It wasn't until two days after the panic call from Nick that I finally found myself face to face with him again. I decided to pay him a visit and maybe hang around for awhile. All I got from the conversation we had that night was he was really upset and he didn't want the guys to know what happened. I couldn't get anything else since he was hyperventilating most of the time. Thankfully Mandy came into the room and took over the phone. They might have personal issues to work out (it was obvious just watching those two) but right now, she was the only one who actually knew what happened.
The Backstreet Boys were in Kentucky and the mood was hyped around the Backstreet camp for Kentucky was homecoming for both Kevin and Brian. I was informed by Stan, the security guy assigned to pick me up at the airport that the guys would only return to the hotel sometime after midnight. I decided to wait up for them, it would have seem rude if I had just sleep on it. It wasn't until I woke up from the annoying taps on my shoulder that I realised I had dozed off.
"Hey, sorry to wake you up, just wanna say thanks for coming."
Nick was smiling. He smelt like he had taken a long shower and a glance over at the alarm clock showed that it was 3:05 a.m. But he was also tired, the red rims on his eyes didn't go unnoticed.
"You guys just got in?"
"About an hour ago. I just had shower and dinner and thought I'd drop by. We have a few appearances in the morning and we might leave before you even wake up."
"What time are you leaving?"
"Five ish."
"That's early."
"Tell me about it."
"And you have a show too in the evening?"
"Yup."
He sat on the edge of the bed, next to me and stared ahead. I assumed he was staring at the television because it was the only thing worth looking at ahead. "You know, we can talk right now if you want. You might not get another shot once we start the day."
"It's 3 in the morning Nick and you have to get going by what, five? You need your sleep."
"I'm used to this John, don't sweat about it."
I stretched and yawned, trying to shake the rest of the sleep away. "Well, I can't say I'm used to having my sessions at 3 in the morning."
"Blame it on whoever hire you to have me." Nick laughed.
"Well, it's good pay, I'm not complaining." I smiled.
"I knew it! It's always about the money."
"Of course it's about the money, that's why I cancelled everything else just to be here for you." I mocked.
"How much is Jive paying you? A billion?" He asked.
"You cost that much? Why I believe I've been robbed."
"Yeah me too. Last I check my bank account, it's nowhere near a billion."
I laughed, although I could sense that his humour was always tinted with sadness. It was that other part of Nick Carter I needed to explore to understand him. I couldn't help entertaining the thoughts of the professional side of me. The psychiatrist who wanted to get his job done right.
"We don't have to rush anything Nick, I'll be on an indefinite stay, we can talk when you have the time."
"Okay then. We're gonna be very busy tomorrow so I'll see you whenever. Night man." Nick yawned as he got up and stretched his limbs.
"Hey Nick, I was wondering if it's okay that I tag along tomorrow. I just wanna understand this other life you're living. The famous Nick Carter."
He seemed hesitant but was unsure how to say it and not offend me at the same time. "You can introduce me as the Backstreet Boys' new assistant or something. No one has to know I'm your psychiatrist."
He seemed to relax a bit and nodded his head thoughtfully. "I'm sure it wouldn't be a problem. I'll tell Jim tomorrow. Although I don't think you quite understood what you're getting yourself into man. Any sane person would give a pass on waking up at four in the morning."
"I thought you said five."
"We should be ready by five. And then it's the group meeting, pretty much informing us on what's gonna happen that day and then at six, we have breakfast, make up and hair done, more briefing and by seven we're out. So you gotta wake up at four and drag yourself to the shower and get done by five. And I'm beginning to sound like Jim, I gotta go sleep man. Night."
"Night." I said as he left. I glanced back at the clock on the wall, I had forty five minutes left of sleep. Damn, what have I got myself into?
- Nick
John was a walking zombie. I couldn't help but grin when he entered the room. Kevin walked up to him with a cup of black coffee in hand. "Here drink this, it helps." John yawned and took the drink. "Thanks man."
"Damn John, you looked like you're about to pass out. Sit man, this gonna take awhile." AJ said as he passed him by, a donut in hand.
