<< The BSH's Wizard Day Out

Summary?: The BSH members go out and have a spiffing adventure defeating smugglers etc. Mostly written by myself and Gidget but also featuring contributions by other members. The "- - - - -" shows a new writer.

It was a fine sunny day, and several children were sat outside on the lawn drinking ginger beer whilst Timmy the dog chased rabbits. “Woof!” he barked and leapt upon his mistress. “Do go away!” exclaimed Gidget, pushing the dog away. “You’re absolutely beastly when its hot,” “I say,” Black Limo said, leaping out of the tree he’d been climbing. “That neighbour of yours looks awfully suspicious! Do let’s go spy on them!” “What a wizard idea!” Trauma replied. “Us girls will go and pack a scrumptious picnic whilst you boys sit and do nothing!” “Why should the boys get to be lazy?” asked Gidget, the tomboy who secretly longed for a sex change. Psycho Dolly was very annoyed at Gidget getting ridiculous ideas above a girl's station and promptly hit her for it. “Do stop bawling!” Black Limo scolded, annoyed. Gidget scowled furiously, pushed her short boyish hair out of her eyes and followed AIR, Rainbow Brite and Trauma into the house. Psycho Dolly pulled out his pocket knife and compass. “I’ll bet that fellow is up to no good!” he announced. “Come on Timmy, we’ll need a strong fellow like you around!” The gang gathered their bicycles and pedalled off to spy on the creepy neighbour. Psycho Dolly looked through his binoculars. “I’ll say!” he announced. “You’ll never guess what he’s up to!” “Smuggling? Murdering?” Rainbow Brite asked eagerly. “Oh do shut up, girls don’t know anything,” Black Limo said grandly. “I’ll bet he’s up to no good! Let’s go take a closer look!” “I do love a good mystery!” AIR said happily as they all pedalled through the gates of the dark, creepy Zippy Mansion...

- - - Once the gang reached Zippy Mansion, BlackLimo ground to a halt and looked up at the battlements. “Golly, it’s awfully big isn’t it?” The rest of the group turned their heads and nodded in agreement, whilst Timmy entangled himself around their bike chains. “Well there’s no point in turning back now.” TrAuMa snapped. “We shall have a jolly good adventure I should imagine.” PsychoDolly shrugged and carried on pedalling. “I shall find the legendary treasure, even if you chaps don’t.” And with that, he disappeared from sight...

- - - "Oh, alright then!" The rest of the gang pedalled after Psycho Dolly, but he was nowhere to be seen. "Golly!" AIR shivered. "You don't think that awful man has kidnapped him, do you?" "Nah, who on earth would want Dolly?" Black Limo pointed out sensibly. In their idyllic world, they knew nothing of paedophiles, rapists or such. “Unless he tried to intefere with their evil plans, of course..” They pedalled into the yard and looked around. "Woof!" An enormous black dog raced out and ran straight at Timmy. Gidget shrieked. "Someone get that beastly dog away from Timmy!" Instead, the rest of the gang sensibly ran and hid in the outhouses whilst Timmy was being mauled. "I say!" Rainbow Brite whispered to herself as she hid amongst some hens. "I do believe someone’s coming!” She peered out from the henhouse and saw a large fellow and a woman approaching. They had evil scowls that instantly identified them as smugglers or kidnappers. “I say Whoregasm, isn’t this a fine day?” rockingeordie conversed as they fed the hens. “I’d absolutely hate it if it was ruined by some pesky kids trying to find out what we’re up to again!” “Oh yes!” Whoregasm replied. “I’d be so angry if I happened to find some children hiding on our property again! It would ruin all of our plans!” “The Boss would be absolutely furious! Better lock the gates!” Rainbow Brite watched with dread as the ten-foot gates slid shut. They were trapped on Zippy Mansion!

- - - Meanwhile, Psycho Dolly had climbed up some ivy and smashed an upstairs window. He bounded in with little or no thought to vandalism and trespassing. “I say!” He announced to the empty room. “A secret passage! I wonder what they’re hiding in here!” With that, he clambered into the ‘secret passage’ which was actually a microwave...

- - - ...So, consequently, PsychoDolly was fried for being such a frightfully obnoxious chap.

