnesses avoid making rules and regulations beyond those provided in the Scriptures, and they do not follow traditions that contradict Bible teachings. Emphasis is placed on personal application of Bible principles and the value of a sound, Bible-based conscience.?Matthew 15:9; 2 Corinthians 1:24." Source, www.jw-media.org

On the other hand, the Watchtower society considers some decisions to be automatic disassociation from their fellowship. Such decisions include military service and accepting a blood transfusion. Is it a conscience matter if there is a penalty from making the "wrong" choice? There are sections of their magazine dedicated to resolving the finer points of conscientious decisions, called "Questions from Readers" (Watchtower) and "Young People Ask" (Awake).

Faithful and Discreet Slave (FDS): An ambiguous class of anointed Jehovah's Witnesses who are the spiritual guides for members of the Watchtower Society. The FDS (Matthew 24:45) are to be trusted implicitly by it's membership. A JW who doubts the FDS is apostate. The number of FDS class is exclusive and fixed to 144,000 anointed individuals (Revelation 7:4), male and female, from the time of Pentecost to 1918. There are approximately 8,000 alive today. Interestingly, the Watchtower Society is governed by a much smaller executive, not all who are of the FDS class.

FDS = Faithful and Discreet Slave

field service: Jehovah?s Witnesses actively go door to door with their message, following Jesus? grand commission to preach the good news to all the nations. (Matthew 28:18-20) Each congregation has an assigned district, and this is further broken down to territories to be covered by Jehovah?s Witnesses to cover. Every Jehovah?s Witness is required to submit a monthly field service report slip.

Every Jehovah?s Witness has a quota of field service hours to meet to remain in good standing, and there are two levels of commitment; Publisher and Pioneer.

For more, see: watchtowerwiki.org

Fresh Meat: This is my personal term for how a potential "interested one" is viewed by an evangelizing Jehovah's Witness. Fresh Meat receive warm and persistent interest, unless the JW comes to believe that you are "opposed". You'll never hear an active JW use the term Fresh Meat.

Source:
How to Find Joy in Disciple Making - Recognizing Potential ?Sheep? - Watchtower Feb 15, 1996

Yet, sincere ones are not always easily recognized. Luis relates: ?Some who seemed very interested turned out to be not interested at all, but others who seemed opposed at first changed when they heard what the Bible really says.?

great crowd:

hall: short for Kingdom Hall of the Jehovah's Witnesses. They won't refer to their meeting place as a church.

hope: Hope to a JW is hope of resurrection in a paradise earth. If a JW tells you that you have no hope they are saying you don't believe you will be resurrected on paradise earth. (Matthew 5:5)

humble: A favored JW trait. See meek.

imperfect: The WTS teaches that Adam was the first perfect man(Genesis 1:27). When Adam was kicked out of Eden, he condemned the rest of humanity to imperfection and death. They believe that the restoration of paradise earth will restore that original perfection in man. JW's talk a lot more about imperfection than sin. JW's often use imperfection for an excuse when they fail, and also excuse lapses from their leadership as "imperfection".

interested one: see Fresh Meat.

internet: A vehicle by way "apostates" spread "lies" about the Jehovah's Witnesses. "Well, interestingly, the consensus among the brothers was that the only real negative effect was on the brothers and sisters in their circuits and districts who had listened to the apostate teachings. And usually, it's been via TV documentaries or the Internet."
Source, "Beware the Voice of Strangers" lecture, Give God Glory Convention, 2003.

"Again, do you note the trait typical of strangers? They hide who they are - Just as Satan hid his identity by using a serpent. Today, some immoral people hide their identity and true intentions by using the Internet. In chat rooms, perverse adults may even pose as youths to lure you in to a trap." Source: "Beware the Voice of Strangers" Watchtower Magazine, September 1, 2004, page 16.

JW = Jehovah's Witness

KH = Kingdom Hall

loyal:

meek: A highly valued Jehovah's Witness trait (Matthew 5:5). JW's believe only the meek will inherit paradise earth. A JW who fails to show meek submission to his leaders will not progress very far. May also be used as an insult, as in, "You are not very meek, brother". See also: hope

pagan:

pure worship: Attending Kingdom Hall meetings.

return visit:

should:

study: Study of Watchtower materials. As these materials are trusted implicitly (see Faithful and Discreet Slave)a Jehovah's Witness will rarely research any outside literature. The main study books and indexes include "Reasoning from the Scriptures", "Aid to Bible Understanding", and "Insight on the Scriptures". These books are published privately by the WTBTS, are not available through libraries or book stores, and are not provided to outsiders who have not first signed up for a study. Also handy for research is the Watchtower CD, also carefully dispensed. Nevertheless, most of this material is available on E-bay.

time card:

True Christian: Jehovah's Witnesses consider themselves the only true Christians. If you see this phrase in their literature, know they are specifically excluding the rest of Christendom.

