Howard

Now more verbose than ever! Vol. 2, Issue 3

Words of Enlightenment by Nels Berge

I watched the Star Wars trilogy on video a few days ago and, as bad as this sounds, my opinion of it was seriously damaged. I mean, the original Star Wars was good, but by the time that they finally exploded the second Death Star in Return of the Jedi I was just fired up. Don't get me wrong. I can't wait until May 21, when the first Star Wars prequel opens in theaters. (That's Star Wars IV, which is actually Star Wars I. If you're confused, read the episode numbers during the prologues of the movies. i.e., those floating yellow paragraphs in space.) I suppose that my damaged opinion of Star Wars actually began last year. One of my roommates and I were watching The Empire Strikes Back. All I remember is suddenly being reprimanded for my making Mystery Science Theater-like comments. Blasphemy. Anyway, watching the Star Wars trilogy on video a few days ago made me see that the films were not flawless like I remembered them to be when I was younger. I have some serious questions that have no apparent answers. The most pressing being the most basic. For example, does anybody ever stop and go to the bathroom in that galaxy far, far away? Not once in four-plus hours of viewing did I ever see any restrooms. The Millenium Falcon? No restrooms. They have the ability to go light speed, but can't go to the bathroom? Are we supposed to believe that Chewbacca just holds it? What about Yoda's planet, which itself resembles a big intergalactic toilet? No restrooms. Not even on the Death Star, which has this laser cannon that can take out a whole planet in one shot, did I once see any restrooms. That's another thing: How does Darth Vader go to the bathroom with that outfit? It must take that guy three hours just to get dressed in the morning. Another question: What is the deal with the Ewoks? By the end of the movie, I just wanted to punch the next one that I saw right in the furry little face! I mean, come on! They are only two feet tall and about as uncoordinated as a church women's basketball team. Teddy Ruxpin moves faster than they do. How can fifty of them beat an entire legion of well-trained Storm Troopers, armed with laser pistols and capable of conquering the galaxy? I don't know either, but they pull it off in the movie. It would be like a high school golf team taking on the Marine Corps and winning. Finally, the whole 'Luke, I am your father' and 'Leah is your sister' thing is just too neat and tidy. In Star Wars, Darth Vader reportedly killed Luke's father, and Leah had a father already. She even says so. Then, in Return of the Jedi, it turns out that Darth was actually Luke's father, and the whole killing thing was just metaphorical, not literal, and Leah can't remember her father or mother but finds out that Darth Vader is her father too and that Luke is her brother and that Garfunkel was really her husband. I'm hoping that Star Wars I, or IV, or whatever it is, will be just what I need to repair my damaged opinion of the Star Wars trilogy. Perhaps we will see that that there is more to life than just the Force. There is such a thing as a bathroom break once in a while!

PUBLIUS

Flowing like Philosophy little RX Walch

I own a sport-utility vehicle (SUV) and it's got a big ole' sound system. Listening to it makes me think about serious stuff. Are there lots of radio listeners out there in Howard-land? There is a new station here in the Twin Cities called The Point 104 . It plays a combination of Pop and Alternative Top 40 music, a format quite similar to rival KS95. In an effort to thus differentiate itself from KS95, The Point has an ad that it runs that compares "Point music" to "KS95" music:

"Point music is: GOO DOLLS SONG." (which, for the record, is also a KS95 song)

"KS95 music is: FAITH HILL'S 'THIS KISS'." (which, allegedly, is not Point Music)

"Point music is: SHERYL CROW SONG." (also KS95)

"KS95 music is: FAITH HILL AGAIN."

"Point music is: BARE NAKED LADIES SONG." (more crossover)

"KS95 music is: YEP, FAITH HILL."

So we really only learn two things from the ad: 1. The Point 104 doesn't play "This Kiss" by Faith Hill and, 2. beyond that, there's no difference between the two stations. And, to top it off, "This Kiss" isn't even all that bad of a song.

On a related topic, we at here at Howard felt it necessary, even inciteful or chronological, to bring to light a wonderfully complex issue- the predecessor to 'the kiss'... 'the look'. "What is the look?" you are asking. "Have I ever given it? If not, can I?" Those are all good questions. To answer them, answer the one question below- Are you male or female? If your answer was 'male', you may have already given, and am sure to someda y give, the look. If you answered 'female', you won't be giving the look, although with some practice and a little luck, you can surely receive it. Stay tuned for next week's special panel discussion of this pressing issue.

Du'Luth Update: In an agreement with the Bishopric, the Powerful One of Du'Luth has agreed to use her Power on one ward couple at a time. The present Chosen Couple is making progress.

Rumour mill: -'U' president Mark Yudof has agreed to terms with ward clerk Josh Carrell on the sale of Folwell Hall as the 'U's new Institute building. Commented Brother Carrell, "if you don't leave me alone I'll call the cops... seriously." -Teeny-bopper Britanny Spears ("Baby, one more time...") is a member of the Church. -Due to an influx of Mormons and East Africans to Northeast Minneapolis, local militia groups have mobilized. "Soon we gonna have a Marmon sheriff... or an East African one." -Taking issue with the label "Mormon Melrose", producer Aaron Spelling has filed charges against Activities' Committee co-Chair Tana Larsen and EQ Councelor Jedediah Drury Greenwood. Neither returned calls inquiring of the matter.

SEMPER FI

The Pasta Connection

There's more to life than just pasta and the same goes for The Pasta Connection. This issue's lucky winners of The Pasta Connection will receive not only a free pasta dinner, but two free tickets to the orchestra, compliments of Howard. This issue's lucky winners are none other than Matt Vogl and Sandra Marben. As a reminder, here is how The Pasta Connection works: it is up to the lucky winners to find a time to get together and then contact Howard for their free pasta dinner and tickets to the orchestra.

The Fine Print

First, don't thing that we are printing porn on Howard. The image up there is titled "Eve: Choice and Accountability". It is a religious trading card that we found tacked on the bulletin board at the Anoka Stake Center. It's amazing how a few strategically placed animals can improve something from pseudo-porn to quasi-Church bulletin worthy. Eve rules! Second, Trivial Pursuit Standings: Nels 5, Richard 5, Jed 3. Third, a lot of people have asked me about the origins of Howard. One of these days I'll print the history of Howard. It actually goes back to 1996. If you want to check out the original Volume One of Howard, all twenty issues are on the internet at: http://binford.cs.byu.edu/howard/

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