Mood:  suave

I remember the day it hit me how dangerous the Watchtower Society can be. I had stumbled on some research on the ways the WTS socially isolates it's members, and retains it's members by manipulation and deceit. I was overwhelmed with sadness. What had my husband gotten himself in to? Could he ever possibly untangle himself? I wandered in to the bedroom and gazed at my husband, my eyes welling with tears. "What's wrong?" he asked. "Oh, honey, I'm so sorry you got involved with them." "With who?" he asked, puzzled. I blurted out the information I'd found. An argument quickly erupted. He just didn't see what I did. It ended badly, his eyes glazed over, he kept repeating, "But I know it's the truth." over and over. "Oh my goodness, I married a robot" I thought. I had just triggered a major cognitive dissonance episode. I relate the experience to crashing a large boat in to a dock. A fluffier image, thanks to my friend, is of a child chasing gulls down the beach. No matter how badly the child wants to play with them, they do not come near.

I kept researching and studying the WTS. I realized my direct attack on the WTS was all wrong. All it had done was force my husband in to a hard-line stance to maintain his belief. If I could not attack my husband's beliefs directly, how could I help him understand the danger of his decision? I came up with the image of a tugboat. Though much smaller than the ships it services, it is powerful and flexible. It tugs the massive ship to where it needs to go, with greater finesse than the great ship can handle on it's own. A good tug brings the great ship in with no casualties. Again, a sweeter illustration was offered by a friend of mine. Imagine coaxing a shy rabbit to eat from your hand. You need patience, persistence, and no sudden moves!

Problem:

Direct confrontation of a Jehovah's Witnesses beliefs forces them further in to the put-on religious personality and farther from you.

• You see your partner's beliefs and worldview drawing farther away from you.


• Your partner has been pre-warned that those closest to them may resist the changes they are making in their life.


• Your partner has been pre-warned that this resistance is inspired by Satan.


• Your partner's study leader will be encouraging him or her to involve themselves more and more in the all important spiritual activity.


• A person caught in a cognitive dissonance gap is afraid, uncomfortable, or embarrassed. Address these negative emotions first before trying to engage their logical thinking.

Be a tugboat, coax your partner in to fresh ways of thinking instead of using direct confrontation. This prevents a cognitive dissonance episode, forcing your partner in to a harder stance.

It works much better to bring up alternate viewpoints in casual conversation. I don't drill my point home every time. Many small tugs build a momentum and ease the big doctrines home. There are a few WT doctrines that I find especially offensive, and I rarely let those WT slogans go by without comment.

I challenge every sweeping WT comment on the morality and ethics of "worldly people". I bring the vague WT comments home to where we live. I ask hubby if he sees me, our other worldly friends and neighbors, in the way the WT article describes? What about our neighbour Sarah, who sends us chili and other treats our of her surplus, or wacky James, who literally gave the shirt off his back to my hubby on a dare? Or Brenda, who sends my hubby baking and helped him burn his first CD?

Two other catch-phrases I turn about on the Watchtower are "imperfect" and "truth". Imperfection is often used as an excuse by the WTS for the various failings of the leadership. When my hubby says, "follow the truth" or "left the truth", I always challenge him. "You mean that person left 'an organization of imperfect men.' No-one can leave the truth, it's just there. Is truth a place? How can you leave the truth if it lives in you?" By challenging these catch-phrases directly, I reduce their power over my husband. At the same time, I embed some basic principles, such as, "The truth is not a place." and, "An organization can't be imperfect and The Truth at the same time."

I also use little questions to awaken my husband's latent thinking power,

• Are they saying that everyone who is not a Jehovah's Witness will be destroyed? Does this include Sarah and James and Brenda?


• The actions of that Elder was not Christian behavior!


• I cannot imagine my pastor ever interfering in the private lives of the congregation like that, ever!

• A Jehovah's Witnesses' devotion comes in waves. You may be cheered by a gradual falling away, only to see your partner's zeal renewed by an incident or Watchtower article. Fighting discouragement is a constant challenge for an UBM.  Find some friends you can use as a sounding board.


• Watch those battles! A few angry words, and your partner may ever afterwards consider you a member of Satan's camp.


• The study leader is exerting their own influence, which you may not be able to predict or anticipate. Work on maintaining openness and trust with your partner. You want to know if the study leader ever suggests subterfuge or deceit to work around your resistance.


• Turning a person's mind to alternate ideas is a very slow process. Think years, not months. You may wonder if you have the time or energy necessary to work this out.

To avoid a cognitive dissonance loop and gradually encourage your JW partner to accept alternate ideas outside of the Watchtower literature.