UBM = Unbelieving Mate

unbeliever: Anyone who is not a Jehovah's Witness.

unbelieving mate: Anyone married to a Jehovah's Witness who is not one themselves.

undeserved kindness:

unequally yoked: Anyone who is married to someone who is an "unbeliever" (2 Corinthians 6:14)

Wait on Jehovah: Jehovah's Witnesses are commended for waiting silently for Jehovah's deliverance from injustice or trail, whether from within or without the organization.

Source: Wait on Jehovah, Watchtower October 15, 1986

David was content to ?wait silently? for God to act in his behalf. (Psalm 62:1-7) Having submitted to Jehovah?s will, he felt secure and had quiet confidence in God. If we have such trust in Jehovah, ?the peace of God? will guard our hearts and mental powers while we await divine deliverance from foes and tribulations.?Philippians 4:6, 7; Psalm 33:20

worldly: Anyone who is not a Jehovah's Witness. Any activity that does not include field service, meeting attendance, and study. (James 4:4)

WTBTS = Watchtower Bible and Tract Society

WTS = Watchtower Society

Posted by ab6/jgnat at 12:01 AM MST
Updated: Tuesday, 22 November 2005 3:21 PM MST
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Wednesday, 16 November 2005

The Sunday Public Talk and Study - What to Expect
Mood:

not sure
Topic: Backgrounder
There may come a time you want to attend a Jehovah's Witness meeting. This description is meant to reduce your jitters and to give you some idea what the meeting will be like. Jehovah's Witnesses pride themselves in their uniformity. It is therefore quite easy to describe a meeting, as they are run the same all over the world.

The Program

- Opening song - speaker leads congregation to settle in their seats. Congregation members bring along their own song books, they are not left in the pews. All verses will be sung. In most congregations, the music will be piped, no live music team. After the song, the speaker for the public talk is introduced.

- - Opening prayer - The speaker will start the service with an opening prayer.
- Public talk - The speaker may be a elder or ministerial servant either locally or from somewhere else in the circuit. Once in a while a higher official in the organization comes for a talk. Women are never assigned public talks. Circuit Overseer visits are eagerly anticipated and better attended than a regular service. Congregation members expect the Circuit Overseer to share insight on the latest direction of the organization.

- Middle Song - To signal the break from one part of the program to another, the speaker will lead the congregation in the second song of the day.

- Watchtower Study - In each Watchtower magazine, on the inside front cover, is a reference to the songs to be sung and the study to be conducted for that service. Jehovah's Witnesses pride themselves in their unifomity. This very same study will be conducted around the world on the same day. It is considered bad form to attend the study without a magazine. If you do not have a magazine, you will be provided one. Follow along on the page as the study is conducted. If the service must be shortened for some reason, they may skip reading each paragraph. If not, an assigned brother on the stage will stand, read each paragraph in turn and sit down. The conductor then asks the congregation the assigned questions printed on the bottom of the Watchtower study. People put up their hand and the conductor directs the microphone handler for the assigned person to answer. Very nearly always the underlined section of the paragraph is read back to the speaker, slightly paraphrased. Young children are occassionally called upon, who may reliably answer "Jehovah" to the question, much to the amusement of the gathering.

- Closing Song

- End of Service - This is when visitors are approached by the curious and the active Pioneers. Be ready for the friendly touching, questions, invitations, and active interest. This might suddenly drop off if it turns out you are not a potential study.

Different than a Church

- No passing of the plate or overt appeals for financial support. There will be boxes discreetly placed by the exits where congregation members can place their donations.

- There will be no crosses or other symbols of the Christian faith common in other churches. There may be artwork of pastoral scenes that the JW's look forward to in a new paradise earth.

- There is a bulletin board, but it is not covered with colorful posters. The board contains schedules for janitorial cleanup, speaking assignments, and other formal announcements. Below there are slots for various forms that JW's fill out as part of their field service requirements.

