I woke up with swollen eyes and a huge headache. If it wasn't for Brian who had made it his duty to come into my room and wake me up in time, I would still be sleeping and probably got my ass chewed by Jim.
"I was wondering why you didn't come back with John yesterday, I mean, it's unlike you to not say goodbye to my mom..."
Of course I had totally forgotten about that. "Oh damn, Brian, I didn't mean to-"
"It's okay Nick, John told us you weren't feeling well and seeing you right now, I think so too."
I felt awful. Not only did I manage to bawl like a baby and probably confirmed my doctor's suspicion that I am a cracked head, I didn't even have the decency to thank Kevin's and Brian's family. I had a feeling today was going to be a drag.
"John told you that?"
"Yeah, I was beginning to worry when you guys took such a long time in the restroom but he came back later on and told us he had to send you back to your room. Are you okay? You still look awful man."
"I feel awful." I said. Brian placed the back of his palm on my forehead and I didn't even flinch. I'd rather stay very still while the headache was still there.
"I ain't no doctor but I think you're coming down with something man."
"Great."
"I'll have Jim call the tour doctor over to check on you before we hit the road."
"What time is it now?"
"Five."
"Aren't we suppose to be ready by six?" I asked.
"That's the plan."
"There's no time then. I still need to pack my stuff. I'll have myself checked when we reached Atlanta, how's that?"
"I don't know man...we can't afford to have you sick, it's gonna be chaos over there."
"I know...but it's just a headache."
Brian finally gave in, although I could tell that he was doubting his own decision. "Okay, you're a big boy, you can make your own decisions."
"That's correct." He smiled and told me he would see me later and started to walk out of the room. I was face with a very messy room and two bags that needed to be packed when Brian came back.
"What? Did you leave something behind?" I asked.
"No. It's just that...are you okay?"
That was a question I wasn't expecting. I sat on the chair that John had occupied the day before, knowing that if I had to stand a second longer, I might just pass out from the headache. I made a mental note not to fall asleep right after crying like a wuss.
"What do you mean?"
Brian seemed uncomfortable and I wanted him to feel that way. Hopefully it would discourage him from asking me such questions again. He shrugged his shoulder and tried very hard to look at me in the eyes. "I don't know...you just don't seem like yourself lately."
"How am I when I'm myself?"
"Loud comes to mind." He laughed. "I don't know man...I just feel down when I look at you and it's not cause I don't like you or anything like that."
"I can't see you hating me Rok so relax already."
Brian blushed and scratched his head. "Yeah well, I don't want you to get the wrong idea. I'm just worried that's all. I mean, I may be a jerk sometimes and not always hang with you but I don't want you to get the idea that you can't talk to me about stuff, ya know?"
"Brian trust me, I know. And you don't have to hang with me all the time, I understand. Speaking of which, you must be thrilled we're going to Atlanta next. I bet Leigh got lots of stuff planned."
"I'm sure she did. So you're okay?"
"Yeah."
"It's not cause you're missing Mandy right?"
I had to laugh at that one. I was the one who encouraged her to go home, I knew she was missing her family too. And I didn't want her around when I'm so messed up like this. Mandy said I shouldn't push her away, that a relationship doesn't always have to be happy and she was right for once, but I just couldn't face her when I feel like crying all the freaking time.
"Nope, we're cool."
"Okay I'll stop being a mother hen, at least for now. Oh hey, I think John is getting a hang of this touring stuff, he's up already."
Once Brian left, I started to pack my stuff and found the remaining two tablets of Tylenol and shoved them in my bag, making a mental note to take them after breakfast. Amazingly enough, I was ready fifteen minutes earlier and decided to stop by John's room.
He was on the phone with Bianca. Again, I felt like as if I had intruded in his space. He sensed this though and made me stay in the room when I began to signal to him that it was nothing important. I tried to act indifferent, wanting to let him have the privacy he obviously needed and again, I found myself staring at the framed picture of the three of them, along with that strange guy whom I strongly felt was Marianne's boyfriend. They looked extremely happy in the photo, standing in front of a beach house. John had his arm resting on Bianca's shoulder and by the way they were standing, they seemed more of friends than lovers. Perhaps they were still friends back then.
"College years, the best and the worst times of my life." I turned and found him staring at the picture from afar. I began to wonder if I really did possess the ability to just jump through time. Had I been staring at the picture for too long?
"Can't say I understand what that means."
"You're supposed to be in College right now right?"
"Yeah."
"But not all nineteen year old could say they're reaching out to the world with their music and become the adoration of many."
I smiled, knowing that what he said was true. "What's it like though?"
"College?"
"Yeah."
"Stressful but you manage if you find the circle of friends you can hang and depend on."
"Like the four of you?"
"Sorta."
"Sorta?"
"Actually it's three. Marianne, Jack and I."
"He's Jack?" I asked, pointing to the guy who hugged Marianne; John nodded.
"He seems like a great guy. So why is it also the worst time of your life?"
"We lost Jack."
"Is he Marianne's boyfriend?"
"Was."
"Oh, so they broke up and the three of you kinda fall apart?"
"Actually, Jack died on our senior year."
What did I tell you about the day being a drag? I just have to say the wrong things at the wrong time. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"
"It's okay Nick."