"You're eating donut at," John paused and stole a glance at his watch. "5:15 in the morning?"
"And my dinner's at midnight too." AJ replied as he sank on the seat next to mine. I swallowed as the smell of the freshly baked donut lingered. Brian trudged in to the room, made a beeline for the refreshment table, poured himself a cup of black coffee and grabbed a donut sprinkled with rainbow rice and parked himself on the seat to my left.
"Coffee and donut, the next best thing to sleep." Brian declared as he took another bite.
"Man, I'll trade anything for sleep right about now." Howie said as he stifled a yawn. He had black coffee too and was now taking the seat on the opposite sofa. John joined us and took the empty seat next to Howie.
"I thought you guys have breakfast at six?"
"We do." Kevin replied. "This is a little something we eat to get us through the briefing."
"Which should have commence like fifteen minutes ago." AJ groaned.
"I don't get it. They made us wake up early and rush us through everything and then they made us wait." I groaned, closing my eyes and wishing I could just drift off again. I was already planning to catch some sleep in the van later.
"You should drink some of this Nick, I'm wide awake now." John said. Brian almost spit out his drink and I swear AJ almost choked on the donut. I couldn't help but smirk.
"Dude, give him coffee and he'll pass out in a second and it's gonna take a bomb to wake him up." AJ said.
"dont you think you're over exaggerating a bit Jay?" I said.
"Just a little," AJ said. "It's gonna take him like ten seconds before he pass out."
John laughed which seriously made me doubt about my doctor's sense of humour. That was funny? Please.
"Caffeine actually makes Nick sleepy." Brian offered. "What he needs is a tall cup of milk shake. Sugar rush, ya know?"
"And he can't have any right now, it's too early." Kevin added.
"Yeah, you don't wanna get stuck with an upset stomach Nick Carter when you're cramped in a van." Howie laughed.
"Donut's full of sugar." John offered. "You should eat."
"Here's a tip John," Brian said, already smiling from ear to ear. "Don't feed Nicky anything before nine or suffer the consequences."
I looked at John, who was rather amusing to look at when he was confused. "I get sick pretty easy that way."
"Oh." He nodded.
"And thanks everyone for enlightening my doctor with those useful information when I'm right here and can speak for myself."
"No problem man, just helping out." Brian grinned; I rolled my eyes at him.
Small conversations lingered around us and I was glad that John seemed at ease with the rest of the guys and had stopped yawning after the third cup. Jim finally popped in at 5:45.
"Okay, major changes today. You have twenty minutes for hair and make up which shouldn't be long if Howie let someone else do his hair and AJ decided not to change hair colour today."
I could see John trying not to laugh. I personally thought he had too much caffeine too early in the morning. AJ wanted to say something in protest but Jim continued with his briefing. "I want you in the van by 6.15 with Ken and Tommy and yours truly. Oh, and John too, you're coming right?"
"If it's no trouble."
"It's not. Jump on board and for your sake, I hope the guys will be at their best behaviours today."
"We always behave Jim." Kevin said.
"As in you and Howie." Jim replied. "The other three I can never be too careful."
"That's an insult." Brian said, looking at me. I nodded and pointed to the drink he was still holding. "Drink, you'll feel better."
"I'm sorry you can't have your drink right now." Brian said.
"Shut up man."
"We have ten radio interviews which you have to do together because that's what they were promised apparently. That will last us till ten and then it's 3 pre-recording for some local stations, you're gonna sing I Want It That Way in all three, am I right about this?"
We nodded.
"Great. Those will take us all the way to 2pm and then you have to be at the tower records by 2.30 for meet and greet which will only kick off at 3. So you're gonna have to take your lunch in between then. This will last till four and then you'll have your final press junket for Kentucky which starts by 4.30 and ends at five. And then it's straight to the arena for sound check. You'll stay at the venue until show kicks off by seven. It's important we get on schedule or you're not gonna make it for sound check and you know very well how mess up that could be."