- There is a book counter to hand out magazines and other publications on order.

- Behind the scenes there are a warren of private meeting rooms and a library for elder's meetings. There may be an apartment set up to accommodate visiting speakers. (Circuit Overseers work full-time in the ministry and spend a good time on the road travelling between halls).

- No Sunday School rooms or nursery rooms to accomodate babies and children. Families sit together through the service.

Same as a Church
Chairs neatly arranged in front of a platform.

There will be a podium for the speaker.

There will be an opening prayer

The congregation stands when they sing, and sits for the speaking part.

There is a public talk.

The People

The people will look like people everywhere, only more conservatively dressed. The men will be clean-shaven and in suit and tie. The women will all wear dresses. The little boys generally, are dressed in little suits as well. You likely won't see any tattoos or body piercings.

If you talk about normal things like weather, children, shopping, sports, or hobbies, the people you talk to will be as regular as your next door neighbour. If you mention spiritual subjects or the current state of our world, the person before you will be transformed in to a sales representative for the "Happiest People on Earth." I suggest you enjoy your time with these nice people, recognizing the pitch for what it is.

If you observe carefully, you will see a few people ignored at the back (under discipline of some sort), and newcomers will receive extra attention. Questions will be asked of a newcomer to sort out of they might be Fresh Meat.

General Appearance
Most Kingdom Halls are "Quick Builds" and often have a uniformity in layout and appearance. They stay away from architectural religious conventions like steeples, but they likely will have a small foyer, possibly a coat room, easily accessible washrooms and a medium-sized meeting room.

Everything will be neat and orderly because Jehovah's Witnesses take pride in order and neatness. The grass will be well-groomed, the hedges neatly trimmed.

Other Notes

- Punctuality. Jehovah's Witnesses pride themselves on their order, uniformity, and punctuality. The service will start on time. The conductor and the speaker will stick to the program and close on time. All the songs will be sung in order, all verses.

- Microphone handling. We don't have a comparable assignment in the churches, aside from the sound team. Jehovah's Witness microphone handlers are a little more hands-on, adjusting the microphone for each speaker, for instance. This is more apparent at the larger gatherings.

- The groups remain quite small, running not much over a hundred people, including children. Growing congregations are split to keep the groups manageable.

- There is a higher proportion of leaders (elders and ministerial servants) to congregation members than you see in a church, but fewer assignments. A man will be assigned to the book counter. Other men will be asigned to handle the microphones and the sound, and more men will be assigned to conduct the meeting and deliver the public talk. What is missing that I see my church, though, are the music team, the Sunday School team, the ushers (elders and MS's cover this at the KH), the greeters, and the praying grandmas. The only assignments open for women is Publisher or Pioneer, and their role is not needed for the Sunday meeting. You may be approached afterwards by a female pioneer looking for a book study, however (Fresh Meat).

Posted by ab6/jgnat at 7:35 AM MST
Updated: Friday, 18 November 2005 7:09 AM MST
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Can't Beat 'em
Mood:

a-ok
Topic: Solutions
Context:

Me and my husband, Art, are mature young lovers. Nearing our third anniversary, we have stayed together longer than either of our original marriages. We both have baggage; we can't help it. Baggage comes from living a full life. When Art falls in love, he tumbles completely. It takes years for him to recover from each failed love. So, besides the baggage, I live with the ghosts of these women of his, his past loves. I am comfortable with their memories, because I know he loves me as deeply and would fall as deeply if he ever lost me. I have him, they do not. There is one woman who I do consider a threat, Art still speaks of her fondly. But mostly to get my goat, I think. She's the rebound woman, and she is always available on a moment's notice. When Art teased me once about going back to her, I called him on it. "Sure, call her up for coffee, but I'm coming along." He swiftly scratched the idea, and I grinned. This one lady truly is "the other woman" in my husband's life. But she's only fun as long as his fantasy life with her stays separate from his real life with me. If we ever met, her fantasy pedestal would come crashing down. I would know, she would be real, and she would be just another randy woman. This is the strategy of "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em."

I've used the same strategy when dealing with the Watchtower Society. I go to the occassional meeting, and I've shaken hands with the people who strongly influence my husband's life. They know who I am, and I understand a bit of the workings of the society. The mystique is gone, they are simply a rather controlling magazine sales organization with a lot of wacky rules for their followers.

