HOWARD
Produced by a bunch of people with obviously too much time on their hands; Vol. 2, Issue 7

Words of Enlightenment by Nels Berge

All this talk about a former sister missionary, who shall remain nameless to protect her identity, returning to the area later this year to live as a regular member makes me want to address the issue of dating taboos in single mormon culture. If Sister Oberg returns and becomes a regular member of the ward, can guys in the ward date her? It's a foggy issue, to say the least. Most people would probably say sure, why not? I suppose that if she's a regular ward member then it's not really much of an issue. It's not like dating while on a mission, cutting her toenails or painting her toenails or something! I'm fairly certain that, as a missionary, I fell in love with a sister missionary in my district. I was going home in a month and she wasn't, so it's not like it did me any good. I think that she was engaged anyway. Mission love doesn't count as a dating taboo. Being a missionary does weird things to a person's sense of attraction and , besides, the 'Lock your heart' talk by President Kimball that every missionary gets upon entering the mission field is almost always enough to make an elder or sister keep that love for another missionary completely platon ic. What about other dating taboos more close to home? The one that I seem to hear a lot about is dating home teachers. Apparently, there is some unwritten rule that is supposed to prevent a home teacher from dating the girls that he home teaches and vice versa. If that were true, then probably one-third of the marriages ins singles' wards would never happen. Home teachers share more than just a brief message. They share brief love! The other taboo that I seem to hear a lot about is another apparently unwritten rule that girls shouldn't ask guys out on dates. If that were true, then the ward would consist of 113 women spending their Friday nights pining away in their apartments and 95 guys hanging out with each other playing the Sony PlayStation. If women can vote and drive cars and own property, then why can't they ask guys out on dates? My advice to all the guys is to not volunteer to home teach Sister Oberg, but to let her ask you out on a date first. Then, I would try to work a free haircut out of it.

Publius

Nurse Nuptual

Dear Nurse Nuptual, CES broadcasts are soon going to be done for the school year. Where can I go to meet nice guys and display my affection for them publicly?

P.D.A.

Dear P.D.A.,

The end of the school year may be approaching, but fortunately for you that means those nice young men at BYU will be back for the summer. They'll be looking for a little excitement in their lives. Surely the singles' ward wouldn't leave you hanging with nothing to do! If the object of your affection plays softball, you can go watch his games. You will have a difficult time displaying your affection, however, if you opt to play as well. Instead, you will have to wait on the bench with him when his team is up to bat. Then, you will be ab le to cling to his arm or sit on his lap and compliment on his softball skills (even where none exist). You can also find excuses to hang around the institute. Read some books in the library, or make it look like you are waiting for the Bishop so it seems like you have real reason to be there. Someone interesting is bound to come along. Once you have zeroed in on your target and things are proceeding nicely, you can cuddle on the institute couches.

Motto of the day: Let your love shine before all men!

Nurse Nuptual

 

Women's Lib Richard X. Anthony Walch

While we're on the subject of things guys and girls can and can't do, I have a couple philosophical points to raise. First, why can't you tell a girl to go 'north' on a road? What's with this obsession with buildings as turning landm arks? Second, I think girls can be really good at softball and volleyball. Especially the ones who don't apologize for every mistake they make. In fact, my first church activity was a young women's softball game between Maple Grove and Plymouth 1st. I hated it. I didn't have much experience with recreational organized sports (as opposed to competitive and/or informal) and it was a major shock to see so many people taking the time to play a game and not caring about winning or losing. Anyway, there is a fundamental difference in attitudes between the genders with regards to competition. Third, one time I heard one of the ward's sweet sisters commenting that 'all the guys in the ward are idiots because they don't ask girls out.'Sisters, a word of advice: there is a short list of things that will really help guys emerge from their metaphorical shells to ask someone out. Calling them idiots for not doing so is not one of them.

Who's heard of mission goggles? I was recently having a conversation with one of the ward's sweet sisters who's preparing to go on a mission. In order to protect the innocent and maintain anonymity, we'll just call the sister 'N. Rizz'. Anyway, I was telling 'N. Rizz' how cute her pictures were and how all the elders in her prospective mission office will note the cuteness thereof. Not like in a bad way. In a platonic 'my, she's a sweet daughter of Zion' way. She was surprised by this (not because of the picture quality... because of the picture audience). But I told her: 'Nicky, Spencer W. Kimball wouldn't have had to give that 'Lock your Heart' talk if it wasn't for mission goggles. 'She looked at me blankly. Of course, if she ends up in Latin America, elders are the last men she needs to worry about.

More things Leticia says (add this to last week's list):

5. We like you even though you're ugly (maybe add a reassuring shoulder slap or rub).

RX

 

The Pasta Connection

This issue's winners of a free pasta dinner and tickets to the orchestra are Pat Crompton and Johnette Johnson. Pat has recently returned from his second mission in South America sporting the same curly hair but a new llama jacket. Johnette continues to mystify the male population of the ward. To make The Pasta Connection more appealing, dinner will be with me and Richard. Our apologies to all the girls in the ward who didn't get to be featured in The Pasta Connection with Pat.

 

The Fine Print

First, at long last we managed to finally play a game of Trivial Pursuit. The new Trivial Pursuit standings are as follows: Richard 6, Nels 6, Jed 3.

Second, Mormon Melrose is a smash success! Rumor has it that others are jockeying to get into Mormon Melrose come summer.

Third, yes, Nurse Nuptual is the new feature columnist so as to make Howard more appealing to all genders.

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