- - - Meanwhile, the gang were having problems of their own. “I say, are we all ok?” hissed Gidget, as she dusted off her dungarees. “I should think so you silly girl!” retorted BlackLimo. “We were only hiding from those beastly people.” Right on cue, Rainbow Brite tumbled from the henhouse with an unmentionable amount of feathers in her mouth. “Wicked creatures!” TrAuMa looked unimpressed. “Are we going to find Dolly or what? I’m afraid he’s in danger!” Timmy was the only member of the group that look faintly remorseful. "Gee whizz" said AIR.

- - - "How are we ever going to get out?" Black Limo pondered. He pulled out his compass and a piece of string. "I could rig up a rope ladder!" He boasted, tying knots in it. "Oh, dont let's be silly!" AIR scolded. "I'm tired and hungry and I've lost all the sandwiches and ginger beer," "Perhaps there's some in the house!" Gidget suggested brightly, and they climbed in the kitchen window and forgot all about Dolly.

- - - - - Two hours later they had finished eating everything in the kitchen. "I say, those sausage rolls were wizard!" Black Limo said as he finished the fifth litre bottle of lemonade. They were just about to go and resume the search for Dolly when they suddenly heard footsteps and dived into the larder. “I found this mutt killing our dog, cats and all of our hens!” rockingeordie growled, holding up a very dead Timmy. Intestines spewed out from a gaping hole in his side. “The BEAST!” Gidget sobbed tearfully. Black Limo shoved a nearby dishcloth in her mouth to shut her up. Whoregasm and rockingeordie left the kitchen to go and bury the dead hens or something. The gang fell out of the larder and Gidget (who had turned blue from lack of oxygen) was revived. There was a sudden sound from behind them. “I say! Sorry I‘m late! puffed Nancy Whore. “I heard you all talking from over the fence, what‘s going on?” “Those beastly people killed Timmy!” sobbed Rainbow Brite. “And we just know that evil old man Zippy is up to all sorts of trouble!” Nancy Whore gasped. “I say, we’d better find a way out of here then!” She cleverly deducted. “Well, how did you get in here?” Trauma asked curiously. “Why, through the secret underground passageway!” Nancy Whore exclaimed. “It leads directly to the shore for easy smuggling access. I saw all sorts of funny looking crates down there!” “Super!” Black Limo pulled out his notebook and jotted that down. “We have all sorts of clues to put these awful people in jail for ever and ever!”

- - - So Black Limo and NancyWhore went through the secret passage and as sure as eggs is eggs, they came to the suspicious looking packages but found Whoregasm to be guarding them. "Oh Darn" Nancywhore exclaimed. "whatever shall we do now" "I shall distract Whoregasm as you go and find out what is lurking within those suspicious looking crates" BlackLimo suggested as he pulled out his magic wand and began to wave it furiously. "Oh jolly good idea" NancyWhore cried. BlackLimo waved his wand and jet of spray hit Whoregasn square on her head where she yelped with suprise and ran to hide behind a bush. 'It sure isn't like Whoregasm to give up so easily' BlackLimo thought putting his wand away. Before he could warn Nancywhore that things don't seem quite right, she had already begun to prance towards the crates. She used her uncles crow bar to open one of the crates to find Boogie squatted inside. "Oh gosh" she called as she saw Boogie sitting there in suprise. Whoregam, meanwhile, had recovered from the blast of magic wand spray and headed back to find NancyWhore and an overwhelmed Boogie peeping her head out from one of her crates.

- - - Boogie saw her chance and lept out of the crate. "I say!" she exclaimed. It was rather beastly being stuck in that box for so long, thank you NancyWhore!" Turning round to see the rest of the gang stood about like spare parts, she quickly pulled a bottle of ginger beer out of her pocket and passed it round. "Mmm, that was awfully kind of you Boogie." said Gidget. "But I should like to carry on with our marvellous adventure! Lets carry on searching for that beastly old man, Zippy" "Oh, do lets!" cried Rainbow Brite, with more vigor than was needed. "That's a wizard idea!" grinned AIR. "Let's get out of this awful passageway and try to find that silly chap Dolly. All nodding in agreement and quite content from the lashings if ginger beer the gang set off with Boogie in tow, but what they didn't know was....

- - - ...that Boogie was secretly working for Whoregasn and it had all been a trap to catch Gidget all her friends. What an evil muppet that Boogie was. What ever will they all do now?

- - - 'By golly, that was strong ginger beer' said BlackLimo. 'I could have sworn that I just saw Dolly, but it can't have been him'. 'I say' gasped Gidget. 'Dolly! We forgot all about him. let's go and rescue him from these baddies, and break this smuggling ring' Meanwhile, Zippy was chortling to himself about his victory over the foolish children. Little did they know of the fate that was about to befall them. He called for his trusty assistants.

