Nick was one angry, confused young man by the time we landed in Atlanta. Everybody thought it was just the fever sending him into one of his temperamental mood swings but I suspected something more. Once you let out something you had held inside for too long, there is no turning back. Nick had to face his demons and so far, he had no idea how to handle them.
"No Kevin I'm NOT okay! I need some fucking Tylenol, is that so hard to understand?"
We were in a suite together and the Backstreet Boys were supposed to jump straight into a pre-recording for a talk show that would be aired later that night. I also heard from Jim that they were expected to perform a song for the audience, which they were informed, had already packed the studio at that very moment. They were in disarray because they hadn't had any warm ups and from what I could understand, Howie was saying with Nick being sick, they had to change a few things in the song to make it bearable for him. AJ suggested that Nick shouldn't even go and take a rest instead but Jim jumped in and told them it would only disappoint the fans. Brian was arguing that if Nick got worst, he wouldn't even deliver for the concert the next day but Jim always had the upper hand for everything. All these while Nick was in the bed, buried under the large comforter. That was, until Kevin pulled it slightly and asked if he was okay, which led to his outburst.
"You just take two, three hours ago Nick, you must at least wait four hours before you can take another one." Kevin said calmly, unfazed by his outburst.
"I can't wait another hour, I'm dead by then!" Nick groaned, pulling the comforter all the way up to his head.
AJ snickered. "You're not gonna die kid."
"Might as well." Nick muttered from underneath. I sensed them looking at me, probably wanting to know if they should be worried so I looked up and offered them a smile, which I doubt made them feel any better.
"How about having stools when we perform later? You know, at least Nick doesn't have to stand." Brian suggested.
"Yeah, we can do that," Kevin said thoughtfully. "although knowing Nick, he'd probably stand up by the middle of the song."
"We'll just have to hold him down now, won't we?" Howie smirked.
"Who's sitting next to him?"
"That would be me," AJ smiled gleefully. "and I'm honoured to take that task." Nick groaned, telling them that he heard every single word. That got the guys laughing.
By the time we had reached the studio, I had the suspicions that Nick was avoiding me, or at least tried to. I wasn't surprised by this though. The last outburst was the last straw, I had a feeling he was embarrassed for telling me the truth and wasn't planning on having the matter now out in the open, for us to discuss.
During the interview, the guys tried to answer most of the questions unless if it was directed to Nick. I was surprised though, at how quickly all of them could transform into the Backstreet persona people see on TV. Cheerful and always ready to talk, even Nick.
And apparently, performing while sick wasn't something new to him either. And just like Kevin had predicted, he was standing by the middle of the song, even AJ's hand that was resting firmly on his shoulder couldn't keep him down. The guys stood up too, lost in the performance and just like what the crowd was feeling, I felt it, the magic that was the Backstreet Boys.
Of course the mood swings was turned full blast by the time we headed back into the van.
"We're headed to the mall for meet and greet. You're expected to do some autograph signing, nothing you've never done before." Jim announced once they were on the move again.
"That wasn't in the schedule." Kevin said.
"You keep popping up all these stuff on our face at the last minute, I personally feel like we're being used." AJ accused.
"I second that." Howie added.
"You can cancel it," Jim said calmly. "you said you want control of everything, so cancel them. I was told about this fifteen minutes ago."
"Right, and make us look bad?" Kevin said.
"And that's why I didn't cancel them." Jim replied. "I don't know who these people talked to but every single venue we went to, there always seem to be surprises. I can't refuse, for the obvious reason you just mentioned."
"Just kill me already." Nick groaned, his eyes closed. I shifted in my seat, just by looking at him, I could tell that he wasn't getting any better.
"Could you arrange for a doctor to meet us at the mall? He could have a quick check up in between."
"We can do that once we get back to the hotel." Jim replied.
"Are you sure there'll be no other surprises after the meet and greet?" I asked. "No offence Jim, but at the way things are run lately, there'll be a lot that need changing once my report is due and it's not gonna be Nick who needs any. You can tell that to whoever you're answering to at JIVE if they ask you the next time."
That seemed to work, he was on the phone to a Dr. Bill.
I looked over at Nick, doubtful if he could stand any more appearances after the talk show. He was asleep though, oblivious to everything else. Howie looked at me, in amazement if I could say so.
"You'll make one heck of a real estate agent."
Kevin scoffed. "He'd make a great lawyer."
"Nah, he'll make a good counsellor." Brian protested. "No juve's gonna say no to this guy."
