I had two days left before we started the 2nd part of tour. I hate to admit it, but I had nothing planned for the day. I was thinking of just chilling out and minding my own business. Maybe surf the Internet for awhile and download more games. Or find more comics I could buy on line, I was beginning to like reading Spawn. The movie wasn't so bad but the soundtrack kicked ass.
But today, I found myself waking up early in the morning getting ready to go out. Turned out, Dr. Reitt wanted to have a proper session with me.
"Hey handsome, you done? I'm going now."
I dropped my comb on the bed, suddenly conscious of how I looked. Why is it that when someone praises the way I look, I tend to be weary of how I really look and when someone downright tells me I'm a mess, I don't give a fuck about it? Does everybody else thinks this way or was it just me?
"The kid blushes like it's the first time he's been called that." AJ mocked. I ignored him and grabbed for my bag while he waited by the door.
"Lets go."
-
"Stop biting your nails, it's driving me nuts." AJ snapped as he made another turn around a sharp corner of the still unfamiliar LA road.
I stopped immediately, not realising that I was doing it. Damn, I really got some thinking done in this car. "I'm in control of this car and making me nuts is last thing we both want right now."
I stared at my fingers. Poor things. I got really annoyed when Brian bite his. I remember going as far as tying his hands behind his back just to stop the nasty habit. I wonder if Brian biting his nails meant that he was thinking, just like I did. I wonder if him successfully kicking this habit meant that he rarely thinks anymore.
"Nick, did you even hear what I just said?"
"Yeah."
"So you know that I'm not gonna pick you up later right?"
"You didn't say that."
He laughed. I rolled my eyes. "Just checking."
"So how did I do? Am I, 'all here'?" I retorted.
"Seventy per cent, which is good enough."
"You're a very easy person to please." I smirked. "Others can never be satisfied with 'good enough' they always want more than we can give."
"And to those people I say, 'fuck them'!" I snorted. If only it was that simple. "It's that simple Nick, just say fuck them and get on with life. We can't always go around trying to please everyone else all the time you know? We don't owe them shit."
"You'd do anything to please your mom, won't you?"
He sighed and looked at me briefly before looking back at the road ahead. "There's always exceptions when it comes to family. They're everything. My mother's the reason why I'm where I am right now."
I nodded. I'll keep that in mind.
"Don't be so down bro, I tell you what, how about we hit the nightspots tonight? Just you and I, minus the older brothers."
I smirked. "You know we can get out of hand that way."
"How old are you huh? 19? And I'm what? 21? We're allowed to get out of hand man."
"Exactly, I'm 19, last I checked, I'm still underage."
"We'll go to one of those college clubs, heard of those? You're allowed to get in there, but you won't be drinking though."
"Bummer. You're not Kevin, you're gonna let me drink."
"I'm not gonna get my ass kicked by Kevin, that's what I'm gonna do."
"You suck." All he did was laughed at me.
"This the place you talking 'bout?" He parked the car on the roadside, right outside Anne's Bookstore Café. I glanced at my watch. We were ten minutes early.
"Yeah, this is the one." I unbuckled the seat belt, opened the door slightly and looked back at him. "I'll call when I'm done. Thanks man, I owe you one."
"Find me a good book and we'll call it even."
I nodded. "Playboy it is then."
-
John
Having lunch with both my girlfriend and best friend had always been trying. Back in school, it was worse. I love them both and they were fighting for my time. These days, I like to think that they are more civil to each other and try to co-exist whenever I'm around.
Lunch was rather quiet, probably because I didn't tell both of them that the other was joining us. I know that was bad of me, but I just couldn't have both of them in my life but separate. I need my girlfriend and I need my best friend. Marianne was more annoyed at me than Bianca though. She hates feeling like the third wheel, hanging around where she wasn't wanted. Silly girl, of course she's never wanted, she's needed.
"Okay ladies, I have to run. This has been a great lunch." I reached over to Bianca and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek since her mouth was still full. I couldn't help giggling as she struggled to speak, probably not wanting me to leave her with Marianne. "See you tonight."
I went over to Marianne, marvelled at the sight of her disapproving face and gave her a quick peck on the cheek to which she disgustedly wiped it away with the back of her hand. "Great, now I'm gonna smell like coffee."
"Coffee's a good smell." I reminded her.
"I prefer my Davidorff, thank you very much."
"But you can't go now honey, you don't want us to start another earthquake." Bianca pouted.
"Yeah! And if it isn't the fact that this small lunch just cost me fifteen bucks, I would be gone too." Marianne added. I wonder if they realised they just agreed on the same thing.
"I can't. I'm already running late. I almost forgot I had a meeting with Nick today."
"Ever since he's gotten to hang with the superstars, he's forgotten about the little peeps down here." Marianne whined. I fought the urge to ruffle her hair like I used to do back in High School. Sometimes, I tend to forget that we're full grown adults now.
"You had barbeque with them just yesterday Marianne." I reminded her. "And I remember a certain Howie D. slipping you his number."
"You know, I really thought you were gonna grow out of this boyband phase by the time we ended College." Bianca said.
