A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.
Very gru dgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself 'Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me.' He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.
At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, 'Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!' He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said: 'Come on guys, we're almost there!'
If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
After a few days, the Lord called Adam to him, and said, 'It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the Earth, so I want you to start by kissing Eve.' Adam answered, 'Yes Lord, but what's a 'kiss'?' So the Lord gave Adam a brief description and Adam then took Eve by the hand, behind a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged, and said, 'Lord, that was enjoyable.'
< small>And the Lord replied, 'Yes, Adam, I thought you'd enjoy that, and now I'd like you to caress Eve.' And Adam said, 'Lord, what's a 'caress'?' So the Lord gave Adam a brief description and Adam went again behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, 'Lord, that was even better than the kiss.'
And the Lord said, 'You've done well, Adam, and now I want you to make love to Eve.' And Adam said, 'Lord, what's 'making love'?' So the Lord again gave Adam directions, and Adam went to Eve, behind the bush. But this time he reappeared in two seconds... ..And Adam said, 'Lord, what's a 'headache'?'
A man came home from the Social Security Office. 'Honey,' he said to his wife, 'I finally convinced them that I'm old enough to collect Social Security.'
'How?' his wife asked. 'Since the depar tment of records in the small town you were born in was flooded, you can't get a copy of your birth certificate.'
'I know,' the man replied, 'I just unbuttoned my shirt and showed them all the gray hairs on my chest. That convinced them that I'm old enough.'
His wife retorted, 'Then while you were at it, why didn't you whip out your dick and get disability, too?!'
A man entered a tattoo parlor on the lower west side and wanted to get a tattoo.
'What can I do for you?' asked the tattoo artist. 'Well,' the man replied, 'I want a $100 dollar bill tattooed on my donger.'
'I've never that request before. Do you mind if I ask why?'
'Well, I really like watch my money grow. I also love to play with my money and, I'll tell you, My wife can blow a hundred dollar's better than anyone I've known!'