A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter.
Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me Irving? I bought it with the insurance money!"
She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving remember that blowjob I promised you? Here it comes..."
Q: What is grosser than gross?
A: Drinking a Bloody Mary and finding a hair.
Q: What is grosser than gross?
A: Biting into a hotdog and finding a vein.
In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.
Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!
Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.
There was a farmer who owned a bull and a female cow and was trying desperately to mate the two. No matter what he did the bull didn't want any.
Finally he went to a friend who claimed to have had the same problem. So he asked him what could he do. The friend told him that he had to stick his arm up the cows pussy and rub it on the bull's nose. After doing so the bull went crazy and started humping the cow over and over.
With the success of the bull the farmer starts to wonder if this will work for him. So that night he gets in bed and starts playing with his wife. He rubs his nose with his hand and gets the biggest boner he has ever gotten.
He wakes his wife and tells her to look. She looks, and with a mean look on her face says, "You woke me up to show me that you have a bloody nose."
Charlie's an embalmer, and one day he says to his boss, "There's a problem with Mrs. Whittaker."
The boss says, "What's that?"
Charlie says, "I was getting her cleaned up when I noticed a jumbo shrimp sticking out of her pussy."
The boss says, "That's impossible. Show me."
They go to the table where she's lying, Charlie flips back the sheet, points, and says, "See? There's a jumbo shrimp sticking out of her pussy."
The boss takes a closer look and says, "You jerk, that's not a piece of shrimp. That's her clit."
Charlie says, "Her clit? Well, it sure tasted like shrimp."
A boy and a pedophile are out at night, walking towards the forest.
The boy says, "It's dark! I don't like it! I'm scared!"
The pedophile says, "You're scared! I've got to walk back out of here on my own!"
A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, know how old I am today?"
His father says, "No...how old?"
He says, "I'm eleven!"
He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, know how old I am today?"
She says, "Come closer..."
She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear.
She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, "You're eleven."
He says, "How could you tell?"
She says, "I heard you tell your father."
A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69."
She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care."
They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.
She says, "Answer the door." He says, "But my face is a mess." She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich."
He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."
The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."
A girl goes up to her father one night and says, "Dad, can I have the car tonight?"
Her father looks at her thoughtfully and says, "Sure, if you give me a blowjob."
So the girl puts his penis in her mouth and almost immediately spits it back out.
"Your penis tastes like shit!" she cries.
"Oh yeah," her father replied, "I forgot I loaned the car to your brother tonight."
This guy is sitting in his living room surfing the channels on the television. All of a sudden, the door of the apartment whips open and his girlfriend storms through.
She screams, "You fucking asshole!" and she heads into the bedroom.
Stunned, the man flips off the television and walks toward the bedroom, wondering, "Now what have I done?"
Inside the bedroom he finds the girl furiously packing a suitcase. He asks her what's up. She responds with a hiss, "My therapist says that I should leave you and that you're a pedophile!"
The man responds, "Wow, you're pretty smart for a 12 year old."