Redneck Jokes

    You know your a redneck if....
  • More than one living relative is named after a southern Civil War general.
  • Your front porch collapses and kills more than 3 dogs.
  • You've ever used lard in bed.
  • Your home has more miles on it than your car.
  • You think that spam on a saltine is an hors d'ouevre.
  • There is a stuffed possum (sic) anywhere in your house.
  • You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
  • Fewer than half of your cars run.
  • Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
  • The primary color of your car is "bondo."
  • You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
  • You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
  • Your family tree doesn't fork.
  • Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
  • Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
  • You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
  • The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
  • The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
  • Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
  • You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
  • Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
  • The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
  • You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
  • You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.

    Redneck Letter - from a redneck mother to her son....

    Dear Redneck Son,

    I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast.

    We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though; last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

    About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your Father out.Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother........... Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off valiantly and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

    Love, Mom

    P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

    Two good ol' boys bought a couple of horses that they used to make some money during the summer.

    But when winter came, they found it cost too much to board them. So they turned the horses loose in a pasture where there was pleanty to eat. 'How will we tell yours from mine when we pick them up?' one of them asked the other.

    'Easy,' replied the other. 'We'll cut the mane off mine and the tail off yours.'

    By spring, the mane and tail had grown back to normal length.

    'Now what are we going to do?' asked the first.

    'Why don't you just take the black one?' said the second. 'And I'll take the white one.'