Hey you fetchin' fetchers! Vol. 2, Issue 2
Words of Enlightenment by Nels Berge
I want to know who said that it was ok for people to draw smiley faces at the end of sentences. For some reason, women can get away with this more than men, which is fine. Women need something to distinguish their writing from that of men anyway. It se ems for the most part that the smiley face is a non-word way to say: 'I'm just kidding' or some near equivalent. It makes sense to have non-word ways to say some things. Sort of like the RSVP means: Please call and let me know if you can come to my birthday party AND BRING A GIFT, DANGIT!' (or I've heard that it is short for some phrase in French). I think that women could use a few more non-word ways to say such other things as: 'Sorry, that only made sense to me' or 'Please bring Jell-O with grated carrots inside' or 'Send Midol!' Even e-mail is not immune to smiley faces. It took me forever to figure out that : ) was supposed to be a side-ways smiley face. I thought that it was just a typing mistake, until I noticed that those smiley faces only show ed up on e-mails from girls. Now, there are all kinds of dumb derivatives like ; ) or : ( or : P. I prefer to just use words instead of non-words. It's all part of the whole virility thing, I think. Guys just generally don't draw smiley faces. For example, call me prideful and haughty if you must, but I am still sore from patting myself on the back for having successfully used the word extrapolate in a recent paper that I wrote. Perhaps I have learned something at college after all (one would hope so at least after seven years) and that is to use cool-sounding, big words to impress professors. Knowing what the words mean is kind of important too, I suppose. If you are not impressed by my use of the word extrapolate, then let me mention a few of the other words that I also successfully used which made my arm even more sore after still more patting myself on the back: gleaned, inciteful, chronological, affix, thorough, expound, infer, tedious, prominent. What can we conclude about the matter? As the verbose drunken man once exclaimed as he stepped onto my bus in Denver and while raising his hands up in the air: Ladies and gentlemen, I am the man! : )
The Pasta Connection
It seems like everybody in the ward is hooking up and getting married. We here at Howard want to do our part to help this trend continue. Consequently, we are beginning 'The Pasta Connection.' Each issue, two lucky winners will be selected (by pure random and scientific means of course) to win a free pasta dinner together. It will be up to them to find a time to get together and then contact the editors of Howard for a free pasta dinner. This issue's lucky winners are Amy Sullivan and Trent Erickson.
Philosophy Bites by Rick X
Kicking back. Prepping for country dancing and listening to Beck. Eating cold cereal. The perfect atmosphere in which to outline the ward's hottest new marriage-catalyst-program... the Marriage-merit Merit badge! The idea came to me once as I was talking to a friend. In the interest of maintaining anonymity I don't want to divulge her name... so we'll just call her "M.D.". Anyway, we were talking at her house, which is just one block from mine, after she had gotten home from work at UPS. M.D. told me that she had a bread-maker and that she had attempted to make bread. The grinding sound that then started was the sound of the little gears in my head turning with such vigor as to produce the idea of the Marriage-merit Merit badge. I realized that M.D.'s newly acquired kitchen appliance made her more marriable... and not just to me or the other guys who knew she had a bread-maker, but to the whole ward-- indeed- to the whole universe. Yet, as far as I could tell, M.D. would never receive the credit due her unless she actively told people that she was now a potential bread-making bake-tress. While that was a viable option, the Marriage-merit Merit badge is at once faster and more effective. Combining the principles of Boy Scouts and Young Women's, each member of the ward will wear a sash to church. The sash must be worn on Sundays, although weekday use is also encouraged (for more Marriage-merit exposure). A ward member receives badges based on their gender and the qualities, talents, and abilities that they have that are worth marriage-merit to members o f the opposite gender. Due to space restrictions, the merit badges will simply be listed below. For further details, the official "Marriage-merit Merit Badge" can be ordered for $10.99 from "X Publications" at 1010 SE Essex St. #106, Mpls., MN 55414.
What makes a man attractive? A motorcycle, of course. A women? Docility. Not sure if a potential beau is manly enough for you?... check out the merit badges with the blue outline. Brethren, if you want to know if that special sister is especially daint y and feminine, look no farther than the badges with the pink outline.
MEN: Car repair, Singing (special bonus star for bass), Motorcycle, Spicy Food, Sideburn/Goatie Maintenance, Cliff-diving (bonus stars: increased elevation), Near-death Experiences, Math/Analytical thinking, Action movies, Mission stories (b.s.: embellishment), Back-pat hugs, Sony Playstation prowess.
WOMEN: Piano playing, Back massage/scratch (b.s. during Church meetings), Poetry/Emotional thinking, Early Childhood education major, Kim Anderson/Ann Geddes collection, Anne of Green Gables (Anne of Avonlea is b.s.), Fake Laughing, Saluatory Hugs, BREAD MAKER!!!.
Rumor Mill: -A ward member (now living in Du'Luth) has the power to create engagements... be warned! - Car pooling for the Janice K.P concert.... call 55-PERRY for more info. -No more dinner groups! The activities committee will strictly enforce 'The Pasta Connection' (no exceptions). Look for black shirts and nightsticks.
E. Pluribus Unum
One more things...
First, Trivial Pursuit Standings: Nels 5, Jed 3, Richard 3.
Second, coming soon: Gary's Country, Man.
Finally, count the Simpsons' references... win a prize!!
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