Problem:

As the "other woman" in your partner's life, the Watchtower Society sucks up more of your partner's attention, affection and time. More and more often, your partner consults "her" before any major decision. For the UBM wife, "she" is the other woman. For the husband, "she" is the mother-in-law. "She" is out there somewhere, your direct rival, but you can't attack "her" directly without sparking a huge war with your partner. How can you bring the Watchower Society out in the open so the two of you can deal with "her" in the open?

Forces:

Your partner is investing more and more time, attention, and affection with the Watchtower Society.

You are left out, as you are either uninterested or opposed to being converted.

Your partner's life is becomingly increasingly divided between home life and "religious" life. You are being cut out of your partner's religious side of their personality.

Your partner is showing signs of sneaking around and being secretive of his religious activities.

The WTS will also be very interested in introducing yourself to their teachings, and may view you as a potential convert. Though you are disinterestly curious, you want to nip this idea on the bud.

You may fear being "taken over" by a cultic personality against your will if you open yourself to any involvement.

Essence of the Solution:

Bring your partner's involvement with the WTS out of the mysterious and grounded in reality by inviting yourself along. Come to a few meetings, perhaps study yourself for a couple of weeks. Take a look for yourself, and comment freely to your partner on what you see. The WTS will lose some of it's mystique and attraction for your partner. By remaining involved, you are able to maintain some intimacy with the religious side of your partner.

More about the Solution:

Ask yourself along first to a Sunday Public Talk. To blend in, dress for the Hall. I suggest you remain standing until the talk begins. When I first visited I was approached by several smiling women, many who patted my arm or brushed my shoulder when passing. They may have been trying to convey warmth and friendship, or perhaps this behavior was peculiar to this hall. Nevertheless, I found this familiarity to be invasive. At that point I was a still stranger to them. By standing, I had the option to step away if someone invaded my personal space. My goal was to introduce myself, be warm and engaging in turn, but be firmly resistant to conversion. I wanted the congregation to know me as a person, and for me to get a sense of the character and behavior of the people who absorbed so much of my husband's time. When I was introduced to someone new, I smiled warmly, shook hands firmly, and gave them direct eye contact. Nearly everyone asked how I enjoyed the talk. I responded with vague non-committal humms. I removed the mystique, both for them and for me. Over time, I gradually reduced the number of visits. Again, I emphasized my firm resolve not to become a Jehovah's Witness myself.

Before you decide whether to study with a JW, ask yourself, do you know what you believe? Can you articulate to a stranger why you believe what you believe? If you have never explored your spiritual side before, don't let it be with a JW the first time! They are trained to present a neatly packaged and outwardly sensible religion. I recommend that you read my future articles on Logical Fallacies and Know your Bible before you engage an experienced Jehovah's Witness in a debate.

If you choose a book study, be prepared prior to the meeting. Read the brochure What does God Require of Us?" before they come over, and make notes of any logical fallacies and misuse of scriptures. If you are firmly resistant, the study won't last much beyond four or five weeks. JW's are equally frightened of being "sucked in", and will close down the study if their worldview is directly threatened. If you are outwardly compliant, the study may go on for some time. At some point you are going to have to start seriously questioning some of their doctrines. As soon as that happens, your study partner will do their best to deflect those questions for "later", or suggest that maybe you are not "ready" to accept their teachings. It is highly unlikely that you will be able to convert your study partner with your point of view. The best you can hope for is to sow some seeds of doubt for them to mull over in the years to come.

There are several events in my JW husband's life I would not miss out on. These events are labored over by the new convert, and when they succeed, the congregation provides plenty of enthusiastic support. Don't be left out, go along. Show your encouragement and support as well, even if you are opposed to the conversion. This way, you maintain some intimacy with the religious side of your partner, preventing rifts in thought and feeling. First, I would attend the baptism. Second, I would attend at least your partner's first Theocratic Ministry School public performance.

Another idea deserves mention. If you try it, let me know how it works. My husband's book study group has an assigned "treat night" once a month. My friend suggested I send along baking as a way of showing my normal side and to endear myself to the group. I noticed often the tray was returned, untouched. I don't know if it was plain rudeness in this group, hatred of home baking, or their own fear of "cookie demons" from a "worldly person", but I was too insulted to keep up a tradition.

Resulting Context:
By staying involved, you may fear being "sucked in" yourself. To prevent this from happening, make sure your own religious foundation is well-established. Explore your own religious beliefs. Could you explain what you believe to a stranger and why?