"Yeah, we got it." Kevin said.
"Great, cause you got ten minutes left for hair and make up. Now I'm gonna disappear and find the person who messed up today's schedule. I feel like yelling."
"Don't hurt him too much Jim!" AJ cried as Jim walked out the door. "Don't wanna be that person right now."
Brian was scrutinising his face in the mirror, touching his cheeks and forehead. "I don't wanna be me right now."
"Don't complain Rok, those concealers actually do good for you on pictures." Kevin laughed.
Jenny our make up artist appeared along with Sandra, our stylist. And so, the day began.
- John
It was only nine and yet it felt as if we've had spent a good half of the day just hopping from one radio station to the other. It was exciting, what the guys did for a living, the drive they had to go through practically every single day, it beats sitting in a room and analysing people all the time. But I see one thing that the Backstreet boys and I share. We both reach out to help others.
Kevin and Brian got most of the questions, most of them were beginning to sound redundant. Howie told me later on while we were in the van on yet another radio station, that it was one of the downsides when a member comes back to their hometown.
They still had three more radio interviews to go.
"You were yawning when the guy was talking to you just now Nick." Jim said as they settled into the van again.
"Sorry." Nick sighed as he closed his eyes and looked about ready to fall asleep next to me.
"You should tell that to the guy, that would have made a difference."
Nick opened his eyes and our eyes met. He didn't need to say a thing, it had that 'look what I have to put up with' written all over. I gave him my sympathetic smile, to which he just shrugged and closed his eyes again.
Silence took over the van for awhile even though Nick was the only one sleeping. It seemed like everybody else had something to do. AJ had said earlier that he wouldn't risk short naps because it would give him headaches while Howie said Nick didn't even care as long as he got his nap. It was surprising at first when the guys openly shared these little details with me but I got comfortable after awhile. They had that effect on people I guess.
"Where's the milkshake Jim?" Brian asked out of the blue as he thumbed through a magazine. Jim's head shot right up from the bundles of papers he had been going through; he looked as if all blood had mysteriously drained from his face.
"You do realise he hadn't had his breakfast right?" Howie asked. "Remember, you said we're running out of time and we gotta skip breakfast?"
"Okay I forgot the milkshake but you guys skip breakfast too."
"We got some coffee and donut earlier remember?" Howie said. "You know he can't take that stuff early."
"You gotta give that boy credit Jim, I didn't hear him complaining so far." Kevin said.
"Face it man, we can't survive without Jane." AJ sighed.
"Nick's mother?" I asked. I didn't mean to say that out loud but oh well.
Brian scoffed. "No man, Jane our PA, she always know what to do to make it bearable."
"What's a PA?" Sue me.
AJ giggled. "Personal assistant, you know John, you just make me sound smarter than you. Thanks man."
"No problem." I laughed. Nick moved a little but was still too deep in sleep to wake up.
"So, where's Jane?" I asked.
"Down with flu." Brian replied short. "Oh."
The rest of the ride was spent in silence again. I was lost in my own thoughts, wondering if it was a norm for celebrities to go through a hectic day skipping breakfast. Nick doesn't seem to mind, he looked tired but the same could be said about the other guys as well.
"We're here boys, get ready." Jim said as the van pulled to a stop. This one was different from the previous, there was a rather huge crowd of fans waiting for them at the entrance.
"Wow, this is huge."
Brian turned and smiled. "Trust me John, this is small. Still lethal but small." He diverted his attention to Nick, who was still deep in sleep and started to tickle his earlobe. "Nicky, wake up baby."
Nick groaned but didn't wake up. "Drag queen doesn't suit you Brian, now leave me alone."
"Come on Nick, wake up or get your ear licked." There was no reaction from Nick.
"Don't think I'm not gonna do it bro. I still owe you a payback for what you did last week."
That seemed to work and Nick finally woke up. "Oh man, look, we've fans."
Brian giggled. "Yeah, come on, Jim's about to throw us out there, be prepared."