"Ya'll are freaking idiots," AJ claimed. "he'll make one heck of a good mafia."
Once we reached the mall, everything was on autopilot. The same thing occurred - the rush, the fans, the crowd, the noise. When we had safely reached the waiting area, we were informed that the guys had twenty minutes before the signing started.
"Where's the doctor!" Jim yelled and then found the representative of the organiser. "Did a Dr. Bill arrived yet?"
"No, we're informed of his appearance but he's yet to come." The lady said.
"Okay, thanks." He turned and headed back to where we were and slumped on the seat next to Kevin while punching in the numbers on his cell phone. "Hi, Dr. Bill, are you lost? Oh, okay, we have about fifteen minutes before Nick goes out and we need him checked out before he does. It's important that you get here in time doctor. Yes, I know, thank you so much."
"Wassup?" Kevin asked.
"He's caught in traffic and I don't blame him since it was under short notice. He was on his way to the hotel when I called."
"Maybe we should just give him Tylenol for now." AJ suggested, which got me shaking my head. "I wouldn't suggest that. Dr. Bill might want to give him something that will help him out there, it might react to Tylenol."
Brian, who was sitting next to Nick, slapped him gently on his lap. "Hang in there buddy." Nick sighed and the conversation pursued, mostly about the rest of the schedule for that day. They were delighted to know that the signing would be their last appearance.
"It's always the same you know. Even when we were with Lou and Johnny." Nick said to me softly.
"How does that makes you feel?" I asked. He shrugged. "I thought it'd be different with the Firm. Or Jive. Or Zomba. Or whatever. Remember when I told you things never change? This is what I meant."
I nodded thoughtfully, trying to figure out how to put my next question gently. "You kinda didn't answer my question though."
"I didn't?"
"Yeah."
"What was the question again?"
"I asked, how does it makes you feel?"
"Indifferent."
"What's the indifferent?"
He sighed and rubbed his temple. "Tired, fed up, sick, mad...how many pages have you got?"
I smirked. "That's plentiful for now."
Dr. Bill never got there in time and Nick went out for the signing in stride. He was sat in the middle, in between Brian and AJ and again, I witnessed their personas taking over. Dr. Bill arrived fifteen minutes after the guys went out and he ordered the security to inform Nick that he should leave if it got too much.
"He'll never leave you know," Jim said next to me as we looked on at the guys from afar. The crowd stretched all way outside and onto the pavements along the street. "he'll complain all he wants but he'll never just up and leave in the middle of something. None of them would."
"Ever?" I asked.
"Well, they left to puke their guts out on some occasions but they returned." Jim replied.
"I'm sorry for what I said back there. I believe I was out of line." I said.
"Nah, I know you meant well."
"I did, but I shouldn't have told you how to run your job. Especially not in front of them."
"John, in this business, you can't afford to have room for self pity. I'm not sorry for what you said, sometimes we need those to remind us what we're doing in the first place. These guys, they're people like us, they get tired too."
"Quick, bring him here!" Dr. Bill's sudden cries caught our attention. Tommy was guiding Nick back to us.
"What's wrong? Is he all right?" Jim asked.
"I wanna puke so bad." Nick groaned and they led him to the restroom. "I'll go check on him." Jim said. I stopped him just in time.
"Let me?" He nodded, turning over his shoulder to make sure the others were still on hands to do their job. "Okay, thanks."
He was done by the time I entered the rest room. He was washing his face but I couldn't help noticing that he was failing miserably to stop himself from crying.
"I'm not gonna ask you if you're okay if you're yell at me like you did to Kevin earlier." I said. "And I can't ask you what's wrong cause you hate that." Finally, he stopped washing his face and pulled at the paper towels. "But I have to say something just so you know I'm concerned." He wiped his face before turning to look at me.
"Do I look like I've been crying?" He asked.
"Is this a trick question?" I asked. He smirked. "No."
"So if I said you look like a dog ran over twice by a truck, you won't kill me?"
"That bad huh?"
I nodded. "Too bad your make up artist isn't here. You definitely need a touch of her magic."
"Okay thanks John, I got the picture." I smirked. "You probably think I'm such a cry baby now huh."
"Nah."
"You have to say that cause you're my doctor."
"Seriously Nick, I'm not lying," I said. "although I'm guessing you crying isn't caused by the headaches."
"It's not about my mom or my freaking family, I wasn't even thinking about them since...last night."
"I know that. I'm guessing it's got something to do with the fans," I said. "something hit home. What is it?"
He laughed softly. "So you won't have your sessions at 3 a.m. but it's okay to have them in the restroom?"
