Have you ever thought that you knew someone so well, like the two of you are the best of friends and then it hits you one day that the person talking and laughing with you right now is still a complete stranger? Sure you spent all your waking hours with him or her, but what happened when you say goodbye and got back home? Did you really know what happened there? Was he or she even happy in the first place?
I had a best friend once, and I really thought I knew her. I thought wrong.
I met Anna when we were both in College. We had English Literature together and we were told to get a partner for our first assignment. Not one who is choosy, I asked her if she wanted to be mine since she happened to sit next to me that day.
It was only the second week of freshmen year for us and everyone was a stranger to me and Anna was no different. I was puzzled at what she asked me the moment I asked her to be my partner. It was 'Why me?'
I asked her 'Why not you?' and she shrugged her shoulder and mumbled something about there being others better than her.
"Besides, you don't even know if I sucked at this class, you sure want to throw your grades away by pairing up with me?" She continued.
"I won't know that if you don't become my partner now would I?" I had replied. She seemed uncertain and was uncomfortable being with me and that got me puzzled yet again. I wondered if I had a second nose then.
"I don't know..." She had replied, suddenly it was too much for her to look at me when she talked.
"Look, I'm new in this town, I have no friends. The way I look at it, all of you are strangers to me. You are no different from the next person in this class. Since you're next to me, I thought we cut all the hassles and be partners. Besides, how do you know I don't suck at this myself?" I asked, hoping to make the conversation more casual.
She giggled softly at this remark and finally, the much awaited nod of her head indicating that she accepted me came. And it started a beautiful friendship for us.
-
Anna was nowhere near 'sucked' at English Literature. I was especially amazed by her poetries and from them, I learnt a lot about her life that she had reservations in telling and put them in beautiful words instead. She had never told me these personally but I paid attention to her writings and I knew that all the pieces ever written were pieces of her life and her experiences.
And through them, I learnt of Anna's insecurities. Before I moved on, I have to tell you a little of Anna's background. She came from a family of five. Her parents, her elder sister Isabella and her younger sister Eliza.
Isabella, as beautiful as her name, was even beautiful in real life. She was a year older and was in the third year of College together with us. There was no doubt, she had the male population running after her wherever she go. But just like Anna, she was just another ordinary girl once you know her. Eliza, who joint us in College a year later, was only a year younger than Anna and she too was the sweetest thing. I called them Howie's Angels which means, they were mine. I envied their sisterhood together since I was the only child in my family.
Now honestly, Anna was what they would call plain Jane. She was a very simple girl, and throughout the years that I knew her, she had been the most casual girl I've ever met. Truth be told, she was leaning on the 'plump' side physically. While I think that this by no means make a person any less beautiful, I realized that to Anna, it meant that she was lacking something.
There were moments where Anna would act out of character and started telling me of how her parents would casually told her to lay low on the sugar or fattening foods or she'll get fat and although I could honestly say that her parents meant no harm in saying these, it hurt Anna deeply. And there were weird moments, when we went out for a movie or just hanging out, she would asked me out of the blue things that I would find confusing.
"Why are you here Howie?"
"Hanging out with you, silly."
"Yeah, but why?"
"Why?"
"Yeah, why do you hang out with me?"
"What do you mean?"
"Doesn't it bother you what people are saying about us?"
"About us? What?"
"They're wondering what a good looking young man such as yourself hanging around Anna? I'd like to know too."
"And what's wrong with Anna may I ask?"
"Well, she's not...pretty enough?"
"Hm...Anna is pretty, but not pretty enough...I agree, but Anna is also the most wonderful person Howie has ever met. That's why Anna is Howie's best friend. Howie likes hanging out with Anna and if that is such a big sin to other people, so be it. It's their lost. They're missing out in true friendship. Howie is lucky."
Whenever I said stuffs like that, I could see a hint of tears that threatened to turn into a fountain and yet each time, she held it in and turned back to her cheery self. There were times when I got frustrated because I would caught her straightening up her dress or shirt every so often and not slouch just so she could keep that extra pouch around her tummy area hidden from view.
Anna had lots of girlfriends, don't get me wrong. She led a pretty normal, happy life. She was active in extra curriculum and she was never short of guys coming up to her and expressed their interest in her. And yet every time, Anna had kindly pushed them away. Isabella and Eliza both had a secure relationship with their boyfriends and I wished for nothing more than for Anna to experience the joy of having a boyfriend of her own too. And although at that time, I had a girlfriend of my own, Anna had always surpasses everyone else in my heart.
Things began to change slowly and I wasn't even sure where it all started. Most of the time, it seemed as though nothing was wrong, but you can't help but noticed something was odd when you're practically the best of friends. Anna wasn't as active as she used to be and she fell sick more often. And this wasn't such a surprise as I learnt from her sisters that Anna contracted germs like a moth to a flame. Even Anna joked about this when she fell sick.
She had missed two weeks of school and every day, I would come to her house and hang out with her. It was weird what we have. How many people could tell everyone that their best friend is of the opposite sex? Howie and Anna could. They were the best of friends. In fact, they still are. And much as it was weird, it was unique and special too.
On that fateful afternoon, I drove by to her house after I ended my last lecture and found the house crowded with her relatives. I felt out of place then, thinking that I had just arrived uninvited to a family gathering. But Eliza had came running into my arms and crying out words I couldn't quite make out. Isabella came seconds later and through her I learnt that I had lost my Anna forever.
-
It was hard letting go when I don't even know what had caused it in the first place. I knew that she was sick but I didn't knew that she was dying. I questioned myself was I being a good best friend that I should have been? Should I had noticed the changes whatever they were? And then there were times when I constantly found myself not alone in these thoughts. No one in her family knew what killed her until the doctors did a post mortem and revealed everything. And even then, Isabella and Eliza had kept it hidden from me. They too, had refused to believe what they were told.