- - - Unfortunately Whoregasm and rockingeordie were too busy crying over the loss of all the sausage rolls and ginger beer to come and help capture the children. "Quickly!" gasped AIR as she ran upstairs. "I think I heard a sound!" The gang burst into an empty room and spotted the microwave. "A secret passage!" Rainbow Brite announced. "Perhaps we'll find Dolly gagged and bound inside!" So she pried open the microwave door and screamed as Dolly's lightly charred remains fell out....

- - - "Superb!" yelled Gidget, before quickly putting herself in check. "I mean...errr...how absolutely GHASTLY of those wicked creatures! Poor Dolly!" AIR took one look at the remains and fainted. "Stupid girl" snorted BlackLimo, staring down at AIR. "I could've had a wizard time back in the garden clibing that tree, instead I'm here trying to find some silly treasure!" Gidget sniffed. Rainbow Brite quickly steered the gang out of the microwave/secret passage. "We shall have no more silly accidents, we're leaving right this instant! I'm sure mother has prepared us a scumptious dinner." As the gang turned to leave they heard a strange creaking noise coming from the...

- - - ...microwave as Dolly's toasted burnt remains dragged themselves across the floor and grabbed BL's ankle. "Egads!" AIR cried. Black Limo shrieked in a girly manner and pranced around the room trying to free himself, whilst Gidget pulled out her trusty pocket knife and dismembered Dolly in five minutes. "Oh Gidget, you're so strong and manly!" Rainbow Brite sobbed admiringly. Gidget beamed proudly and wiped the blood onto her dungarees. Rainbow Brite secretly longed for Gidget, but she knew that homosexuals were disgusting fiendish people. "Righto, off to break the smuggling ring and find out what that evil old man Zippy is up to!" Gidget declared. "Then we can go home and enjoy a scrumptious tea and wallow in self-satisfaction upon solving yet another mystery!" She strode off bravely.

- - - ...As Zippy sat in his rather old leather chair he smiled faintly to himself. Later he would go next door and introduce himself to his new neighbours. They seemed a jolly bunch, especially those darling children, he mused. Helping himself to another cool glass of ginger beer he decided that he would...

- - - ... take a bath first and get a good nights sleep, before he tackeld the neighbours. He'd had more than enough excitement for one night. He walked gently up the stairs and into his bathroom, turned on the taps and slowly dropped his C&A knickers to the floor. As he was reaching for the bubblebath, he heard a low growl from outside the window and stopped to listen. "Its nothing, i'm sure," he said to himself and he dipped his toe into the water to test the heat. Zippy climbed into the bath and relaxed, listening to Pantera on his cd player and dreaming of a life on a small desert highland, where he could farm hamsters to sell to Richard Gere. Just as he was starting to feel life was grand he heard the low growl again, except this time much more defined and a lot clearer. "Who's that?" shouted Zippy, sitting up. "Grrrrrr," came the reply, and a large turd floated to the top of the water. Zippy jumped out and pulled on his dressing gown, ran downstairs and pulled open his curtains to the patio door. Outside on the back garden sat ...

- - - ..a very large furry creature. "What in Brian's name are you?" asked Zippy. The creature looked at Zippy, and grinned, showing enormous sharp teeth. "I" It growled, "Am the unspeakable one. And I am here to be your undoing." The creature launched itself at Zippy, who dodged to the side, his dressing gown flapping accross the creatures facee as it slammed headfirst into a brick wall. Looking back at the creature. Zippy noticed it wore a collar. He removed the identity note and opened it. It read: "Name - Voskat Owner - Uncle Dr Molko Tarrentino Address - Kirrin Cottage, Kirrin, Kirrinshire." "Hmm", thought Zippy. " I must pay this mad scientist a visit..." Zippy reached behind him to where a bellcord was hanging and pulled it. With a woosh, a small aircraft flew down to the garden, and a hunchbacked woman got out and opened the door for Zippy. As he stepped into the plane, he said "To Kirrin Cottage, Marie" The hunchback wiped some drool from her chin, and leaned into the pilot, who was busy tapping on the cockpit with his hands. "To Kirrin Cottage, Mr Diddle!" Marie screamed, wiping her chin clean again, and tapping the pilots leg with her hand." She climbed into the plane next to Zippy, and with a roar it zoomed into the sky. "Oh my. Look at that!" Gidget called. Nancywhore and Blacklimo put each other down, and stared at the plane...