I laughed. "I'm not getting anything out of you right now, am I?"
He shook his head. "Nope. I have a job to do John, they're waiting for me."
"Okay, but you owe me a session." I said. "and this time, I won't let you cry and have that as an excuse for you to sleep and not go through the session to the end." I joked.
"Fine, I promise."
Amazingly enough, the rest of the signing went smoothly. Dr. Bill had stopped Nick before he went out again, telling him that he wanted to give him a shot that would help with the fever but Nick had gently refused, saying he didn't want to be drowsy out there. The moment we got into the van, Nick was delirious. Dr. Bill had given him a shot right there and Nick was out cold by the time we reached the hotel. He was half awake all the way to his room, with Tommy helping him out.
Kevin and I decided to be around when Dr. Bill checked him out. Brian wanted to be there but the guys soundly agreed that he should spend the free time he had with his wife and her family. AJ and Howie were too tired to do anything else but sleep.
"Will he be okay for the show tomorrow?" Kevin asked Dr. Bill.
"Right now, I'd say no. But we'll see how he progress by tonight. I've prescribed him a stronger pill for the fever, it's like Tylenol but work twice as fast and twice as many in dose. Give him two every eight hours and he'll be okay. Along with the antibiotics, he has to finish that medication. I'll add in something for the nausea too since he was throwing up earlier. That should cover everything, he's lucky it isn't flu or any forms of infection though."
"Thanks doc, I'll make sure he have them in time." Kevin said before the doctor left.
"Some days are tougher than the other huh?" I said.
"Actually John, this is nothing. Nick's been worst before, especially when he's a lot younger. Come to think of it, we had all been in a lot worst condition than he is in right now. It's not all good, but it's getting better for us."
"You mean after going to The Firm?"
He nodded. "It was a lot worst with Lou. AJ had his stomach pumped once and I had my appendix out in the middle of a one week break and Howie had to struggle with a throat infection and I'm sure you know about Brian' heart."
"Yeah, Marianne told me about it before." I said. "So, this is really nothing then?"
"It's not nothing, just, well...better than we had been before." Kevin replied. "Although I have the suspicions that him being sick had got to do with the problem his facing right now."
"What makes you think that?"
"Nick's like that actually. He falls sick when he worries too much. It's like AJ, he'd put up one hell of a fight if he's worried about something. It could get very brutal."
"I see."
Kevin laughed. "You've a lot to figure out John. Come, we deserve our breaks too, looks like Nick's not going anywhere for awhile."
"Is it too late for coffee?" I asked.
"It's never too late for that."
-
Nick
I woke up to the sound of Brian yelling at me. And he was slapping my face too, the fucker.
"How many Nick! Look at me! How many did you take!" I frowned and started to push him away. What was his problem?
"Where is Kevin!" I heard someone shouted at the back. I think it was Howie.
"He's getting the doc." AJ said. At least I think it's him.
"Nick damn it stop pushing me!" Brian was yelling again. God my head hurts. "How many did you take! Talk to me man!"
"Brian...you're hurting me!" I cried. That got him to stop. He was crying, I didn't think my words hurt that bad.
"Nicky look at me okay? You took some pills from this bottle earlier, how many did you take?"
I took some pills? Did I? "Can't remember."
"Think Nicky, it's important okay?" I couldn't think straight, my head was throbbing like a mother. I heard John talking to Brian but I couldn't make out what it was about, next thing I know, Brian was replaced by John.
"Hey Nick, how you feeling?"
"Like I'm gonna die."
He smiled but it didn't reach his eyes. "Here's the thing Nick, you need to remember how many of these pills you took or you will die."
That woke me up. Did I take it? Maybe, I don't know.
"Let me see that John." It was Dr. Bill. He was spilling the content on his palm and counting them. I figured I might as well go back to sleep while he does that but John decided to give me another slap across the face. What is it with them slapping me when I'm defenceless?
"We're missing four." Dr. Bill said. "That'd be equivalent to 8 Tylenol."
"Okay Nick come on, we'll make you better again okay?" I nodded although them pulling me up and dragging me to the bathroom wasn't something I'd expected.
"I don't wanna die."
"You're not, cause we know how much you took now." John said. Kevin was by my side although from the look on his face, he'd rather be anywhere but here.
"This is gonna sting a little Nick, but you have to swallow it down okay?"
"Okay." I said but almost sent John flying across the bathroom when I saw Dr. Bill pulling out some kind of a tube.
"No!"