The Kingdom Hall will lose some of its mystique for you when you visit. Meetings are really rather dull. No demons will come out of the wall and suck your soul out. By removing the WTS mystique, you will have a more realistic view of it's influence and it's power over your partner's life.

Some of the fun of being a JW may be that it is a statement of individuality by your partner. There is a bit of mystique attached to sneaking off to three meetings a week. Alternatively, you may have been built up by your partner to his new found friends as a harridan, firmly opposed to your partner's new religious zeal. Remove the mystique, remove the fun. Challenge your partner if they resist you going along. Ask them why it bothers them so much. Go anyways. If they crave independence, suggest they take up golfing instead.

The Jehovah's Witnesses will be thrilled you are coming for a visit. JW's always welcome potential converts. Their disappointment will show itself later when they figure out you are not easy. When you stop attending regularly, likely you will be asked about at the meeting. Your partner will be asked, "Where is xxx? I missed xxx at the meeting." If your partner comes home with this message, tell them to convey to the well-wisher that they can call you any time to go for coffee. Likely they won't. If you're not a potential study, you are not worthy association.

Known Uses:

Remove barriers of intimacy between you and your partner by involving yourself a bit with their religious side.

Eliminate the secrecy and sneaking around (if any of this has started).

Posted by ab6/jgnat at 7:17 AM MST
Updated: Wednesday, 16 November 2005 7:39 AM MST
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Sunday, 13 November 2005

Intimacy in a Religiously Mixed Marriage
Mood:

amorous
Topic: Backgrounder
When I talk about intimacy in this article, I am referring to "warm friendship developing through long association, and of a very personal or private nature". One of the benefits I deeply appreciate about marriage is the sense of teamwork, "us against the world", that, when disaster comes knocking (loss of a parent, financial crisis) my lifemate is at my side. I also enjoy moments of intimacy with my husband, though I am not sure he is built to process the broad range of feelings I can jam in to a single session. I also depend on a network of girlfriends for my confessionals. Hubby cannot depend on me keeping my interest when he gets on one of his sports rants. He seeks out other men to get his sports fix. Is it possible for a couple in a mixed marriage to remain intimate?

My daughter married an intelligent and sensitive man from Rwanda. He speaks French more fluently than English. Nothing could be more different, or exotic, than the world he was raised in. I am proud that I raised a child who sees more opportunity than obstacles when she married man so different than her. My advice for a mixed-cultural marriage would be to respect your differences, take time to learn the other culture, celebrate and value each partner's unique contribution, adopt the good, and drop the bad. My son-in-law now does housework and recycles pop cans, to the enduring scorn of his immigrant friends. My daughter has picked up a shocking number of African jokes, many of which feature randy goats.

Why is it that I am more resentful to my partner's difference in religious beliefs? I think it has to do with the exclusionary and bigoted features of a high-control group like the Jehovah's Witnesses. I've seen the same frozen smile on the faces of my husband's congregation as I was introduced as the (whispered) "Unbelieving Wife", as my daughter experiences from regular Canadian bigots. Though little is said, as is the Canadian way, I know their highest hope was that this embarrassing situation would be quickly resolved with a swift conversion. It was assumed that I was in an inferior state and needed repair.

It is this fundamental lack of respect for my differences that makes it very difficult to embrace the features of the Jehovah's Witnesses that are worthy of imitation. (Be faithful, don't smoke, wash behind your ears). What I likely miss the most is not being able to pray together. I am used to praying about nearly everything. I can pray anywhere. My Anglican girlfriend swore she would hide under the table if I dared try it in a public food court. Hubby is not used to leading in prayer out loud. I miss not being able to pray together a great deal.

A second threat to intimacy in a mixed religious marriage is when one partner changes beliefs. This becomes a direct threat to the other partner, as they committed to the other with certain expectations in mind. The betrayal may be the same as a partner who changes their mind about having children, for instance. Changes in fundamental belief is a definite threat to the marriage bond.

I polled a community of ex-witnesses and "Unbelieving Mates" to find out how a change in beliefs affected their marriage. I received a full range of reponses. It seems the level of intimacy sought or desired has a lot to do with the relative health of the marriage. Had the couple ever established a common bond?

If the partners were fairly distant to start with, or, were strongly bonded before the change in belief, there was no noticeable change in intimacy.