- - - "They're off to kidnap some rich people or smuggle some stolen good!" Rainbow Brite cried as the plane rose into the air. "Golly!" Black Limo gulped. "I suppose we'd better concentrate on getting out of here then, what?" "Not very sporting of you, old chap! They're up to no good and we'll have to see to them!" Gidget frowned. "Here, pass me that string of yours!" She quickly made a passable rope ladder out of it and as the plane flew above them, managed to throw it over the plane's wing and they were pulled into the air. They climbed up the rope quickly, except for AIR who didn't climb quick enough and was splattered against the wall as the plane cleared it. "What an awful mess!" Trauma commented. "I say, there'll be none of us left to eat that scrumptious tea once we've seen to this smuggling ring!" Boogie looked appalled. "Ah well, all the more sausage rolls and sandwiches for us, eh chaps?" "I say, did you hear something?" Zippy wondered. "Perhaps we'd better investigate!"

- - - Doing his best Bond impression, Zippy manfully clambered out of his seat, opened the door of the small plane and leaned out to look at the underside. "My god, nobody ever told me clouds dropped this low!" he exclaimed, surprised, when he could see none of the underside of the plane, nor the ropeladder with it's excursionists praying desperately that he wouldn't spot them. Still seeing nothing, Zippy swung himself back into the plane. "Gosh, that was rather close!!" screamed TrAuMa, hoping everybody would hear her over the noise of the plane. "I thought we were gone-ers for a minute!" "No need to yell!" bellowed Gidget, irritably, who happened to be stationed directly below TrAuMa. Eventually the plane reached Kirrinshire. As the gang looked over the landscape something most bizarre happened. The plane started to...

- - - sputter, and glitter began falling out of it's engines. "Oh no! Said Mr Diddle. We've sucked in a glitterbird! We have to bail out." Mr Diddle had previously been in the Paras, and so knew how to jump out of a plane. He helped Zippy and Marie to put on parachutes, and then jumped out of the plane.

- - - As Mr Diddle, Zippy and Marie floated safely to the ground, the rest of the stowaways began to panic. "Oh golly!" Black Limo whimpered. "Looks like we're done for!" His lower lip began to tremble. The plane sputtered and began to fail, heading directly for a church! They all let go of the rope shortly before it smashed into the steeple. "Ow!" The gang yelped as they landed on a rather large nun with a moustache who had chosen an absoluely appalling time to go for a walk. "I say! After those blighters!" Trauma cried, removing bits of squashed nun from herself. And they began to run upon realising the nun was really...

- - - ..Perdue! As Rainbow Brite helped the rather flattened soul to her feet, she apologised profusely. "We really are sorry, aren't we gang? It must have been a rather beastly shock for you seeing us all appear from nowhere and all!" "I say!" butted in BlackLimo. "Why don't you help us with our adventure? We're trying to catch some awful bloke named Zippy, but it appears he's vanished!" Boogie watched this all with great interest. "How do you suppose we find him?" No-one knew. TrAuMa coughed. "Actually, I know where to start" exclaimed Perdue. "Where?" the group cried all at once. "In the..." Before Perdue could continue a cloaked fuigure waddled up, it was.....

- - - ...the duck from Slackerbitch's avatar. "Quack" it said. "Hullo duckie!" Said Blacklimo, "Do you know where Zippy has gone?" "Quack! Over there!" said the duck, pointing with a wing. "Oh jolly good. Lets go" said Boogie.

- - - Black Limo was frustrated from sausage roll and lemonade deprivation and so he ate the duck before the gang hopped onto some nearby bicycles and set off at a furious pace. "What ho!" Rainbow Brite pointed. "Isn't that Kirrin Cottage where that mad scientist Dr Molko lives? That must be where they are heading!" Black Limo gulped and spat out some feathers. Gidget strutted over to investigate in her manly way. Rainbow Brite stared lovingly at Gidget. Boogie stroked her beard. Trauma passed around ginger beer and sausage rolls from her seemingly inexhaustable supply. "I say!" Gidget gasped, peering in the dirty window. "Those blighters are there! You chaps will never guess what's going on!"