One day, Isabella and Eliza had came to my house and showed me a brown leathered book that I learnt was Anna's journal. They said that it was mine to keep and that I should read the first page to understand why. And like all of her poetries, that book held secrets of what was Anna as a daughter, a sister, a friend and a young woman.
Howie,
If you're reading this, then it means I'm dead and most probably one of my sisters found this journal and read this page and realize this is meant for you. Sweet D, I didn't mean for things to go this way. I never meant to leave you.
But that's too late now huh? I want you to know that no one else had ever been as honest and truthful as you are to me. You showed me nothing but sincerity in being a friend. I never thought I'd had you to call my best friend, I admit I am lucky.
So anyway, this is my journal, (you'd know...) and it should help you in any doubts I had left behind for you to wonder. Sorry about that, didn't mean for that to happen either. Let's just say any unfinished business shall end here. I hope you find this helpful, and help you to let go.
Howie, every time I'm with you, I feel beautiful. Thank you so much.
Best friends forever,
Anna
~*~
It was getting worst and I know that I have to see the doctor sooner or later but I can't bring myself to go. I could get a female doctor but it won't make the embarrassment be any less. God, this is my body I'm talking about, I don't want to show a stranger all my fats and this ugly thing that keeps on getting worst everyday.
What would I say? I mean, do I just knock on the door, come in, sit down and said 'Doc, I think there's something wrong with one of my breasts'. Yeah right! And then the humiliation of having a stranger touch my breast and look at it in scrutiny? He or she might as well be checking my entire body and who knows, secretly, they might be going 'Oh Lord, spare me this ugly sight! Why is she so fat?' I don't know...I'll see how it goes in a week, hopefully by then, the wound will dry up.
Anna
~*~
It had been on my mind for the longest time and I think, the reason why it took me this long to finally go and do something about it was because I was afraid to see what I would find there. But I did it anyway. I surfed the Internet during lunch break and while Howie was drooling over a picture of Sarah Mc Lachlan ( I keep reminding him that she's married and waaayy older than he is...), I checked out one of those medical sites. I checked about Breast Cancer and sadly to say, I have some of the symptoms. It would help much if I had paid attention during high school when they had those nurses came down and give us a talk about breast cancer. They even had a replica of a breast and how we can detect lumps by touching it and I never did try.
I don't know how to do it but I checked my breast this morning after my shower. I'm not sure if I felt a lump. I mean, at this stage, I'm not even sure if what I thought was a lump was really a lump or something that had naturally been there. I've never really cared about stuffs like that. I don't find it necessary until now.
I've never felt so lost in my life. I don't know who to tell. I wanted so much to tell my sisters but I can't. Lord, I can't even change in front of them since I could remember. They're just so beautiful sometimes I wonder if I was adopted. And I wanted so much to tell mom but I know mom will just go panic and make me see a doctor, which is something I don't want to right now.
And God knows how much I wanted to tell Howie, but damn! He's a guy! What do I tell him? That I think I have breast cancer? Then what? Show him my breast just so I make my point? There are some things that are just meant not to be seen.
The thing is, I know if I don't do anything about this, I could die. And God knows how much I don't want that. Then why is it so difficult to swallow some humility and just go see the damn doctor?
Anna
~*~
I managed to keep this a secret even after mom called the family doctor to our house today. I was too sick to even get up and go to the clinic. They said I had a very high fever. They had been saying that for the last two weeks now. Mom and dad are worried but all of them think this is just another one of Anna's bad fever. Can't blame them, I should have tell them the truth.
Howie is here again today. Every time I'm with him, I tried my best not to cry. God, it hurts everywhere but nothing hurt more than to look at him right in the eyes and know that I kept this secret hidden from him.
It's beginning to bleed now, it's awful. Pus and blood...I'm certain if they found out about this before its too late, they will still have to remove it. What is a woman with just a breast? Life is over.
~*~
Howie,
I couldn't hold on much longer. Something about the air tonight...I don't feel so good. I know the end is near and I'm writing this down just in case tomorrow doesn't come for me. I regret what I didn't do D. I regret not letting everyone in and help me when I should.
Howie, this whole thing makes me realize that there might be more Anna out there in this world. Anna who let her insecurities rule her life and kill her. I wish I could show them me right now, see what I'd done to myself and tell them that it's not too late for them as it is for me.
D, use your power to influence people by your gift for writing and reach out to all the Anna for me. Promise me when you get to be the writer like you've always dream of becoming, that you write about a girl named Anna, an insecure girl who realized too late. Tell them the things that you told me all the time. Tell them the story of the cracked pot and the perfect pot. Of how the cracked pot leaked water every time the servant carry it to his master. Tell them of how it felt worthless for being unable to bring back as much water like the perfect pot. Tell them of the tale of the garden that decorate one side of it's owner's house, where the cracked pot was carried. Where the water that it had leaked through had given life to the flowers to bloom and beautify its place. Tell them of the story of how everyone is a crack pot. And that through these imperfect complications, they are still unique and beautiful in its own way.
Do this for me Howie, and my death would be worthwhile.
Anna
~*~
So five years later, today, as I sit in my comfortable cubicle typing this away, I hope for only one thing. That when this article get printed and published by Monday morning tomorrow, I had reached out to all the Anna in the world. Only then can I let my Anna go, for her death would now be worthwhile.
Howie D. Dorough
Editor
Speak Your Mind Column
And the world doesn't know what you have within
But when I look at you I see something rare
Roses can grow anywhere
and there's no one I know that can compare
What makes you different
makes you beautiful
What's there inside you shines through
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