Either the changing partner or the partner left behind may withdraw emotionally. The changing partner may feel guilty for betraying an assumption made when they married, that they would share a common set of beliefs. The partner left behind feels betrayed.

Those of us who openly choose a partner with different beliefs have an easier time of it. Or maybe we are still flush with young love and the joys of discovery. Time will tell.

I also noticed that the men in my poll are prepared to handle a reduced level of intimacy in the marriage.

Many commented on the effect that the Watchtower society has on physical intimacy as well. It is true, the society does spell out what isn't approved of in the bedroom. I agree with the other commenters, this interference makes me angry!

Here are some more comments from my polled group:

I could totally tell SOMETHING was up with my husband when he started to have his crisis of faith. I just didn't know what. He was always a million miles away, distracted, and totally not there even when he was physically there.

I can't believe what a difference not having the "big elephant in the room" has made in our relationship....It's amazing that the very thing I have been taught my whole life, (study, service, meetings, pray together) ...is the VERY things that blocked true intimacy for us because he NEVER wanted to do those things in the first ten years of our marriage and he couldn't tell me that!

At first it increased the level of intimacy, because when you go through the deconversion you both evaluate practically everything. The meaning of life, and devotion to each other. However, ...with the dust settling, the lines of communication closed as she did not want to talk about pretty much anything of substance, for she had to "protect her faith".

It affects intimacy. Especially for an atheist. Let's think about that for a second. She loves, intimates and is dedicated more to a nonexistent myth, than she is to me, the flesh and blood, manifestly real human partner. How would you feel? Like a third wheel on a car made of cardboard.

While I was changing I was very frightened, and it got in the way of a lot of joy. These days, not a chance!

How can I be intimate with someone who won't allow me to speak, let alone listen to what I have to say?

It just changes the entire fabric of the relationship when one is a Jehovah's Witness. It always feels like there is a whole cong in a room with you. Rather puts a damper on life! You can never be truly free with that person again. It costs you dearly in ways you could never have imagined before.

My marriage was never especially intimate before my doubting and fading began. What with the pressures of serving in the congregation, meetings, service, study, kids, television, extended family, etc. As my doubts increased and eventually solidified I wanted more intimacy. I felt the need to explain all the new thoughts I was having and the research behind them. I burst forth like a weak dam in a rainy season.

We do discuss religious issues from time to time and I strive to be exactly the opposite of how I view the society – dogmatic. I put things forward as ideas and possibilities and we discuss from there.

The religious subjects we discuss are JW-Lite. They aren’t subjects that will deeply question her faith. On the rare occasion when a serious religious subject comes up I remain non-committal in my anti-JW stance.

I long for the day when I can be completely open about my feelings and be accepted by my wife regardless of whether she agrees or not. She may never leave the truth, but I do feel she’ll accept me as long as I am a good husband in other areas.

The problem is always that the second you say something not doctrinally correct, they have to correct you. ...Speaking to her on spiritual matters isn't like speaking to a human being. It is more like speaking to a salesman.

Leaving the WTS is an emotionally traumatic experience. The emotional support that I desperately need from my husband is not there, and instead I find myself in the postion of peace-keeper in our marriage when all I want is for him to tell me that everything is going to be OK.

I truly believe some JW's attend not because of what is said, but in spite of what is said. (e.g. For family and community, not for doctrine.)

I already know how he will view my opinion on anything I've learned and know he pities me for being misled. These feelings don't bring about intimacy.

It just sucks knowing you will always be put behind the demands of the WTS. Leaving it has unquestionably affected our relationship but I think it bothers me more than him.

My Recommendation

If you have discovered that your partner is making a fundamental change in their beliefs, proceed with caution.

If you are the one changing your beliefs, proceed with caution. Remember how you would have felt a few short months ago if your partner had made such a critical change.

Make an assessment on the relative health of your marriage and the intimacy you share.

If your partner is drawing away, comment on it.

Be respectful of their differences, but also insist they respect yours.

As much as possible keep the lines of communication open. Ask questions. Listen carefully to the answers.

Time your talks about religious matters when your partner is geared to their natural personality rather than their "put-on" religious personality, like during a walk or dinner out.

If you miss the loss of intimacy, seek out other forums for expression, like JWD or a network of friends.

Don't bring up the Watchtower dictates on bedroom behavior. The last time they wrote about this was some years ago, and the current policy is "don't ask, don't tell." Once you alert a new JW that there are rules around bedroom behavior, they may cut you off! So stay mum.