"You don't out grow what you really love Bianca."
"And you love the Backstreet boys."
"Hey, I didn't see you out growing your passion for everything expensive either. Did I say anything about that?"
I sighed. This would be the perfect moment to slip away. "Okay, I love you both."
"That's not the same and you know it!" Bianca spat.
"And how is it different?" Marianne challenged.
I grabbed my coat and decided to give up trying. At this point, I'm invisible. "Yeah okay, bye now."
Sometimes I wonder if they ever out grow college life.
-
Nick Carter was standing in the music department of the bookstore, deep in conversation with a guy next to him. Both were flipping through a book that I couldn't quite catch the title from where I was standing.
The guy was nodding vigorously to what Nick was saying and then both of them broke into soft laughter. I decided to head straight to the café and bought myself a cup of hot chocolate before heading to an empty booth right in a corner.
I took that moment to recollect my thoughts. How should I go about reaching for subjects that I know would make him uncomfortable. And most importantly, not make him hate me for doing it.
When the guy he was talking to exited the bookstore, I made my move.
*Hello*
"Hey Nick, I'm at the café right at the corner, can't miss it."
*Okay I'm coming.*
"Grab a drink on your way."
*Yeah. You want anything?*
"No, I'm good. Thanks."
He was sipping on a vanilla milkshake as he made his way to the booth. He was surprisingly relaxed, not really cautious of eyes that might recognise him. He almost seemed carefree.
"Sorry I'm late." I said.
"Nah it's okay, I wasted my time usefully for once."
"Yeah? Been reading?"
"Better yet, I talked to a few guys and girls my age and they all think I'm in College. They talked about the party from last night and then discussed arts with me cause I was browsing through some art books. I played along."
"Did you enjoy being a College boy?"
"It's fun." He smiled. "I was just done talking to this guy Fred, about drums. He's in a band, I almost slipped and told him I could hook him up with some guys back in the studio."
"Maybe you should do this more often." I said.
"Hang around bookstores on my free time?"
"Yeah. You might get invited to a college party."
"That'd be cool."
"I'm sure it would." My gaze dropped to his hands resting on the table. His fingers looked parched at the ends, a little swollen in some areas and small dots of dried blood could be seen. I wondered how hard he had been biting his nails.
"It's always nice to pretend to be somebody else." I said. He raised an eyebrow, studying me.
"You've done that before?"
I nodded. "Still do sometimes."
He nodded, a smirk playing at the corner of his mouth. He took another sip of the milkshake before making his next move. "Yeah? Like what?"
"I go rock climbing."
"And what's wrong with that? I mean, you don't have to pretend to...wait, you pretend that you rock climb?"
I shook my head. Poor kid, got confused by the very person who should make him see everything clear. "No, I actually go rock climbing and pretend I'm really very good at it."
"So you're saying you suck?"
"On my bad days, yeah."
"You don't have to pretend about climbing rocks, it's like a hobby, everybody's allowed to do it."
"But I'm not everybody. Actually, I'm not allowed to do it."
I got his attention now. He was curious to know more, just like I was about that phone call that seemed to upset him the day before.
"How come?"
"It's a very personal question Nick, I'm not sure if I'm ready to tell you yet." I said. He recoiled in his seat and shrugged. "That's okay, I'll understand. Although I'm not gonna lie to you, I'm very curious now."
"What if I ask you something that is considered personal, are you willing to tell me in exchange for my answers?"
Nick shook his head and pushed his drink away. My guess was, he was going to stand up and end this meeting altogether, which he could do considering he didn't even have to come in the first place. This meeting was set outside of my agreement with JIVE. If they knew I held a session out in the open for paparazzi to find out, I would be sued.
But Nick didn't stand or leave. He sank deeper in his seat and looked at me with a small smile on his face. There was just something different about him right then. He didn't seem to care about anything else. There was absolutely no guard left on his body that could prevent him from doing anything.
"We don't have to exchange information John. You're my doctor remember? You're supposed to ask me questions that you think will help you find out whatever it is you want to find out and maybe, help me. Not that I'm happy with that, I did promise to co-operate so I will hold on to my end of the deal."
"Nick, I want you to know that you always have an option. If you feel like you don't want to answer anything I might ask, then don't. It doesn't mean you're not holding to your word or that I would face a dead end to help you. Now if I ask you this question and you don't feel like answering them, then don't. But if you do, I'll tell you why I'm not supposed to rock climb."
He nodded. "Okay, fair enough."
"Great. So my question is, I was listening to your Millennium CD last night-"
"Yeah? You like it?"
"Very much. I hope you guys win a Grammy with this one. It's really great."
Nick laughed. "Oh wow, that great huh?"
"Yes, it is. And you're really good in I Need You Tonight."
"Thanks man."
"Just giving credit where it's due," I replied. He blushed. "but I just wanna know if you sang in The Perfect fan."
"Why did you ask?"
"Well, correct me if I'm wrong here, but I can't seem to distinguish your voice in there. And since this song is dedicated to your mothers, everyone got a lead except you."
"Well, sometimes that's just the way it is. Like Kevin didn't get any lead in Spanish Eyes while the rest of us did."
