Howard

Special Housing Issue; Vol 2, Issue4

Words of Enlightenment by Nels Berge

So, it looks like within the next couple of months half the ward is going to move into Anderson Plaza Apartments, thereby creating 'Little Provo', or as I like to think of it 'Mormon Melrose.' It is not surprising that the members of the ward are all of the sudden scrambling to move into close proximity to one another. It is surprising, however, that nobody did it before. In fact, when I moved into the ward a year and a half ago, I was surprised that nobody had ever thought of trying to move as many mem bers of the ward into on building or apartment complex. It boggles the mind. There was that one house full of guys in south Minneapolis (remember Doug?), right there next to the 'hood, but that was not the same. When that partnership of guys disbanded, the Blue House and the new Grey House tried to fill the small void (I think that Como Avenue is the new Mason-Dixon line). In the neighborhood of the Blue House, there is a sort of small scale 'Little Provo.' Well, it's more like a 'Little Payson' or 'Little Spanish Fark.' Perhaps I was just being nostalgic or overly sentimental for my BYU days when I was surprised a year and a half ago that there was not an apartment building or complex where the core of the ward lived. When I was at BYU, my ward was on e square block, or even smaller. It was just several buildings of one apartment complex, half of one square block. Not that our 400 square mile St. Paul 5th ward is not ideal, but my 1 square block BYU 73rd ward was just a little more ideal. Instead of driving twenty miles round trip to home or visit teach, the trip was twenty feet (give or take a foot). While I doubt that anybody in the new Mormon Melrose actually gets assigned to home or visit teach someone else in Mormon Melrose, it will be nice to h ave other members of the ward living at a mere twenty paces. Perhaps with a little time, Mormon Melrose will grow into the place of places. I envision the day when people will be able to walk to their family home evening meeting place in a matter of sec o nds! I envision the day when, to go home or visit teaching, I will not have to wear a coat, or maybe even shoes! I envision the day when to hang out with other members of my ward, I do not have to go to the institute! Some members of the ward might arg ue against the notion of a 'Little Provo' or 'Mormon Melrose.' There is always the chance that living so close to other members of the ward will create what is called the fishbowl effect. I lived in an apartment complex once where the doors all directly f aced each other across a narrow parking lot. Everybody always knew where everybody else was and what everybody else was doing. Mormon Melrose is not configured in such a way, however. There is always the chance that living so close to other members of t he ward will crowd everybody too close. If our bulging ward can fit into the shoebox-sized institute building then we can certainly handle living in close proximity to one another. Choose ye this day where ye shall live. As for me and my roommates, we shall live in Little Provo!

Publius

The Pasta Connection

Perhaps the most attractive photographs ever published in Howard! This issue's winners are Jeremy Hill and Bekwiss Christensen, in their two extremes. Is that a football helmet you're wearing, Bekwiss? Are you a Donny Osmond look-a-like, Jeremy? Contact the editors of Howard for your free pasta dinner and tickets to the orchestra.

The Windows of Philosophy by RXW

I was hanging out in Stadium Village, MN, one night when I received a call from Tori Spelling. Most of you will know Tori as Donna on TV's hit Beverly Hills 90210, although she also played Screech's girlfriend on everyone's favorite Saved by the Bell (Screech, FYI, was played by Dustin Diamond, the son of singer Neil Diamond and brother of the Beastie Bo y s' Mike D[iamond]). But all that is neither here nor there. Tori was calling not to ask me out (which was my first thought) but to talk to me about a project her dad, Aaron, was working on. Aaron, of course, has been a famous TV producer for a long tim e . I think he did Charlie's Angels back in the 70's, and broke back in with 90210 and Melrose Place. All this talk about the "Mormon Melrose" in NE Mpls had gotten the rusty old wheels in Aaron's head turning, and we talked at length about some of the ideas he has. We'll run through each of the units that make up the Mormon establishment, their role in the sitcom, and the characters who will dwell in each.

Apartment #1: The Originals
Major Players (initials used to protect the innocent): L.G., played by Gloria Estefan and the Miami Sound Machine (said Spelling: "no one will wonder why Leticia has a twenty piece Latin band following her around... they'll wonder why it hasn't happened before"); T.S.L., harkening back to our glory days in the 1980's, Alyssa Milano of Who's the Boss fame (and more recently Melrose Place) has been casted; N.R.- there has been a big push for Marisa Tomei to play this role due to a striking physical resemblance. Clever Plot Devices: 1> Close contact with two missionaries serving in Chile and Germany, "could be used for whacky mail-switching accident episode with tender ending where everyone remembers the importance of good mail service".2> Proximity to two (or three) all-guy apartments make Apartment #1 a guarenteed battlefield for competing males of the tribe, "imagine Gloria's surprise on her birthday when she awakens to find three potential serenaders outside her window pit-fighting for the right to serenade her". Whacky.
Apartment #2: Da Boyz
Major Players: N.B.- the s arcasm aspect made that guy who plays Chandler the obvious choice, "a coffeeless Friends character... intriguing"; J.C.- Clint Eastwood or Charles Bronson. Although Josh isn't really into the whole "vigilante gun thing" we couldn't pass up the 'quiet commanding presence' factor. J.D.G.- Joey from Friends to complement Nels' Chandler. Sorry Jed. J.K.- Big hair, whacky physical humor, KRAMER! Clever Plot Devices: 1> Aaron is sure the pilot, used to introduce the sitcom's characters, will involve Apartment #2 and the drama as Trivial Pursuit rivalries flare. 2> Difficulties arise as the four roommates discuss which of the bathroom's three bars of soap is in 'double-use'.
Apartments #3 and #4: The Wildcards
Major Players: These bonus apartments, with high turnover and lots of rumoured move-ins and -outs, are the perfect vehicle for lots of special guest stars. Hopefully, we can have Diane from Cheers for at least one episode. And maybe Kevin's nerdy Jewish friend from Wonder Years.

Homo Erroneous

One more things...

'Many are called, but few are chosen.' This week at Howard, we have learned the true meaning of this verse as certain potential guest columnists have fallen by the wayside. In terms of journalistic salvation, we are separating the wheat from the chaff.

The Fine Print

We here at Howard are dedicated to saving the orchestra... one piece of paper at a time. That's why we print Howard on recycled paper, usually plucked from the recycling bins of the French and Italian Department of the U of M. When Richard and I aren't being witty and stuff we like to wear loin cloths ad hug trees. Mmmm, sappy! We had originally planned on printing Howard on 100% recycled sheets of styrofoam.

Trivial Pursuit standngs: Richard 6, Nels 5, Jed 3.

We didn't have another sister missionary's address to print, so we figured that we would just print departing Sister Oberg's address. As always, Carpe Diem brethern! -CYBER-EDITING-

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