Give your partner a hug once in a while and tell them that everything is going to be OK.

Posted by ab6/jgnat at 9:18 PM MST
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Be a Tugboat
Mood:

suave
Topic: Solutions
Context:

I remember the day it hit me how dangerous the Watchtower Society can be. I had stumbled on some research on the ways the WTS socially isolates it's members, and retains it's members by manipulation and deceit. I was overwhelmed with sadness. What had my husband gotten himself in to? Could he ever possibly untangle himself? I wandered in to the bedroom and gazed at my husband, my eyes welling with tears. "What's wrong?" he asked. "Oh, honey, I'm so sorry you got involved with them." "With who?" he asked, puzzled. I blurted out the information I'd found. An argument quickly erupted. He just didn't see what I did. It ended badly, his eyes glazed over, he kept repeating, "But I know it's the truth." over and over. "Oh my goodness, I married a robot" I thought. I had just triggered a major cognitive dissonance episode. I relate the experience to crashing a large boat in to a dock. A fluffier image, thanks to my friend, is of a child chasing gulls down the beach. No matter how badly the child wants to play with them, they do not come near.

Shortly after 3 p.m. on October 15, 2003, a ferry struck a concrete pier in Staten Island killing at least 10 passengers and injuring 42 others, many critically. According to eyewitnesses, the 310-foot-long ferry was about to dock at Staten Island when the vessel struck a pier surrounded by wooden pilings. The pilings cut the ferry's port side, ripping steel and windows as the vessel moved ahead. Passengers told investigators the ship failed to slow down before the collision and neither the captain nor the crew issued a warning. Source: http://www.injuryboard.com/view.cfm/Topic=1123

An exuberant child chases down the gulls. Link: www.pbase.com/sheila/image/32960097

I kept researching and studying the WTS. I realized my direct attack on the WTS was all wrong. All it had done was force my husband in to a hard-line stance to maintain his belief. If I could not attack my husband's beliefs directly, how could I help him understand the danger of his decision? I came up with the image of a tugboat. Though much smaller than the ships it services, it is powerful and flexible. It tugs the massive ship to where it needs to go, with greater finesse than the great ship can handle on it's own. A good tug brings the great ship in with no casualties. Again, a sweeter illustration was offered by a friend of mine. Imagine coaxing a shy rabbit to eat from your hand. You need patience, persistence, and no sudden moves!

Tugs might be thought of as essential port services, enabling big unwieldy ships to be handled into small spaces, hauling very large vessels through locks and protecting them against the unexpected wind or tide that could sweep them out of a channel, or bang them against a quay or another ship. Tug skippers are fine ship handlers, who can work with pilots and operate as a team to handle big ships safely. They escort tankers in and out of oil ports, ready to act as an emergency brake and rudder if there is trouble with the tanker's engines or steering gear. They push and pull barges, floating cranes or other "dumb" non-propelled craft, applying their considerable muscle to wherever it is needed. http://www.njscuba.net/artifacts/ship_tugboat.html

Patiently, he coaxes the rabbit to eat from his hand.

Problem:

Direct confrontation of a Jehovah's Witnesses beliefs forces them further in to the put-on religious personality and farther from you.

Forces:

You see your partner's beliefs and worldview drawing farther away from you.

Your partner has been pre-warned that those closest to them may resist the changes they are making in their life.

Your partner has been pre-warned that this resistance is inspired by Satan.

Your partner's study leader will be encouraging him or her to involve themselves more and more in the all important spiritual activity.

A person caught in a cognitive dissonance gap is afraid, uncomfortable, or embarrassed. Address these negative emotions first before trying to engage their logical thinking.

Essence of the Solution:

Be a tugboat, coax your partner in to fresh ways of thinking instead of using direct confrontation. This prevents a cognitive dissonance episode, forcing your partner in to a harder stance.

More about the Solution:

It works much better to bring up alternate viewpoints in casual conversation. I don't drill my point home every time. Many small tugs build a momentum and ease the big doctrines home. There are a few WT doctrines that I find especially offensive, and I rarely let those WT slogans go by without comment.