I nodded. Here comes the hardest part. "But the ending, when you guys go 'cause mom you always were', how come Brian gets to say it twice and you get none?"
-
Nick
You know how sometimes when you tell somebody something that you've kept inside for too long and it makes you feel relieved? I felt that for a while when I told John what had been bugging me lately. I figured if the guy was man enough to listen to Millennium and found that little imperfection in The Perfect Fan, he deserved at least another bit of information about me. In a way, I think now I understand what Kevin was telling me before, about needing someone outside of the circle to talk to.
Funny how I came in with reservations and ended up the day spilling more than I thought I could. I didn't even have the chance to ask him about the rock climbing stuff.
"You're quiet." Kevin said. He had volunteered to pick me up since Howie had called the guys up for dinner. Rumour has it, Howie was cooking. I was still trying to figure out one thing. Shouldn't they be trying to get as far away from the house as possible instead?
"Thinking."
"You might want to stop the biting though." I looked down at my fingers. Ugly sight. John didn't mention anything about it though, which was great cause it'd be embarrassing. It's a very stupid habit really, but I need to feel the pain or I'll get too numb. Numb is good but too much of it could get scary. You could lose yourself that way, I don't want to feel lost.
"I need a manicure."
"Great. You can have one with Leighanne. You two can bitch about Brian."
I laughed. Manicure with Leighanne? "What I need is to spend time with my girlfriend, not my best friend's wife."
"Go then. Fly back to Florida, come back in two days. What's stopping you?"
I slumped back in my seat. Exactly, what's stopping me?
I pondered about it for the rest of the ride home even though a part of me already knew the answer. I stopped myself from biting my nails and found myself ending up biting my lips. I think I need a restraining order on myself.
"Well, are you going or not?" Kevin asked, breaking my thoughts. I shrugged. "I don't know, I'm gonna have to break my date with AJ tonight, don't think he's gonna like it."
-
John
Marianne left me a message on my cell phone, something about she was sorry and she didn't mean for it to happen and that she needs to talk to me urgently. I assume another earthquake did happen while I was gone but to have her sounding so upset, I couldn't put my hands on what exactly had happened.
Call it instinct if you may, hearing her that upset gave me cramps. I knew one way or another, something big was awaiting for my arrival back home. I was right, unfortunately.
Bianca was holding a half full wine glass, sitting on the couch in the living room, smoking her cigarette. I knew she was mad, because she knew I couldn't stand cigarette smoke.
"Hey."
She turned to face me, scoffing. She was definitely drunk. "How could you?"
I frowned. I had no clue what she was talking about. If only I had called Marianne first and got a head start but of course, my battery just had to die at that precise moment.
"What did I do?"
"What didn't you do John?"
"I don't know, why don't you tell me."
She got up and stumbled her way towards me. My hand was slapped away when I tried to help her. "How come your best friend knew what happened to you two weeks ago and I didn't? What is it that she has that I don't huh? I'm your girlfriend Jonathan! No scratch that, I'm your FIANCEE! So why is it she knew you were on your death bed two weeks ago while I didn't huh? I thought we agreed to work this out together!"
"She didn't know either honey."
"Liar! She told me! How owuld she know if you didn't tell her! What? Your god damn best friend's psychic now?"
"She figured it out herself. I didn't tell her."
Bianca nodded her head and backed away. "So, she figured it out. I'm your fiancé and I didn't figure out anything. She must really care about you."
"Bianca please, she's my best friend. We practically grew up together."
"Yadayadayada! So you've been childhood friends since forever! I can never take her place, can I? She'll always know you better than I do! It's always about her!"
"Baby, if it's always about her, I would have left you long ago! This is not about her! Okay, I'm wrong, I should have told you things got out of hand back there but I'm okay now. I'm here, with you. I'm not going anywhere."
I tried to take the glass away from her, I would hate it if she decided to swing it at me in her rage. She backed away further and I stopped. I knew it was my fault anyway.
"You know exactly why we're still together. And it isn't because you love me Jonathan. You know I didn't do this out of love, but I want to make this work for us."
That was the surprise of the century. There, she said it. It wasn't out of love. "I wouldn't be here right now if I didn't love you. But that doesn't really matter now, does it? You don't love me."
"Don't even think you can push the blame back at me John! Don't you start!" She was screaming now. I eyed the glass. "You know what, I can't take this anymore. I'm mad at you. I feel like throwing this glass at your face. But I tell you what, since your best friend understands you more than I do, why don't you go crash at her place tonight? Go have one of those sleepover thingies like when you were kids. Go cry on her shoulder, I don't care. Just go!"
I said nothing. For a very long few seconds, silence stood between us. When I finally found my bearings again, I walked out. I wasn't sure if I should be mad at her for the things she said or guilty for what I didn't do.
I took a drive, unsure of my next destination. Sometimes, you just have to trust that little voice inside of you and follow. I found myself walking into the lobby of the hotel and was quickly greeted by a person at the front desk.
"Hi, I'm a friend of Miss Marianne Nicosia, room 112, could you tell her that I'm here?"
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