"Okay, I know you guys are nice to fans but remember we have a schedule to keep up so make it quick and um, try to stay in one piece. We only have Tommy and Ken right now." Jim gave out his instructions.
"Cool, I can play bodyguard as well." I said, making sure only Nick could hear me. He laughed. "I know you're as lean as Kevin, but that's not enough man."
I smiled as we got out of the van. One by one, they seemed to lost in the crowd. "Keep up John." Nick yelled. The guy called Ken was trying to direct Nick into the right direction and I decided to follow his lead. The crowd was beginning to get to me; the screaming and shouting, it was making me dizzy. And then out of nowhere, a hand reached out from the back and pulled Nick back. I stood there in shock, that had got to hurt. And all she wanted was a kiss. Ken started to pull Nick away from the fan and practically pushed him through the rest of the crowd and into the safe haven of the studio.
"Shit!" I turned around and found AJ, his hand covered in blood. I thought I was going to throw up right there.
"What happened?"
"Someone pulled my ear ring."
"Here." Kevin passed a towel, calm as always. He seemed to understand my confusion and smiled. "This has happened before, it's a wonder he still has that ear attached to his head this long."
"Clean up J, we'll cover for ya." Brian said. We entered another section of the building while AJ was whisked away to the restroom with Tommy in tow. A man called Jordan apologised to Jim for the hundredth time for the incident and through the chaotic moment, we never stopped moving until we finally reached the small studio.
"Everybody ready?" Jim asked.
"Yeah." Nick said, massaging his neck. "Although Tylenol will be greatly appreciated after we get this done."
"Will do, okay, go ahead, do your magic." Howie raised an eyebrow and turned to Jim. "You're starting to sound corny again Jim, stop that." It somehow liven up their spirit as a short round of laughter filled the hallway. And then it began all over again; the Backstreet Boys in their most cheerful voices, answering all the questions as if it was the first time they had heard them. Even AJ made fun of his bleeding ear.
Knowing roughly how long the interview was going to last, I excused myself to the cafeteria, already wanting to get off this runaway train the Backstreet boys seemed to be on. I returned just in time to see them getting out of the studio.
"Jordan got the clearing for us outside, the fans won't reach out to you like before." Tommy announced, much to the guys' relief.
"I love them, but I don't need another bleeding episode today." AJ said.
We headed back to the van with no difficulties at all although they took some time to stop by and signed more autograph. Once we were safe on the road, I started passing around the snacks. "Here, this should keep your energy up."
"What's this?" AJ asked.
"Muesli chocolate bar and don't worry, they're actually sugar and fat free and recommended for healthy diet."
"And still taste like chocolate, awesome." Howie smiled. "Thanks man."
"No problem, I just follow Jim's list and work from there." Jim looked at me and smiled.
Everybody started eating and it felt like a little picnic. It was also the first time that day, that I had felt a little weight was being lifted off them. "Here Nick, I believe you're looking for these."
"Oh man, milkshake, and tylenol! You're my saviour."
"Just playing the PA role."
He took a bite of the bar and moaned. "You know what, I think we will keep you after all."
The rest of the day went by rather quick. I offered to run some errands for the guys and made myself useful if I were to tag along. At the end of the day, I was worn out and ready to hit the sack when Marianne called. After dishing out the dirt on Nick (yes, he loves strawberry milkshake but not as much as vanilla), I received her constant nagging (reminder, whatever) to not forget my limits. I think her exact words were 'If you as much as got a minor, teeny episode, I'm going over to kick you in the butt myself'. I think she just wanted a valid excuse to see Nick again.
It was all good though, I had achieved what I was seeking. I understood this other life of Nick Carter.
- Nick
Today I woke up at nine, which was considered a gift in Backstreet land. We had a day off before we hit the road to Atlanta. We were also having a huge reunion lunch with the Littrells and Richardsons. The entire clan would be with us and we're all psyche. Kevin and Brian had already gone home for a little private family reunion. I decided to pay John a visit, maybe try and see if he wanted to have our session then. I wasn't really looking forward to it but I was done procrastinating.