"It's okay Nicky, hang on." Kevin whispered. What does he knows anyway?
"We need to pump those pills out Nick and we don't have time to send you to the hospital for it."
Fuck me. Fuck!
I choked as the doctor kept pushing the tube down my throat. I heard John saying to keep breathing, I wanted to badly tell him to try doing just that when he had a huge ass tube forced down HIS throat!
I desperately looked at Kevin, he always knew what to do and he always got my butt out of trouble. I figured I could ask him to change their minds but my 'Kev, a little help here' sounded nothing like it. Worst, it was making him cry! I grabbed on to his arm tighter, wanting to tell him that it wasn't the time to cry cause I needed his help to get me out of this.
And then I felt it; the suction. God, that was all I needed to start throwing up.
There was no incident of face slapping the next time I woke up. I was however, aware that my left arm was attached to an IV and I was still in our suite. The headache was finally gone and the fever had broke. My throat felt sore though and my stomach was burning. I quickly noticed that Brian was sleeping next to me although careful not to get too near. Kevin and AJ had occupied the bed next to ours. Howie was MIA.
You know how when you had just went through a traumatic experience and you woke up and for awhile there, you didn't remember what the hell happened? Don't count on that cause I sure remember everything.
I remember waking up at some point to a very quiet suite and found AJ and Howie asleep on the bed that was currently occupied by AJ and Kev. It was dark, saved for the table lamp. It was around evening cause I remembered looking at the alarm clock. I was at the worst state of my fever if I may say so myself and found the meds on the side table with my name on them. Someone had written down in English what the meds are for, probably knowing that medical terms wasn't my area of expertise. The tallest bottle had 'fever & headache' written on it so I grabbed that one and took 2, as prescribed. And then I recalled that it didn't work with Tylenol so I figured why not? Let's take another two. I felt so stupid now.
I took the IV bag which was hung on an IV pole and attempted to stand up without waking the guys. I must have scared them shitless cause they didn't even stirred. Next thing I knew, I was out of the room.
I needed to talk to John and tell him that I wasn't thinking when I took those pills. I didn't want him to think that I was becoming suicidal. And I don't know where it came from, but I felt the sudden need for change. I definitely don't want to die while my family had just abandoned me and I have yet to accomplish all the things that I wanted to do. I figured at the end of the day, it's about taking care of myself first. So what if I have a fucked up family? I'm not the only kid in America with that problem. At least I am better off. I could support myself when most kids my age can't. I decided I wanted to die and being remembered as the kid who made it against all odds and not the pathetic blonde one who crumbled under pressure cause he was used to the pampered life of a celebrity.
I'm going to tell John that I'm ready for change and while I had a plan on how to go about doing that, I need him to guide me and hopefully rope in the guys; it's about time they know the truth. Well, not all of it, I'm not ready for that, perhaps just letting them in to a point where they were able to help out.
The door to his room was slightly ajar to I let myself in. Somebody needed some reminding of about locking the doors as a step to security measures.
The TV was on although he wasn't anywhere within sight. The bathroom light was on though and the door was wide open and by the sound of it, he was probably shaving. I walked over to the bathroom, careful not to move my IV bag that much.
"Hey John, can we-"
I felt sick to the stomach. If it was burning then, it was scorching now. I felt like throwing up but couldn't found myself doing anything else other than froze.
"Nick, it's not like what you think," John trembled, throwing the used syringe in the trashcan. He walked up to me but I backed away. I felt sick.
"Don't."
"Nick, I can explain."
"No...just don't! How could you!" Damn I'm so confused! And scared. I bumped into a chest drawer as I hastily backed away into the room and dropped my IV bag in the process. I managed not to scream when the needle slipped out of my arm. I need to get out of this place!
"Nick, you're bleeding, calm down now, let me take a look at it."
"I SAID GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!" Damn if he couldn't get that in his head!
"Nick, let me help you before you pass out!"
"I SAID NO!" I yelled. Maybe that would make him understand. I hope it did cause I can't scream any louder with this throat.
"Nicky, what's wrong?" I turned and found Howie rushing into the room. "D..."
"Oh God, Nick, you're bleeding!"
"He wouldn't let me touch him." John said. I glared at him.
"Nick calm down, remember to breath okay, everything's gonna be fine."
I couldn't stand it any longer, it hurts too damn much right now. I'm not sure if it's because I felt betrayed or because my stomach was really burning. Either way, I felt my legs caving in under me, I just hope Howie got to me in time, I don't need a bump on my head and a major headache to wake up to.
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