- - - As Gidget struggled to see more from her perch on a dustbin, she over balanced and sent the whole lot crashing to the ground. The gang froze. Spluttering, Gidget removed a soggy piece of bread from her hair. "Oh no! You don't think they heard that do you, chaps?" Right on cue, the massive oakwood door of the cottage slammed open, revealing a rather miffed Dr Molko, who was brandishing a test-tube menacingly. She took one look at BlackLimo, and cried. "I've found you!" And rushed towards him. Unbeknownst to the gang, BlackLimo was Dr Molko's.....

- - - ...siamese twin separated at birth. Feeling the joys of reunion they...

- - - ... broke down and wept, falling to the floor and praying to God because they were so happy. Just as BlackLimo was opening his eyes, he noted a small piece of metal on the floor. Examing it closer he noticed it was a small gold key. "Whats this?" he asked, picking it up and holding it aloft. "Looks like a key," stated Dr Molko. "We know that, what for?" "Dunno, keep it and we might find out later," said Dr Molko as she stood up, brushed off and walked away to the ...

- - - ..secret labratory where she got up to all kinds of illegal shenanigans. While they were there, Dr Molko and Black Limo busily sewed themselves back together using Black Limo's now infamous piece of string. They were quite chipper about being re-united and forgot about everyone else whilst they caught up on all their news. Meanwhile, the rest of the gang were getting down to the seventh round of ginger beer that day when Boogie decided to reveal she was one of Whoregasm's evil comrades all along and hit them all over the head with an empty bottle! She tied them up and stored them in a closet and chortled merrily in an evil sort of way. That kindly old fellow Zippy had no knowledge of this because he was far too busy making friends with Dr Molko's pet budgie. "I say! What a ripping adventure!" Trauma whispered in the closet as they tried to free themselves. "Oh, absolutely!" Gidget nodded enthusiastically. "Black Limo is stitched to an evil scientist, Nancy Whore seems to have disappeared for good, half the gang is dead, we've been in a plane crash and those evil blighters will probably finish us off any minute! What more could one want?" Just then there was a banging on the closet door. It was the evil Boogie and Whoregasm whose evil plan was...

- - - ..to feed the children more sausage rolls! What a dastardly thing to do! "Urghh...I...I think...I'm going to...be rather...sick" gasped Rainbow Brite, before making a great show of spilling the contents of her stomach onto the floor and the nearby TrAuMA, who was most displeased. "Boogie! I thought you were our friend, now look at this ghastly mess you've gotten us into!"scolded Gidget, who was feeling a little bloated herself. As the remaining gang members writhed around and made rather dodgy noises a strange mysterious figure flew past Boogie and Whoregasm, subsiquently knocking them flying and settled itself in front of the gang. It was....Cressy! She drew a deep breath before saying...

- - - "if im given 4 sauages rolls i shall turn into a beatiful princess with a endless supply or ginger beer and glitter" the children thought for a moment when suddenly blacklimo stepped forward and.....

- - - ..fell over his untied shoelaces and squashed NimNim who had wandered in to have some ginger beer. "How absolutely un-ripping!" Rainbow Brite groaned, standing in a puddle of liquidised NimNim. "Cookies, little children?" Zippy enquired as he entered the room, holding a tray of his delicious home-baked cookies, which he had spent all day preparing just in case some hungry friends should pass his way. "But.. but I thought you were evil!" Gidget gasped, whilst indulging in several very nice cookies. "Don't touch them, Gidget! That awful man has probably poisoned them!" Black Limo cried. "Poison? Why, what sort of fellow do you take me for?" Zippy chortled heartily. "I'm just a sweet old man who wants to....."

- - - ..."spend the rest of my life repairing Zippy Mansion with what's left of my vast pension. You young whippersnappers have gotten the wrong end of the stick yet again!" He ruffled Rainbow Brite's hair. "Now, shall we all find a way of getting back home? I'm sure your mother has layed out a scrumptious feast by now." Everyone nodded in agreement. Gidget, TrAuMa, Rainbow Brite, Perdue, Cressy, Whoregasm, Boogie, BlackLimo, Dr. Molko, Marie, Mr Didle and a rather liquidised NimNim all trailed after Zippy, it looked like all was well again. Until....

- - - ..Zippy got home and discovered the burnt and dismembered remains of Dolly and foolishly thought someone had had a barbeque and ate the lot. If only he'd stuck to the infamous sausage rolls...

- - - ...Seeing Zippy chomping away on Dolly's remains made everyone distinctly nausious(sp?) so they all promptly threw up the afternoon's ginger beer and sausage rolls. Thus ending their spiffy adventures! End!