John was on the phone when he opened the door and waved for me to come in. I went over to the window and found a small crowd of our fans camping outside. I wish there was a way to acknowledge their presence and at least show our gratitude but after yesterday's incident, security wasn't letting any of us out. A picture frame caught my attention. I figured it was taken during John's college years because both Bianca and Marianne were in the picture, along with another guy I had never seen before. It was interesting though that this other guy was standing right behind Marianne, his hands wrapped around her neck in a hug, his head resting on her shoulder. And then there was Bianca. We were in New York when it hit me. I had seen her before, the memory just came back out of nowhere and I had been struggling with myself if I should tell John about it. I doubt he'd be too happy to hear what I got to say.
"Hey sorry about that, wassup?"
I decided to push that thought away for now. I don't think I was in a position to mingle with his personal affairs. Although I have to say, someone like John don't deserve someone like her. It was also sad to know that I saw love every time he looks at her.
"We're having a major reunion dinner for lunch. Kev and Bri's family coming and all. We want you to join us."
"Sure, never say no to food and meeting good people."
"Cool! So, you busy or something?"
"Nah. I'm just waiting a call from Marianne, about another patient of mine." I decided it wouldnt be the best of times to have that talk after all. I already had him on tour with me, part of me was actually guilty that he had to put a pause on other patients. I also decided that I'd take AJ's offer to go shopping with him and Howie. Can never have too many snickers.
"Okay then, I'm going out shopping with AJ and Howie, wanna come?"
"You can go out?"
I wish. "Nah. They have shops in the hotel."
"Oh. I'm afraid I have to pass, I gotta start my report before Marianne calls."
"Okay then. Maybe we'll get you a souvenir or something."
He laughed and shook his head. "Oh hey, maybe I can get something for Marianne too. Any idea what she likes?"
"Oh I'm sure she'll love whatever it is you buy. Just make it purple and she'll love it more."
I laughed, suddenly thinking of Howie. "Okay thanks for the tip."
- John
Nick actually had the picture Marianne took with the Backstreet Boys framed and enlarged to 8R, complete with their autographs. And the frame was in metallic purple.
The reunion lunch was nerve wrecking for me, I didn't know anybody else except for the guys but just like them, the Littrells and Richardsons were friendly folks. Everything seemed to be going very well. Kristin was there as well as AJ's girlfriend Amanda. Howie was truly a people's person and got along well with everyone. Nick seemed to be engaged in most of the conversation too but by the middle of lunch, I couldn't help but notice Nick growing quiet. He concentrated on his food and would laugh softly when someone crack a joke. I decided it wasn't the place to start asking him questions, deciding to watch him silently instead. But when I caught the small tremble of his fingers, I knew I had to do something.
"You want out? Just say it and it's done." He nodded, not looking at me.
I excused myself from the family, saying I needed to use the restroom for awhile and then asking Nick if he would show me the way since I was still unfamiliar with the hotel. Nobody seemed to suspect anything and we left. I brought him to his room, wanting him to be in a place where he felt most comfortable with. He went straight to the bathroom and closed the door behind him.
"Give me a minute."
A minute lasted for fifteen minutes long.
When he finally came out, his eyes were swollen and red from crying. He sat on the bed while I pulled a chair and sat facing him. "I guess it's time we have that talk."
"If you're up for it." I said.
"Yeah, I am."
"Take your time, start when you're ready, I'm not going anywhere."
He nodded, took a deep breath and sighed. "He called me again about a week ago, same threat only more serious about it. I decided to call my mom up and tell her everything. I mean, screw it you know, I'm not gonna give him any more money and stand up for myself. I figured if I tell mom and let everyone knows what's been happening, it'll stop..."
I got nothing else from Nick that night. He broke down like he had never broke down in front of me before. He was crying the same way when I had cried for my buddy Jack when he passed away. He fell asleep an hour later and I stayed the entire night with him, writing my report. Honestly, I'm lost. I needed a new direction to help him and I need it now.
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