I challenge every sweeping WT comment on the morality and ethics of "worldly people". I bring the vague WT comments home to where we live. I ask hubby if he sees me, our other worldly friends and neighbors, in the way the WT article describes? What about our neighbour Sarah, who sends us chili and other treats our of her surplus, or wacky James, who literally gave the shirt off his back to my hubby on a dare? Or Brenda, who sends my hubby baking and helped him burn his first CD?

Two other catch-phrases I turn about on the Watchtower are "imperfect" and "truth". Imperfection is often used as an excuse by the WTS for the various failings of the leadership. When my hubby says, "follow the truth" or "left the truth", I always challenge him. "You mean that person left 'an organization of imperfect men.' No-one can leave the truth, it's just there. Is truth a place? How can you leave the truth if it lives in you?" By challenging these catch-phrases directly, I reduce their power over my husband. At the same time, I embed some basic principles, such as, "The truth is not a place." and, "An organization can't be imperfect and The Truth at the same time."

I also use little questions to awaken my husband's latent thinking power,

Are they saying that everyone who is not a Jehovah's Witness will be destroyed? Does this include Sarah and James and Brenda?

The actions of that Elder was not Christian behavior!

I cannot imagine my pastor ever interfering in the private lives of the congregation like that, ever!

Resulting Context:

A Jehovah's Witnesses' devotion comes in waves. You may be cheered by a gradual falling away, only to see your partner's zeal renewed by an incident or Watchtower article. Fighting discouragement is a constant challenge for an UBM. Find some friends you can use as a sounding board.

Watch those battles! A few angry words, and your partner may ever afterwards consider you a member of Satan's camp.

The study leader is exerting their own influence, which you may not be able to predict or anticipate. Work on maintaining openness and trust with your partner. You want to know if the study leader ever suggests subterfuge or deceit to work around your resistance.

Turning a person's mind to alternate ideas is a very slow process. Think years, not months. You may wonder if you have the time or energy necessary to work this out.

Known Uses:

To avoid a cognitive dissonance loop and gradually encourage your JW partner to accept alternate ideas outside of the Watchtower literature.

Posted by ab6/jgnat at 9:08 PM MST
Updated: Sunday, 13 November 2005 9:12 PM MST
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NEGATIVE EMOTION	ADDRESS THE EMOTION
Fear of eternal death. I have heard Elders use the fear of eternal death to get compliance from a congregation member.	Reassure your partner that you are sure they are "Secure in Jehovah's Memory." Bring up the good works they have done recently. Remind them that God sees all that they do and does not forget. Remind them that when they confess their sins to God, he buries their sins in His sea of forgetfulness. If an elder has questioned your partner's eternal reward, ask him how the elder, an admittedly "imperfect man" could know your heart condition? Isn't a person's spiritual condition known by Jehovah alone?
Fear loss of spirituality or morality if the JW structure was gone.	Give examples of when your partner made moral or spiritual choices on their own, without the aid of the elders or a Watchtower article. Reinforce your partner's personal strength of will.
Fear loss of friends and family. (This happens after the convert has cut off or alienated "worldly" friends and relatives.	Maintain or build a network of friends outside of the Watchtower Society. Do this for yourself if necessary, your partner will get to know your friends through osmosis. This way, they have some hope of a social network outside of the WTS.
Fear that Satan or Evil Spirits are influencing you.	When confronting your partner, speak calmly, don't swear, act like a Jehovah's Witness. If you think they may be fearing that your genuine concerns are from the Evil One, call them on it. "Do you believe me when I tell you I am worried? Do you understand that I have reasons to be concerned? You don't think I'm being influenced by an evil spirit, do you?"
Embarrassed that they may have wasted months or years on an empty cause. I've heard an elder use this argument with a discouraged JW more than once, "You have invested so much. Do you really want to throw all that hard work away now, when you are so close?"	Use illustrations of gamblers or investors who can't walk away when they are down on their luck. Discuss the emotions of the gambler and why it is so hard to walk away. You don't have to associate this with the WT experience right away. Plant the seeds for reaping later. When they are ready to hear it, ask them what it would take for them to know that it is smarter to cut their losses and walk away?
Embarrassed, "How could I have been so stupid?"	Smart people are just as vulnerable to cognitive dissonance as everyone else. Smart people are better at making excuses for their illogical behavior. Tell your partner that people who own up to their mistakes are smart, sexy, desireable, and stronger than the average person.
Uncomfortable that your challenges don't fit his new world view.	Bring up alternate ideas in bits, drop seeds. The goal is not to set off a major dissonant episode.

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