"No, it's not okay. I can't even freaking tell you what's wrong with me and here I am asking you about your personal life? And Brian knows something's up and if I don't clean up my act right away I'm gonna mess things up with the group."
"I told you not to force it. You can tell me when you're ready. And I won't even answer your questions if I mind you asking about my personal life. And Nick, there's nothing wrong if you tell Brian what's going on. You don't have to tell him the whole thing but you don't have to pretend that everything's okay either. He's gonna understand."
I shook my head. God why must everything be so confusing? "See, that's what I thought was gonna happen, that my mom would understand if I told her everything but she didn't. I already lost my family John, I don't want to lose my bestfriend too."
And I hate it when I start to lose it in front of someone without warning at all. I knew there was no turning back, I just don't understand why I had to freaking cry every time I tried to talk about it. Haven't I already used up all my tears? How much can a person cry anyway? And it's even more irritating when you can't breathe, it made everything so difficult.
"Nick calm down or you're gonna hyperventilate on me now." He ushered me to a chair and I gladly sat down. I felt stupid; I knew I shouldn't be crying, it would just make the headache worst but how do I control myself from not crying? "You're not gonna lose Brian, Nick. He's concerned about you, he just wants to help. I bet the other guys do too, only that they don't wanna appear as if they're pressurising you into telling."
"My mom said I should have just given what my uncle wants and not tell her what he was threatening me with in the first place."
"What?"
I could still hear her voice in my head, blaming me for what I did. I had asked the same thing too when my mom told me that. What? "She said I shouldn't be too tight on my money and pay him cause he's my uncle anyway. And she blames me cause now she had to take my sisters with her cause nobody else could play guardian. She said it's expensive to have them around on the tour and it's all my fault."
John sat on his bed, frowning. I don't blame him. "Did she say anything else?"
I chewed my bottom lips; this was the most difficult part but I figured since I had burst everything else out, why not go all the way.
"She said they're mad at me. She didn't tell the girls what I told her but they suspected that it had something to do with what I said and they're mad at me cause they prefer living with our uncle than tag along. She said she'll call me but until then, I'm not supposed to call them. She couldn't face me right now and that it's my fault she lost her brother."
I thought telling someone what was troubling me would help but it didn't. I just felt more depressed than I was before. Even now, while I sit there massaging my temple and waiting for John to say something, I could hear every single word my mom had said.
"Is that why you wanted out during lunch yesterday?"
I nodded. Everybody else has a happy family, why can't I? -
John
If Nick hadn't almost fall flat on his face while walking to the elevator, I wouldn't have known that he was unwell. He asked me not to tell the guys how serious it was and promised he'd have himself checked once we arrived in Atlanta. So I told them that he had a slight fever instead and they made him sleep on the entire ride. Nick didn't seem to mind and disappeared to the back of the bus the moment he stepped in. I spent the ride watching TV along with the guys.
"So John, is it okay if we talk a little?" Kevin said once Oprah ended.
"What about?"
"Well, we know something's up with Nick, should we be worried though?" I realised by then, all four was looking at me, waiting for an answer.
"He's having some personal issues he needs to work out that I'm helping him with."
"Is there anything we can do?" Howie asked.
"I know he wants to tell you what's going on, it's just that he isn't ready yet. Talk to him but don't force the conversation, he'll only push you further if he sense you're trying to get something out of him. And just being yourselves, like you're doing right now, is helping him much already."
"You won't tell us?" AJ asked. "Not that I won't, I can't."
"We understand that John," Brian said. "it's okay if he can't tell us, I'm glad he's talking to you though. He was difficult at first, wasn't he."
I smiled. "Yeah, a little stubborn, but they're usually like that the first few times."
"We appreciate you taking time out to be with him right now. We tried to look out for each other all the time, especially when we're on tour and everything seem to be moving twice as fast." Kevin said.
"And sometimes, we tend to miss the little signs that matters." AJ added.
"It took awhile for him to adjust when Kevin and I got married. And sometimes, we didn't help the situation either." Brian said, laughing softly.
"Yeah, we kinda get too soaked in with our married lives sometimes."
I nodded, totally understanding where they were coming from. "You don't have to feel somewhat guilty just because you're too into your marriage. It's the right thing to do. Changes happen all the time. As a matter of fact, right now, you guys are the strongest pillars supporting him and he knows that. He's not totally shutting all of you out."
"Well, at least now we know we're not just seeing things." Kevin laughed.
"Yeah, we know something's up when he's that quiet." Howie added.
"Thanks man, and you can bill this session to Jive." Brian joked. It got us laughing, once and for all, erasing the tensed conversation we had earlier.
"Make it expensive too." AJ said. I jokingly told them I'll consider their suggestion seriously. Soon, everybody was feeling worn out and retreated to the back, taking their nap, except for Howie. We stayed awhile longer and started to talk about property when I told him I was considering buying a house in Florida. Before he finally excused himself to the back, he asked how I was handling stuff on the road with them.
"Good actually, what you guys do everyday, it's inspiring."
"Glad to know that, but how are you? Sure you can handle the fast pace?" I knew then what he was talking about. It was a bit weird at first to acknowledge the concern so clear in his eyes when we barely knew each other but I appreciate it all the same.
"I feel great Howie, thanks for asking."
"No problem. Just, promise me you'll say something if it gets too heavy for you."
"I will."
Of course, most of the time, the unplanned always happen and took you by surprise.
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